


Remember Me

by TragicLove



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Amnesia, Incest, Infidelity, M/M, Mental Anguish, Miscarriage, Past Infidelity, Sibling Incest, Threesome - F/M/M, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-05-16 15:43:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 118,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14814227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TragicLove/pseuds/TragicLove
Summary: Taylor has an accident and lands himself in a coma. Zac takes up a vigil by his side and remembers how they got to where they are now.





	1. Chapter 1

There was a slight smell of citrus in the air, the grass was blowing in the wind. It was the kind of weather where a t-shirt wasn’t enough, but a sweatshirt was too much. I remember smiling and waving hello to the girl who worked at the restaurant next door to our office as I was locking the door. I remember tripping over that same damn groove in the sidewalk that I tripped over at least once a week on the walk to my truck. I remember when I got in, I went to reach for my seatbelt, but my phone started ringing and and I fished it out of my pocket instead, seeing Taylor’s name across the screen. I shook my head, he’d bailed on our writing session and hadn’t been answering his phone, I could only imagine what his excuse would be this time.

“Yeah?” I pressed the phone to my ear.

“Is this Zachary Hanson?” A female voice I’d never heard before spoke into my ear.

“Yes…who is this?”

“Hi Zachary, I’m Holly Jacobs. I’m the head of neurology at Saint Francis Hospital. You’re listed in Taylor’s phone as his emergency contact.”

“What?” I took the phone off my ear, looking at the screen again. Taylor. Hospital.

“Taylor’s been in an accident, Zachary. I’m sorry to call with bad news, but he’s here at Saint Francis and you’re his emergency contact. Can you come to the hospital?”

“Accident? What happened, is he okay?”

“We can talk more when you arrive, when do you think you can get here?”

“I’m on my way,” I hit the end call button and tossed my phone on the passenger seat of my truck, throwing it into reverse and driving. Probably a little faster than I should.

Isn’t it always the way, when you have somewhere to be, you get stuck behind every Sunday driver, or stopped at every single red light on the way. By the time I’d made the less than 20 minute drive to Saint Francis, nearly 45 minutes had passed. I couldn’t stop hearing ‘Taylor’s been in an accident’ over and over again in my head. What kind of an accident had he had that landed him in the hospital and he couldn’t even call me himself? What could have possibly happened to him while I was sitting at the office getting angrier and angrier at him that he hadn’t shown up?

Finding his room was no easy feat. I had to stop and ask at three different nurses desks along the way, but when I finally made it there, the door was shut almost all the way. It was opened just a sliver, enough for me to see that it was quiet inside and the only light was coming in from the windows on the other side of the room. I pushed the door open and saw him, lying there in a hospital bed. He had the blanket pulled up to his chest, his face was bruised and he had a cut over his left eye. He looked like he was sleeping. 

“Tay,” I walked towards the bed and put my hand on his arm, shaking softly. “Taylor.”

“He’s not going to wake up,” a female voice startled me and I removed my hand from his arm, turning to see a young woman standing in the doorway. She was wearing a white doctors coat and had a stethoscope around her neck, a file in her hand. 

“You must be Zachary,” She stepped towards me, putting her hand out for me to shake. “I’m Doctor Jacobs, we spoke on the phone.”

“What do you mean, he’s not going to wake up?” I turned my head to look at Taylor and then I looked back at her.

“Why don’t we go over to the conference room and chat? Would you like anything, a coffee, water?” She dropped her hand back to her side. 

“No,” I shook my head. “I just want to know what's wrong with Taylor.”

“Okay,” she gave me a warm smile. “Follow me.”

She lead me out of the room and through the halls of the hospital until we reached a nondescript room, white walls, white floor, white ceiling. There was a table in the middle with eight chairs around it, all varying levels of tan. If they tried to make this the most bland room in the world, they definitely succeeded. Doctor Jacobs motioned for me to take a seat at the corner of the table and she sat down next to me at the head of it.

“I assume you’re Taylor’s brother,” she placed her file on the table and rested her hands on top of it. Her eyes were warm.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to call your parents? They should probably come in as well.”

“My par- no.” I shook my head, leaning back in the chair, crossing a leg over my other knee. “They haven’t spoken to either of us since the divorce.”

“Your parents are divorced?”

“No, Taylor is.”

“I see. Sometimes in serious situations things like estrangement can change. Taylor is in a serious situation, Zachary, it’s not my job to push, but I would suggest you contact your parents.” She moved her hands forward on the file and leaned on the table, staring directly in my eyes. After a few seconds of playing who will blink first, she looked away and then looked back at me, smiling. She smiled too much for someone who was probably always giving people bad news.

“Are you going to tell me what happened, because calling my parents right now is a hard no.” I crossed my arms over my chest. It wasn’t usually in my nature to be difficult and rude to perfect strangers, but this lady was testing my patience. Taylor was in a hospital bed a few halls over, and here she was trying to plan a family reunion.

“What we know right now is that Taylor was driving south on Route 169, early in the morning hours, the call for EMS came in at 4:57 AM. It appears, judging by his phone, he got a flurry of text messages, checked them and when he did, he hit a massive pothole, which caused him to lose control of the car and he wound up on the side of the road, in a ditch, upside down. When the EMT’s arrived he was unconscious and bleeding from above his eye. He hit his head incredibly hard judging from the damage we found on his MRI.” 

She stopped talking and stared at me again, her head slightly tilted, a sympathetic look covering her face, as if she was waiting for me to burst into tears, or melt into a puddle right in front of her. We sat there like that for a few seconds, her waiting for the flood, me, arms crossed, waiting for her to tell me it was a joke.

“They need to fix that damn road.” I uncrossed my arms and leaned on the table in front of me.

“They do,” she nodded once. 

“Where’s his phone?”

“I’m sorry?”

“His phone. Where is it? I want his phone. Is he going to wake up soon?”

“We can’t know for sure. I’m sorry, Zachary.”

“I want his phone.” I repeated, leaning back in my chair again.

“That’s not really in line with policy here.”

“I don’t care what your policy is. I want his phone. You have his phone, you called me from it. I want it.”

“I’ll see what I can do about getting it to you.”

“Just get it and give it to me.”

“Not to step out of line, but why is it so important to you to have your brothers phone?”

“He’s not just my brother!” I pushed the chair back and stood up, “he’s not just…he’s…he’s my best friend.”

I turned and walked to the door, pulling it open and taking a step into the too bright hallway. I turned back around and looked at her, my hand still on the doorknob.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult. Please, please get me his phone. I’m going to see him now.”

 

—

 

When I was twelve I was so enamored over my older brother it bordered on pathetic. He was everything I wanted to be, everything about him was perfect in my eyes. If you found Taylor, chances were that you’d find me following closely behind. I spent almost all of my free time with him, whether he wanted me to or not. By the time I was twelve my parents already had four kids younger than me and my two older brothers, including a baby. They were pretty busy, and we spent most of our time together, escaping the loudness of the romper room that was our home. We were homeschooled, so from an early age, we, and our older brother Isaac, were each others only friends. By the time Isaac was sixteen he’d made some friends outside of our brood and spent the majority of time with them, and with whatever girl it was that month that he was in love with. 

That left Taylor and I alone on countless nights where we’d head out to the back yard and we’d climb up into the old tree house that our Dad had built for us when we were kids. We’d lay there on blankets, eating junk food, just talking forever about everything and nothing at all. We had an old 8-track player out there and we’d listen to our parents old favorite songs. We’d tell each other about all of the things we were going to do in life, or all of the things that we wanted to do, at least. 

One night, after Taylor and I had walked into the bedroom we shared with Isaac to find him making out on his bed with Wendy, or Jane, or whatever girl it was that month, and Taylor had laughed out and warned, “oh, I’m so telling Mom!” (he didn’t), we ran out to the backyard. We giggled as we climbed into our treehouse where there wouldn’t be any blonde girls whose names we couldn’t keep track of. We laid there side by side, me reading a comic book and Taylor looking through some old copy of Architectural Digest he’d found in the basement.

“Have you ever kissed a girl?” I tossed my comic book beside me on the floor and rolled so I was facing Taylor, leaning my chin on my hand.

“Huh? Yeah, yeah of course.” He’s said, putting down his magazine and turning to face me, leaning on his hand the same way I was.

“You have? Who?”

“Oh, you know…” he looked around the tree house and then back at me, shrugging.

“You haven’t!” I laughed.

“Yes I…” he looked at me, his cheeks turning red. “Okay, no. I haven’t.”

“Do you want to?”

He shrugged again. 

“I don’t really think about it. It’s not that important to me.”

“I want to,” I pulled myself into a sitting position, crossing my legs underneath me. “Kiss someone. I want to kiss someone.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I want to know what it feels like. What’s all the fuss about? Isaac seems pretty obsessed with it.”

Taylor rolled his eyes, pulling himself up so he was sitting across from me, his legs crossed underneath him.

“Isaac is weird.”

“Yeah,” I laughed. 

“So, how are you going to find someone to kiss?” Taylor tilted his head, his hand going up to move a stray piece of his long blonde hair from his face. I shrugged.

“I dunno. I guess it can’t be too hard, with all those girls Isaac is always kissing.”

“Um,” Taylor licked his lips, his fingertips were playing a beat on his knees. “We could…you know, just to…just to see what it’s like?” The end of his sentence floated up, making it a question, his voice was a little unsteady, which wasn’t really like my older brother. If Taylor was anything, it was usually sure of himself. 

“What?!” I laughed, crinkling my nose up.

“Never mind,” he blushed, shaking his head. “It was stupid. Never mind.”

We sat there for a minute, just looking at each other. Eventually Taylor’s eyes left mine and found his lap. He was playing with a loose thread on his t-shirt, rolling it in between his finger tips.

“It wasn’t stupid,” I said, pushing his knee with my hand. “It wasn’t.”

“It wasn’t?” He looked back up at me.

“No, it’s just practice right?” I shrugged. “It’s a good idea.”

“Yeah?” He grinned, nodding his head a little. “Yeah, it’s just practice.”

“So…” I breathed out, moving a little closer to him, our knees touching. “How do we…how should we…” I giggled a little bit, despite myself. “You know what I mean.”

“I think we just do it, right?” Taylor laughed, moving his hair out of his face again. 

“Right, just do it.”

“Right,” he said again, moving his face in closer to mine. I could feel his breath on my mouth. “I think we should close our eyes.”

“Yeah,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. 

Nothing happened. I sat there, my eyes closed as hard as I could close them, and nothing was happening. I started to feel silly, just sitting there, waiting.

“Tay, are you gon…” before I could finish, his lips were on mine. They were hesitant and soft, just puckered and pressing onto mine, and then they moved. He kissed me slow and soft and like he’d definitely kissed someone before. 

His hand made its way to the back of my head and his tongue made its way into my mouth. There we were, sitting Indian style on that old wooden floor, high up in the tree in our backyard, our mouths dancing a dance they hadn’t danced before, and it felt so good, for practicing.


	2. Chapter 2

When I got back to Taylor’s room, he was exactly how I’d left him. Lying on his back, his arms down by his sides. His hair was a mess, they couldn’t have at least patted it down?

I walked over to the bed and ran my hand through his hair, flattening it, placing his bangs where they belonged. He looked peaceful, as if he’d been up too long and he was deep in sleep, regaining his energy. 

I pulled the chair in the corner next to his bed, close enough that I could lean on it, and sat down. I had been so mad at him for not showing up at the studio, I was ready to pick a fight, accuse him of things, be a real dick, and look at him. I don’t want to think about how scared he must have been when he hit that pothole. What his face must have looked like when the car starting flipping into that ditch. Where was he coming from at almost five in the morning? He hadn’t mentioned to me that he was going anywhere last night, not that he has to tell me every move he makes, but it is a bit odd. 

What was the last thing I had said to him? The night before last, we were in the studio late, it was after one in the morning. We were arguing about a part in a song we were working on and he’d accused me of being a slave driver, of not knowing how to let anyone else ever get their way. I remember shooting back at him that it wasn’t my fault he was so lackadaisical, that maybe he should take his work a little more seriously and we wouldn’t constantly be having these arguments. We were supposed to have dinner after, but he had left the studio in a huff, telling me he’d see me in the morning, he was going to go home and get some sleep. He obviously didn’t do that. 

I guess it didn’t really matter where he was, what mattered was that I needed him to wake up. I wonder what he thought about in those moments when the car was spinning, did he remember that the last time we spoke it was angrily? Did he think I was still mad at him? Why couldn’t he just open his eyes, let me tell him I’m sorry? 

“Tay,” I spoke softly, resting my elbows on the bed and leaning in so my lips were close to his ear. “You gotta get up now, Tay. I miss you.”

I sat back and took my phone out of my pocket, hitting the button twice to open it. I opened my contacts and scrolled down the list until I saw the name I was looking for. I hit call and pressed the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Isaac, you need to come meet me at Saint Francis,” I said, putting my elbows on my knees and leaning forward.

“Huh? You okay?” I could hear my niece in the background asking for a juice box.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s Taylor.”

“Hold on honey, Uncle Zac’s on the phone.” I heard him open his refrigerator and Nina shout “Hi Uncle Zac!” Despite everything else, I was still the favorite uncle. At least to to the kids who knew me. 

“Isaac,” I said. “Are you listening to me?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m sorry, the kids are wild today, what do you mean it’s Taylor?”

“He’s been in an accident, it’s not good. I need you to get here.”

“What kind of accident, what are you talking about?” I heard his shift the phone and Nikki’s voice ask who he was talking to. “It’s Zac, something happened with Taylor. Are you good for me to leave? They’re at the hospital.”

Nikki’s voice was muffled, but I heard what sounded like concern, followed by “Alright kids, it’s Mommy time, now!”

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes, what room?”

“I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

“Kay, see you in a couple.”

The phone disconnected and I tossed it onto the edge of the bed, by Taylor’s leg. 

Isaac had struggled with all of the changes in our family around the time Taylor got divorced, but in the end he had decided that his relationship with his brothers, and ultimately our band, was more important than a difference in morals, as he called it. 

Here’s the thing, I fell in love with a man at a very young age. A man who I looked at as if he were a god among mortals. That old cliche, you can’t help who you fall in love with, I found that to be the truest statement I’d ever heard. If I had a choice, I’d go back and make it so I didn’t love him, and so that he didn’t love me back. It’s made almost nothing about our lives easier, and it’s taken a lot of people from us, but what are you supposed to do when your reason for breathing, your reason for waking up every day, is the reason your parents decide you’re not worthy of their love? 

We never had too many friends outside of our family circle. Sure, we had a network of musicians and artists who we called friends, but they were always friends in the sense of, when we see you we see you and when we don’t, you’re on the outer ring of our lives, but the few friends we did have that fell outside of that turned their backs on us when things started to come out. Some of them out of disgust, some out of loyalty to our other siblings, or even our parents, some just because the drama of it all was a little too much for them to want to be around. 

I have always tried to place myself outside of our situation and ask myself what I would do if I were the outsider and I watched this happen to someone else, and I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t be the same level of disgusted. I can’t say I’d stick around to watch the rubble fall, I don’t know that I’m any better of a person than any of them. 

My phone lit up with a text from Isaac saying he had just parked and he’d be in in a minute, so I stood up and leaned over, laying a kiss on Taylor’s forehead.

“I’ll be right back, babe. Isaac is here to see you.”

I turned and walked out of the room, almost bumping into Dr. Jacobs in the hallway. 

“Zachary,” she smiled.

“Doctor Jacobs,” I nodded.

“How is he?” She motioned towards the room.

“Not awake, if that’s what you mean.”

“Are you heading home?” She switched her file from her right hand to her left.

“No, my other brother is here, I’m going to meet him in the lobby.”

“Oh, good. What about your parents?” She smiled again. 

“No,” I crossed my arms. I probably looked a tad petulant, but I couldn’t really care less.

“You’ll get there,” that smile. “I have to check on your brother now.” And with that she pushed the door open and walked into Taylor’s room. “Hi again, Taylor, I’m just here to check on you,” I heard her say as I walked towards the elevators.

 

When I got to the lobby Isaac was standing in the middle, looking at the directory board. He turned his head as I walked towards him.

“What the hell is going on?”

“He flipped his car. He’s not awake, and we don’t know when he will be.”

“You mean he’s in a coma?”

“Yeah,” I blew out. “Apparently he has some pretty heavy damage.”

“To his brain?”

“No, to his toe,” I rolled my eyes.

“Hey, don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what, Ike?” I crossed my arms. I seemed to be doing that a lot.

“That Zac thing where you turn into an angsty little bitch when you’re stressed out,” he shook his head. “Don’t do that.”

“I do not do that.”

“You do, you’re doing it now.”

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes. “So, he’s not awake. He has a cut on his face, he’s pretty bruised up.”

“Have you been home? How long have you been here?”

I looked at my watch and shrugged, “about six hours.”

“Have you eaten?” 

“Not yet.”

“You have to take care of yourself.”

“Come on, let’s just go up. Maybe you’ll be lucky and the happiest doctor in the world will be there.” I turned back towards the elevators and he followed behind me. I reached out and hit the up button.

“The happiest doctor in the world?

“Yeah, there’s something wrong with her. She’s always smiling, like really smiling, like she’s super happy that all this destruction is happening around her.”

The doors slid open and we stepped inside. I hit the button for floor 4 and the doors closed in front of us.

“How’re the kids?” I turned my head so I was looking at Isaac.

“They’re good. Getting big, you should come see them sometime. They miss you.” He looked over at me, meeting my eyes. I tried to stay involved, but sometimes it was hard for me. You never knew when someone you didn’t want to see might show up. I once escaped a run in with my mom by thirty seconds. Watching her turn onto Isaac’s street as I was turning off of it put my stomach in knots and made my palms sweat. I didn’t want to see the day when we ran into one another. Our last words weren’t kind ones.

“I know, I miss them too.”

“You don’t have to be so distant, Zac. I only see you at work.”

“Look, I’m sorry. It’s not always easy for me.”

The elevator doors opened and Isaac waited for me to step out so he could follow me. I lead him down the hall to Taylor’s room and pushed open the door. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” Isaac said as we stepped into the room. “I’m not trying to pressure you or make you feel bad, I just- you’re a part of our family.”

We walked into the room and he looked at Taylor and then at me.

“He looks awful.”

“Yeah.”

He took the other chair in the room and pulled it up on the other side of the bed. We both settled into our chairs and looked at Taylor. Still not awake. Still not here with me.

We didn’t say anything for a long time. We just sat there, three brothers who’d been through life together, three brothers who’d been through things brothers didn’t normally go through. We made a band when we were kids and we had massive success, and we stayed the normal, level headed Tulsans we started as. We crashed and burned as fast as we skyrocketed, yet we kept it together. You could call us a local band now, but we had a pretty big local fan base, a local fan base who knew nothing about the fuckery of our personal lives, thank God. We’d played some festivals around the country over the years, giving us a bit of a reach outside of Oklahoma, and we did have a few hangers-on from the good ol’ days, but it was nothing like what we once had. I’m not sure if that actually bothered us, though. We almost preferred it like this. It felt more real. It felt more like something to hold onto. And we never had to answer to anyone aside from ourselves. Now we made the music we wanted to make, when we wanted to make it.

“We should get you home, get you something to eat,” Isaac finally said, looking up at me.

“I’m not going home, I’m staying here. He needs me.”

“He doesn’t even know you’re here.”

“They say that they can hear you, you know, coma patients,” I had spent some time earlier in the day googling comas and what exactly they meant.

“You have to take care of you, too, Zac.”

“I’m fine, he’s not fine.” I leaned back in my chair. It was my chair now.

“Are you going to sleep here?”

“Probably.”

“Zac.’

“Isaac, I’m not leaving him. I’m not leaving him and nothing you’re going to say is going to change that.”

Isaac sighed and mirrored my position, leaning back in his own chair and crossing his leg over his knee. He knew me, and he knew that once I had an idea in my mind, nothing was going to change it.

“Can I at least get you something to eat? A drink?”

“I’ll be okay.”

“How are you two doing anyway, you know, together?” He looked away. We never talked about this.

“We’re good,” I shrugged.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m happy you’re happy, Zac.” Isaac leaned forward, placing his arms on the bed, he put a hand on Taylor’s knee and squeezed. “I’m happy you’re both happy.”

“Are you?” I looked at his hand on Taylor’s knee. I looked so hard that eventually his skin started to blur, mixing with the white hospital blanket that was covering Taylor.

“I am,” He took his hand away and I blinked, looking up at him again. “I know we don’t talk about this, and it took me a while to wrap my head around-“ he looked from me to Taylor and back to me again, “you two. If I’m honest I don’t know that I’ve ever really wrapped my head around it. But, I want you to be happy, both of you. I love you guys, you’re my brothers.”

“I know, Ike.” I rubbed my face and smiled at him as much as I could. “I know.”

“Listen, I’m gonna take off,” he stood up, flattening his jeans. He walked around the foot of the bed and stood at my side, I stood up and tucked my hands in my pockets. “If you need anything, call me, I’m just down the road.”

I nodded, walking with him to the door. 

“I’ll see you later,” he said, giving me a small wave as he walked out the door.

“See ya.”

He walked halfway down the hallway and stopped. He stood there for a few seconds before turning around and walking back towards me.

“Zac,” He stopped in front of me.

“Yeah?”

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me towards him. It had been many years since we’d hugged. He was warm and his hands were shaking a little bit. I hugged him back and we stood together in the hallway of Saint Francis Hospital, two brothers, holding on to each other. 

He let go and took a couple of steps back, looking at me with sad eyes.

“I’m sorry, Zac.”

I nodded, and he turned away from me again and walked towards the elevators. When the doors opened and he stepped in, he turned around and held up his hand in a wave, and he was gone.

 

—

In the weeks after the treehouse kiss, Taylor grew a little distant from me. Normally, we’d spend all of our afternoons and nights together, either up in that treehouse, or in our room playing video games. We’d play around on our instruments in the basement together, writing songs or tweaking old ones. When we wanted to get out, we’d go to the movies or the arcade, sometimes we’d even walk around the mall, going nowhere. But, It almost seemed like Taylor didn’t want to be around me anymore. He always had something to do, somewhere to be, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt my feelings. One night, about a month and a half after that day in the treehouse, I waited up in my bed until Isaac fell asleep. When I started to hear his breathing get heavy, I waited a few minutes and then pulled my blankets back and stepped out of my bed. I tiptoed over to Taylor’s bed in the other corner of the room and put a hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly. He didn’t stir, he didn’t even move. I sat on the edge of his bed and shook him harder.

“Tay,” shake. “Tay, wake up!”

He groaned, swatting at me with his hand before rolling on his side and facing me. He opened one eye and looked up at me, “whattaya want?”

“Tay, why are you ignoring me?”

“‘m not ignoring you,” he grumbled, still swatting at me.

“Yes you are!” I said, pulling his blanket down to his stomach. “You haven’t talked to me in weeks.”

“Zac, go to sleep,” Taylor rolled over so he was facing the wall, his back to me. 

“No, Tay, what did I do?” I poked him in the back. 

“Nothing.”

“I’m just gonna lay here until you tell me,” I said, squeezing my body into the open space between Taylor and the edge of the bed, I shoved my legs under the blankets and pulled them up to my chin, bumping Taylor with my hip to make more room for myself.

“Zac, get out of my bed.”

“No.”

“Zac!” Taylor raised his arm and brought it back down, letting it slap the bed loudly.

“Don’t wake up Ike!” I whispered.

“Get out of my bed.”

“Tell me why you’re mad at me.”

“No.”

“Tell me.”

“Damn it,” he muttered under his breath. 

“Tay, what did I do?” I repeated, placing my hand on the middle of his back. “Tell me.”

“You didn’t do anything,” he sighed. “I just- I felt weird after the- you know.”

“The treehouse?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” I moved a little closer to him, his back was warm.

“No reason,” he was stiff next to me, like he was holding all of his parts in just the right place.

“Tay,” I placed my palm back on his back and pushed a couple of times. He didn’t say anything, and we just laid there silently in the dark until I couldn’t take it anymore. “Tay, please don’t be mad at me.”

I felt him exhale and slowly he turned over so he was on his side facing me, the blanket pulled up to his chin.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Then what’s wrong? Why do you feel weird?”

“It was just practicing, right?” 

“Yeah.”

“Then why’d I like it so much?” We stared at each other, he was chewing his bottom lip, something he tended to do whenever he was nervous. “Why do I want to do it again?”

I grinned and kicked his leg lightly with my bare foot.

“It’s not funny,” he groaned, pulling the blanket up over his face.

I reached up and pulled the blanket down, smiling.

“If you want to do it again, we can do it again.”

“What?” His eyes moved up my face to meet mine, they were wide and he had a shocked look on his face.

“I liked it too,” I shrugged.

“You did?” He moved a little closer to me again, his cheeks were reddening and when he wasn’t talking his lip kept finding its way back between his teeth.

“Uh huh,” I nodded my head, moving my hair out of my face.

“So, you want to do it again?”

“Sure.”

“Like, now?” 

“Sure.”

He smiled then, shrugging his shoulder and moving even closer to me, if he moved much more this way I’d fall off the bed.

“Okay,” he said, leaning his face into mine and kissing me.


	3. Chapter 3

“Zac,” I felt my arm shaking, and God, my neck hurt. “Zac, wake up.”

I opened my eyes and turned my head to the side. 

“Zoe,” I said, sitting up in the chair I had somehow fallen asleep in. I rubbed my eyes and looked over at Taylor, still lying in the hospital bed, still looking like he was sleeping peacefully.

“You look terrible,” Zoe said, leaning down and hugging me. “It’s been forever.”

“Yeah,” I said, standing up and straightening out my clothes. “How did you know he was here?”

“My fiancé’s sister is a nurse here, she saw his name and called me.” 

Zoe moved closer to the bed and laid a hand on Taylor’s arm. 

“He looks terrible, too.” She frowned. “Do you know what happened?”

“Isn’t that like, against HIPAA or something?” I said to her back. She turned and rolled her eyes at me. Some things never change. “He got into an accident. Hit a pothole, flipped his car.”

“Poor thing,” she said, stroking his arm. “Do they know if he’s going to be okay?”

“No,” I said, moving so that I was standing next to her. 

Zoe was our youngest sibling, the baby of the family. The last time I had seen her she was seventeen years old. The woman standing next to me was almost a whole different person, but somehow still the same. 

“You have a fiancé?” 

“Yeah,” she smiled, turning to look up at me. Her eyes were practically shining. “He’s great, you’d love him.”

“That’s great, Zo. Congratulations.”

“What about you? Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah, or I was, until this.” I motioned towards Taylor.

“I miss him,” she frowned, looking back at Taylor and then turning to face me, leaning lightly on the side of his bed. “And you.”

“Miss you too, Zo.” I smiled. It was true. Out of all the things I’d lost over the past three years, Zoe and my other siblings were the biggest, and the hardest. The Christmases and birthdays without them always left a small empty feeling inside of me. Every year I had thought about calling them, trying to regain my relationship with each of them, but every year I chickened out, too afraid of what they might say.

“You should call Mom,” she said, holding her hand up when I started to protest. “I know. I don’t blame you for not wanting to, but you should. She worries about you guys, and she should hear this from you.”

“Zoe, I really don’t want to talk to Mom, and I really, really don’t want to talk about Mom.”

“How long are you guys going to let this go on?” She sighed, pushing herself off Taylor’s bed. “He wouldn’t want this,” she waved her hand towards Taylor. “At a moment like this, the way you guys are.”

“He didn’t want this at all, neither of us did, but they chose this, Zo. You don’t understand.”

“You’re right, I don’t. I don’t understand any of it, but I understand family and I know Tay, and I know he’d want his family to come back together at a time like this.” She walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist, burying her head in my chest. It’d been so long since I’d hugged her, but it felt like it always did. I put my arms around her and smelled her hair. Strawberries. Just like the shampoo Mom always bought when we were growing up.

“I’ll think about it, Zo.”

She pulled back, her arms still around my waist. “Please, Zac? I miss the way it used to be.”

“I’ll try,” I frowned. “It’s not that easy.”

“I know,” she smiled. “I know. I have to go to work, I’ll be back tomorrow. If he wakes up tell him I love him.” She stood up on her toes and kissed me on the cheek. “And I love you, too.”

“Love you too,” I smiled as she unwrapped herself from me and walked towards the door. She stopped in the doorway and then turned around and smiled at me again.

“I know you can bring us back together.” 

I nodded and she turned back around and left. I sighed, sitting back down on my chair next to Taylor’s bed and rubbed my palms over my eyes. I put my elbows on the bed next to Taylor and put my face in my hands, looking at him.

“You gotta wake up, Tay. I can’t do this alone.”

I’d never done much alone, not without Taylor. He’s been my right arm my whole life, and I didn’t know how to get through a hard time, or really any time, without him there with me. He looked peaceful, lying there, if you ignored the bruises and the cut and all the hospital machinery, he looked exactly how I’d seen him look while he was sleeping a million other times in his life. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that he wasn’t going to just wake up soon, look over at me with that smile of his and say ‘hi,’ the word he almost always said to me when he first wakes up. 

 

The window along the wall told me it was morning, I must have somehow slept the whole night in that chair. No wonder my neck hurt. I wondered where Doctor Joy was, and as if on cue I heard a light knock at the door. I turned to see her walking towards me, that smile on her face. Why was she so happy all of the time?

“Zachary,” she nodded, walking towards Taylor’s bed.

“Zac.”

“Did you have a good nap, Zac?” She was tinkering around Taylor, looking at machines and wires, touching things and pressing buttons as she went.

“Not really, the chair sucks. Don’t you have a nurse to do those things for you?”

“I like to be hands on with my patients.”

“Right,” I nodded, standing up, watching what she was doing. “So how’s he looking?”

“No change that I can see. You don’t have to stay here all day, if anything were to change we could call you.”

“I think I’ll stay,” I sighed, sitting back down. I bounced my knee a few times, watching her jot things down in the file in her hand.

“Have you given any more thought to calling your parents?” She didn’t look up from her file. I hadn’t spoken about my parents in a very long time, and it seemed like the past two days wanted to set a record for how often I’d have to.

“No.”

“Shame,” she clucked her tongue, actually clucked her tongue at me, before clicking her pen shut and shoving it in the front pocket of her jacket. She closed the file and looked up at me, walking around the bed to stand by my chair. “You only get two.”

“What?” I looked up at her, her hand was resting on the back of my chair and she was looking down at me, that smile still on her face.

“Parents,” she nodded slightly. “You only get two of them.”

“Yeah, well,” I stood up again. “Mine decided they didn’t want to be our parents anymore.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

We walked towards the door together, the hallways were so bright in here, how do they get used to that? 

“It is,” I looked over at her, she was a full head shorter than me. “They made a choice, we had to live with it. Just because something bad happened, that doesn’t mean they didn’t put us through hell when they made that choice.”

We reached the bank of elevators and I motioned towards them.

“I’m going to go get something to eat, please call me if something happens, I’ll only be gone for a few minutes.”

“Of course, Zac.” She smiled again. I pressed the button to call the elevator to our floor as she turned to walk back down the hallway towards the nurses desk.

“Oh, Doctor Jacobs?”

“Yes?” She turned to face me.

“Taylor’s phone?” 

She grinned, shaking her head. “I’ll see what I can do.”

 

Is it a universal rule that hospital food has to suck? It’s as if whoever started the hospital cafeteria said, “you know what? We have all these really sad people waiting for news on their loved ones, let’s make their lives worse by feeding them the world's most bland, disgusting food.”

As I was sitting in the (too bright, what is it with hospitals?) cafeteria, halfheartedly eating what they passed off as a breakfast burrito, my cell phone started vibrating in my pocket. When I pulled it out, I was a little surprised at the name I saw on the screen.

“Hey Nat,” I pressed the phone to my ear.

“Zac, hey, how is he?” It’d been a while since I’d heard her soft spoken Georgia girl drawl, but I’d recognize it anywhere.

“How’d you know?” I asked, putting my half eaten burrito down on my plate and wiping my hands.

Natalie and Taylor had divorced three years ago, exactly when everything we thought we knew about our lives started to fall apart around us. We’d lost so many people that year, it’s a wonder we made it through whole. She was wonderful, and I’d never stop feeling sorry for her and the way she’d lost her marriage, the father of her children, but she’d left the relationship with no ill will and her and Taylor were friendly, if only for the sake of their kids.

“Zoe called me, she thought I should know.”

“Of course. I was going to call you Nat, I just wasn’t ready.”

“It’s okay,” I heard her breathe out. I don’t think she ever really stopped loving Taylor, and who could blame her? Taylor was everything. “What are they saying?”

“Not much. They can’t be sure when he’ll wake up. He did some serious damage to his noggin.”

“How are you doing? Are you okay?”

“I’m…not in a hospital bed in a coma, so I guess I’m okay.” 

“He’s gonna be okay, right?” She spoke softly.

“Of course he’s going to be okay, he’s Taylor.”

“Yeah, he’s Taylor,” she chuckled. “I’m not gonna tell the kids yet, I’ll make up some work reason why they won't see him this weekend. Can you keep me posted?”

“Of course I will, Nat. Hug the kids for me, okay? I’m going to get back up there.”

“Bye Zac.”

It was day of people who I haven’t spoken to in a while popping up, and normally a day like that would feel great, but the one person I wanted to talk to wasn’t talking. My stomach knotted up a little picturing him lying in that bed. He had to wake up, I wouldn’t accept anything else.

 

—

 

After the night I’d crawled into Taylor’s bed, begging him to tell me what I had done wrong, we found ourselves spending most of our nights like that. One or the other of us would find our way to the others bed once Isaac was asleep and we’d spend a couple of hours there, kissing and feeling. We never went too far, our hands never went underneath our clothes, it was for lack of a better word, innocent. 

I found myself looking forward to night time, looking forward to the darkness of our bedroom, when no one else in the house was awake. Looking back, I’m sure I was too young to be climbing into anyone's bed and making out with them, I was definitely too young for the roaming hands that were all around us in those moments, but I’d always felt older than I was, and I didn’t really think anything of it.

One night, around one in the morning, Taylor and I shared a few sloppy kisses before he pushed me over, curling his body around mine and burying his face in my shoulder. After a few minutes I felt his breathing grow heavy and I tried to think of ways to untangle myself from him to go back to my own bed, but I didn’t want to wake him up. I must have fallen asleep, because the next morning Isaac woke us up, asking why the hell we were both in Taylor’s bed.

“Zac- he uh, he had a nightmare, I told him he could sleep with me.” Taylor had said, his face turning red as he pulled himself out of bed and walked into the bathroom off of our room.

“Aren’t you a little old to be having nightmares like that?” Isaac eye’d me.

“It happens sometimes,” I shrugged, sitting up in the bed and pushing the covers off of me.

“Right,” Isaac rolled his eyes, walking to the door. “I really need my own room.”

 

The next weekend we were all tasked with helping Isaac move his things to the small attic room where up until then we’d mostly stored old books and things no one really used anymore. He’d convinced Mom that he was getting older, and he needed his privacy, and his own space. Dad had agreed with him, and so Mom reluctantly spent the week clearing the attic room of all the dusty things that had been inhabiting it for years. 

After we finished helping Isaac move the last of his crap up those stairs, we went back down to our room and collapsed on our backs on Taylor’s bed. We still had those silly glow in the dark stars all over our ceiling from when we were even younger and they still glowed as if they were new.

“So, the room is all ours now,” Taylor said, staring up at the fake stars.

“Yup!”

“So, well, I was thinking. If you wanted to, some nights you could…maybe…sleep in my bed, with me. You know, if you wanted.”

I turned my head so I was looking at him and I grinned.

“Yeah, that’d be cool.”

“Really?” He turned his head too, so we were looking at each other.

“Yeah, sometimes I hate sleeping all by myself.” I nodded.

“Me too,” he smiled.

 

More nights than not we’d both sleep in Taylor’s bed, me facing the wall and him behind me with his arm thrown over my side. He’d bury his face in my hair and we’d talk about how cool it would be once we were older and we didn’t have to live in this tiny room any more. We talked about how we’d always live together. We’d buy a nice house out in the woods somewhere with a lot of land and we’d have dogs and a trampoline and we’d spend all of our time doing nothing but exactly what we wanted to do. 

Taylor was my best friend. He made me feel safe, and he made me feel like I was always at home. In a house like ours, where there are more kids than parents, and where there is always a soccer practice or a dance lesson, even though there were so many people, sometimes you could feel all alone. With Taylor with me, I didn’t have to feel that way too often. Sometimes it was hard to imagine what life without Taylor would be like, because he was as important to me as my arms or legs. 

On those nights, tucked into that tiny twin bed, our legs tangled up together, I was sure I’d never, ever be alone.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been six days since I’d spent more than enough time to shower in my house, and you could tell. There were clothes everywhere, dishes piled up in the sink from before. If you really looked you could see a thin layer of dust covering almost every surface. Doctor Jacobs told me to go home and get some rest, that I’d be no good to anyone if I ran myself ragged, I think it was probably a little late for that. 

Sleeping in that stupid hospital chair was taking a toll on my neck and back, a nap in my own bed sounded more than good, but as I looked around my small house, it became obvious to me that cleaning up should be my first priority. They told me that if and when Taylor woke up, he’d probably be in the hospital a while, and after that he’d need to stay with someone, someone would have to keep an eye on him. I couldn’t bring him home to this. I tossed my phone down on the kitchen counter and flipped the radio on, turning it up, hoping if it were loud enough, maybe I wouldn’t hear my own thoughts. 

I had never been much for cleaning. Growing up my parents always liked to use words like “pig sty” and “disaster zone” to describe my section of the room I shared with my two brothers. Isaac was always a bit of a mess, but a clean mess, and Taylor, he had always been a neat freak. I’d like to say that I grew out of my tendency to be a slob, but I’m only reluctantly neat. Every time Taylor would walk in here and see a mess, he’d wrinkle his nose and suggest we spend our time at his place, and his place wasn’t really a place I liked to spend too much of my time. Too many ghosts walking around in those halls. So, once a week or so I’d reluctantly grab a rag and a bottle of whatever crap Taylor bought and shoved under my kitchen sink and I’d wipe away the dust, vacuum the rugs and wash the floors. Taylor would always walk in later that night, toss his jacket on the counter and say, “wow, cleaning lady come today?”

Six days since I’d heard his voice, or seen his eyes. If I closed my eyes I could picture him, standing there in my kitchen, his blonde hair mussed up, that strand always fallen into his eyes, his stupid brown boots that I hated, but he loved. We’d been talking about him selling his house and moving in here, but he thought it might be confusing for the kids, that there definitely wasn’t enough space for two adults and five part time kids in this little cottage, and he was right. We’d talked about selling both houses and buying one of our own, but for whatever reason we didn’t follow through. At that moment, I wished we had. There was a scattering of Taylor’s things throughout my house, but it probably would have been comforting to be surrounded by him, to see pieces of him in every inch of my home.

I finished wiping down the counters and rinsed the dishes, shoving them haphazardly into the dishwasher. I figured I’d done enough for today and made my way to my bedroom, changing my mind when I saw the explosion of t-shirts, jeans and socks. I gathered everything into my arms, grabbing a fresh change of clothes and toed the bathroom door open, shoving the clothes into the washing machine, dumping some fruity scented detergent (Taylor) on top of them, and turned it on. I turned the water in the shower on, almost as hot as I could handle. Taylor always told me that I was going to burn all of my skin off and come out just bones someday, but I liked it like that. Really wash the grime off. 

I stood there for a bit, just letting the hot water rush over me. I dug the palms of my hands into my eyes and leaned on the tile wall. Six days. The longer Taylor stayed down, the smaller the chance he’d ever get up. The smaller the chance that when he did get up he’d be the same. My Taylor. I’m convinced that a world without Taylor in it, exactly how he is- was- is a world that isn’t quite worth living in. The sky would be a little darker, the sun a little dimmer. Taylor is the best part of this world, without him it might as well all just end. 

I washed my hair, scrubbed my skin. I stood under the water longer than I should have. As it cooled off, I just kept turning it up, maybe if I stayed here long enough, I’d get out and find out this was all a dream. Taylor would be laying on my bed, a magazine or a book in his hands, he’d have the music on, just loud enough to be background noise. He’d look up when I walked out of the bathroom and he’d smile. I’d climb on the bed and rest my chin on his shoulder, ask him what he was reading. He’d laugh and complain that my hair was dripping on his shirt, so I’d shake my head and sprinkle him with water. God, I wanted him to be out there so bad. 

It’s weird, we go through life thinking that nothing bad can ever happen to us. We think we’re invincible, or that bad things happen to other people, but never us. We’ll never die in that plane crash, we’ll never be inside of a building that someone walks into with a gun and starts shooting. We’ll never be in the car that pilots off the road and rolls over. It won't happen to us. Until it does. 

I’m not sure what’s worse, being the one the bad thing happens to, or being the one left behind. I think if given the chance, I’d trade places with Taylor. I don’t mean that in a savior complex type of way, I don’t want to trade places to save him, or to take him out of his pain. I want to trade places to take me out of my pain. I don’t want to wake up another day without Taylor waking up, too. 

When the hot water wouldn’t turn up anymore, I shut the shower head off and pushed the curtain open. Someday I’d remember to grab a towel before I got in the shower, but that day obviously wasn’t today. Trying not to get water all over the bathroom floor, I walked to the cabinet and pulled a towel out, drying myself down and wrapping it around my waist. I put my hand on the door knob and closed my eyes, Taylor would be out there when I opened it. He’d be laying on the bed, he’d have kicked those stupid brown boots off and he’d be laying there, waiting for me. 

He wasn’t. The bed was empty and unmade, just like it was before I went into the bathroom. There weren’t any brown boots sitting by the side of it, and there wasn’t any Taylor on top of it. He wasn’t here, would he ever be here again?

I laid down on my back on his side of the bed. He’d be so mad if I got his pillow all wet, but he wasn’t here to shove me off of it or to pull it out from under my head. He left me here alone to wait for him to come back, I don’t think my wet hair on his pillowcase was too high a crime. 

 

What the hell is that noise?

There was a steady banging coming from somewhere in my house. I must have fallen asleep, lying there on the bed thinking about how empty it seemed. The banging was replaced by the sound of the doorbell ringing, over and over again. No one ever rang my doorbell, the only person who ever showed up here unexpected certainly wasn’t the one doing it, and anyway, he had a key. 

I pulled myself off the bed and pulled my towel tighter around my waist. By the time I made it to the door the banging had started again.

“Alright, alright,” I said, clicking the lock and pulling the door open.

“Zac, where have you been!?” Zoe shoved her way past me and into the house. How’d she even know where I lived?

“I came home to shower, I must have-“

“Taylor’s awake. I’ve been calling you over and over again, the hospital has been trying to call you, how could you not have your phone?”

“What? I came home and I cleaned and I took a shower and…I must have fallen asleep. Taylor’s- what?”

“He’s awake. I went to the hospital to see him and they wouldn’t let me in, he woke up a few hours ago.”

“I have to go,” I said, turning away from her and walking back towards my bedroom. 

How could I be so stupid? The one day I left his side for more than sixty minutes and he woke up and I wasn’t there for him. Careless. I was careless. 

“Zac,” Zoe followed me down the hallway and into my room. I was picking random articles of clothing out of my dresser, not really caring if she was standing there, and putting them on. “Let me drive you.”

“I’m fine, Zo.”

“I think you should let me drive you.”

I sat down on the end of the bed and pulled my sneakers on, lacing them quickly. I stood back up and walked to her and pulled her into a hug.

“I’m fine. I’m fine, Taylor’s awake. I have to get there. I’ll meet you there, lock the door behind you.”

I kissed her on the top of her head and walked away from her and into the kitchen, grabbing my phone, keys and wallet off the counter on my way by.

He was awake.

 

—

 

On my fourteenth birthday Taylor made the whole day about me. He woke me up at six in the morning, a huge smile on his face.

“C’mon sleepy head, get out of bed!”

“Huh? No,” I pushed him away, turning over and pulling the blankets up.

“No, no,” he laughed, yanking the blankets all the way off the bed and shaking me roughly. “It’s your birthday!”

Taylor had always loved birthdays. His own, someone else’s, it didn’t really matter. Everybody’s birthday was a birthday for him. When we were younger, he used to force Isaac and I to make elaborate homemade cards for Mom and Dad on their birthdays, breaking out what looked like a makeshift craft store from under his bed, keeping us all sitting Indian Style on the floor until we had hit his version of homemade birthday card perfection. As we got older, the home made cards turned into long days trawling through the mall looking for the perfect gift. He always, always made a cake. A regular Martha Stewart, that Taylor. 

“It’s my birthday, so let me sleep.”

“Nope! I have a whole day planned. Get up,” he pulled on my arm until I was sitting up. “That’s better, now on your feet.”

I groaned, pulling myself out of bed and muttering to myself as I walked to the bathroom.

“It’s kind of cold outside, put on a sweater.” He tossed me a pair of jeans.

“Hmpf,” I pulled my jeans on, turning to my dresser and pulling out a t-shirt and a hoodie. 

Once I was fully dressed, we made our way downstairs where Mom was sitting at the kitchen counter, a cup of coffee steaming in front of her.

“Well, aren’t we the early birds,” she smiled over at us, putting the pen she was using to do the crossword puzzle in the newspaper down.

“It’s Zac’s birthday!” Taylor beamed.

“I know, I was there when he was born, believe it or not.” She stood up and walked over to me and laid a kiss on the top of my head. “Happy birthday, baby.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a Ding Dong, ripping it’s plastic wrapper apart.

“Maybe something more nutritious for breakfast?” Mom chuckled.

“It’s my birthday,” I grinned, my mouth full of chocolate cake and filling.

“Okay, come on, we have to go!” Taylor was standing by the front door, bouncing from one foot to the other. He had a giant backpack slung over his shoulder.

“What are your plans for this special day? Mom walked over and dropped a kiss on Taylor’s head.

“Can’t tell you, it’s a surprise.” Taylor shook his head, looking over her shoulder at me. “Come on, Zac!”

“You’re annoying,” I walked to the door and pulled my sneakers on. 

“You love me.”

“I guess.”

We walked out of the house into the chilly October morning air, Mom laughing a goodbye at our backs. 

“Where are we going?” I asked Taylor when we reached the end of our street.

“You’ll see,” he said.

We walked, well, Taylor walked, I followed, until we reached the rollerblade park ten minutes from our house. When we got there, Taylor sat down on a bench and told to turn around, saying he didn’t want me to see anything in his backpack. 

“Okay,” he said. I turned around and he was holding out a pair of rollerblades, another pair sitting by his feet.

“It’s not even seven in the morning,” I laughed.

“Well, we’re gonna have a busy day!” He shook his head. “Come on, put them on.”

We sat side by side, pulling on our rollerblades and lacing them up. 

“We haven’t done this in ages,” I said.

“Think you still got it?” Taylor grinned, pushing himself to his feet. “Race ya!”

He took off towards the tree line, me yelling that it wasn’t fair, he got a head start.

We spent a couple of hours racing around the blacktop, falling more often than we’d probably like to admit. We were wind blown and our stomachs hurt from laughing by the time we collapsed on the grass, side by side, our legs tossed out in front of us, our thighs touching.

“That was fun,” Taylor breathed. His cheeks were so red.

“Yeah, I can’t believe we don’t do this anymore.”

“Me either.”

Taylor turned his body and reached for his backpack, waving me to turn my head. What was in that bag? He nudged me a few seconds later and handed me a bottle of water.

“What else ya got in there?” I asked between sips.

“You’ll see.”

“You like saying that today.”

“Yup,” he grinned. 

We drank our water, watching a few kids start to trickle into the park. Some of them veered off to the basketball hoops, some of them were strapping rollerblades around their feet. There were a couple of adults walking their dogs or jogging. It was warming up a little outside and there were bunnies and squirrels running around in the grass.

“Hey,” Taylor nudged me with his elbow.

“Hey,” I turned to look at him.

“Happy birthday,” he smiled, leaning in and placing three short kisses on my mouth.

I looked around, there were people all over the place now, we had never touched more than two brothers might in public, we’d definitely never kissed outside of our little bedroom or our treehouse. 

“It’s okay,” he said, putting a hand on my arm. “It’s okay.”

 

We walked from the park to the movie theater where Taylor paid for us to see Fight Club (Mom would be so pissed), and he bought us two large popcorns and two giant Mountain Dews. There were only four other people in the theater so early in the day and he held my hand through the whole movie. 

When the theater lights came on he took his hand away from mine and picked up his empty popcorn container, holding his hand out for mine.

We left the theater and walked over to a small picnic area a couple of blocks away. When we sat down on the bench, side by side, he started pulling things out of his magical backpack of tricks. There were sandwiches and Twinkie's, chips and a thermos of something. He smiled over at me and shrugged.

“Hope you’re hungry.”

“I am,” I smiled. I was just picturing Taylor, up at five in the morning, throwing together a birthday picnic for me. Sometimes, when he did things like this, I thought about how much I loved him, how much he meant to be. I didn’t know what or who I’d be without him. 

We ate together and then Taylor opened the thermos. He took a sip out of it and then handed it to me. I tilted it to my mouth and took a large sip, almost spitting it out.

“What the hell is that?”

He laughed, shaking his head.

“It’s Jack and Coke, I figured you’re fourteen now and your first drink should be with someone you trust. I didn’t want you going to and doing it with Isaac or anything.” He laughed again.

“Like Isaac would do anything with me.”

We never saw Isaac anymore. He was too cool for us, and he was seemingly on a mission to see how many girls he could date before he turned 20. 

“So, this is your first drink?” He asked, taking another swig and holding it out to me.

“Yeah,” I took a sip. “When would I have had a drink before without you knowing?”

“I dunno,” he shrugged. We passed the thermos back and forth. The drink was a bit sweeter than I had ever expected a Jack and Coke to be, but it warmed me up on the inside. 

“Anything I’ve ever done, I’ve done it with you for the first time,” I watched him take another sip. He lowered the thermos into his lap and looked at me, his eyes wandering over my face.

We sat in silence for a while, finishing off Taylor’s thermos. I was feeling a little fuzzy, a lot warm. I don’t know that half a thermos of Jack and Coke was the right decision for my first time drinking, but I didn’t regret it, I kind of liked the feeling. 

We walked over to the Laser Tag place and Taylor paid for us to play. We suited up, on the blue team, “we have to be on blue, it’s his birthday,” Taylor had insisted to the cashier, who looked at him like he was a little bit off. 

We spent 30 minutes ganging up on all the younger kids who were playing and in the end it was just him and I left. He stood in front of me, behind a fake rock, blocking us from the rest of the arena.

“Shoot me.”

“Huh?”

“There can only be one winner, it’s your birthday, shoot me.” He grinned.

“Just like that? That easy?”

“Yep, you’re the birthday boy.”

He walked towards me and pulled me in, kissing me soft. He backed up a few feet and spread his arms out wide.

“Take me out, Hanson.”

 

By the time we made it home it was after nine at night, it was dark outside and we were exhausted. Mom suggested a late dinner, but we just wanted to go to sleep.

We went to our room and Taylor locked the door. 

“Come on,” he got under the blankets on my bed and patted the empty space next to him. I crawled in beside him and we laid face to face, our noses almost touching.

“Did you have a good birthday?”

“The best,” I smiled. It wasn’t a lie. 

“I want to make it better,” he whispered, kissing me slowly.

“How are you going to do that?” I asked between kisses.

“Let’s do another first,” he said, moving his lips from my mouth to my neck, his hand winding its way down my chest, down my stomach.

“What,” I breathed.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, his hand finding its way inside my boxers.

“Tay,” I felt my body stiffen when he wrapped his fingers around me. This was definitely a first.

“Happy birthday,” he said, kissing me, as he moved his hand, slowly, hesitant at first, and then gaining speed, gaining confidence. 

I’d only ever done this to myself, I’d never had anyone else ever even come close to touching me like this, and I don’t know what I expected it to be like, but there were sparks of electricity shooting throughout my whole body, I’m almost sure they were coming out of my ears, out of my eyes.

“Does that feel good?” He asked into my mouth. I nodded my head, it was all I was really capable of at that moment.

Against my will, I let out a moan when he twisted his hand, and his other hand shot up and covered my mouth.

“Shh,” he whispered, biting down on the skin underneath my ear.

“Tay,” I whispered. I wasn’t going to last much longer. I was slightly embarrassed, but almost feeling too good to really care.

“It’s okay,” he said. He was always reassuring me. He always knew.

He stroked me one, two, three more times, digging his teeth into my skin and I felt my entire body tighten up, and then, for a few glorious seconds, the whole world went to black.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a doctor. I know almost nothing, aside from what google told me, about brain injury or comas. I've done my best to not make these elements too far fetched.

I don’t even remember the drive to the hospital. I’m not even sure how I made it there alive. For all I know my truck floated through the sky until it landed in the parking lot at Saint Francis. I couldn’t believe that I’d been so stupid, that I’d left that room for as long as I had. Of course, Taylor would wake up in the few hours I wasn’t there. I had held a constant vigil by his side since I got the call that he was hurt, but fall asleep by accident, and he’s awake. My luck - or lack thereof - never ceased to amaze me. 

All I could think about was him opening his eyes and being in that stupid room all by himself. There’d be no one there to greet him. He must have panicked, he was probably still panicking. 

I jabbed the elevator button to take me up to the fourth floor and when the doors didn’t ding and open immediately I grumbled out a, ‘fuck this,’ and ran around the corner to the stairwell. I threw the door open and took the stairs to Taylor’s floor two at a time. He was awake. That was all that really mattered, Taylor was awake.

As I sprinted by the nurses desk I heard one of them call out my name, but I ignored her and pushed the door to Taylor’s room open. Doctor Jacobs and two people I’d never seen before were surrounding him, and I couldn’t even see him, all that was there was two blanket covered legs.

“Taylor,” I said as I moved around his bed to the other side where Doctor Jacobs was standing. “Oh my God, Taylor, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up.”

“Zac, maybe we should talk in the hallway-“ Doctor Jacobs started, but I leaned down and threw my arms around him. His eyes were open. He was awake.

“I’m so happy you woke up,” I said into his neck. I could feel hot tears threatening to unleash, but I squeezed my eyes shut. This wasn’t about me, it was about him.

“Zac,” his voice. My name had never sounded better.

I stood up and looked down at him, I couldn’t even help it, my face had a mind of its own, and I was smiling, really smiling for the first time in days.

“Hey,” I said, brushing his bangs back.

“What-“ he looked up at me and squinted his eyes, his nose wrinkled up.

“What is it?”

“What happened to your face?”

“My-“ I shook my head, “what?”

“Your face, it looks so different.” He shook his head slowly, one side to the other.

“Zac, we really should go speak in the hall,” Doctor Jacobs put her hand on my arm, she was looking up at me as if she was about to ruin my world. I didn’t want to speak in the hall, I wanted to crawl into that bed with Taylor and never let him go.

“What’s going on?” I asked, looking from Taylor to Doctor Jacobs and then to the two strangers in white coats on the other side of Taylor’s bed.

“I’ll explain things to you, Zac, just not right here. Let’s go over to the conference room.” Doctor Jacobs wrapped her fingers around my elbow and pulled me towards the door. Her fingernails were painted pastel pink. Was everything about her inappropriate?

I looked back at Taylor as I was being forced to leave the room, he looked confused, like he barely recognized me. This wasn’t what I expected this to be like. I thought he’d wake up and we’d have a reunion, we might even cry a little. We’d kiss and hug and I’d tell him how much I missed him, how worried I was. 

Doctor Jacobs lead me to that same stupid tan chair. I reluctantly sat down and she sat next to me in her corner chair. She was frowning, something I wasn’t aware she was able to do until right that moment. 

“What is happening?” I asked her, leaning forward, my elbows on the table. 

“Zac, I don’t want you to panic, just stay calm and be patient. We see this a lot in patients who’ve suffered a trauma to their brains, especially those who’ve come out of a coma. We’re lucky he wasn’t down too long-“

“Can you just tell me what’s going on, please?” 

“Taylor seems to be suffering some memory loss. When he woke up he was naturally disoriented, but he had no idea what month, or even year we’re in.”

“Memory loss? Like, are you telling me that he doesn’t know who he is?”

“No, he knows who he is. He knows where he lives. We can’t pinpoint where his memory loss begins, that’s probably something you’ll understand more than us, but he is missing time, that we know for sure.”

“Why?” I leaned back in the chair. If things could ever get worse, they would. They always do.

“This happens a lot when someone has suffered a brain injury, especially when they’ve spent time in a comatose state. We’re ruling out some things now, and over the next couple of days we’ll be running a host of tests and making sure everything else is working smoothly, but for right now Taylor is missing details of his life, details you can probably help him fill in, but we do urge you to do so cautiously and gently.”

“How long will this last? Will he come out of it?”

“Almost definitely. Typically post traumatic amnesia resolves itself in time. There really isn’t much in the way of treatment for it, but we can help him along the path of remembering. We can’t really give you a timeline, it can be anywhere from minutes to, unfortunately, several months. For all we know, we could walk back into his room in a minute and he’d remember everything.”

“But he won't,” I leaned on the table again, putting my head in my hands.

“Probably not, it’s usually a little longer lasting than that, unfortunately, but anything is possible.” She put her hand on my arm. “He will come back, Zac.”

“Okay,” I picked myself back up and nodded once. “Okay.”

“One thing, Zac,” she said, sitting back a little bit and tilting her head. It was almost as if she didn’t want to tell me whatever it is she had to say.

“Yeah?”

“He keeps asking for his wife.”

I felt my heart drop a little, I raised an eyebrow.

“He doesn’t have a wife.”

“I know.”

“Okay,” I said. What was I supposed to do with that? Was I supposed to tell Taylor he didn’t have the wife that he thought he had?

“Have you called your par-“

I pushed my chair back loudly, stopping her. I stood and put my hand up in between us.

“No. No I haven’t called my parents, and I’m not going to. Please stop bringing it up.”

She smiled and nodded, walking to the door and opening it.

“Okay,” She stood back and motioned for me to leave the room. “You should get back to your brother.”

“Yeah,” I said, walking into the hallway. I took a few steps and then stopped. I turned my head and gave her a small smile. “Thank you.”

She nodded again and smiled, flipping her file open and jotting something down. 

 

When I walked back into Taylor’s room he was alone. The TV was on, and he was staring at it with a blank expression on his face. Someone had moved my chair, so I picked it up and placed it back where it belonged, right next to him.

“Hey,” I smiled, sitting down and squeezing his arm.

“Hey,” he turned his head to look at me.

“You’re awake.”

“Seems that way.”

“I was worried about you, I missed you.”

“It wasn’t that long, was it?” He brought his hand up to rub the cut over his eye.

“A few days.”

“Can you help me sit up?” He looked back at me. “This is so uncomfortable.”

“Are you supposed to?”

“They didn’t say I couldn’t.”

“Okay,” I smiled, standing up and looking for the button to incline the bed. “Tell me when.”

I pushed the button and watched him go from laying down to sitting. 

“When,” he said when he was fully sitting up. I released the button and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing him. 

“How do you feel?” I reached out and fixed his hair again. We needed to get that cut.

“Like I’ve been in a car accident.”

“Well,” I laughed a little. “Makes sense.”

“I don’t remember it.”

“It’ll come back to you. Everything will come back to you.”

“Zac?” 

“Yeah?”

“Where’s Natalie?”

I breathed out. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t know what he remembered, and I didn’t know what he didn’t remember, but I didn’t want to be the one who had to tell him. I didn’t want to be the one making him relive the worst parts of his life, the one handing him all of his losses all over again.

“Tay, you and Nat…” I brushed my hands through my hair. “You guys divorced…three years ago.”

“Div- that’s impossible.”

“It’s true.”

“Why?”

Why? The short version is me. The long version is a lot more complicated. 

“That’ll all come back to you, Tay,” I said, reaching out and taking his hand. I rubbed my thumb along his skin.

“I don’t understand,” he said, squinting his eyes again. He looked down at our hands, at my thumb rubbing small circles on his hand. He looked back up and his eyes stopped at mine. “I don’t understand.”

“Tay, what do you remember?”

“I-“ his eyes left mine and went up to the ceiling. “I was married. To Natalie. We were happy. Happy enough. I left the house to go to work, and now I’m here.”

“Do you remember the kids?”

“My kids? Yeah, yeah. Of course I remember my kids.”

“Do you remember-“ I wanted to ask him so bad. I wanted to ask him if he remembered me. I knew he remembered me, but did he remember us? I said nothing, the word lodged in my throat. I didn’t have to ask him, I could tell by the way he looked at our hands. I could tell by the way he looked at me. 

“Taylor!” 

We both turned and looked towards the door. Zoe was walking towards us, a huge smile on her face. She was carrying a balloon and a little pot of flowers. 

“You’re awake,” her smile was ear to ear. She placed the flowers on the ledge by the window and put the ballon down. She leaned over and kissed Taylor on the cheek, squeezing his shoulder. “It’s so good to see you awake.”

“Zoe,” I said, standing up from my spot on the bed. “I wish you’d called me.”

“What?” She looked over at me.

“He’s…um.” I ran my hand through my hair again. “Taylor is suffering some memory loss.” I could see Doctor Jacobs face in my mind as I said it. This felt like a cosmic joke.

“What?” She said again, looking from me to Taylor. “You don’t remember?”

“You look different, too.” He said to her. “You’re older.”

“We haven’t seen each other in a while, Tay.”

“No, Zoe, he doesn’t remember that.”

“We haven’t? I swear I just saw you the other day. You babysat the kids while Nat and I went out to dinner.”

Zoe’s face screwed up, she looked at me again, her eyes wide. I nodded my head, frowning.

“Zac?” She walked around the bed and stopped next to me. “Can we talk, outside?’

“Yeah,” I reached over and patted Taylor’s shoulder. “I’ll be back in a minute, okay?”

“Okay,” he said. He looked confused. Concerned. He looked lost.

 

“He doesn’t remember that him and Natalie split up?” Zoe asked once we were in the hallway, Taylor’s door closed behind us. We leaned up against the wall, side by side.

“No,” my eyes were on my feet, my sneaker trying to dig a hole in the ground.

“Why?”

“They don’t know, we don’t know. This happens sometimes, to people who’ve had a head injury.”

“What do we do?”

“I have no idea. I guess I have to answer his questions, tell him things. Fill in the blanks.”

“How much doesn’t he remember?”

“I don’t know, I wasn’t in there long before you showed up. He said he was home with Natalie, he left to go to work and now he’s here.”

“Do you think the whole three years is gone?” She shook her head. “That’s a lot of time, that’s a lot of things.”

“I hope not,” I sighed, leaning my head back on the wall. 

We stood there, side by side, brother and sister. The silence was comfortable, I’d missed her. We’d always been close, the loss of Zoe was huge in my life, and here she was, back at my side. Under the worst circumstances. 

“I don’t want to make things worse. I’m going to go in and say goodbye, I’ll come back tomorrow. I should leave you two, I should let you figure this out.” She pushed herself off the wall and reached for my hand. 

“Can you call Ike? Fill him in? I don’t have the energy. Tell him I’ll call him when we’re ready for him to come.”

“Of course.”

She linked her fingers with mine and we walked back into the room together, back to our brother. 

“Hey Tay,” she smiled, letting go of my hand and standing next to him. “I have to go, I just wanted to come and say hi, see your eyes open.” She kissed him on the cheek and smiled again. “I’ll come back tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” he smiled at her. 

She hugged me tight and kissed me on the cheek.

“I love you,” she whispered in my ear. “And I’m sorry, about everything.”

“Love you too, Zo.”

She squeezed me tightly and then let go. She looked between me and Taylor and smiled sadly.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

 

When she left I sat back down on the bed and looked at Taylor. I didn’t know what to say to him, and that was completely new territory for me. I’d never second guessed my words with him, even in times when we fought or weren’t on solid ground, I was always comfortable speaking my mind to him. He’d been my rock almost my whole life, and now he was the weak one. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

His words took me out of my thoughts and I shook my head, smiling at him. 

“Sorry, just thinking.”

“About what?”

“I’m just wondering what's going on up there,” I poked his forehead lightly. “I don’t know what to say, because I don’t know what you remember.”

“So, we’re not fighting anymore?”

“Us?” I laughed. “No, no we’re not fighting anymore.”

Things had gotten bad between Taylor and I for a little while. Towards the end of his marriage to Natalie we were on nothing but rocky ground. Words were exchanged, we’d even come close to a physical fight once. But, that was forever ago, for me at least. 

“Good,” he grinned.

“So,” I stretched my arms above my head. 

“So.”

“Anything you want to know?” 

“Why’d we get divorced?” Anything but that.

“Well,” I looked around the room. Yup, no one there to save me. “I think-“ I scratched my nose. “I think you fell in love with someone else.”

“Who?” He crinkled his nose.

“I, um. I think you should wait for that one. I think maybe now isn’t the time.”

“Why?”

“It’s complicated, Tay.” I shrugged. “I don’t want you to get overwhelmed.”

He looked at me for a few seconds and then nodded his head.

“Okay.”

“What else?”

“What about you? Are you dating anyone?”

“Me?” I laughed a little. “Yeah, yeah I am.”

“Do I know them?”

“I’d say yes.”

“That’s good, Zac. You deserve it.” He smiled.

“Yeah.”

There was a quick knock at the door and Doctor Jacobs walked in. Saved by the bell. Or something.

“Taylor,” she smiled. “How are you feeling.”

“Well, I just found out that I’m divorced, so that’s a shock. But I’m okay, I think.”

“Well,” she smiled again, tinkering with the machines and jotting down numbers. “Let me look in your eyes.”

She took out a small flashlight and shined it in both of his eyes. 

“Good,” She said, writing in the chart again.

“Are you catching up?” She looked at me.

“Yep,” I nodded.

“Good, remember what I said.”

“Will do, Doc.”

“I’ll leave you two to it, then.” She smiled, walking towards the door and putting her hand under the hand sanitizer dispenser. “You’ve got a good brother here, Taylor. He’s been by your side the whole time.”

“Yeah,” Taylor smiled. “He’s always been by my side.”

She left the room, shutting the door quietly behind her.

“So,” Taylor looked over at me. I smiled at him. “What did happen to your face?”

 

—

 

It was October of 2000 when I realized that maybe everything I thought about Taylor and I was just something I’d made up in my head. 

For the last few months Taylor had been going out a lot without me. He’d been coming home late and going straight to bed. Some nights he’d slide into my bed, snake his arm around my waist and lay warm kisses on my neck, some nights I’d lay there awake and listen to him come in, trying to be quiet, slip his shoes off and get into his own bed.

If I said I wasn’t jealous and a little hurt, I’d be lying.

Two and a half years had passed since that first day in our treehouse where we’d decided to practice kissing. Two and a half years of me falling head over heels in love with someone who I was never supposed to grow those feelings for, but I’d done it, and every day over those two and half years, I had thought he’d fallen in love with me, too.

One night I was sitting up in his bed, waiting for him to come home. It was nearing three in the morning and I was growing impatient waiting. I had read through six comic books, some of them twice. Since when was Taylor even allowed to stay out until three in the morning? 

Finally when the red numbers on the clock said 3:17 I heard the doorknob turn. I placed my comic book down next to me on the bed and crossed my arms over my chest. When he came into the room, you could tell he was trying to be quiet, to not wake me up. He slid his shoes off by the door and walked over to his bed, when he looked up and saw me sitting there he jumped back a little bit.

“Zac,” he laughed. “What’re you doing?”

“Waiting for you,” I shrugged. “Where’ve you been?”

“Out,” he said, pulling his shirt off and tossing it to the hamper in the corner of the room, it fell short and landed on the floor.

“Out where?”

“Just out.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and ran his hands over his thighs. 

“Are you going to sleep in your jeans?”

“No,” he shook his head and stood back up, sliding out of them. He sat back down and looked at me. “What is it?”

“You’ve been ignoring me, you’re always out.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is,” I leaned forward, looking in his eyes. “I’ve barely seen you in weeks and we live in the same room.”

“What do you want me to say, Zac?” He crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes.

“I want you to tell me why you don’t seem to want to be around me anymore.” I slid to the edge of the bed and put my knees over it so we were sitting side by side. “Why don’t you want to be near me?”

He sighed and ran a hand over his face. He looked at me for a few seconds before shaking his head and looking down at his knees.

“I kind of met somebody.”

“What?” I leaned in to him.

“I met someone,” he turned his head so he was looking at me. “A girl.”

“A girl?” I asked. This is almost exactly what I expected, but with all my ramping myself up for it, I didn’t prepare myself for what I’d say or do, and I think a piece of me thought I was being ridiculous.

“Yeah, her name’s Natalie.”

“Natalie,” I repeated.

“Yeah.”

“Is she pretty?” I didn’t really care, but I didn’t know what else to say.

“Yeah,” he smiled, looking down at the blanket between our legs. “She is.”

“That’s good.”

We sat in silence, him playing with the fabric of the blanket, me trying to think of something to say. 

“Have you kissed her?” I didn’t even mean to ask the question, I didn’t really want to know the answer.

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“Zac,” he looked up at me, his face sad.

“What?”

“Are you upset?”

“No,” I shook my head. “Why would I be upset?”

“I don’t know,” he chewed on his lip. “Because…I don’t know.”

“Because you climb in my bed at night when you get home from being out with her?”

“Zac.”

“Or because you make out with me when you get home from making out with her when you feel like it?”

“Zac,” he said again, meeting my eyes.

“Or, because you don’t climb in my bed and you don’t make out with me most nights, because you’re out making out with her?”

“This was going to happen eventually, for one of us.”

“Was it? Was that the plan? Cause I haven’t been out looking.”

“I wasn’t out looking either, Zac. It just happened.” 

“So I was just a placeholder for you, until you stumbled into a pretty girl who you’d like to stay out all night kissing?” I moved towards him, my face inches from his.

“What did you think was going to happen? Did you think we were going to grow old and get married and die a happy couple?” He was shaking his head, his eyes were narrow. “We’re brothers, Zac!”

“It’s weird, you’re not thinking about that when you’re on top of me in my bed with your tongue in my mouth!”

“This is why I didn’t tell you,” I could feel his breath on my face, neither of us were budging. I was mad, and that was making him mad. 

“You don’t want me anymore?” 

“Zac.”

“Stop saying my name, answer the question, you don’t want me anymore?”

“I didn’t- Zac, I didn’t say that, I just- we need to face the facts.”

“What facts?”

“This thing between us is wrong, it can’t go anywhere. We’re better off finding other people.”

I closed the gap between our faces and pressed my lips to his, hard. He sat stiff until I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck. His lips loosened and he kissed me back, fast and frantic and like we’d never kissed before. I pulled back a little, my forehead resting on his.

“You don’t want me anymore?”

“Shh,” he leaned in to kiss me again but I pulled back again.

“You don’t want me anymore?”

“I want you,” he whispered, bringing his hand to my neck and pulling me towards him. “I want you.”

We kissed, angrily and quickly, our mouths battling against each other. I felt his hand slide from my neck to my shoulder and then down my arm. His hand landed on the waistband of my basketball shorts and he tugged on them, his other hand pushing my hips, pushing me to stand up. He stood up with me, pushing my shorts off, and then pushing me back onto the bed. We’d never done this before, we’d never taken our clothes off.

He climbed on top of me, pushing his hips down onto mine, his lips finding my neck. 

“I want you,” he practically growled into my skin before biting down, his hand snaking between us, his fingers wrapping around me. 

“Tay,” I grabbed the back of his head, tangling his hair in between my fingers, I pulled his head up so he was looking at me. “What’re you doing?”

His arm was slowly moving up and down, stroking me in a painfully drawn out way.

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“Why are you doing it?” My voice was hitched, it was taking everything in me to be able to even speak.

“Because I want you,” His head dipped back to my neck, his teeth finding their place on my skin. 

“You want me.”

He nodded into my neck and his hand moved faster. He moved so that he was completely between my legs and I could feel him pressing into my skin.

“I want you,” he brought his face in front of mine and looked me in the eyes, hard, like he was trying to read my mind. “Can I have you?”

His hand was still now, and we looked at each other in silence. We’d never gone this far, we’d never even mentioned going this far. There were times I had thought about it, thought about what it might be like to do this with him, to have him inside me, to have all of him.

“Can I have you?” He asked again, his voice low.

I put my hand in his hair and pulled his face down to mine.

“Yes.”


	6. Chapter 6

Explaining to Taylor that I had lost a bunch of weight over the last three years was weird for me and confusing to him. He wasn’t doing a good job of wrapping his head around the fact that he’d seemingly lost three years of his life. To him, he’d left Natalie and the kids to go to work this morning and woke up here, to him we were three years younger, in a place where everything was about to fall apart and nothing would ever be the same, and he was going to be forced to go through the realization that his life was totally different now, he was going to have to go through all of his losses all over again. I was going to have to be the one watching him, forcing him to go through the heartbreak, the devastation. I was going to have to be the one to hold him and see that look on his face all over again. This was going to be painful for the both of us, and we’d already endured this pain once, I guess that when people say life isn’t fair, they aren’t lying. 

I could see on Taylor’s face that he was exhausted. It almost made me laugh, the thought that he’d been essentially sleeping for six days, but was still tired. I settled into my chair by his bed, leaned back and put my feet up on the edge. I flipped the TV on. COPS. Was COPS always on? Did it ever stop airing? 

“Is this good?” I looked at him, he was leaning back, a hand on his forehead.

“Yeah,” he shrugged.

“You okay?”

“Just a headache,” he rolled his head so he was looking at me. “They said I’d probably get them.”

“Do you want me to call the nurse? Get you something?”

“Yeah,” he rolled his head back so he was facing the TV, but his eyes were shut.

I took my legs off the bed and pressed the call button, a second later a nurse’s voice floated into the air asking what we needed.

“He uh, he has a headache, could he get some Tylenol or something?”

“I’ll send someone in.”

A few minutes went by before I heard a knock on the door and Doctor Jacobs stepped in. Did she live at the hospital? Did she not allow her nurses to do literally anything with her patients? 

“What seems to be the problem, Taylor?” She walked over to the side of his bed and rested her hand on the mattress.

“My head hurts, pretty bad.”

“Okay,” she nodded. “I’ll call some Tylenol in for you. Is everything else okay?”

He nodded, putting his hand down on his stomach.

“We have you scheduled for another MRI in about an hour, someone will be up to get you and wheel you down.” She looked over at me. “That would be a good time for you to go get yourself some food, maybe a little rest.”

“I can’t go with him?”

“No,” she shook her head. “You could go home, get some rest.”

“I think I’ll stay here.”

“Okay,” she smiled and looked back at Taylor. “I’ll get that Tylenol in to you, see you soon.”

She patted his leg and let herself out of the room.

“You don’t have to stay with me Zac, you must have things to do.” Taylor looked over at me again.

“I want to be here,” I reached out and touched his wrist. “I want to stay with you.”

He nodded and turned his head back to the TV, his eyes closed again.

 

They took Taylor for his MRI and I sat in the room, scrolling through my phone. There was really no one I was interested in speaking to at that moment, but I knew I had to. I scrolled to Natalie’s name and hit call, not looking forward to explaining things to her.

“Zac,” she answered. I could hear the kids playing in the background. I missed those kids. 

For three years I’d gotten closer and closer to them, helping Taylor raise them as if they were mine. Ezra was really the only one who fully understood the things that had happened. He’d taken it hard at first, not able to get his young brain to understand how two grown men, two brothers, could fall in love, lighting their entire worlds on fire in the process. He didn’t come around much at first, but about six months after the divorce he’d shown up at the door. He’d walked a half an hour from Natalie’s house to Taylor’s and when Taylor wasn’t there to answer, he’d walked another twenty to my house. We’d sat on the couch with him, tears were shed, hugs were doled out, and at the end he’d decided that he wanted his Dad in his life, he wanted me in his life, more than he wanted to be angry about the situation. 

“Nat, you should come to the hospital.”

“What’s going on?”

“He’s awake, he woke up earlier today. There’s a lot happening, I don’t really understand all of it. He, um,” I paused, trying to figure out how to say it, how to explain it to her. “He has some memory loss. He doesn’t seem to remember any of the last three years. He thinks you’re still married, Nat.”

“What?” 

“He thinks he left the house to go to work this morning and then woke up here. He knows he didn’t, they’ve explained to him that he didn’t, that it’s been years, but he can’t understand it.”

“Oh my,” her voice was soft. “How will me coming there help?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I have no idea, Nat, but I’ll try anything at this point.”

“Okay,” she said. “Kids, get your shoes on, we’re going to Grandma’s.”

Grandma’s. My mother's house. 

“I’ll drop the kids off with your parents and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Please don’t tell them.”

She was silent for a few seconds, and then I heard her sigh.

“I won’t, but you should.”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Okay,” Natalie was never the kind to involve herself in matters that she didn’t belong in. I appreciated that about her. 

“And Nat?”

“Yeah?”

“He doesn’t…” a small brick was forming in my throat. I pinched the bridge of my nose. 

“What?”

“He doesn’t seem to remember us…him and I.”

“He doesn’t remember you?” She sounded confused.

“No, he remembers me. I don’t think he remembers that we’re…together.”

“Oh,” she sighed again. “I’m sorry, Zac.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay? Hang in there.”

She ended the call and I sat back in my chair. This was a mess. I didn’t see how it could get any better. 

 

Three episodes of COPS later, I was just about ready to pull my eyeballs out of their sockets with my fingertips. How had this show been on the air for so long? Every episode was the same, a bunch of degenerates doing stupid things and getting caught. When I heard a light knock on the door, it was like being liberated from a self imposed hell, and I practically leaped out of my chair and walked towards the door. 

“Hey,” Natalie walked into the room and immediately wrapped her arms around me. She smelled clean and sweet, like she always did.

“Hey.”

“Where is he?” She looked around the room, smiling at the balloon and little pot of flowers Zoe had left.

“He’s having an MRI. He’s been gone for a while, he should be back soon.”

“Are they saying anything?”

“No, just that this is common and that it will resolve itself on it’s own…they just don’t know how long it will take. Could be days, could be months.”

“Jesus,” she sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bed facing me.

“Yeah.”

“So, what does he remember?”

“I don’t know, nothing from the last three years it seems. He asked me if we were still fighting.”

She laughed a little, shaking her head.

“I remember that fight.”

We looked at each other. It was the fight that started everything. The fight that tore our worlds apart. We’d never really fought much, the two of us, but when we did it was always nuclear. That fight was no exception.

“What are you going to do, Zac?” Natalie’s face was washed with concern. It spoke to her character, the way she behaved.

Imagine being a woman, in love with a man since you were barely old enough to even know what love is, and you spend your life building with that man, having children, raising them, making a home…and then one day it’s all gone. Burnt to the ground. But you love that man, and your children, so much that you still care for him. You’re still always there if and when you’re needed. You’re still a friend, a confidant. I don’t think I’m half the person Natalie is, I don’t think I could be if I tried.

“I don’t know-“ we turned our heads toward the door, Doctor Jacobs walking in, she wasn’t smiling. It was unsettling.

“Zac,” she nodded. “We should talk.”

“Okay,” I nodded, standing up. “This is Natalie, Taylor’s ex-wife. Natalie, this is Doctor Jacobs, Taylor’s doctor.”

“Hello,” Natalie stood, sticking her hand out for the doctor to shake.

“Good to meet you,” Doctor Jacobs shook her hand and then turned back to me. “Do you want to speak in private?”

“No,” I shook my head, looking at Natalie. “You can talk in front of her. She’s family.”

“So, usually we don’t look over the MRI immediately after running it, but we wanted to put a rush on this, and honestly we’re pretty slow this week, so my colleague and I looked them over as soon as they were done.” She looked towards the door, almost expecting someone to come in, when no one did she continued. “Why don’t we sit down?”

“We’re fine, Doc, what is it?” My palms were sweating and my chest was tight. Something was wrong with Taylor. 

“Taylor appears to have what we call a subdural hematoma, or a subdural hemorrhage. In normal speak, this means the area between his skull and his brain is bleeding. Sometimes after a serious trauma this can happen, the reason we didn’t catch it on the first MRI is that it likely started soon after that. The subdural hematoma could very well be the reason for Taylor’s memory loss, and certainly for his headache.” 

I felt Natalie’s hand land on my wrist, her fingers lightly wrapping around it. I wasn’t sure if it was to make me feel better, or to make her feel better, but either way, I don’t think it was working. 

“So, what does that mean?” I asked, the hand of my free arm landing on top of Natalie’s hand on my wrist. I squeezed lightly, looking over at her to let her know that I was there for her, too. 

“Taylor’s going to have to have surgery, immediately. They’re getting him ready now.”

“I need to see him,” I took a step towards the door, Doctor Jacobs stepping out in front of me to stop me.

“We need to finish talking first,” She put a hand lightly on my chest.

“What else is there to say?”

“Zachary,” she shook her head. “Zac. The prognosis for someone suffering from an acute subdural hematoma is generally a poor one. Even with prompt surgery, things can go poorly. Taylor has his age on his side, but the fact that he was in a coma for almost six days isn’t on his side. The rest of his brain appears to be fine, and he’s now awake and alert, these are all good things. I just want you to be prepared for what could happen. We estimate that 20 to 30 percent of people regain the full brain function after a subdural hematoma. Eighteen percent of people die within thirty days of having the surgery.”

“Die?” I interrupted her. “No, Taylor isn’t going to die, he’s fine, he’s awake.”

“We’re going to do everything we can for him. We’ve started him on medication to prevent seizures, and also to aid in treating any brain injury he may have sustained.”

“Seizures- I- what?” 

“It’s a preventative measure, there's no indication that Taylor will have seizures, but it is common in patients in his shoes.”

“But, he’ll be fine after you operate, right?”

“That’s our hope.”

“What is this surgery?”

“It’s called a craniotomy. We will remove a piece of Taylor’s skull in order to reach the hematoma. Once we’ve done that we’ll use suction and irrigation to remove it. We will use general anesthesia, so he’ll be under during the surgery. I have to tell you the risks associated with the procedure, but I don’t want you to panic. I assure you that Taylor is in good hands. I’ll be performing the surgery myself, with my colleagues, we’ve done many of these, Zac, I don’t want you to sit in this room worrying.”

“Well, there is no hope of me not doing that, Doc.” I shrugged. “Hit me with the risks.”

“There is always a risk of bleeding, or infection associated with brain surgeries. We warn of a risk of the brain swelling, accumulating fluid, or damage to the normal tissue surrounding the brain, which can cause problems with the patient's ability to speak, see, or think clearly. These are merely risks, and if all goes well we have no reason to believe any of this will happen to Taylor.”

“Okay,” my chest hurt so bad, I thought my heart might explode directly out of it, landing on the floor at Doctor Jacobs feet. “Can I see him now?”

“I’ll bring you guys to pre-op. You’ll only have a few minutes, but I want to warn you, he will have an area of his head shaved in preparation for the surgery. When you see him after, he’ll be bandaged up.” She walked to the door, motioning for us to follow her. 

We made our way to the elevators, up two floors, and through the hallways of the hospital. Doctor Jacobs placed two small knocks on a brown door and then pushed it open, revealing Taylor sitting up in a bed, a paper in his hand. He indeed had a section of his hair shaved, and he looked perturbed. He looked up when he heard us coming in and his face lit up.

“Nat,” he smiled at her, the first real smile I’d seen him give since he’d been awake. 

“Hey Tay,” she smiled, walking to him and giving him a small hug. “I heard you were in an accident.”

“Apparently,” he shrugged. “I don’t remember it. But, I don’t remember anything, really. I heard we got divorced.”

“We did,” she smiled softly. “Three years ago.”

“That’s a shame.”

“It’s good, Tay, you’re happier now.” Natalie sat on the edge of his bed, facing him. She laid a hand on his arm.

“I am?”

“You are,” she smiled. “We all are.” She turned her head to look at me and smiled again.

He sounded out a quick ‘hmm’ before reaching up and touching his newly installed bald spot. He made a face and then shook his head.

“I woke up this morning and left the house to go to work and suddenly I’m divorced, can’t remember parts of my life and they’ve shaved my hair off. I’m having a great day.”

The three of us burst out laughing. I’m not sure if it was really all that funny, or we just needed a tension reliever, but we laughed, really laughed, for longer than was probably appropriate.

“I’m going to leave you two alone to talk before they whisk you away for your surgery.” Natalie patted Taylor on the arm before standing up. “I know you’ll do great,” she said, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. “We’ll be here when you get out.”

Taylor nodded and smiled, bringing his hand down to his stomach again.

“Okay,” he said. “See you when I get out.”

Natalie let herself out of the room, leaving me standing by the door, looking at Taylor, who was looking at me. In that moment I was so, so scared. Neither of us had ever gone through a surgery of any kind, and we’d certainly never gone through one that had an eighteen percent death rate. I walked over to the bed and sat in the spot Natalie had previously occupied.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” Taylor looked at me, something in his eyes looking as if he was trying to figure something out about me, trying to remember something.

“Are you nervous?”

“A little, he shrugged.

“Me too.”

“Why are you nervous?” 

“I-“ I didn’t know how to explain to him that if something happened to him, I would die. I didn’t know how to live this life without him. “I just want you to be okay.”

“You’ve always been my best friend, Zac.”

Taylor leaned forward a little bit, putting his hand over mine. My eyes were stinging, my stomach was turning.

“You’re my best friend too, Tay.”

“I’m glad I have you.”

“Me too.”

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to hold him so tight, to pick him up and run out of that hospital with him in my arms, take him somewhere far away from here. Somewhere where there wasn’t any general anesthesia, somewhere where subdural hematomas didn’t exist. Somewhere where he remembered the last three years of our lives together. The thought of him having a piece of his skull cut out made me want to throw up right there on that pre-op room floor. 

“I’ll be here the whole time, I’m not going anywhere. As soon as you come out of the surgery, I’ll be there.”

“Can you take me home after that?”

“I wish I could,” I frowned. “I think you’re going to be here for a little while, but I’ll be with you the whole time. I’m not going to leave you here alone.”

“Sorry to interrupt, but they’re ready for you, Taylor.” A young girl, who I assumed was a nurse stepped into the room.

“Yay,” Taylor said without any enthusiasm. 

“You must be Zac,” the nurse said. “Doctor Jacobs told me to tell you that the surgery can take anywhere from three to five hours, but she’s thinking this one will be closer to three. She wanted me to suggest you go home, take a shower, get something to eat and then come back here, she’ll call you if anything comes up.”

“I’m just going to wait here,” I shook my head, looking from her to Taylor. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’ll give you another minute, and then we’re going to take you down the hall, Taylor.”

“Thank you,” Taylor and I said at the same time as she walked out of the room.

“Zac, you don’t have to stay here and wait,” Taylor looked at me, he rubbed at the skin around the cut above his eye.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I repeated. “I’m waiting here for you, I wouldn’t be able to think straight if I were anywhere else.”

“Okay,” Taylor smiled. “Hey, how come Mom and Dad haven’t been here?”

I sighed, running my hand through my hair. 

“We’ll talk about all of that later, once you get back into your room. I promise that once we get through this surgery, I’ll answer any questions you have.”

He nodded, shifting his body on the bed a little bit and bringing his hand back up to the shaved spot on his head.

“I must look ridiculous.”

“You look great, Tay. You always look great.”

The nurse came back into the room then, accompanied by another young woman.

“Alright, it’s time.” She smiled at us. “Your ride is here.”

I stood up and faced Taylor, I didn’t want him to go in there without me. I wanted to be there, to protect him, to make sure he’d make it back to me alive.

“Good luck,” I forced a smile onto my face. “I know you’ll do great.”

I leaned down and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him as close to me as I could at the awkward angle we were at.

“I love you, Tay.” I whispered in his ear. 

“Love you too, Zac.”

I let him go, despite not wanting to, and stood up. The two nurses began wheeling his bed towards the door, so I left the room to give them space. When they wheeled Taylor out, I patted his knee and gave him the best smile I could, and I stood there in that hospital hallway and watched them roll him away. 

 

-

 

In the months after I confronted Taylor in his bed and we’d had sex for the first time, Taylor, to my disappointment, did not stop seeing Natalie. Instead, he was seeing both of us. He’d spend long nights out with her, coming home later, sometimes smelling of alcohol, sometimes of cigarettes, and he’d crawl into my bed and we’d kiss, and touch, and have sex. As time went on, I felt more and more like I wanted more from him, more of him, but I never wanted to say anything. My confrontation of him was brave on my part, and not usually in my nature. Taylor could get away with murder with me, and I’d sit by him and say nothing. It was always that way. 

Six months into Taylor seeing Natalie he’d brought her home to meet our parents for the first time. She was a cute little thing, southern and polite and soft spoken. Her cheeks were a little red the whole time she was here, her eyes practically shone. I almost felt bad that I was having sex with her boyfriend almost nightly, but he was mine first.

“So, Zac,” she smiled across the dining room table at me over an apple pie that my mother had slaved over earlier in the day. Always had to make an impression, that Diana Hanson. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

“Nope,” I put my fork down and leaned back in my chair. 

“That’s a shame,” she winked. “You’re too cute to not have a girlfriend.”

“I’m not really looking, kinda hung up on someone, I guess.” I shot a look over at Taylor, just quick enough that only he’d notice.

“Aw,” she put a hand up to her chest. She was annoyingly adorable.

Mom started clearing the plates when Natalie looked over at me again.

“I have a friend, Kate.”

“Oh, yeah?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, she’s great!” Natalie beamed. “I think you’d like her. We should double date!”

“Maybe we should,” I grinned. “What do you think, Tay?”

“Uh-“ Taylor looked from Natalie to me. “I- I guess, yeah.”

“Do you have a problem with that?” I crossed my arms over my chest, extending my leg across the underside of the table, stepping lightly on his toe.

“No-“ he crossed his own arms. “Why would I have a problem with that?”

“I dunno,” I shrugged, taking my leg back and scooting my chair backwards so I could stand up. “Just making sure.”

“So you will?” Natalie smiled up at me.

“Sure, yeah.” I shrugged again. “Sounds fun.”

“Yay!” She actually said ‘yay!’

“Well, it was great meeting you, Natalie,” I smiled at her. “But, I’m going to go hide in my cave now.”

“It was great meeting you, too. I can’t wait for our double date, you’re just going to love Kate!”

“Great,” I grinned, tossing Taylor a look.

I walked out of the dining room and up the stairs to my bedroom. The last thing I wanted to spend any time doing was going on a double date with Taylor and his perky, perfect, pretty girlfriend, but I was going to, because I knew it would annoy Taylor, and right then, I really wanted to annoy Taylor. Nothing sounded more fun. 

I was in my room for no more than a minute and a half, my back to the door, going through my drawer to find a change of clothes, before I heard the door slam behind me. I turned to find Taylor standing there, his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes squinted.

“What?” I shut the drawer and leaned up against the dresser.

“You can’t go out with Kate.”

“Why can’t I?”

“Because,” he looked around the room and then dropped his arms to his sides, shrugging. “You just can’t.”

“Right,” I chuckled. “Well, I’m going to.”

“You wont like her.”

“Why not?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Well, for one, she’s too skinny.”

“Too skinny?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” I laughed, moving to sit down on my bed. “What else?”

“She never talks.”

“So, she’s a mute?”

“No, just quiet.”

“Okay,” I said again. “And?”

He sighed and walked over towards the bed, stopping in front of me and looking down at me.

“I don’t want you to.”

“Huh, weird. I wouldn’t know that feeling.”

“Zac,” Taylor groaned, sitting down next to me on the edge of the bed.

“What?”

“Just tell Natalie you changed your mind. I don’t want to do this.”

“Too bad, I deserve to have a little fun, too.”

He frowned, moving a stray piece of hair out of my face.

“Come on.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to watch you go on a date with someone.”

“Yeah, well. Me either, but here we are.”

It was quiet then. The two of us looking each other down, neither one of us wanting to be the first to break. Typical Taylor, thinking he could have his cake and eat it too, yet I’d have to sit here with no cake for the rest of time. No way, I like cake, too. 

“Okay,” he sighed. “We’ll do it.”

“Good,” I nodded.

“But you can’t do this with her,” He reached his hand up, curling his fingers around the back of my neck. He pulled my face towards him and kissed me, soft and slow and hot. He bit down on my bottom lip, just this side of not too hard, before pulling away.

He rested his forehead on mine, his eyes closed. I wondered what he was thinking, but I wasn’t going to ask. He could suffer in this a little bit, just like I had been for months. He could feel what it felt like to be me for once. 

“Tay?” I spoke softly.

“Yeah?” He moved his head back, looking at me.

“You should probably get back to your girlfriend.” I stood up and tapped him on the knee before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door.


	7. Chapter 7

Natalie and I walked back to Taylor’s room in silence. I lowered myself into my chair and she sat on the bed next to me. I’d never been this nervous in my entire life. Every hair on my body was standing on end, my head was throbbing as if it were preparing my brain to hear terrible news. 

“He’ll be okay, Zac.” Natalie nudged my knee with her boot clad foot. 

“Yeah,” I looked up at her and gave her a half smile. “He will.”

COPS was still playing on the TV on the wall across from the bed, and I was seriously considering writing a strongly worded letter to the network telling them they were overdoing it. On this episode, a guy who apparently thought it was a great idea to shove three bags of cocaine somewhere they should never be shoved was running down a dark street with four cops trailing close behind him. Oh, look, they’ve tackled him. What an idiot.

“You don’t have to stay with me, Nat,” I rubbed a hand over my face. “They said three hours minimum, you must have things to do.”

“I’m free for the day, I’m here with you.”

“Okay,” as much as you’d think having my boyfriends ex-wife be the person who was there to comfort me would be awkward and terrible, it was anything but. Natalie had always been good to me, even in the worst of times for the three of us, she’d been a rock of a person. She was family, and she’d always be family. 

“What do you need?” She stood off the bed and stretched her arms above her head. “I’m at your service. Food, coffee, water?”

“I am hungry,” I stood up wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into me. “Thank you, Nat, seriously.”

“Always, you know that.”

“I know,” I stepped back, smiling at her. “Come on, let’s go get something to eat. My treat. The food here’s great.”

She laughed, walking with me to the door.

“I bet.”

In the hallway a nurse stopped me, holding her hand out, Taylor’s phone in it.

“Doctor Jacobs said to give this to you when I saw you.”

“Oh,” I had almost forgotten about the phone. “Thanks.”

 

We sat down at a table by the wall, Natalie with a salad and a Coke, me with the non-breakfast type of burrito and a Coke. Natalie moved her fork around her plate, moving tomatoes and lettuce about, never bringing it to her mouth. I set my burrito down after a bite, deciding I didn’t really want to eat after all, and dug Taylor’s phone out of my pocket. I tried to turn it on, but it was dead, clearly having just sat there for the last six days. 

“I’ve been asking them for this since the day he got here,” I placed it on the table between us. “They didn’t want to give it to me.”

“Huh,” Natalie looked down at the phone, her face screwed up.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she shook her head, looking up at me. “I wonder why they didn’t want you to have it.”

“Something about policy,” I shrugged. 

“Well, you have it now.”

“Yeah.”

Natalie finally took a bite of her salad and made a face, pushing it away.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Me either.”

 

 

When we got back to the room, we both sat in Taylor’s bed, side by side. I’d plugged the phone into my charger on the bedside table and I kept looking over at it, wondering if I should go through it. The plan was always to get it and see who he was texting, where he had gone. I couldn’t stop wondering where he had gone that night, but it honestly felt like a violation of his privacy to go through his phone while he was having his head sawed into. We’d never been those people, going through each others things, trying to catch each other in lies. We changed the channel and got COPS out of our lives and we were watching some mindless drivel about rich women who lived in New York City. They all had too much work done to their faces and their problems were pretty trivial, but if you asked them, they were world ending. Natalie laughed here and there, I kind of just sat there and wondered when we, as a country, would stop making stupid people famous. 

I must have drifted off at some point sitting there with Natalie, and she must have too, because the next thing I remember is hearing the door shut, and when I opened my eyes the last person I ever wanted to see was standing at the end of the bed, looking at us with a look on their face that fell between a mix of sadness and confusion. 

“Mom,” I sat up, running a hand through my hair.

“Zac,” Her face was pinched, her cheeks were a little red. Her hair was just as long as it had always been, flowing down past her waist. 

“What’re you doing here?” I felt Natalie stir beside me and then she sat up, too, looking between me and my mother.

“Did you think I wouldn’t come?”

“I thought you wouldn’t know,” I moved my legs off the side of the bed and stood up. “How do you know?”

“Zoe told me, I could tell she was hiding something, she’s never been a good liar.”

“You could have called.”

“I don’t have your number.”

We stared at each other. It had been over three years since we’d seen each other. She hadn’t changed, but I had. I could see her taking in the differences in me, the change in my hair, the drop in weight. Her eyes were beginning to well up and I shook my head, I wouldn’t feel sorry for her. I wouldn’t feel anything.

“Well, that’s on you, isn’t it?” I walked over to the door and opened it, motioning with my arm into the hallway. “Can you leave?”

“I’m not leaving, Zachary.”

“You should. We don’t want you here.”

“I, um-“ Natalie stood up from the bed and walked over to me. “I think I’m going to- uh- get a coffee. Do you want anything?”

“No,” I shook my head. “You don’t have to leave.”

“I know, but I’m going to.”

She patted me on the shoulder and left, throwing me a sad look over her shoulder. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be watching the kids?”

“Your father is home.”

“Maybe you should be there with him.”

“Zac, can you just come sit down? Can we talk?” She sighed, motioning towards the bed.

“You want to talk now? Three years and you want to talk now?”

“We’ve all made mistakes.”

I squinted my eyes and shook my head, pushing the door shut. 

“Fine,” I walked past her and sat down on the edge of the bed, waving my hand towards my empty chair. She didn’t deserve to sit in my chair. She didn’t deserve to be here.

She sat down, placing her hand bag on the floor next to the chair. We looked each other over for a few seconds. Her face was washed with words she’d been wanting to say to me for years, but was never given the chance to. She didn’t even know where I lived, she didn’t know anything.

“Where is Taylor, anyway?”

“He’s in surgery. His brain is bleeding.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“How long has he been gone?”

“I don’t know, two hours? What do you want, Mom?”

“I just want to talk. I want to know my boys are alright.”

I rolled my eyes. 

“So, we’re dead to you until one of us is actually almost dead, and suddenly we’re your boys again and you just need to know we’re okay?”

“Zachary,”

“Zac, my name is Zac.” I held my hand out. “Don’t give me some sob story, don’t give me any convoluted explanation. You dropped us because you didn’t understand us, you don’t have the right to be here. You don’t have the right to know if we’re okay.”

“I’m still your mother.”

“You gave that title up three years ago when you decided that we made you too sick to look at.”

“I needed time, Zac.” She leaned back in my chair, her eyes trained on mine.

“Three years is an awful lot of time.”

“How was I supposed to get in touch with you?”

“Taylor still lives in the same house. Natalie knew where we were. Isaac knew where we were.”

“And you would have spoken to me, if I’d shown up?”

“Probably not.” 

“That’s what I thought.”

We said nothing. She was right. We would have turned her away. We had decided a long time ago that we wanted nothing to do with them. It was easier for me, the minute they told us we were disgusting and they couldn’t believe they’d raised people ‘like us’ I had made up my mind. Taylor took it harder, it took him longer, but he’d gotten there. We had almost no desire to reconnect with our parents, I still didn’t. 

“Look, Mom,” I stood from the bed and looked down on her. “Just because something bad happened doesn’t mean it erases the last three years. It doesn’t mean that it erases everything you and Dad said. Just because Taylor is in surgery doesn’t mean we want anything to do with you.”

“Zac,” she stood, matching my stance. “I’m your Mother.”

“Not anymore.”

We both turned our heads when a knock on the door startled us. Doctor Jacobs walked into the room smiling.

“Good news!” She walked to me and patted me on the arm, she then turned to my mother. “Hello, I’m Doctor Jacobs, Taylor’s surgeon.”

“Diana, his mother.”

“Oh!” Doctor Jacobs face lit up. She turned to me. “You took my advice!”

“No,” I crossed my arms. “I didn’t.”

“Oh,” she said again, her face falling a little. She turned back to my mom, her smile returning. “It’s so good to meet you, you’re here in time for the good news.” She looked back at me. “Surgery was a success, we stopped the bleeding. Taylor looks great, he’ll be waking up any time now. He’s going to be in recovery for a little bit before anyone can see him, but all things considered, everything went smoothly and according to plan.”

“Thank God,” I let out a breath. 

“I’ll let you know when you can see him,” Doctor Jacobs smiled again. “It shouldn’t be too long. Why don’t you go grab a cup of coffee with your mom?”

“No thanks,” I leaned back so I was half sitting on the bed. “I think I’ll just wait here. 

My mom made a small face and then smiled at the doctor.

“Thank you for taking care of my boys.”

“Anytime, that’s my job.”

“Right,” I cleared my throat. “We’re not out of the woods though, right?”

“Unfortunately not. All of the things I told you before still stand, but it’s positive that things went so well today. We’re doing good, Zac.” She smiled, patting my arm again.

“Your son is a strong man,” she looked at my mom. “Both of them.”

“Yes,” Mom nodded. “They always have been.”

“We’ll just bring him back here when he’s awake and ready,” Doctor Jacobs walked towards the door. “It shouldn’t be long.”

“Thanks, Doc.”

“You’re welcome, Zachary.” She winked at me. That damned woman.

 

My Mother and I stood in the room in silence once Doctor Jacobs left. I didn’t have too much more to say to her, and it seemed like she was unsure of what to say to me. 

Thank God for Natalie, who breezed back into the room just when the silence was growing truly uncomfortable. 

“How are we doing?” She held a coffee cup out to me, which I took, and then held another out to my Mom. She laid a bag on the table, “pastries,” she said.

“Could be better,” I said. “Taylor’s out of surgery. It went well. They’ll bring him back here soon.”

“Good!” Natalie beamed. “I knew he’d do great.”

I smiled at her and then turned to my Mom.

“You need to be gone before he gets back here.”

“What?”

“You need to leave. Now isn’t the time. He’s fragile, he just had his head cut into. You can’t be here when he gets back.”

“Zac,” Natalie’s voice was low.

“No, Nat.”

“Zac, Taylor doesn’t remember, remember?”

I turned to her and frowned. She was right. He’d asked why our parents weren’t here. He didn’t know that he didn’t want them around. 

I sighed, sitting down in my chair. I looked up at my Mother, shaking my head slowly.

“Five minutes. You can see him for five minutes, and then I want you to leave. I want you to not say anything about not seeing us, or the situation. If you do, I swear to you, you’ll never see us again.”

 

-

 

I was actually a little bit nervous. 

I didn’t expect to be nervous, and I certainly didn’t expect to like Kate, but I found myself bopping from one foot to the other, standing in the stupidly large foyer of Natalie’s house in Georgia, waiting for the two girls to make their way down the stupid elaborate staircase, landing where we were standing on the black and white marble floor. Were we in Gone With the Wind? I’d never been in a house like this before. 

From what I understood it was just Natalie, her parents and her brother living here, in this giant mini-mansion. I had six siblings and two parents and my house wasn’t even a fraction of the size of this one. It struck me as a lot of wasted space, but what do I know?

Taylor and I had flown into Georgia that morning, getting a room at a pretty fancy hotel in Downtown Atlanta. The room had two beds, but when we’d walked in, we both tossed our bags down on the one near the window. I don’t even know why we paid for the extra bed, honestly.

Natalie’s Mom, a cute little woman named Pam, whisked into the foyer, bringing Taylor and I each an iced tea. Southern women, adorable. 

“So Zac, how old are you?” Pam smiled up at me.

“I’ll be sixteen soon, ma’am.”

“Sixteen, I remember the days.”

We all smiled, before Pam turned on one foot. 

“I’ll leave you two to wait, these girls, they can take forever.” She walked back out of the foyer and Taylor and I stood there, looking at the empty staircase.

“I still don’t know why we’re doing this,” Taylor looked over at me, talking quietly.

“It was your girlfriends idea.”

“Right,” Taylor rolled his eyes. “And you went right along with it.”

“Of course I did, I want my brothers girlfriend to like me, don’t I?” I stressed the word brother, and he winced a little.

“You’re a real asshole, you know that?”

“Yup,” I shrugged, looking back at the stairs as Natalie and Kate started walking down them, laughing between each other.

Taylor was right, Kate was too skinny, but she was cute, in an innocent Southern girl kind of way. When she looked over from Natalie our eyes met and I smiled, she smiled back.

When the girls reached where we were standing, Natalie beamed up at me.

“Zac, this is Kate, Kate, Zac!”

“Hi,” Kate said quietly, her cheeks turning a little bit red.

“Hey,” I grinned, leaning in to hug her. I heard Taylor clear his throat lightly from beside me.

“You look nice,” Taylor said to Natalie, bending down to peck her quickly on the lips.

“So do y’all” She smiled, looking between us.

“Are we ready to head out?” Taylor asked.

“I think so,” Natalie smiled. “Let me just go tell Mom.”

Natalie left the room the same way Pam had, leaving the three of us alone in the foyer. Taylor looked from me to Kate and then back to me.

“You two don’t look right together,” He shook his head and walked to the door, pulling it open. “Tell Natalie I’m in the car.”

 

The drive to the restaurant was quiet and tense. Every time Natalie tried to start conversation, Taylor would shut her down with a one word answer, sometimes just a grunt. She turned her head to look back at me a few times, a look on her face asking me what his problem was. Every time, I just shrugged. She could figure it out, he was her problem. 

I looked over at Kate, she was sitting quietly, her hands folded in her lap. She was wearing a blue dress that was a little too loose on her, a little too short. She’d obviously borrowed it out of Natalie’s closet. She was nervous, it was radiating off of her. Maybe she’d never been on a date before, but then, I hadn’t really either. I felt like I’d been in a relationship for more than two years, but thinking on it, I’d never been on a proper date. Maybe I should be nervous too.

When we got to the restaurant we sat at a small circle table, Taylor next to me, Kate on my other side, Natalie between Kate and Taylor. The lights were too low, the food was too expensive. I wasn’t sure why we had to go to a place like this. Was a girl who couldn’t be satisfied with a trip to Sonic really worth Taylor’s time? I’d always be fine with Sonic.

There was a lot of uncomfortable talk about the girls growing up in Georgia, how they’d never really been out of the state too much. How Natalie and Kate had been best friends since elementary school, and they did everything together. I guess bagging two brothers was the cap off to a life spent doing everything with each other. 

“So, Zac,” Natalie smiled over at me. “Are you having fun?”

“Sure,” I shrugged. 

“Kate?” Natalie turned her gaze to her friend.

“Oh,” Kate sat up a little straighter, clearly uncomfortable. “Yeah.”

I looked over at her and smiled, I was starting to feel bad about how wound up she seemed to be. I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable or unhappy. Going out with her to stick it to Taylor was wrong of me, and I felt guilty. I reached my hand over and put it on her arm.

“You look really nice.”

“Thank you,” she smiled at me, her shoulders falling a little bit. Compliment a girl, it’ll make them feel better. I’d remember that.

“You look nice, too.” Taylor said to Natalie, a little louder than he needed to.

“Thanks, babe,” Natalie beamed at him. It apparently didn’t take too much to throw her into an excited state.

We ordered dessert, two of them, Taylor sharing with Natalie and me sharing with Kate. Kate loosened up bit by bit as the minutes went on, and by the time we were done with dessert and were waiting to pay, she was laughing and leaning in when I spoke. She was pretty when she unwound, little crinkles forming around her eyes when she laughed. She had a habit of throwing her hand up to her chest when she found something really funny. I could spend time with her and not hate every second of it. Maybe I would. 

We drove the girls home with a promise of picking them back up early in the morning for a day out in Atlanta. When we reached Natalie’s sprawling driveway, Taylor pulled all the way up to the door and we all got out, walking towards the steps to the house.

“I had fun,” I smiled, standing in front of Kate.

“Me too,” she blushed a little bit, looking from my eyes to her feet.

“See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,’ she looked back up at me, a small smile on her face.

Screw it.

I put my hand on her back and leaned down, kissing her lightly. She stiffened for a moment, but her hand landed on my arm and she kissed me back. When we pulled apart I smiled at her again.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she smiled.

I turned and walked back to the car, waving a small goodbye at Natalie. I got in and grinned. Two could play Taylor’s game.


	8. Chapter 8

The three of us were sitting in absolute silence. You could hear a pin drop in the hospital room. Natalie was in the chair by the window, I was perched on the edge of the bed, and my Mom was in my chair. We were all looking in different directions, busying ourselves with playing with stray fibers on our shirts, or messing with our hair. 

My Mom let out a sigh and turned her head towards me after what felt like thirty hours of the three of us avoiding words.

“Zac,” she leaned forward in her chair. “We should talk about this.”

“No,” I shook my head, looking up at the ceiling. 

“You just want to sit here and deal with this elephant in the room?”

“There’s no elephant in the room, Mom. There’s only you, and me and Natalie.”

“And the weight of our past mistakes.”

I stood up off of the bed and stood over her.

“No, the weight of _your_ past mistakes. We didn’t make any mistakes here. The only thing we did was own up to our shit, admit that we were in love with each other. You couldn’t handle that, and you tossed us out with the trash. You’ve made mistakes, and now you want everyone to bend to forgive you for those mistakes because something happened to Taylor, and I’m not into it. I’m not into you.” I crossed my arms and squinted my eyes. “I’m not into this.”

I walked to the door, turning my head to look at Natalie.

“I’m going to get a drink, do you want anything?”

“I’m okay,” she frowned. “Do you want company?”

“No,” I shook my head again, walking into the hallway and shutting the door behind me. I leaned on the closed door and pinched the bridge of my nose. 

She was going to bring me to the edge. I’d barely been holding it together up until this point, and her being here was only making it harder for me to keep my feet on the ledge. 

I closed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them I’d be standing in my bedroom at home, Taylor would be there, and everything would be the way it had been a week ago. My Mom would be at her own house, far away from us, pretending that two of her sons don’t exist, we’d be together, living the life we were meant to live. 

“Zac,” I heard his voice before my brain recognized the sound of the wheelchair tires on the tile. I looked up and there he was, Taylor- my Taylor- his head bandaged, his eyes heavy and exhausted, but he was alive, and he was mine.

He was smiling, a sleepy smile, his eyes crinkling slightly. Did he remember? Was he back?

“Hey,” I smiled, rushing over to him. I bent down and wrapped him in a loose hug. “You made it.”

“I made it,” he smiled again when I pulled back.

“How do you feel?”

“Alive,” he shrugged.

“Good, that’s how we like you.”

“Where’s Nat?” He looked past me down the hallway.

“She’s in your room…” I looked at the door and then back to him. “With Mom.”

“Mom came,” he smiled again. 

“Yeah, Mom came. She can’t stay long, I think she said she has about five minutes.”

I pushed the door to his room open and the nurse who was wheeling him pushing him in behind me. Mom and Natalie both stood up, my Mom’s eyes lighting up.

“Taylor,” she walked over to him, bending to lay a kiss on the top of his head.

“Mom,” Taylor smiled, reaching his arms out to hug her. I watched this play out with a sick feeling in my stomach. Taylor didn’t remember all she’d put us through. Taylor didn’t remember that he hated her. 

“I’ll leave you guys to it,” the nurse smiled at us as she wheeled Taylor a little further into the room, leaving his wheelchair next to my chair. “But, I’ll be back in about a half an hour to help you back into bed. You need some rest.”

“Okay,” Taylor grinned up at her. “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” she smiled around the room and then let herself out. 

“How are you feeling, Tay?” My mom asked, sitting back down in my chair. It was my chair and I was tired of sharing it. Now that Taylor was next to it, I wanted it for myself. 

“I’m good, I’m glad you came.”

“Me too,” Mom looked from Taylor to me and back to him, smiling. 

“She can’t stay though, she has the kids. She only has five minutes, right Mom?” I crossed my arms over my chest and leveled my eyes with hers.

“Zac’s right. Your little ones keep your Dad on his toes, I can’t leave them alone with him for too long.” She grinned.

“I’m going to head out too,” Natalie stood up and walked over, standing in between Taylor and our Mother. “I just wanted to make sure you came back to us all in one piece.”

“Thanks, Nat,” Taylor smiled up at her.

“Always,” she leaned down and hugged him, kissing him on the cheek. “You know I’m always here for you guys.”

She stood up and walked to me, placing her hand on my arm.

“If you need anything, at any time, it doesn’t matter. You just call me.”

“You really are the best, Natalie.” I wrapped my arms around her. 

“It’s nothing,” she hugged me back and then looked over at my Mom. “I’ll meet you at the house, Diana.”

“Why don’t you just go home and get some rest,” my Mom said. “I’ll keep the kids tonight.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, maybe I’ll bring them to see their Daddy tomorrow.”

“I don’t know if that such a-“ I started.

“That sounds awesome!” Taylor exclaimed. “I miss them.”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“We’ll talk about it after,” Natalie said, walking to the door. “Call me if you need anything.”

 

As promised, my Mom left five minutes later. We talked about nothing at all while she was there, meaningless, empty words about the weather and how she just knew that Taylor would pull through this, come out better than he was before. 

Once she was gone, I took my rightful spot in my chair, next to Taylor. He looked over at me and frowned.

“What?”

“You just must be really tired, you’ve been with me the whole time.”

“I’m fine,” I grinned. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

“You’re always there for me,” Taylor reached over and wrapped his fingers around my wrist. “You’re a better man than me.”

“No,” I shook my head. “Not even on my best day.”

He took his hand away and leaned back in his chair a little bit. 

“Tell me,”

“Tell you what?”

He looked at me again, his face sad. 

“Everything, I want to know everything.”

 

-

 

For the next two months Taylor, Natalie, Kate and I were a little Motley Crew. Every weekend they’d either fly to Tulsa, or we’d fly into Georgia, and we’d spend three days together doing things couples do when they double date. 

I wasn’t sure I wanted to admit it, but I was growing to really like Kate. She was nice, she was the quiet kind of funny where if you didn’t pay attention you just might miss it, but when you caught it, it brought a good laugh. She liked me a lot, I’m still not sure exactly why. When we’d pick the girls up at the airport, she’d fall behind as Natalie sprinted into Taylor’s waiting arms, and once she’d make it to me, she’d stop walking and stand in front of me, a smile on her face. She’d say “hey,” and I’d lean in and hug her and she’d wrap her long arms around me and squeeze me tight, whispering an, “I missed you,” in my ear. She was muted and demure in all of the things that she did, and it was slightly intriguing. 

On this particular weekend, Natalie and Kate were flying into Tulsa and Taylor couldn’t make it to the airport to pick them up, so it was just me on the journey. I got into my parents old, beat up Volvo and made the drive, blasting Led Zeppelin with the windows down. There was something about driving on the highway on a nice day, windows down, music up, that just made you feel alive.

When I got into the baggage claim area the girls were already standing there, watching the bags start to come onto the belt. I walked up behind them and tapped them each on the shoulder. Kate turned and her face lit up.

“Hey,” 

“Hey,” I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her in.

“I missed you,” she whispered, same as always.

“Me too,” I pulled back and grinned.

“I missed you too, you know!” Natalie laughed, throwing herself at me and wrapping me in a hug. I guess we were on that level now. I couldn’t help it, I smiled. I really liked Natalie, and under different circumstances, I’d be thrilled to have her be my brothers girlfriend.

“How was the flight?” 

“It was okay,” Kate said. “We had some turbulence.”

“Oh, that can be scary,” I grinned.

“Yeah,” she grinned back.

“Oh, there are our bags!” Natalie pointed at two pink suitcases coming around the belt.

“I got them,” I stepped towards the conveyor and reached out, plucking each bag off of it. “This way, ladies.”

I lead them outside to the idling car and popped the trunk, throwing the bags inside of it. Once we settled down into the car, me driving, Kate next to me and Natalie perched on the middle seat in the back, I maneuvered my way out of the airport lot and onto the highway. 

“How was your week?” Natalie asked from the backseat.

“It was decent, we just did some work at the office.”

“Can we see the office this time?” Kate turned her head, smiling at me. We’d. Been telling them for weeks that one of these times we’d give them a tour of our little office slash studio we kept Downtown. Kate seemed thrilled by the prospects of seeing the inner workings of a band, albeit a small, local band that most people hadn’t heard of in years. 

“Sure,” I smiled back at her. “I’ll bring you there tonight.”

“Awesome,” she nodded, looking back out at the road and smiling. 

We made small talk about the weather in Georgia that week, some fight Natalie’s parents had had about letting their daughter galavant in another state with ‘two boys we know nothing about.’

When we finally pulled into my parents driveway, Taylor was sitting on the porch smoking a clove cigarette, a habit my parents weren’t all too thrilled with. A habit, if I was honest, I wasn’t all too thrilled with. He pushed himself slowly to his feet, tossing the butt on the ground and stomping it out with the toe of his boot. We all stood out of the car, me popping the trunk, as he made it to Natalie, swooping his arm around her waist and kissing her, quite a bit more - passionately - than I’d see him do in the past.

“Have you been drinking?” She giggled, pushing his chest with a small hand.

“Maybe a little,” he grinned, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

“Why?” I looked at him from the other side of the car.

“Because I’m an adult and I can do what I want,” he rolled his eyes at me.

“Right, an adult,” I rolled my eyes back, walking to the back of the car and lifting the suitcases out. “Well, Mr. Big Adult, come get your girlfriends luggage.”

We pulled the suitcases into the house, followed by the girls, and made our way to the basement stairs, leading to the furnished room where Natalie and Kate would be staying.

“Watch your step,” I called over my shoulder as I flipped the light switch on and walked down the stairs. 

We set them up with pillows and blankets on the air mattresses Taylor and I had blown up for them the night before. Every time I’d look over at him he’d throw me a dirty look or roll his eyes. I wasn’t sure what had crawled up his ass and died, but I was getting a little bit sick of it. 

“All done,” I’d said, brushing my hands together and smiling at Natalie and Kate once we’d finished. 

“It looks great, just like home,” Natalie smiled, putting her arm around Taylor’s waist and leaning her head on his chest. They looked so cute I could almost puke. 

“Yeah, you did a good job,” Kate smiling, reaching her hand out and tangling her fingers with mine.

“Thanks,” I smiled at her. “It was nothing.”

“I think we should freshen up and then you should take us out on the town,” Kate tilted her head, grinning at me.

“Deal,” I nodded, squeezing her hand.

“Awesome,” she went to let go of my hand and then she looked at me, re-tangling her fingers with mine and pulling me closer to her. She, for the first time since we’d began seeing each other, laid her lips on mine and kissed me first. I smiled into her mouth, running my hand over her lower back, my other still holding hers. Natalie giggled a little in the background and I heard her whisper to Taylor, ‘see, I told you they’d fit together.’

We split up when I heard Taylor stomping up the stairs. I shrugged at the girls and told them to meet us in the kitchen when they were ready to go and did what I always do, what I do best. I followed after Taylor.

I couldn’t find him in the kitchen, or the living room, and then I heard the water running in the bathroom so I knocked on the door. Silence.

“Tay,” I said through the wood.

“What?”

“Open the door.”

“No.”

“Come on, what’s wrong?”

“Go away, Zac.”

I tapped my fingertips on the door in a rhythm.

“Nope.”

He muttered something I couldn’t make out and then I heard the lock unlatch. I pushed the door open and stepped in, closing it behind me. He was leaning against the sink, one leg crossed over the other, looking at his feet.

“What’s wrong?” I walked to him and stood in front of him.

“Nothing,” He didn’t move a muscle.

“Tell me,” I poked his chest lightly.

“It’s just hard,” he shrugged, his eyes trained on his feet as if he’d never seen them before.

“What’s hard?”

“Seeing that,” he waved an arm towards the door. “Seeing you like that.”

“With Kate?”

He nodded, still not looking at me. I took another step towards him, my hand resting on his hip.

“Do you want me to stop seeing her?”

His head moved up, his blue eyes landing on mine. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were glassy, like he could be at any moment. Like he was stopping himself.

“Would you?”

“I don’t know,” I said, stepping even closer to him. My feet were on either side of his crossed ones, our thighs were touching.

“You don’t know?”

“Will you stop seeing Natalie?”

He sighed, running a hand over his hair.

“You won't.”

“I like her,” his voice was hitched.

“Do you like me?”

He nodded once, looking back down, his eyes landing on our legs, his sloped from his leaning on the counter, mine surrounding his. 

“How much?”

“What?” He shook his head, not looking up. I pushed closer to him, our faces an inch apart.

“Do you like me enough for it to just be me?”

“Zac,” he said low.

I put my other hand on the other side of his hip, pulling them towards me so our whole bodies were touching. 

“I like Kate,” I said, I could feel his breath on my mouth. “But, I like you more. Do you like me more?”

“Yes.”

I leaned in that inch and I kissed him, hard and fast. My hands moved from his hips to around his waist, pulling him into me. I felt him let out a breath when our hips ground against each other.

“So let's get rid of them,” I said into his mouth. “Let’s just be us.”

“Zac, I can’t,”

I put my hands on the edge of the sink and leaned back from him a bit so that I could look at him.

“Why can’t you?”

“Zac-“ he bit his lip and looked down, his eyes resting somewhere between my legs and his. “I love her.”

“You-“ I pushed myself off the sink, standing up. I backed up a couple of feet, suddenly it felt like he’d burnt me and I needed to get away from him. “What?”

He looked up at me, his eyes sad. He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.

“I love her.”

I opened my mouth, then closed it, then did the same thing again. I wanted to say things, I wanted to yell, to scream, maybe hit him. But, I couldn’t figure out the right words, and my body was frozen to the spot. 

“I’m sorry,” he stepped towards me.

“No,” I shook my head. “No.”

“Zac,” he put a hand on my shoulder and I slapped it off, turning for the door.

“No.”

I yanked the door open to find Natalie standing on the other side of it, her hand lifted as if she were just about to knock.

“Zac-“ She was startled, and then she looked past me and saw Taylor, her face scrunching up, she was confused.

“Zac,” Taylor called after me, I walked past Natalie towards the front door. “Zac!”

“No, Taylor,” I shouted over my shoulder as I pulled the door open. 

This wasn’t a part of the plan. This wasn’t a part of my plan for us.


	9. Chapter 9

I didn’t know how to tell Taylor anything, never mind everything. I didn’t know how to remind him that him and I were together, that we’d fought and clawed and lost nearly everything we’d ever known to live a life with each other that we truly appreciated every day. Don’t get me wrong, we had our moments, all couples do. We aren’t perfect, we never have been and we likely never would be, but we were close. I loved him with a fire that burnt so hot and so bright that I wasn’t even really sure how to put words to it. I had loved him nearly every day of my entire life thus far, and him not remembering that he’d loved me back shot a pain through my chest that was indescribable. How do you convince the man that loves you that he loves you? How do you tell him that the reason his marriage ended, the reason things were different, was because you were living a life of sin together? I didn’t know how right then, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever figure it out. 

“Tay,” I leaned over and touched his knee. “I don’t want to overwhelm you.”

“You won’t,” he shook his head. “I can’t keep not knowing.”

“You just went through brain surgery.”

“So, my brain is fresh and new, then.” He grinned. “Come on, Zac.”

“I don’t know,” I shook my head, squeezing his knee. 

He put his hand on top of mine and stared into my eyes. Taylor had this way about him, where when he looked into your eyes, really looked, it was almost like he was digging them into your soul, pulling all of your secrets out of you. 

“Please, Zac,” he leaned forward a little bit. “Please.”

“Okay,” I sighed. “What do you want to know?”

“I want to know everything. I feel like I have this whole life that you all know about, but I have no idea about.”

“It’s going to come back to you, the doctors said it will come back.”

“But it’s not here now.”

He was right. I couldn’t imagine being in his shoes. He’s been a lot more patient than I think I’d probably have been in his shoes. I’m not sure I would have made it one whole day before I began to lose it, began to force it out of people.

“So, ask me something. I’ll answer you the best way that I can.”

“How old are my kids?”

Good. Starting off easy.

“Well, Ezra is 15. He’s got his driver's permit. Penny is 12, and she’s wreaking havoc on you by being too pretty for her own good.” I grinned. “River and Viggo are 11 and 9 and wild and crazy. And Willa is 5, and she’s your clear favorite.”

“I do not have a favorite child,” Taylor laughed.

“You always say that, but trust me, you do.” I grinned again. Willa was the light of Taylor’s life. She’s the baby, and the biggest diva of the family. She kept us on our toes at all times, but she was amazing, and whether they wanted to admit it or not, she was both Taylor and Natalie’s favorite. 

“How did they do with the divorce?”

“Okay. Ezra had the toughest time with it, but he came around. Penny took it a little bit hard, but she was okay after a while. The others were really too young, they adapted quickly.”

“And I’m still close to them?”

“Of course,” Taylor was an amazing Dad. He loved all of those kids, and they knew it. 

“Good.”

“You said I was dating someone?” 

“You are,” I nodded.

“Who is she?” He tilted his head. It must be weird to know that you’re dating someone, but not know who.

“Well,” I looked at the window across from us, and then back to him. “The thing is, the person that you’re dating-“ What was I getting myself into? “they’re, um. They’re not a she.”

“What?” He squinted his eyes at me. “What do you mean?”

“The person you’re dating is a man.”

“A man?” He shook his head. “I’m not gay.”

“Yeah, well,” I shrugged. “It happens?”

“It happens that a happily married man is suddenly gay and dating a guy?”

“I mean, I don’t know how often it happens, but it happened to you, so.” I shrugged, not being able to stop the grin that was taking over my face. 

“Wild,” he shook his head. “Who is he, then?”

“I’m going to leave that one for later,” I said. 

“Why?”

“I just think it’s best we leave it for later.”

“So, I’m dating this guy, who I apparently divorced my wife for, and he’s not here? He hasn’t been here at all? Does he know I’m in the hospital.”

“He knows,” I said. I wasn’t sure how much further we could go into this line of questioning. “Ask me about something else.”

“You really don’t want to talk about this guy, huh?”

“Not really.”

“You don’t get along with him?”

“It’s not that.”

“I’d never date someone you didn’t get along with,” he shook his head.

I smiled, shaking my head back. I wanted to tell him so bad, to have him realize it, to have him know us the way he always had, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to make him upset, to cause him discomfort. What if this new, memory loss version of him was repulsed by us? 

“What else?” I asked, leaning back in my chair. He seemed to be in good spirits, and that put me in good spirits. 

“Why does Natalie stay around?”

“She’s family,” I shrugged. “She loves you, and me. Divorce doesn’t just end how you’ve felt about people for a long time.”

“I can’t believe we got divorced.”

“It happens.”

“It just doesn’t seem like something that would happen to us.”

I frowned as I took in his face. He seemed hurt by the divorce, which, I guess would make sense, since to him it was new. But, it shot a small pang through my chest, realizing that he was mourning the loss of his wife, while I was sitting here mourning the loss of my partner in life, at least for now. 

“So what about this person that you’re dating, tell me about them.”

“I don’t know where to start,” I grinned. I could talk about Taylor all day.

“What’s her name?”

“So, funny story,” I leaned forward in my chair, my elbows coming to rest on my knees. “Also not a her.”

“Whoa,” Taylor’s eyes went a little wide. “So, we’re both- gay?”

“I don’t know if I’d say we’re gay,” I shrugged. “I think we’re more just really into the people we’re really into.”

“Right,” Taylor nodded. “Makes sense, I think. So, what’s he like?”

I smiled. How do you say, he’s just like you without saying he’s just like you? 

“Well,” I turned my eyes up to the ceiling. “He’s kind and generous. He’s smart and really funny when he wants to be. He’s passionate and caring, he’d take the shirt off of his own back for someone else at any time, even if he didn’t know them.” I looked back at him and smiled again. “He’s the best man I’ve ever known.”

“You love him.”

“I do.”

“I want to meet him,” Taylor nodded, as if that was it, it was decided. He wanted to meet my mystery man, so he would.

“You will, Tay, as soon as you’re all better.”

 

-

 

Having Natalie in my house made my skin crawl. It wasn’t her, it was Taylor. She’d done nothing wrong, she didn’t know that he was mine, and she was stealing him. That didn’t stop me from thinking of creative ways to make her disappear forever. I felt bad, I liked Natalie, we had become friends, but she was standing in my way. I never liked it when something was in my way.

Kate found me about an hour after I’d stormed out of the house, sitting on the porch, tossing pebbles into the road. She came outside quietly, sitting down next to me on the wooden steps and placing her hand on my arm.

“You okay?”

I looked over at her, her face was washed with concern. She liked me. Why couldn’t I be normal? Why couldn’t I fall completely into this beautiful girl who seemed to be ready for me to do exactly that? Why was I the lucky one who seemed to have some disorder that made me unhappy unless I was possessing my own brother?

“Yeah.”

“You don’t look okay.”

“I’m fine, Kate, really.”

I forced a smile on my face, she didn’t deserve to be brought down because of this. She smiled back and nodded her head before scooting closer to me, winding her arm through mine and resting her head on my shoulder. 

I’d started seeing Kate as a way to stick it to Taylor, if he wanted to date other people, then I could too. But, I was starting to really like her. She was nice to me, and she seemed to really care about me. As far as I knew, she also wasn’t dating and in love with anyone but me. That was a check in the Kate column. 

“Come on, I want to show you something,” I stood up off the steps and held my hand out for her to take. 

We walked around the house and down the small path a handful of feet into the woods that surrounded out house. We stopped at the base of the old tree where my Dad had built us our old treehouse.

“My Dad built this for us,” I motioned up at it. “We used to spend a lot of time up there, me and Tay. We don’t come here so much anymore, but when I need time to be away from everyone, to think, I still come here and climb up the ladder, read my old comic books. It’s kind of my happy place.”

“That’s awesome, Zac,” she smiled, her neck turned back, looking up a the treehouse. 

“Do you want to go up?”

“Sure.”

“Come on,” I walked to the ladder and motioned for her to climb up first. “I’ll be right behind you.”

We climbed into the tree house and sat down on the pillows, so close our legs were touching, for no real reason, there was more than enough room up here.

“I like it up here, it’s quiet and I can think without a million people’s noises in the background.”

“It’s nice, feels like a little home.”

I reached over and took her hand, intertwining our fingers. I looked at our hands, they were resting on her thin thigh. If Taylor could be in love with someone else, then so could I. If Taylor could imagine a life with someone who wasn’t me, maybe I could too. Maybe all I needed was to allow myself to feel those things for someone else. 

“Kate?” I turned my head so I was looking at her. 

“Yeah?”

“Why do you like me?”

“Why?” She grinned. “You make me laugh.”

I smiled, nodding my head a little bit.

“And you’re nice to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Nothing ever said you had to be,” she shrugged. “I know you didn’t want to go out with me, I know Natalie convinced you.”

“She didn’t really, she asked, I said yes. It didn’t take too much.”

“Taylor hates that we’re seeing each other,” she scrunched up her nose.

“Forget Taylor,” I shook my head. “Forget him.”

“Why are you guys fighting?”

“We’re not.”

“Natalie said you were.”

“Don’t worry about Taylor,” I sighed. I should take my own advice.

“Okay,” she nodded once. 

We sat together in silence, me rubbing circles on her hand with my thumb. We could hear birds chirping, the occasional rustle of an animal in the trees surrounding us. I wanted this thing with Taylor to be over, I’d decided. I wanted it to go away. Why should I spend any more time being stupid over him when he didn’t even love me enough not to date someone else? I had the perfect excuse, she was sitting next to me, holding my hand, and she really liked me.

“Kate,” I turned my head to look at her.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

She smiled like I’d never seen her smile before, and she squeezed my hand in hers.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

“So, that’s a yes?” I grinned.

“It’s a yes.”

I leaned in and kissed her, soft and nothing like the way I had kissed Taylor just a little while ago. My hand found its way to the back of her neck and I pulled her into me softly. It was different, kissing Kate. She was softer and her lips were smaller. They didn’t move with as much conviction as Taylor’s, but they were my lips and no one else’s, so I could live with the difference, I think.

Her fingers moved from my hand to in my hair and she sighed against my lips. I knew I could have her, but did I want her for the right reasons? Was my want for her even about her, or was it about him?

I slowly moved us so that she was laying beneath me, and I looked down at her, her hair fanned out all around her head. 

“Is this okay?” I asked as I slid my hand beneath the hem of her skirt. Suddenly I loved that she always wore skirts.

She nodded up at me, biting her lip, a flash of him doing the same rushing through my mind.

Her legs were too soft when my hands ran over them, her panties too girly. Touching her was nothing like what I was used to. When she fumbled with the button on my jeans she was too clumsy and it took her too long, the both of us letting out a small laugh when she struggled. 

“Have you done this before?” I whispered, as the both of us pushed my jeans off, discarding them next to us on the slatted wooden floor.

She shook her head no, her cheeks turning red, but not the right shade of red.

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah.” 

I smiled and dipped my head down to kiss her. She dug her nails into my back as I pushed into her and they were too sharp, she was too wet and the sounds she was making were too feminine. I couldn’t believe that she’d allowed us to go this far this quickly, the only past I had, had showed me that this was a build up over years, that you bided your time, taking in every inch of a person slowly before you ended up here. 

When she wrapped her legs around me they were two thin, too devoid of muscle, too smooth. But, when she said my name, breathy and low, right into my ear, those familiar pangs shot through my stomach and I felt myself inch towards the end. 

Sometimes I was reminded that maybe I was a little too young to be doing these things, to be having sex with anybody, let alone more than one person, but then I’d remember that I’d never been my own age, not really. I’d grown up faster than most people, I’d never really been a real kid. 

When Kate was moving underneath me, her breath coming out in hot bursts, hitting my face, my name a word she said over and over, I felt almost nothing. My body felt it all, and it felt so good, but my heart was sad, and I couldn’t look at her anymore. When I closed my eyes and we’d reached our climax, his face was there, just like it always was.


	10. Chapter 10

When I opened my eyes, sun was streaming through the blinds on the huge windows on the other side of Taylor’s bed. I was bent over, my head laying on my arms on the edge of the bed. My neck was screaming, my back not doing much better. I’d been sleeping in this hospital room for a week now, but this was the worst I’d felt waking up here. 

I stood up and stretched, walking into the small bathroom I wasn’t supposed to use because I wasn’t a patient here, but I practically lived here now, so oh well. 

When I came back out, Taylor was awake, rubbing his eyes with his palms. He smiled when he uncovered them and saw me.

“Hey,” he said. “I thought you left.”

“Nope, still here.”

I sat back down in my chair and leaned back, trying to stretch out my back.

“How was your sleep?”

“It was sleep,” Taylor shrugged. “When can I leave here?”

“I have no idea, we’ll ask the Doctor today.”

“I just want to go home,” he said leaning his head back so he was looking up at the ceiling. “Wait, where is home?”

“You still live in the same house,” I laughed a little. “But you spend most of your time at my house, honestly.”

“Really?” He turned his head, looking at me. “Why?”

I looked at him. I had to tell him soon. I was bound to slip up, someone else was bound to say something. We couldn’t carry this charade on too much longer. I was just so, so afraid of his reaction. 

“You like my house better,” I grinned.

“Maybe we should switch then.”

“I don’t think so,” I laughed, shaking my head.

Knock. Knock.

“Morning, boys,” Doctor Jacobs always-too-cheery voice rang through the room. We both turned to look at her and smiled. I didn’t like her very much at first, but she’d slowly grown on me over the past week.

“Morning,” we both said in unison.

“Just here to check on ya, Taylor.”

She moved around the room as if she were floating, checking machines and eyeballs, ears and reflexes. 

“Looking good,” she nodded, clicking her pen shut and shoving it in her coat pocket. She closed her file and tucked it under her arm.

“Great,” Taylor said. “When can I leave?”

“I’m not sure yet, hopefully not too long. We need to monitor your brain for a little while, though.”

“Super,” Taylor said, frowning.

We all looked towards the door when we heard it open, Natalie walking in, a smile on her face, a tray with three coffees on it in her hand.

“Liquid breakfast?” She set the tray down on the bedside table, leaning down to give Taylor a kiss on the forehead and then turning and hugging me.

“My savior,” Taylor smiled. A pang shot through my chest, I knew I had no reason to be jealous, not with Natalie, but it brought back old memories. I’d had to fight for him once, I didn’t want to do it again.

“I’ll leave you crazy kids to it,” Doctor Jacobs smiled and let herself out of the room. 

Natalie walked over to me and handed me a coffee, putting a hand on my wrist.

“Go home and shower, I’ll stay here.”

“I should stay,” I shook my head.

“Zac,” Taylor spoke from the bed. We both turned to look at him. “Go home and shower, it’s okay, really.”

“Yeah?” I tilted my head.

“Yeah,” he smiled. “Go. Bring me back some clothes to change into.”

“You’re the best, Nat,” I put my arms around her and hugged her tight. “I’ll be back quick.”

I walked to Taylor and patted him on the knee.

“Anything else you want me to bring back?”

He looked up at me, like he was trying to think of something and then he smiled.

“Taco Bueno?”

“I think I’ll get in trouble if I bring that in,” I laughed.

 

 

Standing in the shower under the hot water was like stepping into Nirvana. It had only been a day since my last shower, but that day had felt like a month. It’s amazing the effect that tragedy has on time. 

What an emotionally draining week. I was sure I’d lost another ten pounds, my hair felt like it was thinning, and I wasn’t sure when the last time I’d had a good nights sleep was, but as long as Taylor was alright, I’d trade all of the pounds, hair and sleep the world had to take from me. 

I knew that I had to find a way to tell Taylor about us. I knew I couldn’t let this go on much longer. It was killing me inside to keep this secret from him, after us keeping it all those years from everyone else. At least then when I was keeping it, he was keeping it with me. I had run the scenario through my head so many times. I’d tell him and he’d light up, and suddenly he’d remember and we’d kiss, and maybe we’d cry a little bit, but he’d know, and we’d be us again, back to normal. Then in other universes, I tell him and he’s disgusted. He tells me he hates me and he never wants to see me again. He throws me out of the hospital room and tells them to never let me back in. I couldn’t live like that. 

 

I wandered around my house for a while, ruffled through the mail. I’ve never been much of a coffee drinker, but the last week had changed that, so I put on a pot and sat at the counter, waiting for it to finish. When I was getting undressed to take a shower, I pulled Taylor’s phone out of my pocket. I’d almost forgotten I had it. Sitting at the counter, I flipped it on and looked at the screen. It had been dead for a while before I charged it, but there were a bunch of missed calls and texts. They weren’t really what I was interested in, though. Who was he texting that night when he rolled the car?

I placed the phone on the counter, the text messages thumbnail taunting me. I didn’t want to be that boyfriend. The one who goes through his partners phone, but I had to know, and Taylor certainly couldn’t tell me. 

The coffee pot finishing broke me out of my thoughts and I got up, making myself a large cup. I sat back down, my hands wrapped around my mug and stared down the phone. Was I going to allow this situation to turn me into somebody that I wasn’t? Would I go that far for the sake of curiosity?

I would.

I shook my head and grabbed the phone, clicking on the green and white text messages icon. Little blue bubbles next to several missed texts showed me how many people were checking on Taylor, and messages like, ‘I hope you get better soon,’ and ‘I know you’ll pull through this,’ made me smile. Finally I scrolled down to the last texts Taylor had received, and I squinted. The first two names listed with read text messages were Natalie’s and mine.

The message preview of the last text Natalie had sent before Taylor careened into that ditch said only two words: I’m sorry.

What was she sorry for? Her texts were the ones that caused Taylor to not pay attention to the road? They were what caused all of this to happen? Why wouldn’t she have told me that she’d been speaking to him that night?

My thumb hovered over her name. I didn’t know if I wanted to know, I didn’t know if I wanted to read their private conversations. But, I also knew that if I ever wanted to find out what caused Taylor to lose control of his car that night, I had to. 

I took a large sip of my coffee, it was too hot and too bitter, but it would do. I looked up at the ceiling, asking some unknown force to forgive me, and then I looked back at the phone and tapped Natalie’s text thread with my thumb.

I scrolled to the top of the thread and started from the beginning. There were a lot of texts about the kids, activity times, after school plans, a few reminders about payments that needed to be made. All very basic co-parenting stuff, I scrolled down further and finally reached the day Taylor crashed his car. 

Taylor: You up?

Natalie: Sure am, whats up?

Taylor: Can I come by?

Natalie: Now? It’s after 11…the kids are asleep.

Taylor: I want to see you, I’m having a bad night.

Natalie: Sure, Tay. You’re always welcome here.

 

There was a break in the texts then, the time stamp on the next one reading 4:35 in the morning. 

 

Natalie: We need to talk about this Taylor

Natalie: What we did isn’t right

Natalie: We have to tell Zac

Taylor: Nat I’m driving we’ll talk tomorrow

Natalie: You shouldn’t even be driving you had too much to drink

Taylor: I’m fine we’ll talk tomorrow

Natalie: We shouldn’t have done that

Natalie: It was a moment of weakness

Natalie: Its going to hurt Zac so much

Natalie: We drank too much, this was a mistake

Natalie: I can’t believe we’d do this to him

 

I put the phone back down on the counter and stared at it. My chest was burning, my hands were shaking. They’d obviously slept together that night, that’s where he’d gone. Of all of the things I had imagined Taylor doing that night, all of the places I’d imagined him going, this wasn’t one of them. 

I was angry. I wanted to run back into that hospital room and scream at him, unleash on him. But, what was the point in that? He didn’t even remember it, he didn’t even remember that he was supposed to be mine, that he was supposed to be faithful to me. I couldn’t yell at him, but I knew what I could do.

 

-

 

A few weeks later, when Kate told me she loved me, I smiled and told her I thought she was great. I couldn’t say it back when I didn’t feel it, and I didn’t feel it at all. She pretended that it didn’t bother her, lacing her fingers with mine, and resting her head on my shoulder, but later that night I heard Taylor and Natalie whispering about it in our shared hotel room when they thought we were asleep. Kate had told Natalie that she’d thought we were on the same page, that she felt stupid for telling me when I didn’t say it back. Taylor told Natalie he thought Kate was moving a little fast, and that she shouldn’t have said it. When she asked him if he meant it when he told her he loved her, he said ‘of course I do,’ and kissed her. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, deciding right then and there that this would be the last time we shared a hotel room. 

In the morning, I woke up to an empty hotel room. A note on the dresser in curly, girly handwriting told me they’d gone down to breakfast, but didn’t want to wake me. The last thing I felt like doing at that moment was sitting around a table with the three of them, pretending that everything was fine, pretending that every time I looked at Taylor and Natalie’s clasped hands, or watched her lay her head on his shoulder, or him place a kiss on her forehead that it didn’t kill me inside. This charade was going to have to end, sooner rather than later, I just didn’t know how to do it.

I took a shower, dressed in clean clothes, packed up my bag, and by the time I was sitting down on the end of the bed, pulling my sneakers on and lacing them I heard the keycard slide into the door and it be pushed open.

“Hey,” Taylor walked into the room, stopping in front of me, his fists on his hips.

“Hey.”

“Sleep good?”

“I guess,” I shrugged, standing up and walking to the mini-fridge and pulling out a bottle of water. I uncapped it and took a large swig.

“That’s gonna cost us $10.”

“Oh well,” I shrugged again, taking another sip before putting the cap back on and tossing the bottle onto the bed.

“You mad about something?” Taylor’s eyes followed all of my movements.

“No, just sick of this,” I sat back down, crossing my ankles and looking up at him.

“Sick of what?”

“This stupid double dating thing we have going on. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“You and Kate seem to be doing well together,” Taylor rolled his eyes, not looking away from me.

“Why are you like this?” I stood up, stepping towards him. 

“Like what?”

“You’re in love with her, you love her and yet I can’t be happy with someone else. You’re so mad about the idea of me falling for someone else.”

“Are you falling for her?” He crossed his arms.

We stood there, arms crossed, eyes squinted. I could lie to him, I could try to hurt him. It might make me feel good, at least for the moment. But I wouldn’t.

“No,” I dropped my arms to my sides and sighed.

“Maybe you should let her in on that.”

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

“You don’t mind hurting me.”

I shook my head and threw my hands up. He was ridiculous. Everything was about Taylor, what Taylor felt, what Taylor wanted. Something had to give.

“You’re joking, right?” I walked past him and to the window. I kept my back to him and crossed my arms. “So what you mean is that you can have me, and have her, and you can be in love with both of us, but I’m supposed to spend forever here, just alone and in love with you?”

I felt him walk up behind me before he touched me. His hand on my back felt like fire through my tee shirt. 

“Zac,” he said softly. I turned around and looked at him, his hand sliding around me as I turned. “You’re in love with me?”

“I’ve always been in love with you,” I looked up at him. He was frowning, his arm wrapping around my waist, joining his other one.

He leaned in and kissed me, soft and slow, his lips warm. He stopped and smiled at me.

“I love you, too.”

He leaned in again, kissing me a little quicker this time, but still soft and tender, the kind of kiss that feels like love. 

I heard the keycard slide in the door, but he obviously didn’t, and I couldn’t care any less. When Natalie’s low, “oh,” floated into the air, he jumped back, ripping his arms from around my waist and turned to her.

“Nat,” he whispered.

“I-“ she shook her head, stepping into the room and closing the door. “I was just-“ she looked around the room. “I needed my bag.”

“Nat, it’s not what you think,” Taylor said, shaking his head. “We were-“

“I don’t know what you mean,” Natalie smiled. She looked from Taylor to me and then back to Taylor. “Kate’s waiting whenever you guys are ready, there’s going to be a lot of traffic on the highway.”

She walked to her bag and lifted the handle so she could roll it to the door, and then walked back to Taylor, taking his hand and smiling.

I watched as he linked his fingers through hers, as he grabbed the handle of her suitcase and began rolling it towards the door. I watched as she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek, as he turned his head to look at me as they were walking out the door, his face confused, torn, his eyes sad.


	11. Chapter 11

When I walked into the hospital room, Taylor was in his bed, in the sitting up position, Natalie was sitting on the end of it, Indian style, facing him. They were laughing like they’d just got done telling the funniest joke in the world. I cleared my throat and they both looked over at me, their smiles not leaving their faces.

“You’re back,” Taylor motioned with his hand for me to come closer. “Sit down, we’re just telling old stories.”

“Um-“ I took another step in the room and looked at Natalie. “Can I talk to you? In the hall.”

“Yeah,” the smile left her face and she tilted her head. “Of course.”

She got off the bed and followed me into the hallway. I shut the door and turned to face her.

“You slept with him,” it wasn’t a question.

She backed up a step, leaning against the wall and let out a sigh. She ran a hand up to her head, flattening her hair.

“Zac,”

“No. Just tell me why you slept with him. Tell me why you’d do that to me?”

She looked up at me, her face sad. She opened her mouth and then closed it, looking down at her feet.

“Natalie, why?” I crossed my arms. I wasn’t going to let her out of this, she was going to tell me exactly what she was thinking when she betrayed me with Taylor.

“I don’t know, it was an accident.”

“An accident?” I took a step towards her, lowering my voice. “Exactly how is it an accident? Were you naked and he just fell over, right into you?”

“Zac,” she looked up at me again. 

“What, Natalie? What?”

“It was a mistake. I would never hurt you.”

“Well, you did. What were you thinking? How did it happen?”

“Can we talk about this somewhere else?” She looked around the hallway, there were nurses milling about, Doctors walking through the halls. 

“Fine,” I pushed Taylor’s door open and told him that Natalie and I were going to go down to the cafeteria to get some coffee, that we’d bring him some back. I turned back to her and shook my head. “Let’s go.”

She followed me to the elevator and we took the ride to the lobby in silence. 

“The cafeteria is-“ she started when I walked towards the doors.

“We’re not going to the cafeteria.” I shot over my shoulder. We were going to talk about this in the privacy of my truck. 

She followed me out into the parking lot, saying nothing until we were both seated in the front seat of my truck. I was staring straight ahead, out the windshield, watching the cars on the highway zip past. 

“Zac,” she finally said softly. I turned my head and looked at her. Her face was twisted into something I’d never seen on it before. Sadness, regret, fear. 

“How could you?” I whispered, shaking my head.

“Taylor,” she started, covering her face with her hand for a few seconds before taking it away. Her eyes were shining, and I knew she was going to cry. “He texted me and asked me if he could come over, you know that already. He showed up with a bottle of tequila, a few shots were already missing, and he was already drunk. If I had known he was drunk, I would have told him not to come.”

She wiped a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand.

“The kids had been asleep for a while, it was late. He said you guys had been fighting, he just needed to clear his head, talk to someone who cared about him. We made these really awful margaritas and we just talked, all night. I was pretty drunk, you know I don’t drink often.”

Her eyes met mine again, they were full of tears and guilt.

“It’s no excuse, there is no excuse.”

“How did it happen, Natalie? How did you wind up in bed together?”

“He asked me if he could stay. He said he was too drunk to drive home. Of course I didn’t want him to drive, I never should have let him leave later.”

“Right, but you did,” I spat. Suddenly I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling. I wanted her to be so full of regret and guilt that she’d explode right there in the passenger seat of my truck. She shook her head slightly, wiping another tear away.

“You don’t have to remind me that this is all my fault.”

“Just keep going, keep talking.”

“I set him up in the guest bedroom. I put him to bed, and then I went to bed myself. A little while later he knocked on my door, he said he couldn’t sleep, he asked if we could just lay there and talk.” She looked me in my eyes. “I swear Zac, I didn’t plan it. I didn’t think about doing it, it just happened.”

“How? What made it happen?” I stared back into her eyes, mine stinging. Pictures of them tangled up under bedsheets flying through my mind. 

“He reached over and kissed me. He said he wanted to feel something familiar, something he knew.” The tears were coming in earnest now. Her chest was heaving slightly, her face red. “We were so drunk, it never would have happened if we weren’t.”

She looked down at her lap, tears making dark spots on her jeans when they fell.

“How could you do it? How could you go through with it, knowing what he means to me? How could you do it to me?” I watched as she wiped her cheeks, as she struggled to stop the tears from coming. A pang of empathy for her struck me, but just as fast as it had come, I pushed it back down where it belonged. Taylor was mine, she had no right.

She looked up at me then, her face sad despite a tiny smile, the kind that doesn’t reach your eyes, the kind that shows more sadness than happiness. She shrugged and shook her head slightly.

“I guess the same way you did it to me.”

 

-

 

It had been a year since Taylor started seeing Natalie, and almost nothing had changed. 

Taylor still found himself in my bed, over and under me, almost every single night that he slept at home. There were more and more nights that he was spending in Georgia at Natalie’s parents house. They seemed to have accepted him as a part of their family, as their future son-in-law. I couldn’t help but feel that while they were gaining a family member, I was losing one. 

For the occasion, Natalie and Kate were flying in to Tulsa, they were spending an entire week with us this time, the most time we’d all ever spent together. Kate and I were still together, my feelings hadn’t changed much, I liked her just fine, but love wasn’t a word I’d use to describe my feelings for her, despite the fact that she’d told me she loved me several more times.

Natalie had never mentioned what she walked in on in that hotel room in May, but sometimes I caught her looking at Taylor and I with some skepticism, a slight sadness in her eyes. She didn’t treat me any differently, we always got along like we were old friends, but you could tell that when she looked at me she remembered that day, remembered exactly what she walked in on. As far as I could tell, she’d never told Kate. At least there was that.

 

Taylor had gone by himself to pick up the girls at the airport, while I set up their makeshift basement bedroom. Taylor had bought twelve dozen roses, one dozen for each month him and Natalie had been together, and arranged them around the basement for her to see when she arrived. The sight of them made me want to puke a little bit, but I had to admit it was a cute, very Taylor, thing to do. 

I was in the backyard, sitting on our old tire swing hanging from the old oak tree. This thing had been hanging here longer than I’d been alive, but it had been a long time since I’d used it. For once it was peaceful at our house, all of my siblings out and about at friends houses or activities, my parents off for an afternoon of shopping and dining. Sometimes I forgot just how beautiful of a place I lived in, but sitting there on that swing, looking out at the expanse of greenery, the sounds of birds and animals the soundtrack, I fully appreciated where I’d grown up, and how lucky I was to have grown up there. 

A thin, cold pair of hands covered my eyes, hair tickled my neck as the words “guess who,” were whispered in my ear. I found myself smiling, bringing my hands up to hers and linking my fingers through them, pulling her arms around my neck and turning my head to kiss her on the cheek.

“Missed you,” she kissed my cheek and then walked around, stepping into the other side of the tire swing, sitting and facing me.

“Missed you too,” I smiled, pushing my feet on the dirt a little bit so we swung lightly.

“Are you ready for a whole week of me?” 

“Born ready,” I grinned, nudging the toe of her shoe with mine.

“Natalie freaked over all the roses,” she smiled. “Taylor’s such a little romantic.”

“He can be.”

“She’s talking about moving here, you know?”

I looked up at her, I did not know. I tried to keep my face neutral, but my heart dropped into my stomach.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, she’s been scouring Ikea for furniture. She’s excited.” She smiled, as if this was the best news she’d ever heard. I tried to smile, I tried to make it look like I thought this news was as great as she thought it was. 

“Taylor didn’t tell me,” I looked back down, dragging the toe of my sneaker through the dirt, making circles and squares, needing to keep myself moving.

“Huh,” Kate said, reaching out and touching my knee. “Maybe he was just waiting for the right time.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“She asked me if I wanted to come with her.”

I looked up at her again. This couldn’t happen. I was aware that I was a terrible person, stringing Kate along for all these months, using her for my own advantages, to make myself feel better about Taylor and Natalie, but I couldn’t have her living here. I couldn’t let her move so far from home when I knew I didn’t plan on having any kind of a life with her. Besides, I was too young for this, too young to commit to having a girl move states for me. I couldn’t even drink, couldn’t even vote. This was too much for me.

“I said no,” Kate grinned. “I’m not ready to move away from home yet.”

I let out a breath, hoping she didn’t notice. She was smart. I think she always knew that this thing with us wasn’t a forever deal, wasn’t anything more than two kids biding their time together. She loved me, sure, but she was smart enough to know that you couldn’t make a life with someone who didn’t love you back.

“Visiting will be easier, though, what with Natalie having her own place here. You won't have to stay in our basement anymore.” I smiled.

“Well it won't be all hers.”

“What do you mean?”

“Taylor’s going to move in, too. They’re planning on looking for places this week while we’re here.”

I knew what she said, but I shook my head.

“What?”

How could he plan to move in with her? Without telling me, without even talking to me first? He couldn’t possibly think this was the right thing to do. He couldn’t leave me.

“Yeah, they’re going to get a place, she’d never be able to afford a place on her own.”

“Oh,” I said, putting my hands on the ropes and pulling myself to my feet. “I see.”

I stepped out of the tire swing and held my hand out to help her stand out of it too. We walked to the backdoor of the house, hand in hand. Having her with me really did make me feel better. Just knowing she was there for me, to be a rock in the disaster that my life sometimes was, was comforting. She made me feel warm, like I had someone who truly cared about me. So, why couldn’t I make myself love her?

 

That night, once dinner and dessert were done, and we’d spent hours in the family room watching movies and chatting about nothing at all, we’d seen the girls to bed with talks about our plans for the next day, we’d go out to breakfast and then Taylor wanted to take them to the park. Our park, the one he’d taken me to on my fourteenth birthday. I’d already had enough of our week together, and it had only been a handful of hours. 

When I walked into our bedroom, Taylor was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking through a magazine. Somethings about Taylor had remained the same over the years, and his penchant for old Architectural Digest magazines was one of those things. I walked by him, going into our bathroom and shutting the door. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but none of it was particularly nice, so I figured the best course of action was to hold off as long as possible. His knocks on the door put a pretty quick end to that, though.

“What do you want?” I muttered, opening the door. He was standing on the other side, his hair disheveled, like he’d recently been running his fingers through it. It was amazing to me how the sight of someone could make your stomach hurt, in such a good way. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Getting ready for bed.”

“You’re pissed at me.”

I looked at him for a second and then shook my head, pushing past him to walk to my bed. I sat down on it and then looked up at him again.

“Yeah, I am.”

“For what now?”

“We’re you going to tell me that you’re getting ready to go play house with Natalie?”

His face dropped, as if this was the last thing in the world he was expecting me to say. 

“How did you know?”

“My girlfriend is _your_ girlfriends best friend, you _idiot_.”

He sighed and sat down on the bed next to me.

“It was going to get there eventually.”

“Was it?” I turned my head to look at him. 

“I love her, Zac. I’m going to make a life with her.”

“And what about me?”

“Nothing has to change between us,” he put his hand on my leg. I wanted to slap it off. I wanted to slap _him_. But, after all this time, and all of these things, I still craved his touch. 

“Of course it has to change between us, you’re going to move out. You won't even be here anymore.”

“I’ll still be here. You’ll see me all the time.” He squeezed my knee.

“You’re leaving me,” I looked into his eyes. I guess if I had really thought about it, I’d have known that Taylor wouldn’t always live at home, that he’d probably move out before me, but it wasn’t something I’d ever been forced to come face to face with, and I thought I had more time. 

“I’m not, I’m just growing up, Zac.”

“You’re supposed to grow up with me.”

“I have,” he put his hand on my cheek, rubbing his thumb across the skin of my face. “You’re the most important person to me, you know that. I’m not leaving you.”

He kissed me then, pushing himself over me so that I was laying down, him hovering above me. His hair was hanging in my face, his breath fanning over me. 

Just like every time that Taylor let me down, just like every time he hurt me, I allowed him to make me feel better the only way I think he knew how. Except this time, he kept his eyes closed almost the whole time, and when he came, instead of wrapping himself around me and his breathing lulling me to sleep, he got up off the bed, laid a kiss on my forehead and went to sleep in his own bed.

He was wrong, he was leaving me, he’d already started.


	12. Chapter 12

“It’s not the same, and you know it,” I shook my head at Natalie, squinting my eyes to try to prevent the tears from coming. I couldn’t let her see me cry, she deserved the tears, she deserved the hurt. 

“Zac,” She let out a breath, reaching over and putting her hand on my cheek. “It’s the same. I don’t blame you, and I’ve never been mad at you about taking him from me, I know how much you love him. But, it is the same.”

It happened then, I cried. I leaned forward, resting my forehead on the steering wheel of my truck, and I just let the tears come. She was right, and I couldn’t argue that with her, but it didn’t make the pain in my stomach any less stabby, and it didn’t make the pressure that was gathering in my head any less pounding. It didn’t make the breaking of my heart any less staggering. 

The thing is, I always had this outlook on what we did to Natalie where it wasn’t really bad, it wasn’t really betrayal, because he was mine first. He was supposed to be mine, she just took him from me for a little while. But he was hers. He married her, he gave her our last name. He had five children with her, and she was the best mother I’d ever seen. I broke her heart three years ago, maybe she was just paying me back. 

I felt her small hand on my back, she was rubbing little circles. 

“Zac, I’m sorry,” she said low, her voice hitched with tears. “I wouldn’t have done it sober, I’d never hurt you.”

“I know,” and I did. I knew that. I trusted Natalie, I loved Natalie. “Do you still love him?”

“I’ll always love him.”

“Me too.”

 

When we walked back into Taylor’s hospital room, after we gave ourselves a few minutes in our respective restrooms to pull ourselves together, I was shocked, and not all too happy, to see my mother sitting in my chair, talking to Taylor. He looked up at us, his face twisted, there were tears in his eyes.

“How could you not tell me?” 

He was looking at me. 

“What did you do?” I spat at my mother. She turned to look at me, a small smile on her face.

“I thought he should know.”

“It’s not your place,” I walked towards her, stopping just in front of her chair, looking down on her. “It’s not your place to hurt him anymore than you already have.”

“Someone had to be honest with him, you two weren’t doing it.” She looked between Natalie and I.

“Get out.”

“I will no-“

“Get. Out!” I stomped my foot on the tile floor. I didn’t particularly care how mature I looked in that moment. “Get out, Mother, and don’t come back.”

“Don’t cause a scene, Zachary,” she rolled her eyes, standing up. I moved out of her way so she could walk by, whatever got her out of this room faster.

“You knew exactly what you were doing,” I shook my head at her back as she walked towards the door. “You knew you shouldn’t have said anything to him.”

She turned to face us, her hand on the doorknob.

“I just did what you should have done all along.”

“No. You don’t know what the doctors are saying, you don’t know what his mind can handle right now. You did this for your own gain.”

“Think what you will,” she looked past me at Taylor. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” And she was gone.

“Taylor,” I turned and walked closer to his bed. 

“How could you lie to me?” His face was washed with sadness. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want him to hurt anymore than he already had. I was trying to save him, and I’d hurt him instead. 

“Tay, I wasn’t trying to lie to you, I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

“But you did.”

“I was trying to help you. They told me not to overwhelm you. I didn’t know how-“

“You should have been honest with me, you’re the only person who I thought would never lie to me.” 

Natalie cleared her throat and walked in between us.

“I’m going to go home,” she looked at Taylor. “He was just doing what he thought was right, Tay. Take it easy on him.”

“You knew about this?”

She smiled sadly and nodded.

“I’ve always known.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You will, Tay,” she smiled, kissing him on the top of the head. “You will.”

She squeezed my arm and smiled at me, and left us there, alone.

 

-

 

Christmas was barely over when Taylor’s moving day rolled around. We spent the morning in our room- my room now- putting last minute things into boxes, while Natalie and Kate drove a U Haul truck from Georgia. I couldn’t even bare to look at him, knowing that after today everything about us would be different. Every time our eyes met, my chest got tight and my eyes stung. I already missed him and he wasn’t even gone yet. 

“Do you want to keep this?” Taylor held up a framed photo of us. We were young in it, I was probably 8, him 10 or 11. We were hanging on either side of our old tree swing, our legs up in the air, our hair dragging in the dirt on the ground. We were smiling, maybe we were laughing, we looked happy. 

“You should take it, put it on your new wall or something.”

“You know, we have an extra bedroom, you can sleep over any time.”

I’d never slept in a bedroom without Taylor before. I didn’t even know how to exist without him near me. 

“I know.”

He sighed, putting down the stack of magazines he’d picked up to put into a box and walked over to where I was sitting on the floor, a stack of CD’s in front of me. He moved them out of the way and crouched down, so he was eye level with me.

“I’m not dying or anything, Zac. I’m just moving.”

“You’re leaving me here alone.”

“You’ll see me all the time.”

“Sure, maybe at first. And then it’ll become less and less until I only see you at holidays with your eighteen kids.”

He laughed, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close to him.

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not,” I shoved my face into his neck and closed my eyes. I didn’t want him to go and I didn’t know how to make him stay. He smelled like Taylor, a smell I knew like I knew my own name, a smell I hadn’t gone a day without smelling since the day I was born. 

He held me tight, running a hand over my hair. I couldn’t help it, I cried into his neck, tears running from my face onto his skin. He pressed his lips to the side of my head, shhhing me, rubbing my head. I moved my face so that our lips were pressed together, my tears becoming his. We kissed and cried until we were breathless, our hands buried in each others hair, our clothes shedding until there were none left.

When Taylor lowered himself to the floor, pulling me on top of him, and whispered in my ear that this time, he wanted to feel me inside of him, every hair on my body stood on end. We’d never done this before, it was always him, he always drove us, and I was always here for the ride. 

“Are you sure?” I whispered, my eyes darting between his. He nodded, pulling my head down to kiss me again.

 

When I entered him, it was like fire had spread through my body, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. My arms couldn’t hold me up, so I rested my forehead on his chest, our sweat slowly mixing together, our hands clasped, our breathing ragged and heavy. 

By then I had slept with Kate several times, but my body had never felt anything like this before. When I closed my eyes I saw red, my chest was tight and I had butterflies trying to break free of my stomach. When Taylor whispered my name, over and over, it brought me to the edge. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, but God, I wanted to. I wanted to do this forever, every minute for every day for the rest of my life.

“Tay, I can’t,” I bit in to the soft skin on his collarbone, tightening my grip on his hands.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, loosening the fingers of one of his hands from mine and bringing his hand between us. I felt him begin to stroke himself in time with my thrusts and that was all it took. 

He came seconds after me and we were both sticky and sweaty, wrapped up in each other. I didn’t want it to be over, because it being over meant we were minutes closer to him leaving. Minutes closer to this not being something we could do whenever we wanted. Minutes closer to him really becoming hers, becoming not mine. 

“Hey,” he whispered, running his hand through my hair. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

I nodded against his chest, pulling myself off of him and to my feet. He stood with me and we walked to the bathroom, Taylor turning the shower on and stepping in, putting his hand out for me to join him. Another first on our list. 

Taylor washed every inch of my body, carefully and slowly, like he was worried if he missed a spot I’d never be clean again. When he was done, I returned the favor and then, underneath the hot, running water, he took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes.

“I love you,” he smiled.

“I love you, too.”

“Nothing is changing that,” he kissed me, the water washing away the new tears coming from my eyes. 

 

When I opened my eyes, I could hear whispering across the room before I saw them. Taylor and Natalie were standing by his stripped bed, he had his arms crossed and she was nodding, smiling up at him.

“We were packing, and we must have just fallen asleep,” He said to her.

“Okay,” she nodded her head.

“My bed was stripped, I must have just laid in his. It was a long night, we were tired.”

“It’s okay, Tay,” she smiled, leaning up on her tiptoes to kiss him.

We must have fallen asleep, together in my bed, and she must have walked in when she got here and saw us. This was the second time she’d walked in on something between Taylor and I, and it was the second time she’d acted like it was no big deal. She was something, that Natalie.

She turned and saw me awake and smiled at me.

“Morning, sleepy head.”

“Hey,” I said, sitting up and stretching my arms above my head. “Where’s Kate?”

“In the kitchen, your mom made lunch before your parents left for the market.”

“Cool,” I nodded, throwing a look at Taylor before walking out of the room and down the stairs. 

Kate was sitting at the kitchen table, a plate with half a sandwich on it sitting in front of her.

“Hey you,” she smiled when she saw me enter the kitchen. She stood and met me in the middle of the room. “Missed you.”

I smiled, pulling her in for a hug.

“Ditto.”

The thing was, Kate had become my best friend. I didn’t love her, I didn’t think I ever could love her, not the way she wanted me to, maybe the way she needed me to, but I loved having her in my life. Kate looked at me like I was something special, like I was the only person she wanted. Sometimes I felt guilty, knowing that I’d never be able to be what she really needed, but in the meantime, she filled a void in me that I didn’t want to empty again. I thought I’d need her even more now that Taylor would be gone, living with Natalie. 

 

We spent the rest of the day moving boxes into Taylor and Natalie’s new little house. I had to admit, it was a cute house. Just big enough to not be too small, but small enough to not be too big. The outside was white with a red door, trees all around. The backyard was peaceful, with a patio and a fire pit. 

When we finally finished setting everything up around 11 PM, we all decided we were too exhausted to make the drive back to my house, back to my lonely little room and what was now only Kate’s little basement bedroom, and Natalie insisted we stay in the guest room. Taylor didn’t look all that pleased, but Taylor would almost always do anything Natalie said, he’d do anything to make her happy. I wished he felt the same about me. 

 

We settled into the twin bed they’d set up in the guest room, Taylor’s old bed. Natalie had a king, and that’s what they were using as their bed. Their bed. The words made me a little queasy. We barely fit, and we spent a good amount of time giggling while trying to find a comfortable position for us to lay down in. Right when we’d decided we’d finally found it, Kate groaned, saying she was thirsty and would have to go get some water. I told her to just stay where she was and I’d get it for her.

When I got to the kitchen, Taylor was leaning against the counter, a beer in his hand. I guess now that he lived on his own, he was going to do things he’d never do at home. 

“What’re you doing?” He looked up when he heard me come in.

“Kate’s thirsty,” I walked to the cabinet I had stocked only a couple of hours before and took out a glass, going to the fridge and pushing the glass against the water dispenser. When it filled, I turned to walk back to the hallway, but Taylor was standing right in front of me. 

“What?” I laughed, his face was so serious, he was looking at me like he was trying to read something on my face.

“Just-“ he said, then shook his head. “Just don’t have sex with her in my house, okay?”

I looked at him blankly for a few seconds before laughing and stepping around him. I was growing tired of this game.

“Goodnight, Taylor,” I said as I rounded the corner to the hallway that lead to the guest room.

He wasn’t going to tell me what to do anymore. If he didn’t want me to have sex with her in his house, that’s exactly what I was going to do.


	13. Chapter 13

When Natalie left, the room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Taylor and I were looking at each other, it seemed like we were trying to read something in each others faces, trying to gauge the temperature of the room. After a few long minutes, I sat down on his bed, by his legs, pulling my leg up so it was underneath me.

“Tay,” I put a hand on his knee, frowning. “I would never do anything to hurt you. I really was doing what I thought was best for you.”

He scanned my face, and then after a few seconds he nodded.

“I know.”

“This whole experience has been hard, for you, for me, for all of us. I didn’t want to throw anything at you that might make it worse.”

“How can I just not remember?” 

“I don’t know, Tay,” I sighed, running my other hand through my hair. “I don’t know.”

Slowly, he moved his hand from where it lay in his lap and placed it on top of mine. We hadn’t touched in so long, it felt like home and relief and love, and I couldn’t stop the tears stinging at the backs of my eyes. I brought my other hand up to my face and covered my eyes, shaking my head. I had to be strong, I couldn’t fall apart, I couldn’t be the weak one, not now.

“Tell me” his voice was low, full of want. I uncovered my eyes and looked at him, his eyes were shining, he was smiling a tiny smile, one I knew so well. “Tell me, Zac.”

 

I told Taylor the story of our first kiss, and he tilted his head, telling me he remembered. My eyes widened, this was great news.

“Do you remember anything else?”

“Maybe,” he said. “Some of the things from when I was younger are clear, some are fuzzy. But I remember that day. I remember laying in my bed for hours after, wondering why I liked it so much.”

“You ignored me for a little while, you were embarrassed and nervous about liking it.”

“Yeah,” he laughed quietly. “I remember that, too.”

“Do you remember us, from before? From before you were married?”

“I think so, I remember some of it. I didn’t before, but I do now,” he looked towards the door. “Since Mom told me.”

“God, Taylor,” I said, scooting up further on the bed so I was sitting next to him, my thigh touching his hip. “I thought I’d lost you for good.”

“I want to know,” he was staring into my eyes, looking for answers. “I want to know everything about us. How’d we end up here?”

“There’s so much time for that,” I smiled, turning my hand over and wrapping my fingers around his. “There’s time, I’m just happy I don’t have to hide this from you anymore.”

“How doesn’t Natalie hate us?”

“Because she loves us.”

“I’d hate us.”

“I think I would, too,” I laughed a little. “She’s too good of a person to hate us.”

“Did we hurt her really bad?”

“I think so, but she always cared more about you and your happiness, and even mine, to put herself ahead of that. I think she knew it was going to happen, she knew about us a lot longer than we thought she did.”

He nodded, bringing his bottom lip between his teeth, scanning my face.

“Can we-” he shook his head, his cheeks turning a little bit red.

“What?” I grinned.

“Kiss me.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice. My hands found their way to his hair and my lips found their way to his, they needed no direction, this was their natural resting place.

I kissed him, soft, slow, like I’d never kissed him before. He was hesitant at first, but soon his arms were around me, his mouth moving with mine as if it never forgot how to.

 

I pulled my mouth away from his and rested my forehead on his, our noses touching. An hour ago I was questioning if we’d ever kiss again, and all it took was someone coming in and stirring up the pot. He still didn’t remember everything, we still had a long way to go from there, but in that moment my heart was pounding and my stomach hurt again, but in such a good way. When our lips touched it felt like arriving home after a long time away, it felt like finding yourself right where you belonged. I never wanted to go a week without feeling that again, not for as long as I lived.

 

-

 

It was Valentine’s Day and Taylor had promised me that he would make some time for us. He’d done a decent job of keeping his promise that things wouldn’t change too much between us after he moved out, but inevitably some things had. I didn’t see him every day, sometimes not even every other, but when I did, he went out of his way to make me feel special, to prove to me that he loved me and still cared about me, despite the fact that he was also very much in love with Natalie. 

My parents were out for a rare date night in honor of Valentine’s Day and all of my siblings had made plans, so I had the house to myself. I’d spent hours setting up my bedroom, putting candles around, washing the bedding and making the bed up nice. It felt a little girly, and a little bit lame, but I wanted the little time Taylor and I would have together to be special. I missed having him living in the same room as me, and I wanted to treasure every second of him being near me that I could. 

He’d told me he’d be over around 6, so when 6:30 rolled around and he still wasn’t there, I sat on my bed, slowly getting more and more annoyed by the second. When I finally heard the door knob turn, I jumped to my feet, not being able to help the smile that came over my face, but when I saw Taylor, the smile slipped away. He was as white as a sheet, his hair and clothes were a bit disheveled and he looked like he’d seen a ghost.

“Tay?” I walked towards him, where he’d stopped right inside the room after he’d closed the door. “What’s wrong?”

“I just need to sit down,” he said, shaking his head and walking past me, sitting down hard on my bed. I could smell beer on him.

“What happened?” I joined him on my bed, nudging his knee with mine.

“Everything is ruined.”

“What?” He was looking at his knees, all the color gone from his face. He smelled like he’d slept in a brewery the night before, and a pang of annoyance at the fact that he’d been driving drunk hit me.

“She’s pregnant.”

I couldn’t have heard that right. It sounded like he’d said that she was pregnant, but she couldn’t be pregnant. I shook my head and asked him to repeat himself.

“She’s pregnant, Zac,” he said, finally looking at me. His eyes were glassy, his bottom lip looked like he’d been chewing on it for hours.

“Natalie?”

He nodded, putting his head in his hands and leaning his elbows on his thighs.

“How?”

“I think you know how.”

“I just mean-“ I shook my head again, I couldn’t believe this. I couldn’t believe he’d let something like this happen. “Don’t you use protection?”

“Usually,” he said, sighing. “We ran out.”

“So you shouldn’t have-“ I stood up, walking to the middle of the room and then stopping, turning to look at him. “How could you let this happen?”

“I didn’t plan it.”

“That’s always your excuse. I didn’t mean for it to happen, I didn’t plan on this happening. Maybe you should start planning things better.”

“Hey,” he said, standing up. “Don’t act like this affects you more than it does me.”

“It effects me enough!” I threw my hands up. “How much more can you do to me?”

“To you?” He walked towards me, stopping only inches from me. “This is going to change my whole life. Don’t be selfish.”

“You’re the selfish one,” I poked him in the chest. “And why’d you even drive? You’re drunk. You smell disgusting.”

“I had to see you,” his shoulders fell a little bit and he shook his head. “I just wanted to be with you.”

“Honestly? I don’t want to be with you that much right now.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and shook my head. I looked around the room, all of the candles striking me as even more stupid now. I was so mad at him, I wanted to hit him. I wanted to scream in his face, make him realize what an idiot he’d been for over a year. Make him realize he was ruining us, month by month, soon we’d be nothing.

“I need you,” he took another step toward me, our chests were practically touching.

“No,” I said, putting my hand on his chest. “No.”

“What?”

“You can’t do this all the time. Do something to hurt me and then expect me to sleep with you.”

“I didn’t do this to hurt you.”

“Well, it did. It does.”

“I’m sorry,” he put his hands on my hips, pulling me into him, but I pushed him away.

“You’re always sorry,” I walked around him and sat back down on my bed. I wasn’t going to let him get away with this so easily. I wasn’t going to let him rip my heart out and then get his rocks off without some work.

He walked over to me and lowered himself to the floor so that he was crouching between my knees.

“Please, Zac,” he looked up at me, a single tear rolling down his stupid cheek. “Don’t be mad at me, I can’t take that, too, right now.”

“How can I not be mad at you?”

“Because you love me?” He wrapped his arms around my waist, burying his head in my stomach. “Tell me you love me.”

I didn’t want to. I wanted to make him suffer a little bit, but I could feel his tears soaking into my shirt, I could feel his shoulders shaking against me, and I did love him. How could I not comfort him?

“I love you, Tay.”

He stayed like that for what felt like forever, crying into my stomach, his arms wrapped tight around my waist. I ran my hands through his hair, over his back. It hurt me to see him hurt, more than it hurt me that Natalie was pregnant. I cared about him far more than I cared about myself.

His hands moved slowly from my back around my hips and to the button on my jeans, and he backed up just enough that he could undo them. 

“What are you doing?” I whispered as he pulled them off of me, pushing them down, before moving back in between my legs.

“I need you right now,” he said, wrapping his arms back around me, sliding them underneath my shirt, over my skin, pushing the fabric up and laying light kisses across my chest, my stomach.

“Tay,” I said, putting my hands over his.

“No,” he whined, pulling his hands out from under mine, pressing them back onto my skin, trailing his fingertips along it, leaving little goosebumps in their wake.

“Tay, come on.”

“I need you,” he repeated, wrapping his fingers around me, my breath instantly hitching in my throat, my shoulders dropping. He moved his hand slow, tauntingly almost, his other hand on my lower back, his finger tips drawing little shapes, sending shivers up my spine. 

He kissed a path from my chest to my stomach. He laid small kisses on my right thigh and then my left before looking up at me. He was stroking me a little bit faster now, his eyes boring into mine. 

“Tay.”

“I want to make you feel good,” he said, smiling. He dipped his head, taking me into his mouth, his hand still moving, and until that day, I’d never felt anything like it.

 

We were laying in my bed, Taylor’s head on my chest, my fingers tangled up in his hair. He didn’t want to go home, he said he just wanted to be with me, to feel better for a little while. 

“So what are you going to do?” I asked, running my fingers through his hair, my other hand rubbing circles on his back. “You know, about the baby?”

“I’m going to marry her.”

Both of my hands stopped moving. Suddenly I felt like I was touching a boiling pot on top of the stove. I shoved him off of me and sat up, looking down at him.

“What?”

“I have to,” he sat up with me, moving his hair out of his face. “I don’t have a choice.”

“Of course you have a choice,” I shook my head. I didn’t understand. Him dating her was one thing, I could even live with him moving in with her. I didn’t know how to deal with him marrying her. 

“I have to do the right thing by her,” he said, reaching for me. I slapped his hand away and shook my head again. “by the baby, too.”

“You need to leave,” I said, standing up off the bed and pulling my shirt over my head. “You have to go.”

“Zac-“

“No, Tay. Just leave, please. I can’t look at you right now.”

He stood up and tried to pull me in for a hug, but I stepped back.

“Please don’t touch me, please don’t look at me. Just go.”

He frowned and collected his shirt from the floor and pulled it on. He slipped into his shoes and walked to the door.

“I love you,” he said as he pulled the door open. I said nothing. I felt nothing but pain.


	14. Chapter 14

“Will you lay with me? I’m tired.”

His eyes were droopy, he’d had a long week, even if he were only really here for a part of it.

“Of course,” I smiled. “Scootch over.”

We didn’t really both fit comfortably, but we made it work. I put my arm around his shoulders and pulled him close to me, running my fingers through his hair. I almost forgot about that bald spot they gave him. 

“Will you be mad if I go to sleep?”

“No,” I kissed his temple. “Get your rest.”

 

As soon as Taylor’s breathing became labored and I knew he was asleep, I regretted telling him I wouldn’t mind, because the first thought that popped into my mind was one of him and Natalie, naked in her bed, wrapped around each other, going at it. In my mind they were reenacting scenes from some hardcore porn. I’m sure in real life, it was much less dramatic and dirty, but no one has ever told me I need to ramp up my dramatics. 

I was going to have to talk to him about this, but how was I supposed to do that when he didn’t remember? He barely remembered us, he only knew because he was told. I could wait, but then I knew, every time he wasn’t awake, every time he wasn’t speaking, I’d be picturing him on top of her, her under him. I didn’t want to see their naked bodies dancing every time I closed my eyes.

The funny thing is, I wasn’t even mad anymore. I was so happy to have Taylor here, that he was alive and speaking, awake and breathing, that I couldn’t even muster up the anger. The second I kissed him today, everything else flew out the window. He was here, and he was mine, and that was really the only thing that mattered to me. We could work through everything else.

 

I must have drifted off with Taylor because the next thing I heard was a quiet knock on the door, and of course someone would show up when Taylor was finally getting some rest.

“Come in,” I said as quietly as possible with the hope whoever was knocking would hear it. I wasn’t moving, though. Not with his head resting on my shoulder, not with him sleeping next to me.

It was shocking to see Kate walk through the door, wearing a flowery top and an equally flowery skirt. Some things didn’t change.

“Hey,” she didn’t smile. She did make a bit of a face at seeing us in the bed, but she definitely didn’t smile.

“Hey,” I pushed myself into a sitting position. 

I didn’t see Kate much. She came to town for the kids birthday parties, and I saw her there, but we tended to give each other a wide berth. Outside of that, I hadn’t seen her in years. I’d really broken her heart, and I’d never really stopped feeling bad about that. She was a wonderful girl, she just wasn’t what I needed. Nothing could change that. 

“How’s he doing?” She tentatively walked over and sat in my chair, she placed her handbag on the floor and folded her hands in her lap.

“He’s getting there.”

“Good,” she nodded once, turning her eyes from me and looking at Taylor.

“I’m surprised to see you.”

“Yeah, well. I thought I should drop in. I came to town to spend the weekend with Nat.”

“I can wake him.”

“Not yet, let him sleep. I’m sure he’s tired.”

I nodded and we fell into silence. Thinking back on what I put her through was a form of self torture. I wasn’t that guy, but I had been to her. I tried, for a long time. I thought maybe if I stayed with her, pretended with her, for long enough, eventually one day I’d fall in love with her. Falling in love never came, but destroying her happened quick, and hard. When Natalie had eventually told her about Taylor and I, she sent me a few short texts, telling me I was disgusting and she should have known all along. I didn’t bother answering, maybe she was right.

I had loved Kate, but I loved her in the way you’d love a best friend, someone who you leaned on, someone who you wanted to be around, but not someone you married, not someone you spent your life with as their partner. I’d only ever loved one person like that. I didn’t know how to be in love with anyone else.

“Kate?” I looked at her. She turned her head so she was looking at me, our eyes connecting. There was anger in hers, maybe she’d never gotten over what I’d done to her.

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“Everything,” I shrugged, looking down into my lap. “For everything I did.”

“It was a long time ago, Zac.”

“Still,” I looked up at her again and frowned. “You deserved better.”

“I did,” she nodded once, looking back at Taylor. 

“If it makes you feel any better, Taylor and Natalie slept together.”

She let out a small laugh and looked back at me.

“What?”

“Yep,” I nodded. “The night Tay ended up here.”

She shook her head, an incredulous look on her face.

“Wild.”

I grinned, shaking my head. Only around here does this kind of shit happen.

“You don’t seem all that upset by it.”

“I’m not,” I shrugged. “I can’t be. He almost died.”

“Not to mention, you did the same thing to her, with him.”

“There’s that.”

I’ll insist that it was different until I die, but I wouldn’t argue with Kate. Not here, not now, not ever. I’d put her through enough.

“Hey Kate,” Taylor’s voice came from the bed. We both looked over at him. Kate smiled.

“Hey, Tay.”

“What’re you doing here?”

“I just came to make sure you were okay, I’m in town to see Natalie.”

“Thanks,” Taylor smiled, then he looked at me and the smile left his face. “Wait, are you two still…”

“No,” we both answered at the same time, and then we both laughed, causing Taylor to chuckle a little bit as well.

“Okay, phew.”

“That’s been over for a long, long time,” Kate smiled, standing up. She gave Taylor a quick hug. “I’m going to go, I just wanted to say hi, make sure you were still here with us.”

“I’m here, you guys can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“We know,” Kate laughed again. She moved towards me and then seemed to think better of it, a frown forming on her face, just for a moment, just long enough for me to see it. “Bye, Zac.”

“Bye,” I held up my hand in a small wave, giving her a smile. She made it to the door and then I called her name. She turned her head back to me. “It was good to see you, you look good.”

She gave me a small smile and nodded before slipping out the door.

“Was that weird? I’m not sure if it was supposed to be weird and I’m just forgetting a lot of things, but it felt weird.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, looking at Taylor, who looked like he could afford a few more hours of sleep. “It was weird.”

“What happened with you two?”

“You don’t remember anything?”

“I remember you dating. I remember you breaking up. I think I remember you getting back together, but I’m not sure.”

“Well, we dated. We broke up. We got back together for a short time, and we broke up again.”

“How come?”

“Cause I was in love with someone else.”

“Who?”

“You, silly,” I laughed, swatting his arm.

“Oh, right,” he grinned. “I’m shocked she doesn’t hate me.”

“I think she hates me enough for the both of us.”

Another knock on the door. This place was starting to feel like social hour.

“Hello, gentlemen,” Doctor Jacobs walked into the room, accompanied by her ever present smile.

“Hey, Doc,” I said, kicking my feet back and forth on the tile floor.

“Good news,” She beamed. Actually beamed. “You,” she pointed at Taylor, “should be able to go home tomorrow, granted everything tonight comes out well.”

“Really?” We both said at once.

“Yup,” she nodded, walking around the bed and checking monitors and gadgets. “You’re healing nicely, everything is going better than expected. We don’t need to keep you chained up. _But!_ You will need to come in almost daily for a couple of weeks, and if anything gets weird or you don’t feel right, you’ll need to come back.”

“That’s great news,” I smiled at Taylor, getting out of here sounded amazing.

“You live alone, don’t you, Taylor?”

“I think so,” he looked at me.

“He does.”

“Not anymore,” she shook her head. “He’ll have to stay with you, at least for a while.”

“Not a problem.”

“Are you sure?” Taylor looked at me.

“Positive.”

“It’s settled then. You should be released first thing in the morning.”

“Awesome,” Taylor smiled and grabbed my wrist.

“I’ll just need to talk to Zac at some point, give him some instructions. So,” she looked at me. “Whenever you have some free time, you just have them page me. We’ll meet in the conference room.”

“Okay,” I tilted my head. That was weird, shouldn’t she be telling Taylor these things?

“I’ll see you two in a little while,” she smiled and let herself out.

“How exciting,” I smiled at Taylor, taking his hand in mine. “We get to bring you home.”

“Yeah,” he smiled back.

“I should go home, get you some new clothes, clean up a little bit.”

“You don’t have to clean up for me.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Taylor?”

We both laughed, but I could see on his face that he was exhausted. His eyes were heavy again, his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’m gonna call Zoe to come sit with you while I run home.”

“No, just leave me here. Some quiet would be nice. I’m going to sleep.”

“Are you sure?” I hated the thought of him here alone.

“Positive,” he nodded. He squeezed my fingers and brought my hand to his mouth, placing a small kiss on my knuckles. “Thank you for everything, Zac.”

 

Sitting in the conference room with Dr. Jacobs was starting to feel like a normal activity for me. A little over a week ago I could say that I’d never spent more than a couple of hours inside of a hospital, just long enough to visit someone who’d had a baby, or was sick. I guess there’s always room for changing.

“So,” Dr. Jacobs folded her hands on the table in front of her and gave me a warm smile. “You must be really happy to be taking Taylor home.”

“I am,” I nodded, smiling. I could finally tolerate the overzealousness of her cheery nature.

“I wanted to talk to you about something-“ she tilted her head, maybe trying to read the openness of my face, ‘ask you something.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Your relationship with Taylor, it seems like it’s very important to you. You’ve barely left this hospital since he’s been here.”

“He’s my brother.”

“Your other brother hasn’t been here that often, in fact, I’ve only seen him here once.”

“Taylor and I have always been the closest out of our siblings,” I shrugged. “It’s always been that way.”

“Zac,” she smiled again, leaning forward a little bit. “I like you enough to speak openly with you, so, I’m going to let you know a little secret about me. I’m not an idiot.”

I felt my eyes widen a little bit, and my arms instinctively crossed over my chest. I didn’t like being put on the spot, I especially didn’t like being put on the spot about my unconventional relationship.

“I’m not judging you, and I’m not going to have the reaction you probably expect, but I walked in Taylor’s room earlier today to check on him, and I saw you two asleep. You had him wrapped up in your arms protectively, you were holding his hand.”

“So?” I interjected. I was ready to defend myself.

“So, I’m just letting you know that what I saw there showed me something very special. What I’ve seen in you this past week shows me something very special. You love him, that much is clear.”

She sat back, waiting for me to say something. There were probably a hundred things I could say. I could deny it, I could tell her she’s crazy, that she’s disgusting, we’re brothers, nothing more. But, I didn’t want to. I found myself breathing out, a weight slowly lifting off my chest. I nodded slowly, I could feel the backs of my eyes prickling, why was I such a baby lately?

“Does he love you back?”

“Yes,” I breathed. “Very much.”

“Then remind him,” she leaned forward on the table again, her eyes were intense. “Love is the most powerful thing in the world. Remind him, remind him every day, and love him. He will come back to you.”

 

 

-

 

“Wake up sleepyhead.”

I opened my eyes and hovering over me was long brown hair, dark eyes. She smelled like pineapples. 

“Kate,” I smiled, wrapping my arms around her back and pulling her down on top of me. I hugged her tight, burying my face in her neck, her hair wrapping itself around my head.

She laughed and kissed me on the cheek.

“Good morning.”

“Morning,” I said into her neck. “What’re you doing here?”

“We’ve got wedding stuff to do today!”

She pulled herself off of me and walked to my dresser, pulling out pants and a shirt. I watched her with amazement, it had to be early. 

“Come on, up and at ‘em!” She walked back over to me, grabbing my hand and pulling me off the mattress. 

“Don’t wanna,” I grumbled, pulling her back down onto the bed with me. I turned us onto our sides, wrapping myself around her. “Let’s sleep.”

“We can’t sleep, Taylor and Natalie are downstairs waiting, we have so much to do and no time.”

“No one told them to get married so fast,” I rolled my eyes even though she couldn’t see me. I didn’t even want to go to this wedding, much less be involved in all this planning crap.

“I’m still so surprised you’re not his best man.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re his best friend.”

“Yeah, well,” I sighed, letting go of her and climbing over her, standing up out of the bed.

I was pulling on my shirt when she said something that made me consider jumping out the window.

“You know, I’ve been thinking, maybe it is time for me to move over here.”

I turned to face her, my shirt half on.

“What?”

“I mean, everyone I’m close to is here now, right?”

“Kate,” I shook my head, pulling the rest of my shirt on. I sat down, pulling on my socks and shoes. “I don’t want to be responsible for you moving here.”

“You’re not,” she crossed her arms.

“Look, it’s not like _we’re_ going to be getting married.”

She squinted her eyes. That wasn’t good.

“I wasn’t suggesting we get married.”

“Then what are you suggesting?”

“I just think maybe it’s time we do something? We’ve been dating for a long time.”

“That’s all we’re doing, dating.”

“What is your malfunction?” She shook her head, looking at me as if I were an alien. “What am I not giving you that you need?”

I stood up and sighed, walking over to her. 

“Look, I don’t want to fight. I’m just not ready, okay?”

“Are you ever going to be ready?”

“I don’t know.”

She frowned, dropping her hands to her sides.

“Figure it out, Zac. I’m not just going to wait here forever.”

“Kate, I’m sixteen,” I shook my head. “I’m not ready to be thinking about things like moving in and getting married.”

Her shoulders dropped a little and she pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head.

“Sometimes I forget you’re a little younger.”

“Yeah.”

“We should just go, they’re waiting for us.”

“Right,” I grabbed her hand and we walked out the door, down the stairs, to something I’d rather get a root canal than be a part of. 

 

We spent too long looking at color swatches in the bridal shop, and I wasn’t really sure why I needed to be there for that, I’m not really sure why I needed to be there at all. Every time I’d catch Taylor’s eye, he’d shrug and look away, dropping an ‘ooh’ or an ‘ahh’ in all the right places to please Natalie.

Kate came out in a knee length red dress, it hugged her in all the right places, and she looked beautiful. She walked up to where I was sitting, she was smiling, and she twirled around.

“What do you think?”

“You look beautiful,” I smiled up at her. 

“She thinks this is the one.”

“It should be,” I stood up and wrapped my arm around her waist, laying a kiss on her mouth. “I’m going to go get some air, okay?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, leaning in and hugging me before scurrying back off to the dressing room.

 

Taylor found me outside, sitting on the sidewalk, my back up against the brick of the shop.

“Whatcha doing?” He asked, sliding down the wall to sit next to me. I turned my head to look at him.

“Escaping.”

“Huh?”

“I’m having a hard time with this, okay?”

He took my hand in his, taking each of my fingers one by one and folding them through his, and he smiled.

“It’ll be okay.”

“Tay,” I looked up and down the street, was he suddenly a risk taker?

“It’s okay.”

I watched his eyes and then nodded my head, squeezing his hand.

“You’re making my life difficult.”

“What do you mean?”

“Now Kate wants to move here, she wants to talk about getting married. Says I’m making her wait around too long.”

“Married? You can’t get married.”

“I know.”

“Is that what you want?”

“What? To move in with her and get married?”

“Yeah,” Taylor shrugged, the fingers of his other hand drawing lines on my wrist.

“No,” I pulled on his hand so he was closer to me. “I want you.”

“You have me.”

“No I don’t, not really. Not anymore.”

“Hey, you’ll always have me.”

“Really, because it doesn’t feel like it.”

“Zac,” he put a finger on my cheek and turned my head so I was looking at him again. “I’m not going anywhere, I’m here.”

“You’re about to get married, Tay.”

“Maybe you should, too.”

“What?” I shook my head. “I don’t understand you. How could you want this? If you love me, how can you want this for us?”

He let out a sigh, dropping my hand and letting his fall down by his sides.

“It’s not like what we have can ever be bigger than what it is.”

I looked at him and shook my head, I didn’t understand.

“We can never be public. No one can ever know about us, the rest of our lives, we’re going to be this secret, this private thing. We might as well do what's expected of us at the same time.”

He was right. I knew he was right. That didn’t make me hate it any less. It seemed unfair, that we could fall so far in love and have to keep it to ourselves. It wasn’t our fault, we didn’t ask to be born into the same family, we didn’t ask to fall for one another. Deep down inside of me, I knew that what Taylor and I had was wrong, I knew it was sick, and that if people ever found out, we faced trouble, but I loved him so much that I’d never really cared. I couldn’t care. 

I pushed myself off the ground and onto my feet, I frowned, looking down on him.

“If that’s what you want to do, that’s fine, I guess I just love you a little bit more.”

“Zac,” He pulled himself to his feet and reached for me, but I backed up.

“No, forget it, Taylor. Tell Kate I needed to go home, I wasn’t feeling good.”

“Zac, don’t go.”

“I need to get the fuck away from you for a bit, Taylor,” I spat, I could feel my face heating up. “Honestly, just let me get away from you.”

“At least go to my house, Kate will be upset if you vanish on her, she’s only here for one more day.”

“Fine,” I turned and started my walk down the street.

“We’ll be home soon,” he called to my back. 

I didn’t know how it was so easy for him, this double life we had going. There were days when I’d look at Kate, and I’d think that I could probably be happy with her, someday, in a place far away from Taylor, but for as long as he were here, for as long as him and I were doing this dance we’d been doing for most of our lives, I didn’t know how to be fully happy with someone else. I didn’t know how he did. 

 

I was woken up by a hand trailing over my stomach, finding it’s way underneath the waistband of my boxers, pushing them down. My eyes closed, my first thought was Taylor, doing his Taylor thing, let Zac down and then make it up to him with an orgasm. But, the hand wrapping itself around me was to small, the fingers too thin, the skin too smooth. I opened one eye and Kate was sitting over me, her hair falling in between us, her lip pulled between her teeth, concentrating on the job she was starting to do.

We’d never done this before. Sex for us was always just sex, there was never any foreplay, not too much extra touching. I opened my other eye and let out a low groan, stretching my legs out in front of me. Her head snapped up, her eyes meeting mine, she grinned.

“Hey,”

“Hey there,” I grinned back, her hand moving slow, unsure. “What’re you doin’?”

“Taylor said you weren’t feeling good,” she whispered. “I wanted to make you feel better.”

“Oh yeah?” I breathed. I leaned my head back, she was picking up pace, growing more confident.

“Yeah,” she leaned down and kissed me quick before sitting back up. “Is it working?”

“Mmhmm,” I pressed my lips shut, there was no telling where in the house Natalie or Taylor were.

“Good,” she whispered, her other hand finding a place on my thigh. She was stroking me in earnest now, not too fast, but fast enough, not too rough, but not exactly gentle either.

“Come here,” I reached for her free hand and pulled her on top of me, my hands finding their way under her skirt. I was starting to really love those skirts. I pushed her panties aside and gripped her hips, moving her so she was positioned right, before slowly placing her down on me. She tossed her head back and whimpered as I entered her. 

I rocked her hips with my hands, both of our breathing getting louder, more gruff. 

She leaned down so her mouth was pressed to the skin under my ear.

“You don’t have to say it, but I love you.”

I thrusted into her harder, faster. I felt her teeth close down gently on that soft skin under my ear and I couldn’t help myself, I didn’t care if Taylor heard us, maybe I wanted him to.

When I opened my eyes and saw him standing there in the doorway, his eyes locked on me, his mouth slightly open, I put a hand on Kate’s neck. She took that to mean I liked what she was doing, kissing and sucking on my skin, and she went at it a little harder. 

Our eyes locked, he was staring at me, emotionless, watching me slide in and out of her. 

I don’t know if it was Kate moaning my name into my ear, or Taylor’s eyes watching every move I made, maybe a combination of the two, but fireworks exploded behind my eyes, and I came, the hardest I’d ever come. Seconds later, Kate came, her body loosening, dropping on top of me. She was panting in my ear, his chest was rising and falling quickly. 

I smiled at him, and he shook his head, walking out of the room and down the hallway.


	15. Chapter 15

Isaac had met me at the hospital the next morning to help me bring Taylor home, get him settled. The thought of not spending another night in that chair filled me with such happiness, I didn’t even think it was possible to describe it. 

I was surprised that when Isaac showed up, he’d brought Zoe along with him, but I wasn’t disappointed. Her arrival back in my life was one of the only highlights of this entire ordeal, and I should have been paying more attention to her, putting more effort into building a relationship back up with her. Taylor had kept me pretty preoccupied, though, and I was glad we were about to settle back into home, so I could focus on other things. 

We’d spent about an hour packing up the things we’d accumulated in the hospital, cleaning up a little bit of our mess. Taylor was thrilled to see Isaac, he’d made a couple of comments about how Isaac’s face hadn’t changed like mine. He still wasn’t totally wrapping his mind around the fact that I had only lost some weight. 

While Doctor Jacobs and her nurse were in with Taylor, explaining to him all of the guidelines of his release and going over paperwork with him, I pulled Isaac and Zoe into the hallway to let them know where he was with his memory.

“So he knows now that you guys are together, but he doesn’t remember for how long, how it started, none of it?” Isaac shook his head, his arms crossed, one hand resting on his chin.

“Right,” I nodded. “Like I said, Mom was in here while I was away with Natalie, and she told him. I don’t even know exactly what she said to him.”

Zoe sighed, touching my arm.

“I’m sorry, Zac. I told her not to come here. I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth.”

“It’s not your fault, Zo,” I smiled at her. “I know how-“ I’d have to choose my words here, “ _convincing_ Mom can be.”

“So, what are your plans for this?” Isaac brought my attention back to him.

“What do you mean?”

“What are you going to do once you’re home? It’s going to be pretty hard to settle back into your normal routine with him when he barely remembers anything.”

I shrugged, running a hand through my hair. I really needed to get that cut.

“I don’t know. I guess I’ll take it slow, try to let it come back to him. There isn’t anything else I can do, I don’t think.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Zoe nodded, as the door to Taylor’s room opened and the nurse wheeled him into the hallway. He smiled up at me.

“Take me home, Captain.”

 

When we got to my house and I pushed Taylor inside, Isaac holding the door open for us, he looked around and then looked up at me. 

“I remember this place.”

“Do you?” I smiled down at him, pushing him into the living room.

“Yeah, the bathroom is green, right?”

I laughed. The main bathroom was, indeed green. A color I wasn’t all that fond of, but I’d never bothered to re-paint it after moving in.

“It is.”

“Weird.”

He looked around the living room. There were pictures of us, pictures of the kids, in frames everywhere, on the walls, on the bookshelves. The upside to dating someone who fancied themselves an amateur photographer. I watched his eyes scan over each and every photograph of us. The ones from when we took a trip to London last year, the ones from when we took the kids to Disney World. Pictures of our life together, spread out all over this room. We were smiling and happy in all of them, we were touching in almost every single one. We were boldly and clearly in love. 

“Wow,” he breathed, looking back up at me. I smiled again, nodding my head. 

“I think we’ll leave you guys to it,” Zoe spoke up, walking to where we were. “Can I come back tomorrow?”

“Of course,” I smiled, throwing an arm around her shoulders and pulling her in. “You can come over any time.”

“Yeah?” She grinned.

“Yeah.”

She wrapped an arm around my waist and hugged me, and then leaned down and hugged Taylor.

“Love you guys.”

“Love you, too.” We both said.

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow, too,” Isaac smiled, clapping me on the back and then, more gently, doing the same to Taylor.

 

Taylor’s legs were still a little week, a side effect of being in a bed for over a week, so getting him set up comfortably was a two person job. I’d arranged my bedroom to make life easy for him. Put a bigger table by the bed, put every remote control he could possibly need, along with my record player and a stack of records and CD’s, on top of it. I’d stacked pillows at the headboard so he could sit up comfortably to read or watch TV. He settled down, leaning on the pillows and stretching.

“This is way better than that hospital bed.”

“You’re telling me,” I laughed. I sat down on the edge of the bed next to him. “This is the only bed in the house. You’ll sleep here for as long as you need, I’ll take the couch.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Yes I do, you need to be comfortable so you can recover.”

“Zac,” he rolled his eyes. “We’re apparently in a very committed relationship. You can sleep in the bed.”

I laughed, rubbing my face.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I know it’s a lot, everything that’s happening.”

“You’re the one thing making me comfortable.”

There was a spark of something in his eyes. Was it a memory? Was it love? I didn’t know, and I wasn’t going to ask, but it gave me hope. It made me feel at ease. 

 

-

 

It was the day. And I was drunk.

We’d started drinking a little bit in the hotel room while we were getting ready, Isaac keeping a good watch on me and how much I consumed, being I was underage, but hell, so was Taylor, and no one was watching him. 

During the ceremony, I scoffed loudly during the part about forsaking all others, causing Isaac to elbow me. It’d been 48 hours since Taylor and I had slept together. 48 hours since he hadn’t forsaken me. 48 hours since I had been under him, in his bed that he shares with the woman he was currently vowing to spend the rest of his life with. 

The thought made me sick.

When the ceremony was over and we’d made our way back down the aisle, I snatched a bottle of Jack from the makeshift bar set up for cocktail hour and walked outside. It was hot, humid and disgusting outside and I felt like I was suffocating in this get up. Who has a wedding in June in Atlanta and forces people to wear tuxes? It’s rude, is what it is.

When Kate found me, I was sitting on one of those cement wheel bumpers in the far corner of the parking lot. I was holding the, now half empty, bottle of Jack between my legs, my head down, my hair hanging in my face. She sat down gingerly next to me and placed her hand on my back, rubbing tiny circles into the fabric of my tux jacket.

“You okay?”

“Mmhmm.”

“You don’t look okay.”

“‘m fine, Kate,” I moved down the cement so I was further away from her. I couldn’t take her touching me right then.

“I think maybe you’ve had enough,” she leaned over and reached for the bottle. I pulled it out of her reach.

“No,” I looked up at her, shaking my head. “I haven’t.”

“Zac, what’s going on with you?”

“Just leave it alone, Kate.”

I took a long swig out of the bottle and hung my head again. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to be next to her, I didn’t want anything except to be left alone in my misery.

She stood up and moved in front of me. She had a small run in her nylons, smack dab between her knee and ankle. I stared at it so hard that it began to blur.

“We’re going to be heading to the reception soon, you need to get it together,” 

I looked up at her slowly. Her arms were crossed over her chest, her face was a mix of anger and disgust. 

“ _You’re_ not _my_ wife, don’t tell me what to do.”

Her eyes widened and then she squinted down at me, snatching the bottle out of my hand.

“Get up, Zachary. Quit being such an asshole, straighten it out, get your ass in there and support your brother.“ she grabbed my arm and yanked me to my feet. Her sudden strength surprised me, so did her tone. “Your best friend just got married in there. You’re so selfish sometimes.”

She turned on her heel, my stolen bottle of Jack in her hand, and speed walked back inside. 

 

 

“How could you get this drunk?” Isaac was standing in front of me, his finger pointed in my face. 

“I drank?”

“Don’t be a smartass. Your girlfriend is in the bathroom crying. Your brother just got married. There is something wrong with you.”

“You’re right,” I shrugged. “There’s something wrong with me.”

“Take these,” he shoved a bottle of eyedrops into my hand. “Go in the bathroom, put them in your eyes. Wash your face. Get your shit together, and get back out here.”

“I think I’m just gonna leave,” I turned away from him and took a step towards the door before he grabbed me by the back of my collar.

“You are out of your fucking mind,” he stepped close to me, our faces inches apart, his hand now clutching the neckline of my jacket. “You will drink some water, and you will stay here until this wedding is over. Now go.”

He released me, pushing me back slightly as he did.

I stared at him, considering arguing back, but decided it’d probably work out better for me if I didn’t. I turned away from him and made my way through the room full of tables, family I hadn’t seen in years sitting at some of them, and snatched two glasses of champagne off of a passing waiters tray, before stumbling into the hallway and pushing the door to the bathroom open. I clicked the lock behind me and jumped up to sit on the counter, draining one of my two champagne flutes directly down my throat. 

I’d never been this drunk before. I’d only drank a handful of times, all of them with Taylor, none of them to this extreme. I guess I’d never really had a reason like this, before. 

As I was lifting my second champagne flute to my lips, there was knocking at the door. They could find a different bathroom. I poured a gulp of champagne into my mouth and swallowed. I really hated the stuff, but it would do, since _someone_ took off with my Jack. 

“Zac,” I looked up at the door, dropping the flute from my lips. “Zac, it’s me, let me in.”

I placed my glass on the counter top and pushed myself off of it. I unlocked the door and opened it, Taylor was standing there, his face screwed up in worry, his hair perfect, his suit fitted perfectly.

He pushed into the bathroom and shut the door, re-locking it.

“What are you doing?”

“Drinking,” I mumbled, walking back to the sink and jumping back onto it. I picked up my glass, dumping the rest of its contents into my mouth and then dropped it back onto the counter.

“I think you should stop doing that.”

“Why?”

“You’re bombed,” he walked to me, stopping between my open knees. “Why are you so drunk?”

“Well,” I put my fingertip to my chin and tapped it a few times, looking him in the eyes. “I drank a half a bottle of Jack, but then Kate stole it. And now I’ve had two of these.” I held up my empty glass, dropping it again.

“You’re going to break that,” Taylor shook his head, picking up both empty glasses and placing them gently in the sink.

“Who cares?”

“What’s your deal?” He placed his palms on my knees, slowly running his fingers up and down.

“You’re married.”

“Seems that way.”

“That’s my deal,” I shrugged.

“You knew it was coming.”

“Still hate it,” I slapped the top of his right hand, then his left.

“I’m sorry,” he frowned, shaking his head a little bit. “I want you to be happy.”

“Yeah, well,” I shrugged again. “I love you, so.”

“I love you, too, you know that.”

“Don’t feel it today.”

He frowned again and then leaned in and kissed me, his hands sliding from my thighs to around my waist.

“Tay,” I said into his mouth.

“Shh,” 

“No, Tay,” I pushed him away, jumping off of the counter and almost falling over. “‘m gonna puke.”

I made it into the stall, falling to my knees just in time. 

Taylor rubbed my back and smoothed my hair while I threw up, whispering it’ll be okay’s and shhing me. When I was confident that I was done, he lead me back to the sink, helping clean me up. He grabbed the toothpaste out of the amenities basket on the counter and told me to hold my finger out. He squeezed some onto my finger tip and then placed it under running water.

“Brush your teeth with your finger,” he smiled, watching as I listened. 

I finger-brushed my teeth until I was satisfied that my mouth didn’t smell like vomit anymore, and then I rinsed my hands, leaning them on the counter and hanging my head. I felt stupid and immature and exactly like the kind of person someone like Taylor would never want to marry.

“Hey,” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist, laying his chin on my shoulder. I lifted my face and met his eyes in the mirror. “You’ll feel better after you eat.”

“Yeah.”

He turned his face and kissed my cheek, squeezing his arms just a little bit around me. I put a wet hand on his neck and turned my head, pressing my lips to his. He smiled against my mouth and kissed me back, he tasted like peppermint gum, his lips were soft, and eager, and mine. They were supposed to be mine.

“Tay,” I moved my face back just enough to see his eyes.

“Yeah?” 

“I want you.”

“Me too,” he pulled my mouth back to his, but I pushed him away.

“No, I want you. _Now_.”

“Now?” He looked around the empty bathroom. I nodded.

“Now.”

He pulled my face towards his, kissing me, faster this time. Hungrier. His hands slid from my stomach where they were resting to the belt on my tuxedo pants. He undid them quickly, pushing them down so that they landed in a heap around my ankles. I felt his hands leave me, heard his belt buckle clinging as he undid it, and when his hands came back to me, he pulled me against him, my back flush against his stomach. 

“You have to be quiet,” he said into my ear. 

“Okay,” I whispered back.

He bent me a little, I watched him in the mirror as he looked down between us, biting his lip. He looked up, meeting my eyes in the mirror and then he was pushing into me, quickly, his hands landing on top of mine on the counter. It hurt and my knees wanted to give out, but I held myself up on the counter. I’d have this, if I had to endure this day, this sham of a wedding, I would come away from it knowing I had this.

His eyes met mine in the mirror again as he thrust into me, harder, quicker each time. His lip was in its place between his teeth, his hair falling out of place. I let out a moan as his fingers wrapped around me, his other hand shooting to my mouth, covering it.

“Shhh,” his eyes flashed something I’d never seen in them before. It didn’t look too much like love.

He dropped his hand from it’s place covering my mouth and leaned it on the counter in front of us. Our eyes still locked in on each other in the mirror, but something had changed in his. He wasn’t looking at me the way he normally did, he wasn’t touching me the way that had been ingrained in my memory. He was still stroking me, but his hand was moving fast and rough, his thrusts speeding up even more. He slammed into me, over and over, his hand finding it’s way on top of mine on the counter, his nails digging into my skin. 

“Come on,” he growled in my ear, our eyes meeting in the mirror again. 

“Hmm?” I couldn’t speak, I could barely even breathe. I wasn’t sure how I was going to walk after this was over.

“Come, Zac,” he turned his face so his lips were pressed against the skin of my neck, his teeth biting down, just a little bit, just enough so that I could feel it. “Come.”

He flicked his wrist, pumping me even faster, I could feel him tense as I felt him come into me, his low, throaty moan sending me into my own orgasm. 

He leaned against me for a few seconds, his chest rising and falling rapidly, and then he pulled out of me, backing up and zipping his pants. He looked at me for a second and then looked away, pulling a paper towel out of the dispenser and wiping his hands.

“I have to go,” he said tossing the paper towel into the trash.

 

And he did, leaving me still leaning against the bathroom sink, to clean up all of the messes we had made.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone reading this. It's been a long time since I've posted my work anywhere for anyone to read. Even if you're silently reading, I appreciate it. :) 
> 
> Updates might slow down a little with camp nanowrimo happening this month.

The first day with Taylor at home was quiet. He was exhausted, and he slept on and off, waking up to ask for water or food a few times. I spent most of the day sitting in my bed next to him, my back resting on the headboard, watching him breathe, being thankful that he was even lying in my bed, in my house, next to me. 

I must have drifted off to sleep, because I was awoken by a hand shaking my shoulder. I opened my eyes and looked over at the clock, 3:45 in the morning.

“Hey,” I heard from next to me.

I turned my head and smiled, seeing Taylor laying there on his side. I had almost forgotten he was here. 

“Hey.”

“My head hurts.”

“What?” I pushed myself into a sitting position and put my hand lightly on his forehead. “Are you okay, should I call Doctor Jacobs?”

“No, no,” he smiled, shaking his head. “I just need some advil or something.”

“Are you sure?” I hopped out of bed and sprinted into the bathroom, grabbing the bottle of advil and shaking two out into my hand. I walked over to his side of the bed and sat down next to him, holding them out. “Do you need help sitting up?”

“I don’t think so,” he winced as he pushed himself into a sitting position. He took the pills from my hand and put them in his mouth, picking up his glass of water from the nightstand and swallowing them. “How long have I been asleep?”

I glanced at the clock again and then shrugged.

“Pretty much all day.”

“I’m awake now.”

“Looks that way,” I grinned.

“I love this movie,” Taylor smiled, nodding towards the television that was across from the bed, the volume turned all the way down.

“The Notebook? Really?” I laughed and shook my head.

“Yeah,” he smiled, looking over at me. “It’s a beautiful story. Just shows you that real love never really goes away, no matter what.”

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to climb on top of him and smother all of him with all of me, never to separate my body from his ever again. I’d felt real love for most of my life, and in between then and now so many things have happened that should have torn that from me, should have snuffed it out, turned it to hate, and nothing ever did. Real love never really goes away. Maybe The Notebook wasn’t so bad after all. 

“You okay?” He squinted his eyes as I shook my head to pull myself out of my thoughts.

“Yeah,” I smiled. “Just thinking.”

I turned my head to look at the TV. The idiot guy in the movie was hanging off of a ferris wheel. I know what could end real love pretty quick, falling off a ferris wheel and dying.

I pushed back on the bed and leaned against the headboard, grabbing the remote to turn the volume up. If Taylor loved The Notebook, we’d watch The Notebook. We sat there in silence, watching those two southern kids fall in love, and right around the time they’d found themselves in that house that was in desperate need of a remodel, finally having sex for the first time, Taylor reached over and slid his hand underneath mine, intertwining our fingers. I looked down at our clasped hands and smiled.

Maybe he remembered more than he thought he did. 

 

-

 

It was Christmas and I’d barely seen Taylor since his wedding. He’d avoided me at every chance he could, never looking directly at me, finding excuses not to speak to me. Everyone just assumed he was mad at me for getting drunk at the wedding, but when it kept going on, they’d all assumed that something bigger had transpired between us that we just didn’t want to talk about. We both just allowed them to think whatever they wanted, and eventually they all stopped asking. 

All of them, except for Kate, that is. 

I don’t even know why she was still around. How I’d treated her leading up to the wedding, and at the wedding, was bad enough, but I’d been a cranky douchebag ever since, and I very well knew it. I was drowning without Taylor. Every day he was gone poked another hole in my life raft, and I was almost at the point where I was going to go completely under. 

I knew I needed to do something to fix my life. Every day my Mom told me she just wanted to see me smile again, every time I saw Kate she mentioned how she missed the old me. I missed the old me, too. More than she could ever know.

So, I’d hatched a plan. I had to get over him. It wasn’t even an option anymore. He’d obviously decided that his life was better with Natalie and without me, so I’d do what I had to do to make my own life better. 

I was going to propose to Kate. 

If I married her, I’d have to fall in love with her, right? It would just be the natural order of things. And then slowly, I’d fall out of love with Taylor, and I’d have a normal life. I was sure of it. 

So, a few weeks before Christmas, I’d sat my parents down at our old kitchen table and I’d laid my plan out for them. At first they were a bit taken aback. They’d expressed how I was only 17, I wasn’t even a legal adult yet, and maybe I should wait. Once I’d explained to them that I was older than my age, and that I wasn’t all that much younger than Taylor was when he proposed to Natalie, they’d relented and agreed that it wouldn’t be the worst idea, as long as we had an at least year long engagement. 

I’d asked them not to tell anyone else. I knew if Isaac found out, he’d inevitably sit me down for a long conversation on how it could be nothing but a giant mistake to get married so young. He’d never liked Kate, and I didn’t think he ever would, and I didn’t want to deal with fighting off his insistences on how I should run my life. 

 

So, I found myself standing in the middle of my bedroom on Christmas evening, pacing back and forth, the ring box in my hand. I’d tell her how much she means to me, I’d tell her I couldn’t see my life with anyone else. I’d ask her to be with me forever.

The thought made me want to throw up. 

I’m not sure if it was the thought of being with Kate forever, or the thought of saying those things in front of Taylor, and everyone else, but my stomach was in knots. My palms were sweaty and to be honest, so was the rest of me. 

There was a knock at my door and I shoved the ring box into my pocket, turning as Kate walked in.

“Hey,” she smiled walking over to me. “You look nice.”

“So do you,” I smiled, kissing her gently. 

I had dressed up a little bit, for me at least. A button down and some jeans that didn’t have holes in them. She really did look great, in a nice green dress that came down to her knees, her hair pulled up in a cute little bun on the top of her head.

“Everyone's waiting for you,” she said, wrapping her hand around mine and walking me to the door. 

 

When we got downstairs, everyone was oohing and ahhing over Taylor and Natalie’s kid dressed in his little Santa suit. 

Ezra was born on Halloween, a cute little redheaded pumpkin. He looked just like Taylor, and it made my heart hurt a little bit to look at him for too long. I had convinced myself that if it weren’t for Ezra, this thing with Natalie would have fizzled out eventually, and then he’d have been mine, like he was supposed to be. I knew that that wasn’t fair to the kid, he was just a baby, but I couldn’t help the way I felt.

Taylor looked up when he heard Kate and I coming down the stairs and he frowned, quickly looking back at his child. I was growing tired of him avoiding my gaze, avoiding me all together. 

Fitting our natural born family along with their girlfriends (and now wives, weird) in our house was already a struggle, and then on Christmas my parents insisted on inviting other family members. Aunts and Uncles and cousins we never saw, except on holidays. It made the house stifling and claustrophobic, and I typically hated every second of these big holidays, shoved in a room with so many people. But, that night, I was particularly uncomfortable, counting down the time until I was going to make the biggest proclamation of my life thus far. What if she said no? What if I was embarrassed in front of my entire family tree?

Throughout the entire dinner and dessert I felt a little queasy, a little unwell. My mom asked me a couple of times why I looked so green in the face, to which I just shrugged. She’d know why, if she thought about it. 

 

Do you know how long it takes for so many people to exchange gifts? A long time. With every gift that was exchanged, I could see the look of disappointment on Kate’s face that I hadn’t given her anything grow. I’m sure, to her I had just forgotten to get her anything. To her I wasn’t waiting for the last gift to be opened before I stood up and potentially made a giant idiot of myself.

Finally, when the last present was unwrapped (a giant stuffed elephant for Ezra), I pushed myself off of the couch where I was sitting squished in between Kate and Natalie. 

“I, um-“ I started, flipping my hair back out of my face. “I have something I want to say.”

Every eye in the room landed on me. I felt Taylor, who was sitting next to Natalie, Ezra on his lap, staring at me, his head tilted a little bit to the side. 

“Um-“ My forehead started to sweat. Maybe I didn’t think this through. “So, Kate. I know you noticed you didn’t get a gift from me.” I had a whole speech planned. I practiced. In the _mirror._ It was all gone. “But, um. I did. I did get you a gift, and I have it, here. On me.”

Kate was looking up at me, a smile on her face, but in her eyes I could see that she was wondering if maybe I was going a little bit insane. 

“I know that I haven’t always been the easiest to get along with, or, um, the nicest person in the world to you,” I was hopping a little from one foot to the other now, my hands were shaking a little bit so I was just moving them around by my legs. I was glad there wasn’t a mirror behind the couch.

“But, um. So, we’ve been together for more than two years now, and uh-“ I slid my hand in my pocket and pulled the box out. I heard Taylor exhale loudly next to Natalie, Kate’s eyes grew huge. “You’re the best person I know, and you deserve to be the happiest person in the world, so-“

I moved a step closer to her and dropped down on one knee, moving my hair out of my face with my other hand. I opened the ring box and her eyes got even larger. She was looking from the ring to my face, back to the ring, over and over again. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the smile on Natalie’s face, it was huge. Her hands were clapping a little bit.

“Will you- maybe- marry me?”

Everything was silent for six hours. It was probably more like six seconds, but you don’t know how slow time moves in a moment like that. Then, suddenly, Kate practically launched herself at me. Her arms were around me, her face pressed to mine.

“Yes!” 

Everyone in the room erupted into cheers, they were clapping, I could hear people saying how great it was.

Kate was crying, holding on to me tightly. We were smiling and kissing and hugging, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Taylor get up off the couch and leave the room.

 

When all of the hugging and exclaiming over how beautiful Kate’s ring was got to be a little too much for me, I told her I needed some air, and I excused myself to the back yard, leaving her with all of my overly excited family members.

I walked down the three porch steps and that’s when I saw him. Taylor, sitting on the old tire swing, his back to me. There was smoke floating around his head, one of his beloved clove cigarettes hanging between his fingers, down by his side. 

I walked slowly up to the tire swing, hoping he wouldn’t hear me so he wouldn’t have a chance to run away. He wasn’t going to avoid me this time.

I stepped around the tire swing, standing on the opposite side.

“Hi.”

He looked up at me, took a drag of his clove and then looked back at the ground, blowing it out. The moonlight reflected off of the strip of his dirty blonde hair that fell in front of his face. He was beautiful. 

I stepped into the circle of the tire swing, one leg, and then the other, and sat down lightly. I weighed more than him and I didn’t want to send him off balance. I didn’t want to do anything that would make him get up and leave. 

“Hi,” I said again, kicking the tip of my sneaker against the tip of his.

“What do you want?” He didn’t look up, just lifted his clove to his lips again, taking a long drag before blowing it out. The sweet scent floated around us, the moon shining through the smoke. It almost glittered. 

“Why do you hate me?”

He looked up at me then, and I couldn’t read his face. He might have been mad, he could have been sad. 

“I don’t.”

“You haven’t talked to me in months, I haven’t seen you.”

He sighed, taking another drag. I held my hand out and he squinted his eyes a little, tilting his head. I’d always hated that he smoked.

“Come on, I want to try it.”

He reluctantly held it out to me and I held it between my fingers, looking at it for a second before placing it between my lips. It was damp from his and it tasted like his mouth. I’d know that taste anywhere.

I took a tentative drag, sucking the sweet smoke in before letting it out. It wasn’t so bad, I could see how he liked it. I took one more drag before holding it back out to him. He took it as I exhaled, my body feeling slightly calmer. If that’s what those things did to you, I might pick up his habit. 

“Tay, why have you been avoiding me?”

I put my hands on the ropes, wrapping my fingers around them and moved my feet in the dirt so we were swinging back and forth, just slightly. 

“Zac,” he looked at the ground again, tossing his clove into the dirt and stepping on it. “I don’t want to do this right now.”

“Then when?”

“Never?” He looked up at me and shook his head.

“Tay.”

“What? What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me why you’ve been avoiding me,” I wanted to yell it. I wanted to scream at him, but I also wanted him to sit here with me. I wanted him to tell me why, and I knew raising my voice would just cause him to up and leave me. He was good at leaving me. 

“I’ve been avoiding you for your own good.”

“What?” I shook my head. That didn’t make any sense. 

“All I’ve ever done is hurt you.”

“That’s not true.”

“But it is,” he reached up and wrapped his hands around the ropes, just under mine. His thumbs were touching my pinky fingers. “I married Natalie, I had a baby with her. I made a choice, and stringing you along with me while I made that choice did nothing but cause you pain.”

“I’m in more pain without you,” I looked down at my thighs. He was right, he’d hurt me in ways I never even knew it was possible to hurt before it happened to me, but not having him at all was the ultimate pain. A pain that should only be reserved for the worst kind of humans. A pain I didn’t believe I deserved. 

“Well, you have Kate now. I assume she’ll be moving here since you’re getting married.” 

I looked back up at him and he was staring at me, his eyes boring into mine. We stayed like that for a minute before he rolled his eyes and looked away, digging his pack out of his pocket and sticking another clove between his lips. He lit it, shoving the pack and lighter back into his pocket.

“Why is me having Kate such a problem? You have Natalie.”

“It’s not a problem.”

“Well, it sounds like a problem.”

I held my hand out for his clove again. This time I took a longer drag, and I choked on it a little. He laughed, reaching over and patting me on the back before taking the clove back away from me.

“You’re not a smoker, Zac.”

“I can be if I want to be.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

“How come you get to do all these things, and then when I want to do them, you don’t want me to?”

He looked at me again, studying my face. He sighed, taking a drag and then holding it out for me to take, which I did.

“Listen,” he exhaled. “I want better for you than for me, okay? In more ways than one.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I want you to _do_ better than me. I want you to _be_ better than me. And you deserve better than being in a secret relationship with your married brother for the rest of your life.”

“What about what I want?”

“It’s what you think you want,” he shook his head, taking the clove back. “You think you want this, because it’s all you’ve ever known.”

“No,” I shook my head, putting my feet flat on the ground so we weren’t swinging anymore. “No. That’s not true. I want you because I love you.”

He scooted forward on the tire a little and leaned towards me, taking both of my cheeks in his hands.

“I love you, so fucking much,” he was staring into my eyes again. “I love you so fucking much, okay? It eats me up inside how much. I need better for you. I need you to move on, fall in love with Kate. Marry Kate. Have a hundred beautiful babies with Kate and forget about me.”

I let go of the rope and put my hands on his wrists, wrapping my fingers around them.

“No.”

“What do you mean, no?”

“No,” I said again, slamming my mouth against his. I kissed him feverishly, forcing his lips open with my tongue, letting our mouths fall into a dance they knew _oh so_ well. 

His right hand slid from my cheek to the back of my neck and he pulled forward, like he couldn’t get me close enough to him. His left hand made it’s way down my neck, over my shoulder, down my arm and settled on my lower back. We kissed until we ran out of breath and then we leaned our foreheads together, our noses touching, our breath mingling.

“Zac,” Taylor breathed, pressing another quick kiss to my mouth.

“Yeah?”

“We have to stop.”

“We don’t have to.”

“We do,” he kissed me again. “I don’t want to, but we do.”

“Can we stop tomorrow?”

He nodded his head against my forehead and pulled me in, kissing me again, longer this time.

“Come on,” he said, standing up and stepping out of the tree swing. He held his hand out to me. “Let’s go to the treehouse.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been slightly edited since being posted, I removed a couple small things that didn’t fit with the continuity that I hadn’t caught until after posting.

Two weeks had passed since Taylor had come home from the hospital. They were pretty uneventful, he still didn’t seem to remember too much. We had spent most of our time in bed, watching movies, when we weren’t going back and forth to the hospital. I’d cooked more in those two weeks than I think I had in years, Taylor usually being the main cook in our relationship. 

Natalie had brought the kids by a few times, but Taylor’s inability to remember a lot of things had upset the younger ones pretty badly, so Natalie and I had decided it might be best to keep the visiting to a minimum for now. She’d done a good job of keeping them busy and entertained so that they noticed the loss of their father as little as humanly possible. 

We’d spent a fair amount of time with Doctor Jacobs as well. Taylor’s brain seemed to be doing just fine and he was recovering perfectly from surgery and his accident. The doctor seemed slightly surprised that with everything going as smoothly as it was, Taylor still wasn’t remembering too much. She assured me that she still had high hopes, though. Some days I did, too. Some days I didn’t have too much hope at all.

It was hard to have the person I planned to spend my life with next to me, but not really there. It was hard to be so close to him and yet be afraid to touch him, not be able to kiss him or hold him the way I normally would. At times I felt I was being a little dramatic, maybe a little greedy. Taylor was alive and he was here with me, how could I ask for anything more right now? But, it didn’t feel like enough sometimes. There were times when I’d wake up and he’d be laying there sleeping and I’d be overcome with a sense of gratefulness that he was there, breathing, and then I’d feel myself morph from thankful and content to sad, needy, wanting more. There were moments where I almost hated myself, when I found myself wishing that he’d either come back to me all together or not be there at all. 

Three days after I brought Taylor home, Isaac came by with a casserole in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. Taylor was asleep in my bed and when Isaac walked in he found me in the kitchen, wiping down the top of the stove.

“What’s all that?” I grinned, nodding my head towards the casserole he had just deposited on my counter.

“Well,” he started, pulling out one of the stools and sitting on it, resting his elbows on the counter. “Mom came by my house with this,” he motioned towards the casserole, “demanded I bring it by. She’s under the impression that Taylor will starve to death living with you. This,” he held up the bottle of wine before placing it on the counter. “Is from me. Figured you could probably use it.”

“Is that so?” I tossed the rag I was using to wipe the stove down and walked over to the counter, picking the casserole up and looking at it. The dish was one I recognized from my childhood, a pretty red and white dish that my parents had gotten as a gift on their wedding day that had survived all these years. I guess they just don’t make cooking materials the same as they used to. 

“Yeah, she uh, was pretty persistent about it,” Isaac shrugged, toying with his wedding band, twirling it around on his finger.

“How lovely of her,” I rolled my eyes and walked a few steps across the room. I stepped on the little peddle to open the garbage can and dropped the casserole, wedding gift dish and all, inside. Isaac put a hand over his mouth to cover his grin and I shrugged, walking back to the counter and leaning on it.

“So, you’re still pretty upset with her then?” Isaac chuckled lightly.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“Yeah, I mean,” I shook my head and squinted my eyes. “She was out of line. She knew what she was doing, she never should have told Taylor anything, especially with him in the state he was- is- in.”

“Hey, I’m with you on this one,” Isaac held his hands up in a show of surrender. “She was totally out of line. She knows how I feel about it.”

“She still claiming she was just trying to do what was best for him?” I rolled my eyes again.

“Yeah, you know her.”

“I don’t, really. Not anymore.”

Isaac frowned then, resting his chin in his hand. He shook his head, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times, as if he knew what he wanted to say to me, just not how to say it.

“Well, spit it out,” I shook my head a little bit.

“It’s just,” he was hesitant. Isaac and I had been known, over the years, to have some serious brawls. Isaac liked to call things as he saw them, fix conflict right where it stood, whereas I didn’t like to be called out on my bullshit too much. We’d seen many a night in the studio where one of us stormed off, not speaking to the other until Taylor got involved, forcing us to make up. It had been a while since Isaac and I had had a fight like that, and I could tell he didn’t want to go there, didn’t want to chance us having another one. 

“Just what, come on, Ike,” I sighed. “I’m too tired to fight, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I know Mom isn’t perfect,” he shook his head. “Trust me. I understand why you feel the way that you feel, I get it. But,” he paused again. I could see the wheels turning in his head, I could see him trying to figure out exactly how to say what he was going to say next. “It’s just that I can also see where Mom and Dad were coming from. It was a shock. You have to put yourself in everyone else's shoes, Zac.”

“No,” I pushed myself off the counter and crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m not doing this, I’m not having this conversation. It’s been three years, Ike. If they haven’t moved on by now, they will never move on. If _you_ haven’t moved on by now, why don’t you just tell me?”

“Hey,” he sat up straight in his chair, leveling his gaze with mine. “Don’t do that, okay? I’m over it, I might not understand it, but I’m over it. I told you, I support you guys in whatever, in everything. You never even gave Mom the chance, you never let her get used to it or try to come to terms with it.”

I wanted to fight him on this. I wanted to tell him to get out, to mind his own business, but he was right. When our parents told us we made them sick and that they wanted nothing to do with the sins were were committing, we took them at their word. We left them behind and didn’t really look back. I’d never felt particularly bad about it, I’d felt bad for Taylor, I’d felt bad for the loss of my other siblings, but I’d never felt bad for cutting my parents out of my- our- lives. If they hated us for who we were, then that was enough for me. 

“All of that aside, she hasn’t changed If she’d changed she never would have told Taylor the things she told him. He was fragile, he had literally just had his brain cut into. She walked into that room the same woman she was the last time I’d seen her.”

Isaac sighed, smoothing his hair down.

“Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, I don’t really want to be involved in the shit between you guys and them, I’ve done a really good job of keeping myself out of it all this time, I’m just saying, with everything the way it is right now, with Taylor not remembering and everything being so fucked up, maybe you should talk to them. Maybe it’s not too far gone.”

“I’ll think about it,” I leaned back on the counter. “I wish things were different and we were still a big happy family, I really do. I just don’t ever see them accepting Taylor and I, and if I’m honest with you, Taylor and I are the most important thing to me. I’d rather lose them a hundred times over than ever lose him.”

“You really love him, huh?”

“I do,” I smiled.

Isaac returned my smile and pushed his stool back, standing up and stretching his arms over his head.

“I’m happy for you, Zac, I meant that.”

“I know.”

“I’m gonna get home, the kids run Nikki ragged these days. I’ll- uh- tell Mom the dish got broken in the dishwasher or something.” He motioned towards the garbage can and grinned.

“Thanks, Ike.”

“I’m here for you, anytime.”

“I know,” I walked with him to the front door and pulled it open for him. “Let’s get together more. All of us.”

“I’d like that,” he smiled, clapping me on the back. “I’ll see you later.”

I watched him get into his car and drive away before I closed the door.

I walked over to the counter where Isaac had left the bottle of wine, maybe he was right and I could use something to take the edge off. I rifled through the drawers looking for the corkscrew that I knew was in there somewhere. When I finally found it, I opened the bottle and poured myself half a glass. I’d never been a big wine fan, but it wasn’t terrible. As I sipped my wine I thought about what Isaac had said. Maybe he was right and I was too stubborn, maybe I should give her another chance, we could talk it out and have our big, happy, if not cult like close, family back. Maybe sometimes all it takes is a healthy dose of tragedy to bring a family back together. 

 

-

 

I had started running to shed some weight and also to give me something to do. I had started feeling restless about three months after Kate and I moved into our new apartment in the beginning of March, and I needed something to occupy some of my free time.

Living with Kate was easy. She cleaned up after herself, and after me, and never complained about it. She was quiet and tidy and never put empty orange juice containers back in the fridge. But, the whole falling in love with her once we settled down together thing wasn’t really panning out. It was kind of like living with your best friend, except you shared a bed and occasionally had sex. 

I walked into the apartment after my afternoon run and found Kate and Natalie sitting on the couch looking through bridal magazines. I wanted to groan, but I knew that would just embarrass Kate, so I didn’t. 

“Hey,” I smiled at them as I walked by the living room to drop my keys on the kitchen counter.

“Hey,” Kate called after me. “Come in here, we’re just looking at some wedding stuff.”

“I need a shower,” I called back.

“Okay, well, come in when you’re done.”

“I will,” I rolled my eyes to myself and made my way to the bedroom and into the bathroom off of it.

I took my time showering, most of it me just standing under the almost too hot stream of water, letting it roll over my face and body. 

Once I felt like I’d wasted just enough time not to annoy Kate, I dressed and made my way back out to the living room. Natalie was gone, and Kate was sitting on the couch, her legs tucked up underneath her, a magazine full of pretty pastel colored things on her lap. She looked up when I came into the room and smiled.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I sat down next to her on the couch. 

She held up the magazine, showing me a page covered in shit. I didn’t even know what I was looking at. There were flowers and table cloths and glasses and napkins. 

“Nice,” I said, grabbing the television remote off the table and flipping the TV on. She grabbed it out of my hand and shut it off.

“Zac, we have to figure this stuff out.”

“Not now,” I looked at her, almost pleading with her with my eyes. The last thing I wanted to spend my time doing was looking through those magazines, picking things out. 

She sighed, putting the magazine down on the table and turning her body so she was facing me.

“Do you want to get married, Zac?”

“I-“ I looked at her. Her eyes were sad. I didn’t want to hurt her, but the more I thought about this, the more I thought about marrying her, marrying anyone, the worse I felt about it. I couldn’t do that to her, though, could I? I’d already made my bed, I guess I had to sleep in it. “Of course I do.”

“Really? Because it doesn’t feel like it.”

“Of course,” I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “I do. I just want you to have the wedding you want. You have Natalie, she’s good at this stuff. You just pick everything you love and that’s what we’ll do.”

She smiled slowly and then nodded.

“You’re right,” she turned away and picked the magazine back up, flipping the pages. “This isn’t your kind of thing.”

 

The next eight months flew by, Kate taking my advice and handling all of the wedding arrangements with Natalie as her helper.

Standing in my hotel room, staring at myself in the mirror, I felt like my stomach was liable to fall out of my mouth at any minute. In less than an hour I was going to get married. We’d convinced my parents that we didn’t need the full year, that I’d turned eighteen now, and it was time. Selfishly, I wanted the talking about the wedding and the planning of the wedding to be over, and it was my biggest motivating factor. 

Isaac was fussing with his tie, a beer bottle held between his knees. I walked over to him and plucked the bottle away, tipping it to my lips and taking a long sip. It wasn’t cold enough, and it wasn’t good enough, but it would do.

“You alright?” He looked up at me once he was satisfied with the tie’s knot.

“Dunno,” I shrugged, taking another sip. “We got any more of these?”

“Yeah,” he eye’d me. “But, I’m not sure we should have a repeat of Taylor’s wedding.”

“I won’t get drunk, I just need to calm down.”

He walked to the mini fridge and pulled out another beer, opening it and pressing it into my hand, taking the old one from me and tossing it into the trash.

“Where is Taylor anyway?” Isaac looked around the room, as if Taylor was hiding behind the curtains or something.

“Don’t know.”

The truth was, after our Christmas night in the treehouse, when Taylor made love to me- and I know that sounds corny and cliche, but that’s exactly what it was. That night, he held on to me like he never had before, our bodies pressed together, our mouths never leaving the skin of one another's bodies. We’d cried, whispered ‘I love you’ over and over. When it was done, we laid there, our bodies wrapped around one another, limbs and hair and breath so intertwined it was hard to tell what belonged to who, for a long time. When we’d finally separated, pulling our clothes back on, looking at each other, I think we both knew that it was over. We hadn’t talked much since that night, pleasantries at family gatherings, a text message here and there about nothing at all. It had been two months short of a year, and I wasn’t broken anymore. It didn’t hurt so much all of the time. I think.

I drained the beer bottle and placed it on the table by the window. I hadn’t eaten, and I still wasn’t a huge drinker, despite what weddings would have someone think. My head was a little fuzzy, but I walked to the mini fridge anyway, grabbing two more beers.

“I’m going outside, I need some air.”

“Zac.”

“I’ll be back, I just really need some air, Ike. I’m feeling a bit claustrophobic in this thing.” I pulled on the collar of my shirt.

“Alright,” he shrugged, going back to fussing with his clothes.

I made my way down the winding hallway of the hotel, to the parking lot. I was going to find the most out of the way spot I could, and I was going to sit there and drink my beer. I was going to reflect on everything that got me to this moment, and then I was going to go inside and I was going to marry that girl. Then I’d fall in love with her. I would. 

It wasn’t lost on me that Kate had signed up to marry a man who had never even told her he loved her. She was inside that hotel right now, in a wedding gown, getting done up to walk down the aisle to someone who couldn’t even say those words to her. I don’t know if that said more about me, or her, but either way it made me feel sad for her. 

When I’d finally reached the far corner of the parking lot, I saw him. Taylor was sitting on the hood of his car, his own beer bottle in his hand, a clove in the other. He was looking out at the road, watching the cars fly by. 

“Hey,” I said, pushing myself up to sit next to him on the hood.

“What are you doing out here?” I’d startled him, and he’d choked on his beer a little bit.

“Just getting some air,” I held my hand out for the clove. He shook his head and passed it to me, looking back out at the street.

I took a long drag, feeling the smoke fill my lungs, and then I let it out, handing the clove back to him. He looked good, all dressed up in the tux Kate and Natalie had picked out. The blue tie brought out the color of his eyes, his hair was shining in the sun. 

I still loved him.

“Tay?” 

“Yeah?” He looked over at me, tossing the clove on the ground. 

“I don’t want to get married.”

“You’re just nervous.”

“No, no it’s not that.”

He scanned my face, frowning. He took his pack out, this time taking out two and lighting them both, passing one to me. I took it, placing my beers down on the bumper of the car.

“You want to get married or you wouldn’t have asked,” Taylor took a drag, blowing the smoke straight up in the air. “You love her, don’t you?”

“No.”

His eyes widened and he shook his head, taking a long sip of his beer before tossing the bottle onto the grass in front of the car.

“You don’t?”

“I can’t,” I shrugged. “I’ve tried.”

“Why would you-“ he shook his head, his eyes going from one of mine to the other. “Why would you ask her to marry you if you don’t love her?”

“I thought I’d fall in love with her, you know, once this happened.”

I shrugged, shaking my head. It sounded stupid when I said it out loud.

“Jesus,” Taylor ran a hand through his hair. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s too late now.”

“Is it?”

I turned my head, looking at the windshield of the car, and then back at him, raising an eyebrow. Suddenly I knew exactly what I needed to do. Suddenly I knew that I could not walk back into that building. It was light a lightswitch had gone off in my head, and instantly everything was clear. 

“What are you saying, Zac?”

I shrugged, tossing my clove on the ground. 

“Take me away from here?”

“Take you-“ he shook his head, his face was screwed up. “You can’t be serious.”

We stared at each other. It had been so long since I’d really _looked_ at him, but not much had changed. He was still the most striking person I’d ever seen, he was still _Taylor_ , and looking at him made me feel a kind of peace that I’d never gotten from looking at Kate. Even if we hadn’t spoken, hadn’t touched, in almost a year, he was still the place I felt the safest.

“Tay,” I shook my head. “I can’t do this.”

I could feel my face crumbling, I could feel my eyes starting to sting. The thought of letting that girl marry me when I knew I’d never be able to give her what she needed, when I knew I’d never love her, was suddenly consuming me so thoroughly that my mind was made up. I wasn’t going back in there, with or without Taylor, I wasn’t going.

He put a hand on my knee, frowning. “If you want me to get you out of here, I will. I shouldn’t, and you shouldn’t, but if that’s what you want, I’ll take you out of here.”

I stood up, looking back at the hotel. I pictured Kate standing in that room, surrounded by Natalie and the rest of her friends, a white dress that was probably so pretty it would make your eyes water. And then I looked back at him. 

I still loved him. I didn’t love her, and in that moment I was sure that those things were never going to change. 

“Take me out of here.”

I walked to the passenger door of his car and put my hand on the handle, waiting.

He looked at me for a moment and then stood up. He took his keys out of his pocket and clicked the button, unlocking the doors.

“Are you sure?” He looked over the hood of the car at me, his hand on his door.

I nodded, pulling my door open and getting in. He got in next to me and turned the engine, throwing the car in reverse and backing out of the spot. 

As we got on the highway, he held his hand out to me. I put my hand in his and squeezed.

I loved him.


	18. Chapter 18

Two months into Taylor being home with me, I walked into the house to find him sitting at the kitchen counter, a stack of bills in front of him. He was reading the one on top intently, his eyebrows screwed up.

“What’re you reading?” I asked, dropping my keys on the counter and sliding into the chair next to him. 

“This mortgage that I’m paying, for a house I haven’t seen in months is incredibly high,” he picked the paper up and waved it in my face. “Who has been paying this?’

“I have,” I took the bill from him and folded it in half. “I’ve been keeping up on all of your bills, don’t worry about this stuff.”

“Are you tired of having me here, taking care of me?” He was staring down at the next bill in the pile, but I could tell he wasn’t reading it.

“What? No, of course not.”

When he looked over at me, his eyes were sad. 

“Am I ever going to remember?”

“You will,” I nodded, reaching out and squeezing his shoulder. 

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. It must be hard for you.”

I looked between his eyes, a feeling of pain striking me. The last thing I wanted for Taylor to feel like was a burden on me. He was so far from that, I didn’t even know how to explain it to him. I’d made a promise to him three years ago that we would withstand all of life’s troubles together, and I still meant it, no matter how hard it might sometimes get.

“Sometimes,” I nodded, forcing a small smile. “But, not enough to make me not want to do it. You’re the most important person in my life, Tay.”

He smiled and nodded, reaching for my other hand and taking it in his, turning it over and over, his fingers squeezing each of mine before he clasped our hands together and let them fall to my thigh. We’d been doing a lot of hand holding since he’d been home. Sometimes when we were in bed or on the couch watching TV his head would find a place on my shoulder or my chest, but, ever since the kiss in the hospital room, that was the extent of our physical relationship. Even though Taylor knew now that we’d been together, he didn’t _really_ remember, and I had a feeling it made him a little uneasy, a little uncomfortable. I couldn’t even imagine what he was going through, knowing that there was an entire chapter of his life that he had no idea about. It might be frustrating for me sometimes, but it must have been hell for him.

“You know what?” I looked up at him, picking the mortgage bill back up and holding it between us. “Why don’t we sell your house? You can move in here, you’re already living here anyway, why pay two mortgages?”

“Really?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, really. We always talked about getting rid of one, or both of the houses, now is the perfect time.”

In truth, Doctor Jacobs had told me about a month ago that Taylor could go back to living alone, that it was perfectly safe for him to be in his own space. His memory might not be back, but his body had recovered perfectly, and there was no reason to keep him here. It might be wrong, but I never told him. Selfishly, I thought that if he knew he didn’t have to live with me anymore, he’d leave, and I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t have all of him back, and I didn’t know if or when I would, but I didn’t want to give away the parts of him that I did have. I didn’t know how he’d feel about the thought of selling his home, he’d had it for so many years, so when his face transformed into a huge smile and he nodded and said ‘okay!’ I felt a balloon of pressure relieve in my shoulders and I smiled back.

“I’ll take care of everything, I’ll make some calls tomorrow.”

“You’re the best, Zac,” he smiled again, squeezing my hand. “I don’t know how I’d get through all of this without you.

“Just doing my job,” I grinned, taking my hand from his and walking to the fridge, pulling out two bottles of water and sliding one across the counter to him.

“Maybe we’ll need a bigger place, though. For the kids,” Taylor unscrewed the cap from his water and took a long sip.

“Probably,” I nodded. “We’ll start looking for places, and if we find something we like, we can sell this house too.”

 

Later that week, Taylor and I were on the couch watching some cheesy rom-com. I’m not sure when Taylor’s affinity for them began, it’s not something I’d ever remembered him being all that into, but I found myself spending an awful lot of time watching them with him now. Taylor grabbed the remote control off the coffee table and shut the TV off, sitting up and looking at me.

“Hear me out,” he said. I could see that he was bracing himself, whatever he wanted to say was obviously something he thought I wouldn’t like all that much.

“Okay.”

“I invited Mom over for dinner,” he bit his bottom lip and shrugged.

“What?”

I could feel my heart rate starting to speed up. I didn’t want to get angry with him, but I couldn’t help the feeling of anger that was already slowly bubbling up in my stomach.

“I just, I want to see her, I miss her, Zac. She’s our Mom.”

“She’s n-“ I shook my head. “Tay, you don’t understand. I really wish you would have talked to me first.”

“I know, but I knew you’d tell me not to, and I figured that once I’d already done it you wouldn’t be able to do that.”

“That’s kind of manipulative, don’t you think?” I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back on the couch, looking at him.

“I know, I’m sorry,” he frowned. “I wish you’d just tell me everything so I’d understand, or at least maybe I would. I feel like I’m missing so much information.”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair and then recrossing my arms. I was so worried about overwhelming him that I was hesitant to explain much of any of the past three years to him, especially the bad stuff, but I knew that I was going to have to eventually. Especially if his memory was never going to come back to him, and every day my feeling of fear that it wouldn’t grew slightly larger.

“I will, okay? I’m just so worried about you getting too upset, or me giving you too much information and it making things hard for you, I’m nervous, that’s all.” 

Truthfully, there was a small part of me that worried that Taylor would decide that they’d been right all along, and he’d leave me. Here and there we had moments that gave me hope that deep down inside he remembered that he loved me, that we were meant to be together, but there was lingering doubts, fear that it would all come crashing down around us. 

I often didn’t understand how if only the past three years were supposed to be gone, why he didn’t remember _us_ , Doctor Jacobs has tried to explain it to me several times, she says the brain is a weird place, sometimes we don’t have all the answers. I don’t need all the answers, I just need _my_ Taylor back. 

Taylor stretched his arm across the counter, resting the back of his hand on it, his hand open, waiting for mine. I put my hand down on top of his and he wrapped his thumb and pinky finger around either side of it, rubbing his thumb just slightly, back and forth over my wrist.

“I’m okay, Zac, stop worrying so much.”

“I can’t, you know I can’t.”

He grinned, shaking his head a little bit.

“I know, I do remember that.”

“So, when is this dinner date, anyway?”

“You’ll do it?” He smiled big then, so big that it reached all the way up to his eyes. His smile made me smile.

“Yeah, of course I’ll do it, if it makes you happy.”

“Zac!” He jumped out of his seat and moved quickly around the counter, pulling me in for a tight hug. “Thank you, I know how much you don’t want to see her.”

“Anything for you,” I grinned into the side of his neck. Hadn’t it always been that way? Me doing anything for him.

 

-

 

We drove for a little more than four hours, the only sounds in the car were the music that we kept at the highest volume we could handle. The backseat was a heap of suit jackets, ties and button down shirts. We’d both discarded our dress shoes at one point. Taylor’s hand was still holding mine, his thumb occasionally running small circles on the skin of my hand. Every once in a while he looked over at me, giving me a small smile, which I returned. 

He finally turned the volume down as we turned into a gas station parking lot, looking over at me and sighing.

“We should stop, it’s getting dark.”

I nodded, leaning my head back on the headrest of my seat, rolling my head so I was looking at him.

“I think we’re somewhere in Dallas,” he said, ducking his head to look at the sign of the gas station through the windshield, as if that would tell him what city we were in.

“Okay,” I nodded again. I didn’t really care where we were or where we went or where we stopped, all that really mattered was that I wasn’t in Tulsa, I wasn’t married, and I didn’t help Kate make what would be the biggest mistake of her life. 

“You okay?”

“No?” I shrugged. He tightened his grip on my hand, our fingers had been locked together for so many hours now they almost felt like they were just supposed to be that way. 

“Why’d you get so close to going through with it if you knew it wasn’t right?”

“I don’t know,” I shrugged again, feeling my face twist into a frown. “I really thought that I could make myself fall in love with her. I probably should have known that if it hadn’t happened yet, it never would.”

He nodded, returning my frown. Before slowly pulling his hand away from mine.

“I’m going to grab us some drinks, maybe some gas station food, ask them where the closest place to get a room is.”

“Okay,” I stretched my arm out in front of me, moving my fingers around. I hadn’t realized they were pretty much asleep until he had let them go.

Taylor pulled himself out of the car and opened the door to the backseat, picking his shoes up and putting them on. I watched him walk into the store and then I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. It was off, something I’d done to prepare for the wedding, so I wouldn’t forget. I flipped it open and pressed down the power button, waiting for it to come to life. Almost immediately the screen was full of missed calls and texts, most of them from Kate, some from my parents, a few from Isaac, even one from Natalie. I bit down on my lip, not sure that I wanted to read and hear them, not sure I was ready to face what I’d done. 

I knew I had taken the cowards way out, I was under no impressions that I hadn’t, or that what I’d done was right, I just wasn’t sure how else to do it, and right at the moment where I’d decided that I had to get out, every nerve in my body was telling me to _just get out_. 

I scrolled down to the bottom of the mixed texts and opened the ones from Isaac, the first two asking where I was, the last asking what the fuck was wrong with me. Good question, Isaac.

Next my mom. Worrying about where I was, was I okay? Would I please just come home and we could talk about this? Some texts reassuring me that she loved me, and we’d fix this together.

Natalie, telling me that Kate would never forgive me for this, asking me how could I?

Finally the only name left was Kate’s. I clicked the button and watched as the texts she’d sent me while I’d been driving away from her flooded onto the screen. How could I? What did she ever do to deserve this? Why couldn’t I just love her? I flipped the phone shut before reading the rest and closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the headrest again. There had been plenty of times where I hadn’t really liked myself, or my actions in the past, but I’d never really hated myself before. I hated myself then. 

I flipped the phone back open and clicked away from the mass on unread text messages from Kate, instead clicking on the button to compose a new message and typing in her name. 

_You deserve so much better than me. I did you a favor. Trust me Kate. I’m sorry._

I hit send and powered the phone back down, opening the glove box and placing it inside before shutting it again.

Taylor got back into the car, shutting the door behind him.

“I got us some-“ he stopped speaking when he looked at me, seeing the tears that I hadn’t even realized were washing over my face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

He leaned over in the seat and wrapped his arms around my, pulling me into him. 

Him holding me like that only made the tears really come in earnest. We hadn’t hugged in so long. It had been almost a year since I’d been held by someone who I knew that I loved. I could feel my breath laboring and my whole body was shaking. I felt _so_ weak in that moment. So weak, and like such a fuck up.

“Shh, Zac,” Taylor rubbed circles on my back, whispering in my ear. “It’s okay, it’s going to be okay.”

I shook my head, only making him hold me tighter. 

“We’re going to get through this, okay?” He squeezed me another time and then pulled back, taking my face in his hands, his eyes leveling with mine. “We’ll get through this together.”

I nodded, knowing how stupid I must look, my face covered in tears, my eyes and cheeks red. He pulled my face towards him and laid a light kiss on my forehead, looking me in the eyes again.

“It’s okay, Zac, really. We’ll figure this all out. I’m here.”

 

The only place we could find that had an open room was a cheap Days Inn near downtown. There was only one bed, a TV on a dresser and a tiny nightstand with a lamp and a phone on top of it. We were sitting Indian style on the bed, eating the sandwiches and chips Taylor had gotten for us at the gas station. We hadn’t said much since we’d gotten into the room, both of us taken over by hunger and the need to not be cooped up in Taylor’s car anymore. 

When we finally finished, Taylor stood up and collected our trash, tossing it in the plastic garbage bin by the dresser before sitting back down on the bed next to me, so close our legs were touching.

“I’m going to go find a Walmart and I’m going to get us some clothes, okay? Do you want to stay here? I think you should lay down, maybe try to take a nap. You’ve had quite the day.”

“Okay,” I nodded. “I’ll stay here.”

He pulled me in for a hug again, like we’d been hugging like this all this time, like we hadn’t taken a year away from each other.

“Don’t worry about anything, okay?”

“Okay,” I said again, digging my fingers into his back, not wanting him to go to Walmart, because him going to Walmart meant him letting go of me, and I felt like we’d spent enough time letting go of each other. 

Against my silent wishes, he pulled himself free of me and smiled down at me.

“I’ll be back soon.”

 

When he left the room, I laid down on the bed on my back, putting my arms behind my head, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t know how I was supposed to go back home after this, I especially didn’t know how I was supposed to return to the home I shared with Kate, but I knew that eventually I would have to. I hated that I’d hurt her, and in such a humiliating way, but I didn’t know what else to do. I guessed I would have to live with the consequences of it, and I knew that I deserved them. 

I knew that if I went through with the wedding I would only end up hurting her more later, but even right then, only a handful of hours later, I already regretted the way that I’d done it. I should have talked to her, I should have looked her in the eye and told her that not marrying me was what was best for her. Instead, I’d taken the cowards way out and run away, humiliating her in front of all of our friends and family. I was sure she’d never forgive me, and I didn’t blame her. If I were her, I’d never forgive me. 

Being alone wasn’t something I ever really wanted to do. I’d been perpetually needy since I was a child, but being in that hotel room all by myself while Taylor ran to Walmart felt good. It felt right to lay there, thinking about what I’d done, how I’d ever attempt to fix it and if I even deserved forgiveness. From anyone.

Suddenly I felt filthy. As if I’d run a marathon, or rolled around in the dirt for a few hours, and the only thing I wanted to do was get myself out of those stupid dress pants, out of that undershirt, clean myself of the day and the things I had done.

I pulled myself off of the bed and walked into the tiny bathroom, wrinkling my nose up at how it looked like it hadn’t been renovated in fifty years. But, hot water was hot water, right?

I took my time in the shower, standing under the steady stream of hot water washing over me, cleaning every part of my body. Maybe if I scrubbed hard enough I could fix all that was wrong with me. What a dream. It seemed like after all of this time, if I hadn’t been fixed yet, I never would be. 

When I felt sufficiently scrubbed and my skin was starting to prune, I reached out of the shower and grabbed a towel, wrapping myself in it. My brain seemed to skip the part where I didn’t have any clean clothes to dress myself in, and I’d be damned if I put a single article of that tux back on my body. I looked around the room, shrugging to myself and walked to the bed, pulling the comforter down and sliding underneath it. I guess it was a towel skirt for me, for now. 

I laid back on the pillow and closed my eyes. Taylor was right, it had been _a day_.

 

When I opened my eyes, Taylor was leaning over me, dropping something onto his side of the bed. He smiled a little and rolled his eyes.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you.”

“’s okay,” I smiled, stretching my neck out. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“You needed it, it’s okay. Go back to sleep.”

“What time is it?”

“After ten, it took a while to find a Walmart and then it was packed, sorry I took so long. I got you a bunch of shirts and pants, though.”

“Thanks,” I smiled.

“Anytime.”

He moved around the room, putting things into drawers, ripping tags off of shirts and throwing them into the trash. We’d settled back into our normal demeanor with each other so easily that I could almost forget all of the time we’d spent not talking to one another.

When he was done he walked around to his side of the bed and grabbed the articles of clothes he had dropped there. He went into the bathroom and came out shortly later in a pair of red and black plaid pajama bottoms and a black t-shirt. His hair was a little messed up and I couldn’t help but smile. 

“What’s funny?” He grinned, walking to the bed and sitting down.

“Your hair,” I shrugged. “It’s all messed up.”

“Oh,” He laughed, smoothing his hair down. “Do you want to watch TV?”

“I think I just want to go back to sleep. Will you lay with me?”

“Yeah,” he smiled, sliding underneath the blanket and settling down on the pillow next to mine.

We laid there in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before I turned on my side to face him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Don’t be sorry,” he turned so he was facing me too and shook his head. “You did what you felt you needed to do.”

“Tay?”

“Hmm?” He tilted his head a little.

“I missed you.”

He reached over, laying his hand on my waist lightly, he squeezed just a little bit.

“Me too.”

The quiet that fell around us was easy, leaving me feeling pretty content. I wasn’t really thinking about anything then, not my escape from my wedding that afternoon, not how I’d have to face up to Kate and my parents eventually, nothing but him and I laying in that dilapidated Days Inn bed, his hand resting on my bare waist, his eyes on mine. I’d thought I’d done a really good job of getting over Taylor over the last ten months, but all it took to show me that I was wrong was him next to me. I guess I wasn’t as strong as I’d hoped. I was okay with that.

Taylor closed his eyes and ran his fingertips over the skin of my waist, lightly, just barely, spreading goosebumps over me. When his fingers reached the towel that was now only loosely wrapped around me, he opened his eyes again and grinned at me.

“You’re naked.”

“I showered. Didn’t have any clothes,” I grinned back.

He nodded, closing his eyes again, the grin still on his face, his fingers brushing along the top of the towel, tracing a line from my hip, along my stomach, and then back. His face was serene, happy, like we didn’t just drive almost five hours from home to get me out of an ill-planned wedding, like we were just here on vacation. There were two strands of his dirty blonde hair hanging in his face, and I couldn’t stop myself from reaching over and brushing them off, hanging them behind his ear. His hand left my waist, landing on my wrist, pressing my hand to the side of his face. With his eyes still closed, he pulled my hand to his mouth and kissed each of my fingertips, pressing them gingerly to his mouth. I felt a simmering heat rise up in my stomach watching him, his eyes still closed, his lips pink and moist. When he was done he pulled my arm, wrapping it around his waist, his hand finding it’s way back to my skin, drawling little shapes up and down my side. 

The heat in my stomach was spreading all over my body, I could feel myself growing hard, pressing against the soft towel. A month ago if you’d asked me if Taylor and I would ever find ourselves in this position again, I’d have said no, adding that I doubted we’d ever even find ourselves communicating again.

I scooted my body a bit closer to his, feeling the towel unravelling some more from around my waist, but not being able to force myself to care. Taylor had such a look of bliss on his face, his fingers still dancing on my skin, his eyes closed, his lips upturned into a small smile, that I felt, against my own will and doing, my body leaning into his and the next thing I knew, my hand was on his neck and my lips were pressed against his. 

He let out a small sigh against my mouth and then his lips easily parted, moving with mine exactly the way they always had. He slowly moved his hand from my side to my shoulder, gently pushing me so I was laying on my back, him leaning over me. He pushed himself up with one hand, the other one exploring the skin of my neck, my chest, my stomach. He sighed again before pulling his mouth away from mine, his eyes shining.

He pushed the comforter back so that we were uncovered, his lips landing on my neck, dropping small kisses down, along my collar bone, over my chest. His lips made a path down to my stomach, his body sliding down the bed slightly and then he slowly opened the towel, his hands running down my hips and over my thighs. 

Watching him move his hands all over me, his eyes taking in every inch of my body, made me even harder, my dick throbbing. If he kept this up it was certain to explode.

“You’re still so fucking beautiful,” he whispered, dipping his head, kissing my right hip and then my left, his hands moving across my stomach and then over my thighs.

“Tay,” I whispered, my head literally starting to hurt from the tension his hands, lips and eyes were building up in my body.

“Shh,” he shook his head, his mouth leaving a trail of slightly wet kissed across my stomach, his hands slowly moving up my chest, fingers running across my collar bone and then back down my body to where his head was, kissing and nipping along my hip bone.

He maneuvered himself so that he was on his knees in between my legs, sitting back so he was looking down at me. He shook his head slightly, drawing his bottom lip in between his teeth.

“God, Zac.”

I whimpered, then felt my cheeks redden, embarrassed. There I was, naked, in all my glory, spread out on the bed, him kneeling between my splayed legs fully clothed. My body was _aching_ for him, desperate. I pushed myself so I was sitting up, grabbing at the hem of his t-shirt, pushing it up over his head and throwing it on the floor. 

“Off,” I whispered, pushing the waistband of his pajama pants down. He kicked them and his boxers off and pushed me lightly so I was laying down again. 

I took in the picture in front of me. His body was exactly the same as it was the last time I’d seen it, and judging by the looks of things, he was just as turned on as me. This wasn’t exactly what I was expecting to be doing on my wedding night, but there was nothing and no place in the world I’d rather be.

Taylor reached for my hand, taking it and moving it down my body with his. He placed it on my dick, slowly wrapping each of my fingers around it. I looked up at him, an eyebrow lifted.

“I want to watch you,” he said quietly, a blush forming on his perfect cheeks.

“Why?”

“I just do.”

He wrapped his hand firmly around mine, slowly moving them together, sending a wave of pleasure through my entire body. He set the pace, not slow, but not overly fast, and then removed his hand, causing a whine to leave my lips.

“Keep going,” his eyes were trained on my hand. I felt a little awkward, this wasn’t something I’d ever done in front of him, or anyone else for that matter, but I’d have done anything to make him happy, so I did, moving my hand at the same pace it had been when his had been covering it.

“Jesus Christ,” he practically growled, one hand leaving my body and wrapping around himself. “Zac,” my name left his lips in a breathy moan as he started stroking himself, his other hand squeezing my thigh. 

I could feel the beginning of the end bubbling up inside me as I watched his hand move, his wrist turning just a little bit with every stroke. His head dropped forward a little, beads of sweat forming on his forehead as he watched me jerk myself off in exact time with his own hand.

“Taylor,” I groaned, knowing I wasn’t going to last much longer, dying to feel him touch me.

“Keep going,” his hand was moving faster now, his chest rising and falling quickly. “I like watching you.”

“I want _you_ ,” I was whining, but I didn’t care.

“Later,” he moaned out a ‘fuck,’ his free hand finding my free hand and tangling our fingers together. “Promise.”

He leaned over me, his tongue finding it’s place to do a dance with mine. He was still stroking himself, his hand leaving little paths of friction on my skin.

“Come for me, Zac,” he moaned in my ear. Me, never being the one to let Taylor down, did exactly that.

“Fuck, Tay,” I groaned, feeling the hot sticky mess we’d made covering my hand, sure it was covering him too. He let out another groan and then he was coming with me, the both of us panting, grabbing onto one another with our free hands.

“I missed that,” Taylor collapsed on top of me, the weight of his body feeling like a comfort blanket.

“Me too,” I brought my hand up to his hair, running my fingers through it. We laid there in silence, covered in the evidence of what we’d just done, usually I’d be in a rush to clean up, but this time I could deal with the mess. When I felt Taylor’s breathing get steadier, his head heavier on my chest, I knew he’d fallen asleep. 

He’d saved me from myself that day, and everything had been perfect since, so why did I feel a sense of dread in my stomach?


	19. Chapter 19

It was 5 o’clock and my mother would be at my house any minute. I was pacing back and forth in the kitchen, a rag in one hand, a beer in the other, not really wiping much of anything. Every few seconds I’d swipe the rag across the counter or the stove top and then basically walk in circles. Taylor was sitting at the counter, his chin in his hand, watching me with a look of pure amusement on his face.

“Would you stop looking at me like that?” I put my bottle to my lips and took a sip. I’d been holding it too long, it wasn’t cold enough anymore.

“I can’t help it, you’re freaking out.”

“Yeah,” I took a step towards the counter and leaned my elbows on it, taking another sip of my beer. “Yeah, I am.”

“It’ll be fine, she’s not a monster or anything.”

“Right,” I rolled my eyes. She was the closest thing to a monster I’d ever known. 

My relationship with my mother was always a good one. My family was ridiculously close, always. Until that day. I couldn’t erase the things she had said, or the way she had looked at us. I did understand, in my mind, that it must have been a shock. I mean, Taylor and I didn’t have a very conventional relationship, and I’m sure it would throw any parents off to find out that two of their children were in love with each other, but I tried to put myself in her shoes, tried to picture Taylor saying the awful things to one of the kids that she’d said to us, and I just never could make myself get there. What had ever happened to a parents unconditional love for their children? 

I know that I put in a good effort making it seem like it was all cheery and easy for me to shut out my parents when everything happened, but it wasn’t a walk in the park for me. Turning away from what was always a loving, nurturing family relationship had it’s struggles. I wrestled with how I’d get over it, I spent many nights lying awake in my bed, not knowing how or when the feelings of loss or heartbreak would go away. But, little by little, as time went on, they lessened, until they were replaced completely by feelings of disdain. 

I was shaken out of my thoughts of how badly I did not want my mother in my house, or even to know where my house was, by her signature three short wraps on the door. I looked up at Taylor and motioned towards the door.

“You invited her.”

He smirked, pushing himself out of the chair and walked towards the door, his hand reaching for the knob. He turned his head to look at me and smiled.

“We’ll survive it, okay? We’ll be fine.”

I nodded, tossing my empty beer bottle into the recycling bin and opening the fridge to get another. I was still standing inside of the open fridge door when I heard her.

“Hello, Zachary.”

I closed the door, opened my new beer, tossing the cap in the bin and turned towards where she was standing in front of the door to my house.

“Mom.”

“It’s good to see you,” she stepped towards me, her arms opened. It wasn’t going to happen like that, I would not make things that easy. I turned away from her, walking into the dining room.

“We can sit in here, the food is done. Pick a seat and I’ll go get it.”

I left her and Taylor standing in the dining room and walked back into the kitchen, leaning my hands on the counter. I didn’t like having her in my house, and I didn’t like leaving her alone with Taylor. I wasn’t sure why I agreed to this, other than my insatiable urge to make Taylor happy all of the damn time. I was going to have to work on that.

I took the pot roast I’d made, one of only a few things I’d mastered in the culinary department over my years, out of the oven and scooped the carrots and potatoes into a bowl, transferring the meat onto a serving tray. I walked them into the dining room and placed them down on the middle of the table.

“I need to get utensils. Do you guys need a drink? Beer, wine, water?”

“I’ll have a beer,” Taylor smiled up at me from the seat he’d chosen at the side of the table.

“Are you supposed to be drinking?” Mom turned her head to him, a look of concern on her face.

“He can have a beer or two,” I rolled my eyes. “Want something?”

“A glass of wine would be nice,” she smiled at me from her seat next to Taylor. Of course she’d sat there. 

I left the room, coming back a few seconds later with serving spoons, Taylor’s beer and a glass of wine for her. 

Once I’d placed everything where it needed to go, I took a seat across the table from them, Taylor directly in front of me. He smiled and mouthed ‘be nice’ so naturally, I rolled my eyes again.

We served ourselves in silence, the three of us moving food around our plates for a couple of minutes before I finally decided that I couldn’t take it anymore. I put my fork down on the table, taking a quick sip of my beer, and then looked over at my mother.

“Why are you here?”

She looked up at me, her face surprised.

“Taylor asked me over for dinner.”

“Right, but, _why_? Why the sudden interest in us?”

She picked her wine glass up off of the table and took a long sip before placing it back down by her plate. She looked over at Taylor and frowned, and then her eyes met mine again.

“Taylor could have died, and I wouldn’t have even known if I hadn’t pried it out of your sister.” She frowned, her eyes dropping to her plate. “You’re my children, Zac.”

I could feel Taylor’s eyes boring holes into my head, but I wouldn’t take my eyes off of our mother. She looked genuine, her face washed in sadness, but no one ever said that Zac Hanson wasn’t stubborn. 

“You wouldn’t have known because of your own doing.”

“I know, Zac,” she sighed, looking back up at me. “I made a mistake, can’t you at least try to forgive me?”

“A mistake?” I leaned back in my chair, my hands on the table. “You haven’t seen or spoken to us in three years because you couldn’t even attempt to understand something hard. You said we were _disgusting_ and you couldn’t even look at us.”

She nodded, her frown deepening. 

“I’m sorry,” she shook her head. “I can’t say anything but I’m sorry. Can’t we try to fix it?”

“Zac, please,” my eyes left my mother and landed on Taylor. He was looking at me with pleading eyes, his arms down by his side. “She’s our mom, Zac.”

I sighed, looking between them. I didn’t want to let her back in. The truth was, I didn’t trust her motivations. There was a piece of my mind that was convinced she only wanted to come back into our lives so she could pry Taylor away from me, and I couldn’t let that happen. Not now, not after everything we’d gone through to get to where we were. But, there was another piece of my mind that wanted to do whatever it took to make Taylor feel truly happy again. Sometimes I hated what my feelings for him made me do, hated the way I was putty in his hands my entire life. In every other aspect of my life I was stronger than that, I’d never let anyone walk on me, but with Taylor, I’d do anything he asked.

“Okay,” I sighed again, looking at my mother. “On a trial basis. I’ll try to work on fixing things with you, and with Dad. I can’t make any promises.”

“That’s all I want, for us to try,” My mother smiled softly across the table and me and then turned to smile at Taylor. “I just want us to be a family again.”

 

We actually had a really good night, the three of us, sitting around the dining room table and talking. It had taken me a while to warm up, let my guard down. But, once I decided that maybe everyone else was right and I was wrong, it was easy to let myself slip back into the old rapport I shared with my mother. We didn’t talk too much about Taylor and my relationship, I guess we all kind of figured we’d start slow and work up to the big things. 

It was after ten when Mom finally pushed her chair back, standing from the table and stretching her arms above her head.

“I think I’ll leave you two to get some sleep, it’s way past my bedtime.”

Taylor and I stood and the three of us walked through the kitchen and to the door. Taylor looked so happy, maybe a little bit of relief mixed in there. 

Mom hugged Taylor, telling him how glad she was that he was feeling better, and then she turned to me.

“I know we have to take our time, we have to work to get back to where we once were, but thank you. I hope we can have more times like this soon, I really do want to fix things.”

“I know, Mom,” I nodded, opening my arms and pulling her into a hug. “We’ll work on it.”

We watched as she walked down the steps and to the driveway, getting into her car. Once we couldn’t see her anymore, I shut the door, looking over at Taylor.

“Happy?”

“Yeah,” he smiled. “Proud of you, too.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I might not remember everything, but I could never forget how stubborn you are.”

We laughed, walking into the living room and sitting down on the couch.

“It must have been hard for you to put everything aside.”

“It was,” I nodded, leaning back on the couch and crossing my leg over my knee. “Honestly, I didn’t want to, I only did it because you wanted me to. But, I’m glad that I did.”

“I knew you would be,” Taylor smiled, leaning back and resting his head on my shoulder. I snaked my arm around him and ran my fingers up and down his arm. 

“How’s your head?” I asked, moving my hand to his hair, rubbing his head softly.

“Never had any complaints,” he said, and then burst out laughing. “I have no idea where that came from.”

I laughed, turning my face to kiss him lightly on the top of the head. 

“Seriously, how do you feel?”

“I’m fine, no headaches today.”

“Awesome.”

We settled into silence, Taylor’s head resting on my shoulder, his hair tickling my face. I was drawing clouds on his arm with my fingertip when I felt him move a little bit, his hand sliding across my stomach, leaving his arm wrapped around me. I’d been craving his touch, spending most of the hours in my days remembering what it used to be like, wishing for more contact than the occasional hand holding, the heads on shoulders, but never wanting to push him too far, knowing how delicate this situation really was. 

“Zac?”

“Yeah?” I stopped drawing shapes on his arm and tilted my head so I could see his face.

“I feel like I love you.”

He turned his eyes up so he was looking at me. My heart felt like it stopped for a second, and then started beating again at double it’s normal speed. 

“You feel like you do?”

“Yeah,” he put his hand on my thigh, pushing himself up so he was sitting up straight, facing me. “I still can’t remember, and it makes me so mad, but, I know how I feel here,” he put his hand on his chest, over his heart. “And it’s love.”

I smiled, shaking my head a little bit. I’d been dying to hear him say it. Say it and mean it the way I needed him to mean it. I hadn’t imagined how amazing it would feel when he finally did.

“I love you, too, Tay.”

He leaned over and put his hand on my cheek, looking me in the eyes. 

“I want to remember.”

“I know,” I nodded. “You will.”

“Help me,” his voice dropped in volume, just above a whisper, his eyes still directly on mine. “Help me remember.”

He slid his hand from my cheek to the back of my head and leaned in, so slowly it almost felt like time was stopping. I watched as the gap between us closed and when his lips landed on top of mine, hesitant, soft, warm, I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms around him. If this was how I could help him remember, I’d do it every second of every day. 

 

-

 

Taylor and I stayed in that cheap, musty hotel room for two weeks before he convinced me that we had to go home. I fought him on it, of course, too chicken shit to face up to my own mess, not wanting to deal with the fallout. 

I’d lost count of the time amount of times we’d slept together in that motel, some days it felt like that was all we did, taking breaks for food and water. We never mentioned the wedding or Kate after that first day again, we never even mentioned Natalie or the kids, it was just him and I in that Days Inn, I would have been fine with us staying there in that tiny space for the rest of our lives. 

About three hours into our drive home while I was flipping through a magazine I’d picked up at a rest stop, I could feel Taylor looking at me from the drivers seat every few minutes. Finally, I dropped my magazine in my lap and turned my body in my seat.

“What is it?”

“What?” He glanced at me again before looking out at the road.

“Why do you keep looking at me?”

“I don’t.”

“Yes you do, Taylor, what is it that you want to say? Just say it.”

He sighed, nodding before tapping his fingers on the steering wheel a few times.

“Okay,” he glanced at me again, holding my eyes for a few seconds before looking back out at the road. “I think, well-“ I could see the wheels in his head turning, see him trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say.

“Taylor!”

“What?” He looked at me, giving me a dirty look.

“Spit it out!” I threw my hands in the air, shaking my head.

“Fine, look. I think when we get home, we should go back to how it was before.”

“How it-“ I shook my head. I couldn’t believe him, I must be misunderstanding what he meant. He couldn’t possibly be telling me what I thought he was. “You mean not seeing each other?”

“Yeah,” he exhaled. 

“Are you kidding me?”

He didn’t say anything. He wasn’t looking at me anymore. Maybe I should have seen this coming. If Taylor had shown me anything over the past several months, hell, years, it was that he didn’t really seem to care too much about what I wanted, or me, really.

My instinct, the person who I’d always been, wanted me to tell him no, beg him not to do this to us all over again. I opened my mouth to start trying to talk him down, and then memories of the last handful of years started flashing in my mind. I could feel anger bubbling up inside of me. I figured we were about an hour from home now, and I decided in that exact second that I had had enough of Taylor Hanson and his bullshit.

“Pull over.”

“What?” He finally looked at me again, his eyebrows high on his forehead.

“Pull the car over.”

“Are you crazy? We’re on the highway.”

“If you don’t pull over, I’m just going to open the door,” I put my hand on the door handle, looking at him, daring him to call my bluff.

“Jesus Christ, Zac.”

Taylor huffed, switching to the right lane.

“Let me find a gas station or something.”

“Be quick about it.”

He drove for a couple of minutes and then waved at a sign on the side of the highway.

“There’s a gas station off the next exit.”

I said nothing, waiting for the exit to come. I just wanted to get away from him, I didn’t even care if I got out on the side of the highway, I just couldn’t be next to him anymore. It hit me all at once that I was tired of this back and forth with him and I didn’t want to do it for one more minute. 

Taylor pulled the car off the exit and into the gas station, pulling into a parking space behind the building. I opened the car door and swung my legs out before he grabbed my arm.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving!” 

“What do you mean, we’re an hour from home, where are you going to go?”

“I’ll figure it out,” I stood out of the car and put my hands on the roof, bending down so I was looking in at him. “I can’t deal with this shit with you anymore, Tay.”

“What are you talking about?”

“All the ups and downs and back and forth, you don’t even know what you want.”

“I just-“

“No!” I slammed my hands down on the roof of the car. “You want to fuck me when it’s convenient for you and otherwise you want to act like I don’t fucking exist. I’m done with it.”

“Zac!” Taylor looked around and then back at me. I don’t know what he was looking for, who he thought was standing around listening to us. “Calm down.”

“No, you’re not telling me what to do anymore. You’re not telling me anything. I’m done, Taylor.” I shook my head, backing away from the car. “I’m done with you.”

I slammed the car door and walked into the gas station. I grabbed a Mountain Dew and a candy bar and walked to the register. Once I’d paid, I asked the girl if I could please use the phone. Despite the phone chargers that Taylor had bought, I’d never bothered to charge mine, not wanting to talk to anyone who wasn’t already with me.

I called Isaac, who picked up on the first ring, like he’d just been sitting there waiting for someone to call him. I explained to him that I was stuck an hour from home and I needed him to come get me. He wasn’t all to pleased with me, since this was the first time he’d heard from me since my cancelled wedding, but he agreed to come get me anyway. What a big brother. 

When I walked back outside to wait, Taylor was still there, leaning against the hood of his car. I rolled my eyes and walked over to him.

“Go home, Taylor.”

“I’m not just going to leave you here.”

“I have a ride, just go home,” I uncapped my soda and took a sip, sitting down on the curb in front of the car.

“A ride? You don’t even have a phone.”

“I called Isaac from inside. He’s coming to get me. Please leave.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Me?” I looked up at him, squinting my eyes. “I’ve let you run my life for years. When you want me I let you have me and when you don’t, I just deal with it until the next time you decide that you do. I’m tired of you using me.”

“Using-“ Taylor took a step towards me, he squatted down so that his face was level with mine. “Do you really think that?”

I turned my head so I wasn’t looking at him. I wouldn’t let him see how badly he’d hurt me, I wouldn’t break in front of him. He’d gotten enough out of me, it was high time I stopped giving.

“I’ve never used you. I think you think that this is easier for me than it is for you. It’s not, I’m just trying to do the right thing, Zac.”

I wouldn’t speak, and I wouldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to talk about this, I didn’t want to have a meltdown in a gas station parking lot, I just wanted him to leave. Leave me there and let me start to learn to live without him.

“Zac,” his voice was pleading, but I wouldn’t budge. I’d had enough.

Taylor stood, but I could still feel his gaze on me. After a few minutes of silence I turned my head and looked at him. His face was crumpled, his eyes sad. He was just standing there in front of the car, staring down at me.

“I don’t want to leave you here,” he said softly. I shrugged, saying nothing. “Zac, come on.”

“Tay, just go.” There was no fight left in my voice, there was no fight left in me.

“Do you really want me to leave? 

I threw my hands up and nodded, motioning towards the car. The one time I wanted him gone was the time he wanted to stay. Typical Taylor. 

He dropped his arms to his sides and frowned.

“Okay,” he turned away from me and walked slowly around the car, pulling the door open. “I’m sorry, Zac. I’m sorry. I love you, I’m just trying to do whats right. For both of us.”

He got in the car and turned the engine, backing out of the parking spot. I watched as he drove to the exit and then turned right out of the parking lot. I’d wanted him gone, but that didn’t stop the pain shooting through my heart.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a writing spree these last few days, so I figured, why not just post the chapters instead of hoarding them forever? Patience is not a virtue I possess. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has shown such love in the comments over the last handful of chapters, I'm not saying that it's directly responsible for the writing binge I've landed myself in, but I'm sure it helps a ton.

“Morning.”

I looked up from my laptop to see Taylor walking towards the cabinet we kept the mugs in. He pulled one out and padded to the coffee maker, black and white pajama pants hanging low on his hips. 

“Morning? It’s 12:30,” I smiled, watching him pour a cup of coffee with one hand and attempt to flatten down his bed head hair with the other. 

“I must have really needed sleep,” Taylor shrugged, pulling creamer out of the fridge and preparing his coffee. 

“You slept like a rock all night, barely kicked me at all,” Taylor slept like a toddler most nights, flinging his arms and legs around, constantly moving. He never used to be such a violent sleeper, the accident had changed more than just his memory. Every time I’d ask him what he’d been dreaming of, he’d tell me he didn’t remember. I had decided that he was definitely dreaming of being a ninja. 

“Lucky you,” Taylor grinned, walking around the counter and sliding into the stool next to me. “Whatcha doing there?” He motioned towards my laptop. 

“Looking at houses,” I tilted the laptop a bit so he could see. “I really like this one.”

Taylor looked at the screen over the cup of coffee he was sipping, the liquid too hot, but him being too impatient to get that precious caffeine into his body. 

“It’s so big.”

“We- you have five kids.”

“True. You know, I’ve been thinking about that. I know it upsets Willa, and sometimes Viggo, but I really think they should spend more time here, it’s only going to get worse the longer Natalie keeps them away.”

I nodded my head, he was right. Those kids needed their dad, and they’d barely seen him at all the last few months. Everyone was going to have to learn to adapt to our new challenges, unfortunately even the kids. I made a mental note to give Natalie a visit later in the day, maybe we could figure something out, something that worked for everyone. 

“I’m sure we can work something out,” I smiled. “But first, the realtor called while you were sleeping and we have an offer on the house. A thousand over what we’re asking. She thinks we should accept.”

“Okay,” Taylor nodded. “Let’s accept then.”

“You sure? It happened faster than we expected.”

Truth be told, I was worried about just how fast. It had only been a little over a week since we’d put the house on the market and I was concerned that Taylor would sell the house and then he’d be living here with me for real, and his mind wouldn’t be able to handle it. I found myself constantly worried about any little thing pushing Taylor a little too far, causing him to run from me. Irrational? Maybe. But, I thought of it as some twisted form of self preservation. 

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay,” I nodded, picking my phone up off the counter. “I’ll text her and tell her we accept.”

“Awesome,” Taylor reached over and put his hand on top of mine. “Zac?”

“Yeah?” I turned to him, putting my phone back down on the counter top.

“You really are the best.”

 

“Pass me the dishrag?” 

We were cleaning up after dinner, something we’d taken to doing together every night over the past weeks, something we’d never really done together in what I’d began to call our old life. It’s funny how small things like washing, drying and putting away dishes can feel so important once you almost lose someone. I leaned over and grabbed the towel, handing it to Taylor. 

“Thanks,” he smiled, drying a plate and handing it to me to put away. 

We finished putting the dishes away, Taylor quietly singing along to the radio, me humming along with him. Every now and then we’d catch each other’s eye and smile. I felt content, comfortable with the place we’d found ourselves. There was nothing I could do to put a rush on bringing Taylor’s memory back, so I’d learned that maybe just enjoying having him at all instead of stressing over what was missing was a better way of living. 

Once everything was tidied up and put away we settled down on the couch, a bowl of popcorn between us. 

“Let’s watch something you like tonight,” Taylor said, grabbing the remote and firing up Netflix. I watched as he scrolled through the movies looking for something that I’d enjoy and he’d tolerate. When he landed on Star Wars he looked over at me and smiled, clicking the button.

“Star Wars? Who are you?”

“I don’t even know how many rom-coms you’ve watched for me lately so,” he shrugged, picking up a piece of popcorn and dropping it into his mouth. “I figure I can suffer a little.”

We settled back on the couch, our shoulders touching. Every now and then I could feel Taylor looking at me out of the corner of his eye, but every time I turned my head towards him he’d look back at the TV. After doing this little back and forth for the entire first half of the movie, I finally turned my head and slapped him lightly on the knee.

“What?” He turned and met my stare and I laughed.

“You keep looking at me, but when I look back you pretend you weren’t looking at me at all.”

“No I’m not.”

“Mhmm,” I shook my head, grinning and looked back at the television. Only a few minutes later I saw him look at me out of the corner of my eye again.

“Aha!” I shouted, jumping off the couch and turning my body so I was facing him. I pointed my finger at him. “You did it again!”

“Alright, alright,” he held his hands up, chuckling. “You got me.”

“Well, what is it?”

“it’s just,” he placed the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table and then reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me back onto the couch. “I’ve been thinking a lot about things lately, you know, you and me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and I was just thinking that maybe if, you know,” I could tell he was nervous by the way he was fiddling with my fingers, his eyes not really meeting mine. “Maybe if you…we acted like this never happened, like I remember everything, maybe it’ll help me to actually remember.”

I shook my head, not really understanding what he was getting at. I knew that I’d been treating him with kid gloves a little bit, but in my mind that was to protect him. I didn’t think outside of that I’d really been treating him any different than I always had. Maybe I was wrong.

“I just mean,” he dropped my hand, turning the ring on his middle finger around and around, his eyes jetting around the room.

“Tay, just spit it out.”

“I assume-“ his cheeks were gradually turning red and if he played with that ring any more aggressively I was worried he’d break it. I reached over and took his hands in mine, pressing them down on his thighs.

“Come on, you can say anything to me, Tay.”

“I know, I just feel-“ he shook his head and laughed at himself. “Like an idiot.”

“Hey, I have the market on being an idiot in this relationship,” I smiled, giving his hands a quick squeeze before letting them go. 

“We’re in a _real_ relationship, right?” He turned and faced me and I nodded.

“And I assume that means, you know,” he shrugged. “That we have sex.”

I looked at him for a few seconds and then laughed softly, nodding my head.

“We do, we do have sex.”

“Well,” he looked away again, his shoulders tensing up a little bit. “Maybeweshouldhavesexthen.”

I leaned in to him, lifting an eyebrow.

“Say that again, slower this time.”

“Maybe,” he sighed, looking at me, his forehead knotted up. “We should have sex.”

 

-

 

Isaac’s face was stone when I got into his car a little over an hour later. He looked over at me and opened his mouth and then shook his head, staring into the rearview mirror to back out of the parking spot. We drove almost the entire hour home in near silence, he only spoke when he’d pulled into my driveway and put the car into park.

“You know,” he turned to face me, his jaw set. “I knew you were immature and selfish, but I really didn’t realize how much until now.”

“Ike,” I shook my head, but he held a hand up in between us.

“No. For once, you listen,” he put his hand down and turned his face so he was looking out the windshield at my house. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, or what is wrong with your brain, but you fucking ruined that girl. She’s done nothing but be there for you and be yanked along through your ridiculous teenage angst. You know, she told me that you’ve never even told her you love her. I don’t know what she was thinking, agreeing to marry you, but what were _you_ thinking even asking? It’s clear you don’t love her, not now and probably never. You know, I got stuck here cleaning up your mess for hours that day. Hours of my life gone, consoling a girl I barely even know, listening to her go on and on about you and all the things you’ve put her through. Do you know how exhausting it is to continuously tell someone they’re not an idiot when really you’re thinking that they kind of are? Do you know how fucking angry with you I am?”

He smacked his hand on the steering wheel, finally turning to look at me again. Isaac and I had had our fair share of fights over our lifetime as brothers, but he’d never spoken to me with quite that level of venom in his voice. 

“I’m sorry,” I shrugged, shaking my head slowly. “I’m a fuck up.”

“Yeah, well, at least you have one thing right,” he spat, turning away from me again.

“How could I marry her, Ike? I’m never going to love her, I’ve tried. I did the right thing.”

“You should have figured out the right thing before you had her in a wedding gown that costs more than this car. You humiliated her in front of two hundred people, Zac.”

“I know,” my voice dropped to just above a whisper and I hung my head, staring down into my lap. “I couldn’t go through with it, I just panicked and ran.”

“And Taylor,” I could feel Isaac’s eyes on me again. “I can’t believe he helped you in this, wait until I get a hold of him, too.”

“No,” I looked back up at Isaac, tears stinging the backs of my eyes. “He was just trying to help me.”

Despite how angry I was at Taylor, the thought of Isaac screaming at him, talking to him with as much venom as he had talked to me, made my heart hurt just a little bit.

Isaac sighed then, shaking his head. His face visibly softened in front of me.

“Zac, just get your shit together,” his voice came out exhausted, like he hadn’t slept in weeks. His eyes were suddenly softer, like he’d realized that I wasn’t all put together.

“I’m trying.”

“Try harder,” he shook his head again. “Go in there and apologize to that girl.”

I nodded and thanked him quietly for picking me up. 

 

I don’t know what I was expecting to find when I walked into our house, but every light being off and no sign of life anywhere to be found was not it. I walked to my bedroom and dropped all of my things on the floor, going to the the nightstand by the bed and plugging my phone in. I sank down on the bed and put my head in my hands. I’d managed to lose everything in such a short span of time and I wasn’t sure how I was going to come back from it.

Despite the fact that I couldn’t seem to make myself fall in love with Kate, I never wanted her to be gone from my life. She was the only constant outside of my family that I’d ever really had, and I could barely remember a life before she was in it. I’d never wanted to hurt her, and Isaac was right, I should have come to the realization much sooner than I did. I doubted she’d ever forgive me for standing her up at our own wedding, if I were her I certainly wouldn’t. 

I sat there for a few minutes before reaching over and grabbing my plugged in phone. I powered it up and scrolled down my contacts list, landing on her name. I had to apologize, though I was almost sure she wouldn’t talk to me.

When her soft voice came over the line after only two rings I was so surprised I almost hung up.

“Zac?” 

“Kate,” I sighed, laying back on the bed, my head on the pillow.

The line was silent for what felt like a century. I could hear her breathing and I tried to picture her. Maybe she was sitting down, maybe she was pacing back and forth. I bet she looked beautiful…why couldn’t I love her?

“Where are you?” She finally spoke, shaking me out of my thoughts.

“Home, I just got here.”

“Home,” she repeated. I could hear the sadness in her voice, but there was no anger, I deserved anger.

“Where are you?”

“Natalie’s, I’m um,” she hesitated, the line going silent again for a few seconds. “I’m gonna stay here for a while.”

Of course. The person I’d hurt more than anything would be living with the person who’d broken me over and over again. It seemed like some cosmic joke to me, something that doesn’t really happen to normal people. 

“Kate?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really sorry,” My voice hitched in my throat and I hated myself for it. For once in my life I just wanted to be strong. 

She didn’t say anything. We sat on the phone in the quiet for several minutes, our breathing the only sounds coming over the line. Finally I heard her take a deep breath before she said my name.

“Yeah?”

“Why…why wasn’t I enough for you?”

I actually felt my heart physically shatter inside of my chest. She sounded so sad, her voice so dejected, it made my stomach hurt and my chest tighten up. I squeezed my eyes shut and covered them with my free hand.

“It’s not that, Kate. It’s me, it isn’t you.”

She let out a little laugh, but it wasn’t a happy one.

“Well, isn’t that a line.”

“No, I mean it, Kate,” I couldn’t explain it to her. 

How do you tell the woman you were supposed to marry that you couldn’t go through with it, you couldn’t make yourself love her, and the reason was because you were hopelessly and endlessly in love with your own brother? It would have been one thing if I could have just told her that I was gay, but I wasn’t even convinced that was fully even true. I was positive that my love for Taylor had very little to do with what parts he was carrying, or what gender he was assigned at birth. Sure, I _enjoyed_ his parts, I enjoyed them very much. But, I think I would have loved him just the same if he were a girl. Granted, I didn’t have too much experience with sex to fully understand what I was. There were only two people in my past, and both of them were now gone.

“Look, it really isn’t you. You’re great. Hell, you’re probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I just-“ I rubbed my face, I could tell the tears were fighting to come, and to be honest, I was so tired of crying. “I’m broken or something, okay? I’m broken and not even you could fix me.”

“Did you ever love me, Zac?” Her voice was tired, and my heart ached at being the reason for her mental exhaustion. 

I could have lied. I could have told her what she wanted to hear, maybe it would have made things feel a little bit better for her. Maybe it would have softened the blow I’d leveled on her. But, my brain was telling me that I’d done enough lying, enough damage and I just needed to start owning up to my shit. 

“No,” I said quietly. “Not because you weren’t worthy of it. You are. I just…couldn’t.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I mean, what else can I say? It’s been years. We’ve been together for years, if you don’t love me yet, you never will.”

“I’m sorry, Kate,” I said again. I’d tell her a million times if it would help, but I knew it wouldn’t. 

Two little beeps sounded in my ear, telling me I was getting another call. I lifted my phone from my ear to see who it was. Taylor. I considered telling Kate I had to go, switching over to the other line and letting him apologize. Letting him draw me back in, letting myself forgive him for the millionth time in our lives, but then I thought better of it. He didn’t deserve it, not anymore.

“What will you do now?” I asked after I placed the phone back on my ear.

“I’ll stay here for a few weeks and then I guess I’ll go back home to Georgia.”

“You don’t have to leave because of me.”

“There’s nothing left here for me, Zac,” she sighed. I could picture the face she was making. Her eyebrows drawn together, her mouth in a small pout. 

“Natalie is here.”

“Natalie has Taylor and the kids. She’s too busy to deal with me, plus, I don’t want to be a burden. I can go back to school, get my degree. Make something of myself.”

“Yeah,” I couldn’t help but smile. Kate had always had such big dreams, dreams that I was standing in the way of. I was happy for her that I wasn’t going to be a roadblock in her life anymore. “You’ll be great, Katie.”

“I have to go,” she said, her voice sounded a little less full of sadness now. “Thank you for calling.”

“Maybe we can be friends?” I felt a little silly the minute the words came out, but I really did hate the thought of losing her as a friend. She’d always been so good to me, there for me. I hated the thought of going through the rest of my life without her.

“I don’t know,” I heard Natalie come in the room and ask who Kate was talking to, then I heard her sharply ask why when Kate told her it was me. I couldn’t even be upset with her for her tone, I’d hate me too.

“Maybe someday, probably not,” Kate’s voice was back in my ear. “I don’t know if I can be your friend, Zac.”

“I understand.”

“It’s just that,” her voice hitched again and she breathed into the phone. “You might not have loved me, but I loved you.”

My heart sank a little bit. I guess I always knew that she had loved me. I always knew that her feelings for me were stronger and deeper than mine ever were for her.

“I still do,” the hitch in her voice told me that she was crying now, and suddenly I wished I had never called. I’d made her cry enough. “I have to go.”

And just like that, she was gone.


	21. Chapter 21

“You-“ now it was my forehead that was knotted up, my heart was suddenly beating at twice it’s speed. Out of all the things I’d expected Taylor to say, that wasn’t one of them. “Want to have sex?”

“No. I mean, yes,” he nodded. “Yes. I want to have sex.”

“With me?”

He looked at me, scrunching up his nose.

“No, with Isaac.” He shook his head. “Yeah, with you.”

“Now?”

“I mean,” he shrugged, looking around the room. “Maybe not right this minute, but yeah.”

I felt more than a little bit stupid that Taylor just mentioning sex had me half hard in my jeans, but it had been a while for us, a problem we didn’t usually face. I squirmed in my seat a little, trying to make it as unnoticeable as possible. 

“What, um, brings you to this want all of a sudden?”

“It’s not all of a sudden,” he turned his whole body so he was facing me completely on the couch. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I mean, since we kissed the other night.”

“You have?” 

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I just- I don’t remember having sex, not with you, but I know that we have, and I know that I want to do it again. I know that I want to remember what that’s like.”

“You do,” I felt like I’d forgotten how to form sentences. My mouth was a little bit dry and my hands were sweating a bit. I was full on hard then, thinking about the two of us having sex again for the first time in a long time. I wanted to pick up one of the pillows off the couch and put it in my lap, but I didn’t want to be so obvious or bring any attention to the little problem that had formed in my pants. 

“If-“ he shook his head, looking away again. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine too.”

“No, it’s not that,” I reached out and took his hand again. “I want to, oh God, I want to. I just don’t want you to rush into anything.”

“It doesn’t feel like rushing.”

We looked at each other, neither of us seeming to know what to say anymore. Finally, Taylor shook his head again, letting out a long sigh. I opened my mouth to ask him what was wrong, but before I could get the words out, his hands were sliding around my waist and we were kissing. No matter how long it had been since Taylor had kissed me while remembering everything about us, it felt the way it always had, as if we’d never stopped, as if he’d never forgotten. 

Taylor slipped his hands underneath the hem of my shirt, running them across the skin of my back. He pulled back and looked at me for a second and then stood up, pulling me up with him. He put his hands on my shoulders and ran them down my arms, landing at the hem line of my t-shirt. He ran his fingers underneath it, gripping the hem and slowly pulling it over my head, then dropping it onto the floor. 

He ran his hands over and then down my chest, down and across my stomach, his eyes following them the whole time.

“What’re you doing?” My voice came out barely above a whisper. 

“Remembering you,” Taylor’s eyes rose to meet mine as his fingers landed on the button on my jeans. “I want to remember all of you.”

He undid my jeans, unzipping them and pushing them down, his body sinking to his knees. He ran his hands down my thighs, my calves and then back up the insides of my legs. He hooked his fingers into the waist band of my boxer briefs and pulled them down, nudging my leg for me to step out of them and my jeans. I watched his eyes widen a little bit as he took in my now painfully hard erection. His hand trailed up my thigh, each hair standing on end as his skin moved over mine. He ran his hand lightly over my cock, over the head and then down the underside of it. I couldn’t stop the loud sigh that escaped my mouth and his eyes flitted up to mine from where he was kneeling in front of me.

I bent down a little bit, putting my hands under his elbows and pulling him softly back up to standing.

“You sure you want to do this?” 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” he licked his lips and then smiled at me and I felt my heart do an actual backflip inside of my chest. 

I leaned forward, kissing him, making quick work of getting rid of his shirt, pushing the pajama pants he was still wearing down. He kicked them off to the side and I wrapped am arm around his back, pulling him into me. I was pleasantly surprised when I felt that he was just as hard as me and I smiled against his mouth.

“Come on, we should go to the bedroom,” I pulled away from him, turning and grabbing his hand. 

We stopped at the side of the bed and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. His hands were shaking a little bit and I could feel his heart beating through his skin. 

“It’s okay if you change your mind,” I smiled at him, kissing him lightly.

“No,” he shook his head, sitting down on the edge of the bed and pulling me down so I was sitting next to him. “I wont change my mind.”

“If you want to stop, just tell me. I mean it, we can stop any time.”

“Zac,” he pulled me to him. “Stop worrying about me, I don’t want to stop.”

He kissed me again, moving us as he did so that he was lying back on the bed. He pulled me over him and opened his legs, making room for my body between them. When my hips hit his, rubbing us together I groaned against his mouth, nipping at his bottom lip. He tightened his grip on my back, pushing his hips up against me. 

“Wow,” he breathed, turning his head so that my mouth was against his cheek.

“Feel good?” I whispered, repeating the motion, smiling at the soft moan he let out.

“So good.”

“Wanna feel something better?” I kissed his neck, trailing my hand along the side of his body.

“Better than that?”

“Mmm,” I pushed myself up and then ran my mouth down his chest, kissing it here and there, my hand slipping in between us and wrapping around him. He drew in a breath as I started stroking him. I looked up and he had his head lifted off of the pillow, watching me. I smiled before dipping my head and taking him into my mouth, my tongue running around the tip of his cock.

“Shit,” he groaned, putting a hand in my hair, his fingers wrapping around the strands.

I took all of him into my mouth slowly and his legs tightened around me, his fingers pulling on my hair a little bit.

“That does feel even better,” he breathed. I’d have smiled, but I was too busy working him, relishing in the tiny moans and groans he was letting out.

“Too much longer and I’ll be done,” his voice was hitched, his words punctuated by him sucking his breath in. 

“Uh uh,” I pulled back slowly, looking up at him. “We’re not going to be done yet.”

“If you keep doing that we are.”

“I’ll stop,” I grinned, tilting my head.  
“No,” he pulled gently on my hair. “Don’t stop.”

“Okay,” I smiled, dipping my head back down and taking all of him in, faster than before, my hand wrapping around him and moving with my mouth.

“Fuck,” he hissed, bucking slightly into my mouth. “Shit.”

I trailed my other hand up his thigh and then up his side, my finger landing on his lips. It took him a second to realize what I was telling him to do, but when he did, he opened his mouth, taking my finger into it. He sucked on it, running his tongue around it. I felt my cock throb against the bed, I wouldn’t say it out loud, but I wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to make it, either. 

I brought my hand back down, snaking it underneath me. I felt him tense up when it landed where I wanted it, so I looked up at him, my eyes questioning. 

He nodded, his face screwed up, bottom lip between his teeth. 

I slowly worked my finger into him, watching as his head fell back on the pillow and his back arched a little bit off of the bed.

“Jesus Christ, Zac,” Taylor groaned as I was worked another finger into him. His legs were so tight around me, his hand still gripping my hair tightly. “I want you.”

“Hmm?” He lifted his head off the pillow again and looked at me, his blue eyes clouded.

“I-“ he groaned as I pulled my mouth off of him, my fingers still working a steady rhythm inside him. “need you to be inside of me now.”

“You want me inside you?” I pulled my hand back, covering his body with mine.

“Yes,” he whispered, pulling my face down to his. “So badly.”

I sat back on my knees, positioning myself just right. I looked down at him laying underneath me and I couldn’t help but smile. His face was flush, his hairline damp with sweat. He was looking up at me like he was desperate for me, like he’d never wanted anything as badly as he wanted me right then. I felt my stomach flutter, the unmistakable feeling of love washing over me. I laid my hands on his thighs, squeezing a little bit.

“If it hur-“

“Shut up,” he whined. “Just shut up and fuck me already.”

I laughed, shaking my head.

“Yes, sir.”

I pushed into him slowly, my body instantly electrified by the feeling of being inside of him again. He squeezed his eyes shut, his hands reaching up for my arms. He wrapped his fingers around my biceps and let out a guttural moan as I slid out and then back into him. I found a rhythm that wasn’t going to force me to come right then and there and then I leaned over him until our entire bodies were touching. 

“Is this okay?” I laid small kisses underneath his ear.

“More than okay,” he was thrusting up into me, his nails digging into the skin of my back. 

“Feel good?” I moved my arm so it was in between us. 

“Mmm,” he pulled my face to his and kissed me hungrily, his hand landing on the back of my neck as I started stroking him in time with my thrusts. “I don’t know how I could forget this.”

 

“You’re hogging the water,” Taylor shoved me softly, leaning his head back to wet his hair. 

“Well, now you’re hogging it,” I laughed, wrapping my arms around his wet waist and pressing my body against him, tipping my head forward and wetting my own hair. 

We’d both decided that we’d gotten a little bit too dirty in our quest to make Taylor remember, and the only thing to do was help each other wash the after effects away. My head was still a little foggy from sleeping with him for the first time since the accident. The after glow was mixed in with a slight fear that he’d eventually freak out. I kept trying to tell myself to stop thinking that way, to calm down about him running from me, but I couldn’t help it. The thought that he’d wake up and realize that what we were doing was inherently wrong just wouldn’t leave my mind. I tried to shake myself out of it by placing my wet lips on his even more wet neck, pulling the skin in between my teeth gently. 

“Zac?”

“Yeah?” I pulled back, wiping a few stray droplets of water away with the back of my hand.

“Do we always-“ he made a face like he was trying to figure out how to ask what he wanted to know. “When we…is it always you…” He let out a groan and covered his eyes with one hand. 

“Are you asking me if I’m always the one fucking you?”

He groaned again and I laughed, pulling him closer to me.

“No,” I laid a trail of kisses from his neck to his mouth, and then over to his ear. I nipped at it lightly before whispering, “why, do you want to fuck me?”

He pulled back from me slightly, running his hands down my wet body, smiling when he found that I was hard again.

“I think I’d like that very much,” he put his other hand on my arm, turning us so that my back was to the water. He sank slowly to his knees, his hands trailing down my body again, his fingers wrapping around my, once again, throbbing dick. “But first, I think I want to do this.”

When he slid his lips over the head of my dick, his tongue swirling around it, my head fell back, the water streaming over my face. As he took all of me into his mouth, my hand shot out to the tile shower wall to hold myself up.

“Good idea,” my other hand landed on the top of his head, my fingers tangling themselves in his wet hair. “Very good idea.”

 

-

 

It was Christmas and I hadn’t seen Taylor since the day he’d left me at the gas station. I hadn’t even spoken to him. A month and a half isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, but to me it felt like six years. He’d called. About a hundred times. But, I wouldn’t break. I meant it when I said I was sick of his shit, and even though there were plenty of nights when I was alone in my house and hadn’t spoken to anyone in days where the only thing I wanted to do was call him and beg him to come over, make things right between us, I stopped myself every single time. 

I had no idea where my new resolve had come from. I’d always been what could be called putty in Taylor’s hands, but that day in the car when he’d told me he thought we should go back to nothing, something in me snapped. I couldn’t allow him to keep coming in and out of my life in the way he had, it couldn’t be good for either of us, and I sure as shit knew it wasn’t good for me. I found myself missing him less and less as the days went on, until a particularly lonely night would hit and all I would do was sit on my couch and remember every sickening moment we had ever spent together. 

My new habits probably had a lot to do with my newfound will to avoid Taylor. I wasn’t particularly proud of it, but I’d discovered that I had a love within me for cheap beer and cheaper weed. It was shocking just how many liquor stores in Oklahoma _didn’t_ card you, and even more shocking how easy it was to score marijuana around here. 

I wouldn’t say I had a problem, exactly, just that I liked to dull my pain a little bit from time to time, and a six or a twelve pack of PBR or a good joint did just the trick. I’d been living off of pizza and beer since Kate had left, and I might have gained a good ten pounds and more than a couple hangover home remedies, but at least I wasn’t falling into bed with Taylor and letting him take advantage of me anymore. 

I was sitting in my car in my parents driveway, dreading going in for their annual Christmas bash when there was a small rap on my passenger side window. I jumped, turning my head to see Natalie standing there, bouncing from one foot to the other, little puffs of white leaving her mouth every time she breathed out. I shook my head and hit the button to unlock the doors of the car and motioned for her to get in.

“What’re you doing out here?” She asked as she slid into the seat, shutting the door behind her. 

“Avoiding going inside, what are you doing out here?”

“Well, your mom kept looking out the window at you sitting here. She’s worried about you.”

“I’m fine, Nat.”

I hadn’t seen or spoken to Natalie since the wedding that never was, either. The thought that if it weren’t for her, exactly none of this would have ever happened briefly flew through my mind before I shook my head and rolled my eyes at myself. That wasn’t fair. I’d never been fair to her, and I was going to stop doing that right then. 

“You don’t look fine,” I turned my head to find her carefully examining me. Her lips were turned down in a frown and her eyes looked sad.

“I am, okay? I’m fine.”

“Zac, it’s okay to not be okay,” Natalie shook her head, shrugging her shoulders. “Sometimes I’m not okay. Everyone is not okay every now and again.”

“I have no right to not be okay,” she frowned deeper at my words. “I’ve fucked everything up, I’m just living with it now.”

“You know,” Natalie turned her whole body so her knee was up on the seat, her foot tucked underneath her other leg. It was amazing to me sometimes how small she was, how she could fit into places in ways that I’d never be able to get my body into. “I’ve thought a lot about this, Zac. Kate’s my best friend, the best friend I’ve ever had, but if you don’t love her, and you just can’t love her, you did the right thing. Y’all were bound to fall apart sooner or later, a marriage can’t survive when only one half of the whole is in love.”

I blinked a couple of times, not sure what to say. What she said made perfect sense, but it didn’t stop me from feeling like absolute shit.

“Do you love Taylor?” I finally said.

“Of course I do,” she smiled. “I love him very much.”

“And he loves you just the same?”

“I like to think so,” she rose an eyebrow. “I know he does. We wouldn’t have made it this far if he didn’t.”

I looked at her for a long moment, turning everything over in my head. She was right, of course he loved her. He’d chosen her over me so many times, he’d proven it to me. I guess I’d always known that he loved her, more than he loved me, I just never wanted to admit it to myself, choosing instead to think of their marriage as the result of an oops they’d made, two stupid kids ruining their own lives, and taking mine down with them. 

“Zac?” She reached a hand out, letting it land on my thigh. Her eyes were always so kind, Taylor really had lucked out with her. “Why couldn’t you love her? Be honest, is there someone else?”

“I-“ I shook my head, her question totally unexpected. I looked down at the center console that was in between us and sighed. “Yeah. There’s someone else.”

“Then why did you stay with her for so long? Has there always been someone else?”

I nodded, frowning. This was probably the last conversation we should be having, her and I. As far as I saw it, she never needed to know that the someone else for me was her husband, the father of her child. 

“Why aren’t you with them, then? Why Kate instead?”

“I can’t be with hi- them,” I shook my head, my stupid eyes were stinging again and oh God, I would not cry today. 

“Why not?”

“They don’t love me,” I looked back up at her. “And like you said, it can’t work if only one half is in love.”

“Well, only an idiot wouldn’t love you, Zac.”

“No,” I shook my head again, giving her a small smile. “It’s just, they have someone else. Someone way better than me.”

She let out a little ‘aww’ and patted my knee lightly before giving me a small smile. 

“Well then, aren’t they just an idiot, because I’m positive there isn’t anyone out there better than you.” She winked and then patted my knee again. “Come on, lets get you inside. It’s Christmas and your Mama is probably in there worried sick by now.”

As she turned to get out of the car, I swore I saw a look of knowing flash through her eyes, but I shrugged it off, joining her in the cold. 

 

I’d barely taken two steps into the house when my mother rushed to me and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me in tightly to her.

“Oh, baby, I’m so happy you’re here,” she spoke into my hair.

“Me too, Mom,” I gave her a quick squeeze before pulling away from her.

“There’s food out in the kitchen and everyones mingling all over. You go have some fun, you deserve it.”

Ha, I deserved it. In the month and a half since I’d ran away from my wedding to Kate, my mother hadn’t brought it up to me once. I think she had some sixth sense that I didn’t want to talk about it and so she just took it for what it was and moved on. She hadn’t, however, moved on from the fact that she hadn’t seen much of me in that time. I’d been spending almost all of my time holed up at home, wallowing in my own self pity. I’d even considered going out and getting a job, which was something that I’d never given a passing thought to in my entire life, but I thought maybe it would help me to keep my head away from what I’d done to Kate, and more importantly, wanting Taylor. She’d popped by my house a couple of times, but for the most part, she’d just been calling me once or twice a day, reminding me that she existed and that she needed her son to come around more.

I found myself in the kitchen, dumping a beer into a red solo cup to try to keep the fact that I was drinking from my parents, when Isaac walked up behind me, clapping his hand on my shoulder. I turned to him as I took a large gulp of my beer and lifted my eyebrows.

“Hey,” I said, taking another sip.

“Hey,” he took the cup from my hand and smelled it before shaking his head and handing it back to me. “Look, I just wanted to apologize for being so hard on you. I’d have done it sooner, but you’ve all but disappeared.”

“Don’t apologize, I deserved it,” I shrugged, taking four large sips of my beer and walking to the fridge to grab another one. 

“Yeah, you did,” he grinned. “But, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m your brother and I’m supposed to be there for you. Maybe I should have been asking you _why_ instead of reaming you a new asshole.”

“It’s fine, Ike, really,” I poured my new beer into my red cup and immediately drained half of it into my mouth. I probably shouldn’t be drinking so fast, not here, but if people were going to insist we talk about Kate and the things I’d done all night, I was going to need to. 

“Listen, if you ever need to, you know, talk-“ Isaac shrugged. “I’m here for you, okay?”

“I know you are,” I smiled at him, hoping it would convince him that I was, in fact, fine. “I’m fine though, I mean it. You all need to stop worrying about me.”

“It’s hard to do when you’re-“ he shook his head, like he didn’t know the words. “So unlike yourself lately.”

“I’m getting there, I’ll be back to good ol’ me in no time, don’t you worry.”

“Well, don’t get ahead of yourself. Maybe, a little less you than before would be fine. You know, maybe a little calmer.”

“Right,” I grinned, draining the rest of the beer in my cup. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Please do,” he laughed. “Hey, have you seen Tay?”

“No,” I felt my face drop at the mention of his name. 

“He was here, but I haven’t seen him in a while.”

“Well, Mom’s holding Ezra right there, so he’s obviously somewhere.”

I walked to the fridge and grabbed another beer, not bothering with the Solo cup this time. I uncapped it and walked out of the kitchen. I made my way through the house and halfway down the basement stairs when I heard Taylor’s voice coming from around the corner. 

“He’s not my problem anymore,” he sounded angry, maybe a little bit drunk. I guess I wasn’t the only one hitting the booze to get through my life lately.

“He’s your _brother_ Taylor,” Natalie’s voice was soft but stern. 

“He doesn’t want to be my brother,” his words stabbed me in the chest. I was frozen on the stairs, listening to them argue over me in the basement, and as much as I wanted to turn round and run back up the stairs, I couldn’t. “He doesn’t want anything to do with me at all.”

“Tay, what _happened_ in Dallas? Why are you guys not talking? I don’t understand any of this.”

“I told you that I don’t want to talk about it, Natalie, why can’t you leave it alone?”

“Because I’m your wife, and I love you, and coincidentally I love Zac too. I want to see everyone happy again.”

“Again?” Taylor scoffed. “I don’t think Zac’s been happy for a long time, Nat. And unfortunately I think some of that is my fault. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I need to respect that. I’ve done enough to hurt him over the years, it’s time I let him fix himself.”

“What are you talking about?” Natalie’s voice was confused, I could practically see her knitted eyebrows, her nose scrunched up. “How could it be your fault?”

“Nat, please,” Taylor sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it. Please.”

They were quiet for a few seconds and then Natalie sighed out an okay.

“Don’t stay down here too long, your mom will worry.”

Before I could turn and make my exit, Natalie rounded the corner to the stairs. She looked up, her hand on the railing, and saw me. She frowned and shrugged her shoulders, walking up the four steps to where I was standing. 

“It’ll be okay,” she whispered, putting a hand on my arm. “We just need to give it time.”

 

I was slouched down on the couch in the living room with a hand over my eyes when I felt the couch dip next to me. I slid my fingers open and saw Isaac sitting there. Everyone had finished opening gifts an hour ago, but I’d had one (or three) too many beers, and the thought of getting up was too hard, so I’d just stayed where I was, and everyone seemed to give me the space to collect myself, which never happened around here.

“Why don’t I drive you home?” Isaac said quietly. “We can come back and get your car tomorrow.”

“Mmm,” I nodded once, dropping my hand to my lap.

“You shouldn’t drink so much.”

“I know.”

“Come on, let’s get you out of here while Mom’s upstairs. No one wants to deal with her fretting.”

He stood and held a hand out to help me off the couch, which I took gratefully. He lead me through the living room and out the door, on to the steps, where I walked into something hard.

“Hmpf,” I looked down and saw him sitting there. Taylor, a clove between his fingers, looking up at me, a shocked look on his face.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, attempting to walk around him and stumbling. He stood to his feet quickly and threw out his arms to stop me from falling down the few steps to the walkway.

“Jesus,” he muttered, standing me up straight and taking his hands off of me, rubbing them on his pants as if he were trying to get rid of any part of me that may have rubbed off on him. 

“Zachary here drank a little too much,” Isaac chuckled, putting a hand on my elbow and leading me down the three steps. “I’m gonna drive him home. You alright?”

“Fine,” Taylor said, sitting back down on the steps, placing his clove in between his lips and taking a drag.

“Right,” I snorted, rolling my eyes.

“What?” Taylor looked up at me.

“Nothin’.”

“No,” Taylor stood up. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing, jeez,” I crossed my arms over my chest and stood up straight. 

“What the fuck’s your problem, Zac?” Taylor took a step towards me, his eyes squinted just a bit. 

“Fuck’s _your_ problem?” I waved an arm in his direction. “Don’t act like you give a shit.”

“I-“ he sighed and shook his head, tossing his clove onto the ground. “You know what? You’re right. I _don’t_ give a shit. Not anymore.”

“Never did, did you?” I shrugged and felt a stab of satisfaction as his cheeks turned a little bit red. “He’s not my problem anymore, isn’t that what you told your wife?”

“You-“ he crossed his arms, mirroring my position. “You heard that?”

“Yeah, I heard that. I heard it, and you’re right. I _don’t_ want to be your brother anymore.”

His face dropped, and his arms fell to his sides. I instantly regretted the words, but I shoved that down. I didn’t want to regret them, and I didn’t want to care about Taylor’s feelings. I wanted him to hurt, just like I did. 

“Zac, come on, let’s just get you home,” Isaac took a step, trying to pull me along with him, but I wouldn’t move.

“In fact,” I tilted my head. “I’d like to never have to see you again.”

“I don’t know what this is,” Isaac said. “I don’t even think I want to, but I need to get you home before you say some more things you can’t take back.”

Isaac looked at Taylor, shaking his head.

“He’s drunk, he doesn’t mean it.”

“No,” Taylor’s voice was cold and even, his eyes boring into mine. “He means it.”

We stared each other down, neither one of us willing to break our gaze, neither one of us willing to let the other one win. I could have gone on like that for hours, I was ready and willing to be the victor in our little war. Isaac had other plans, though.

“Zachary, I mean it, we are leaving. It’s fucking Christmas, you guys,” he shook his head and pulled on my arm, hard, breaking my stance, forcing my eyes away from Taylor’s. “Fight it out tomorrow for all I care, but not right now, and definitely not here.”

“He’s right,” Taylor sighed, shaking his head, a look of disgust on his face. “And so are you. Don’t worry, you don’t have to see me again.”

He turned on his heel and walked up the steps and into the house, and I always thought it sounded so stupid when people said things like this, but I swear he took half of my heart with him.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter clocks in at just over 7,600 words, so I'm apologizing now for the length. It ran away with me and I couldn't find anything I wanted to cut enough to actually do it.
> 
> I also never intended for this story to have so much smut in it, something seems to be happening to my brain while I'm writing it, so if you're as shocked as me about the overwhelming amount of sex, I apologize for that as well.

When I opened my eyes it was after eleven in the morning. I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept so late. I’d always been a bit of a big sleeper, but with everything going on with Taylor, I was up with the sun almost every day, unable to sleep through my never ending worry and my brain constantly telling me that something disastrous was bound to happen. When I looked over at Taylor’s side of the bed I was surprised to find it empty. 

I got up, pulling on a pair of pajama pants and made my way to the kitchen where I was a little surprised to see Taylor sitting on one side of the counter, my mother and Zoe at the other.

“Zac!” Zoe’s eyes lit up when she saw me.

“Hey Zo,” I smiled. “Mom.”

I walked to the fridge and pulled out the orange juice, taking a long sip straight from the bottle.

“I see some things haven’t changed,” I closed the fridge to see my mom smiling at me. I nodded, smiling a little and walked over, sitting down on the stool next to Taylor.

“Morning,” I smiled at him.

“Morning,” he smiled back, leaning in to kiss me lightly on the mouth.

When I turned back to my mom and sister, I didn’t miss the look of revulsion on my mothers face. It was gone as quick as it came, but it had been there, and I had noticed. 

“So, what brings you two around here today?” I shook off my feelings about the look I’d seen and smiled.

“We just wanted to visit, see how Taylor was doing. And you,” Zoe smiled, picking up the coffee mug sitting in front of her and taking a sip before putting it back down. “And, I have a question for the two of you, now that you’re here.”

“What’s up?” I smiled. Every time I saw Zoe I was struck by how much I missed her. 

“Well, as you know, I’m getting married in a month, and,” she smiled big. “I want the two of you to be in the wedding. I know you don’t know Sullivan, but you’ll meet him soon, and we’ve talked about it and nothing would make me happier than to have all of my big brothers standing up for us.”

“Wow, Zo,” I smiled, shaking my head. “I mean, I’d be honored.”

I looked over at Taylor who was beaming.

“Me too!” 

“Great!” Zoe clapped her hands, smiling over at our mom. “I told you they’d want to!”

“I just thought with everything going on that you boys might be a little hesitant, but I’m so glad you’re not,” my mom smiled, her eyes following Taylor’s hand as it slid across the counter and his fingers intertwined with mine. 

I leveled my gaze on her face and when she looked up, she noticed. She shook her head and smiled again.

“Well, we’d better run. We have Zoe’s hair and makeup trial for the big day in a couple of hours,” my mom stood from her seat and picked up her handbag. “It was nice seeing you two.”

“You have to go already?” Taylor frowned. “Zac just woke up.”

“Maybe next time we’ll be able to spend more time,” Mom smiled. 

She walked around the counter and wrapped Taylor in a hug and then did the same to me.

I walked her and Zoe to the door, hugging my sister tightly.

“Hey, don’t be a stranger. You can come by anytime,” I said into her hair.

“I know. And I will,” she leaned back and smiled. “Everything’s been so busy, what with the wedding and all, but I should have more free time soon.”

“Good, I want to spend more time with you.”

“Me too, Zac,” she smiled. 

I watched them walk down the walkway and get into my moms car and then I shut the door.

As much as I had enjoyed my mothers company the last time she was here, I couldn’t push down the feeling in my stomach telling me that she was danger to my life. The look that was on her face when Taylor had kissed me had burned itself into my brain, and everything in me was telling me that she hadn’t changed and she wasn’t here to form some new, everlasting bond with us. I didn’t know what her motive could possibly be, but I think it had a name: Taylor. 

Taylor and Zoe had always been my mothers favorite children. Just like any other mother, if anyone asked her who her favorite was, she’d never admit to it, saying she loved all her children equally. But, it was a badly kept secret in my family that Taylor and Zoe were the golden children. Taylor, because he’d always succeeded at anything he put his hand to, and Zoe because she was the baby. It had never really bothered me, and as far as I knew it had never really bothered any of my other siblings, either, but now I found myself concerned. 

My cellphone shook me out of my thoughts about my mother and I turned to the counter where it was sitting, picking it up and looking at the name on the screen. It was our realtor. I answered, talking to her for a few minutes, Taylor looking at me expectantly. When I hung up, I finally looked up at him, a smile spreading across my face. 

“Well, congratulations, Mr. Hanson,” a little smile was playing at his lips and his eyes were full of question. “You’ve sold your house!”

“Really?” He jumped up from his seat and ran over to me, putting his hands on my forearms. “They said yes? They want it?”

“Yes!” I smiled, the look of pure happiness on his face giving me little pangs of joy. “We close next Monday.”

“Yeah!” Taylor actually jumped for joy a little bit before pulling me in and smashing his lips up against mine. The sudden and excited kiss shocked me a bit, but it wasn’t long before shock wore away to want and my lips were moving with his, our hands tangling up in each others hair.

“You,” Taylor punctuated his kisses with words. “Are…the…best.”

I laughed against his mouth, pulling him a little closer to me and kissing him harder. He sighed into me and I could feel him trying not to smile. 

I pulled away a little bit and then pecked him on the mouth one more time for good measure.

“We should celebrate.”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing?” Taylor leaned forward and kissed me again, whining a little bit when I pulled away again.

“I was thinking something a little more dignified,” I chuckled. “Like, maybe I could take you out to lunch, buy you drink.”

“A drink sounds good,” he smiled, leaning in to kiss me again. He moved his lips slowly from my mouth to my neck. “But, this sounds better.”

His hand slowly trailed from my neck down my side, his hand landing on my half hard erection. 

“Jeez, give a guy a little sex once and it’s all he wants you for,” I laughed softly, feeling my shoulders tense as he began to rub me softly through my pajama pants.

“I want you,” he looked into my eyes, his eyes sparkling. “For so many reasons. But, this one doesn’t hurt.”

“So, you liked it then?” I grinned, tilting my head as his lips found my neck again.

“Liked it?” Taylor slowly moved us until my back was against the wall next to the front door. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”

He moved his hand away and pressed his body against mine, his own erection rubbing against mine. My back arched off the wall slightly all of it’s own doing and I couldn’t help the small moan that left my lips.

“Zac?” He whispered in between small kisses to my neck.

“Yeah?”

“Can I…” his words trailed off, his lips moving to my own.

“What, Tay?” I breathed, another roll of his his onto mine making my knees shake a little bit.

“Can I-“ his voice was low, husky. His lips all over my face, neck, shoulder., his hands slowly pushing my pajama pants to the floor. “Make love to you…right here?”

“Oh god,” I leaned my head back against the wall as he sunk to his knees in front of me, his mouth hot as it took me into it. “Yes, please do.”

 

It was amazing to me that we had spent the last months in my home together, barely touching, and suddenly Taylor’s sexual appetite seemed unquenchable. We’d moved from the wall in the kitchen to the floor in the living room, and thats where we we lying, our legs wrapped around each others, Taylor’s fingers drawing lazy patterns on my skin.

“Has it always been this good for us?” Taylor said around a yawn.

“What do you mean?”

“The sex,” he chuckled. “It’s just that…it’s _so_ good.”

I laughed a little bit, pulling him a little bit closer to me, turning so that I was on my side, looking at him.

“Yes, the sex has always been this good.”

“Wow,” Taylor grinned lazily. 

“How about that drink now?” I leaned down, placing a kiss on his forehead, then another on his cheek, one more on his red lips. 

 

Two weeks flew by, Taylor and I closing on his house, looking for new ones for us to live in together, marking every room in my current house by making love on every surface we could find that would hold our weight. I guess sex was like potato chips to Taylor, once he had it once, he couldn’t stop, he just wanted it all the time. 

Now, we were standing in the bedroom, officially our bedroom now, getting ready for Zoe and Sullivan’s joint wedding shower. Joint wedding showers were something I’d never really understand. As far as I was concerned, men just didn’t really care for these things, so why force them to participate? Don’t get me wrong, I was incredibly happy for Zoe, every time she spoke about Sullivan, her face lit up. You could tell she really loved him. There was a small part of me concerned about her being so young and making such a huge life commitment, but that was how our family went, mostly. 

“You look nice,” Taylor smiled, taking in my khaki pants and light blue button down shirt. He was fully done up in black suit pants paired with a white button down, the sleeves folded up to his elbows, a light blue tie giving him a pop of color. He walked to the closet, pulling a light blue scarf off the rack and began wrapping it around his neck.

I laughed, walking over to him and removing his hands from the scarf, unwrapping it and placing it back where it came from.

“No,” I grinned, shaking my head and kissing him lightly on the lips. 

“What? Why not?” He crossed his arms, a small pout forming where my lips had just been.

“It’s too much, just trust me.”

“You don’t know anything about fashion,” he sighed, shaking his head but apparently listening to me as he sat down on the end of the bed and pulled his _brown_ boots on.

“I’d say that makes two of us.”

 

When we walked into the backyard of Zoe’s fiancé’s family member, I was struck by how _rich_ the place looked. There were giant floral arrangements everywhere, tables set with flowing pink tablecloths, beautiful sparkly centerpieces and actual china plate settings. There was an _actual_ fountain in the middle of the yard, one like you’d see at an old time mansion. The yard was packed with people, most of which I’d never seen in my life, but it looked like an actual fairy tale. If the shower was this fancy, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what the wedding would be like. 

“Taylor! Zachary!” My mom gushed upon laying her eyes on us. She rushed over, pulling the both of us into a tight hug at the same time. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Us too,” Taylor smiled, putting a hand on our mothers shoulder and squeezing lightly. She beamed up at him as if the second coming of Jesus Christ has just bestowed a precious gift on her. I found myself rolling my eyes without being able to do anything to stop it, and was relieved when Zoe and who I assumed was the man she was gearing up to be married to, breezed up to us. 

“I’m so happy you guys made it,” she smiled, hugging Taylor and then wrapping her arms around me. “Guys, this is Sullivan, the man of my actual dreams. Sully, these are my older brothers, Taylor and Zac.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” the man- really, more of a boy, baby faced and ruddy cheeked- stuck his hand out for each of us to shake. “I’ve heard so much about you, I feel like I know you already.”

He turned his attention to Taylor and smiled.

“And I’m glad to see you’re okay, up and moving. Zoe had been so worried.”

“Good as new,” Taylor smiled. “Almost.”

I slid my arm around Taylor’s waist, smiling over at him. When my gaze landed on my mother, her forehead was twisted up, her eyes locked on my hand lying on Taylor’s hip.

“How are you doing, Mom?” I spoke, watching as she shook herself out of whatever thought process was happening in her mind. She looked up at me and smiled softly.

“I’m doing well, Zac. Thank you for asking.”

“Taylor,” her eyes moved to Taylor’s face and she put a hand on his elbow. “There are a few people here who’d love to speak with you about your accident. Sullivan’s family is just full of doctors, isn’t it Sully?”

Sullivan smiled proudly and nodded at my mother, who was gently pulling Taylor out of my grasp. Isaac walked over just then, clapping me on the shoulder, saying he was happy to see me at a family function again. Mom practically beamed at Isaac.

“Good, Ike, you’re here. Why don’t you introduce Zachary to some of the people he doesn’t know. I’m just going to steal Taylor away for a nip.”

I looked between my mothers face and Taylor’s, an eyebrow up, my mouth slightly open. Taylor just smiled at me a nodded once, shrugging. The last thing I wanted to do was let my mother sweep Taylor away from me at the first family party we’d attended in years, but he seemed so happy, practically shining at the thought of our mother showing him off, I just didn’t have the heart to stop them, even if every single reactor in my brain was screaming at me to do just that. 

 

I was standing by a giant easel, looking over the large, ornate frame that someone had put together, a collage of photos of Zoe and Sullivan, some together, some of them as babies, pictures of them progressing from toddlers to adults. I held a beer bottle in my hand, a smile on my lips seeing Zoe’s entire life play out on that frame in front of me. 

I hadn’t seen Taylor in well over an hour, since my mom had rushed him away to meet all the fancy, rich doctors in our new in-law family. I found myself rolling my eyes when I thought about it. Of course Diana Hanson would want all of her offspring to get in well with a rich, well bred family. 

I heard them before I saw them, my mother and Isaac’s hushed voices. I leaned over a little bit to look around the frame standing on the easel in front of me. They were standing close together, Isaac’s hands moving around as he spoke, my mothers face set. 

“What you’re doing is wrong,” Isaac hissed. “He’s going to realize and you’re going to lose them again.”

“Isaac, dear, please don’t be so dramatic,” my mother waved a hand at him.

“Dramatic? I’m not being dramatic, Mom,” he huffed. I watched him take a long sip of his beer before stepping a little closer to her. “You have a…very attractive girl practically throwing herself at Taylor, when you damn well know that him and Zac are together. _Really_ together Mom, this isn’t some weird teenage fling. They have a life together. You need to either accept it or accept that you can’t have them in your life, and the only one to blame will be yourself.”

It was taking my brain a little too long to catch up to what it was hearing. My first thought was instant love and adoration towards my older brother. Hearing him stand up for me- stand up for Taylor and I- caused my chest to tighten up a little bit, and I couldn’t help the smile that was forming on my lips. And then, like a wrecking ball, the rest of what he’d said hit me, square in the chest, turning the loving feeling into one of dread. 

“Isaac, you know what the Bible says about homosexuality, never mind the fact that they’re _brothers_ , do you really want your loved ones rotting in hell for all of eternity.” She scoffed then. “For all we know it’s too late and they’ll end up there anyway, but don’t I, as their mother, have a responsibility to do what I can to fix the damage they’ve done? Don’t you, their brother?”

“Mom, honestly,” I watched Isaac’s face transform into something I’d compare to hatred. “ _Fuck_ the Bible. If it means destroying the people you love, I want nothing to do with it.”

“Isaac!” My moms hand flew to her chest, and I decided right then and there that I didn’t care to hear anything else she had to say. I had to find Taylor.

I turned and speed walked across the yard, looking every which way for a sign of him, but none came. When I’d almost made it to the door I finally saw Zoe out of the corner of my eye. I rushed to her side and grabbed her wrist.

“Have you seen Tay?”

“Um-“ she shook her head. “No, I- whats wrong, Zac?”

“I need to find him, Zo. You sure you haven’t seen him?”

“Last I saw him he was with mom, talking to Sullivan’s parents and sister.”

“Does Sullivan’s sister happen to be a,” I held up air quotes. “Very attractive girl?”

“What?” Zoe laughed a little and then nodded. “I mean, yeah. She’s gorgeous.”

“Great,” I sighed, rubbing my forehead. “I have to find him, Zo. I’ll talk to you later.”

I turned on my heel and slid the sliding glass door to the house open, stepping inside. I closed it behind me, standing still for a moment. I had no idea where they could be, I didn’t know the layout of this house, I didn’t even really know who it belonged to, all I knew was that Taylor must be somewhere inside of it, and I had to find him and get him out of it. Get him away from it.

They weren’t in the kitchen, and they weren’t in the dining room that was connected to it, either. I walked through the dining room and into the small hallway, no idea where I was heading. I heard the laughter before I reached the doorway to the living room, markedly female, light and airy. 

As I looked into the very expensive looking living room from behind the door jamb, I took in the scene before me. Taylor sat on the couch with a very pretty and petite blonde girl perched next to him, much closer than I was comfortable with. She was leaning into him, giggling at whatever he was telling her. Her hand was rested on his thigh, red painted fingernails contrasting with his black dress pants. 

“Your mom says you have, like, memory loss,” the girl’s voice was sing song and slightly high pitched. 

“Yeah, I had an accident…a car accident. They say it’ll all come back to me,” Taylor shrugged, seemingly oblivious to the fact that blonde girl’s fingers were dangerously close to a place that, in my own opinion, only my fingers belonged.

“Do you know what else your mom said?” The girl cocked her head to the side. She was wearing too much makeup. I was positive her hair wasn’t even naturally that shade of blonde.

“What?”

“She said,” the girls hand moved up a few centimeters. I’m not sure if Taylor noticed, but I did. If he did, he made no move to show it. My stomach was starting to hurt a little bit, and if I weren’t a man, I’d probably walk in there and bitch slap that girl. “That you should take me out on a date.”

“Did she?” Taylor’s eyebrow rose and his nose scrunched up a little bit.

“Yeah,” the girl leaned in even more. “She said we have a lot in common, that I’m just your type.”

Her hand moved up a little bit more, her face was inching dangerously close to his.

“Am I?” She asked, her voice taking on a little bit of a rough sound to it. “Am I your type, Taylor?”

“Um,” Taylor’s eyebrow descended back to it’s normal place, his cheeks were growing a small blush, something that age had never stopped from happening to him. He was staring at her, he brought his lip between his teeth and then let it go. “I…don’t know?”

I swore I heard a slight slur in his voice, which shocked me almost more than what I was witnessing unfolding in front of me. He’d been careful to never have more than one or two beers lately, concerned about what getting too drunk would do to his brain. 

“Maybe we should find out,” the girl smiled, and I swear her eyes looked wicked. It was like I was watching a movie and the antagonist was sitting feet from me, almost pressed up against the person I loved. 

I watched, unable to move, unable to speak, as the girl leaned in and pressed her lips to Taylor’s lips, her red painted fingers sliding around his neck, her other hand still resting on his thigh. 

_Push her away_ , my mind was racing, but I was stuck. _Taylor, push her away._

His hand rose, and I grinned, knowing he was going to do it. He was going to push her away from him, he was going to get up and run to me, tell me what happened. We’d leave this overly decorated heathens den and we’d never come back.

But.

He didn’t.

His hand landed on her neck and his lips moved with hers. I watched in horror as their lips parted, tongues dancing with one another. Her hand moved again, finally landing where it had been inching towards the whole time and he let out a small moan. It reverberated around the room, echoing in my head, louder and louder and I swear I could hear it mixing with the sound of my heart shattering into a million tiny shards inside of my chest.

 

-

 

Sixteen.

That’s how many months it had been since I’d seen Taylor.

Since I’d spoken to Taylor. 

Since I’d been sober for a full day.

I knew my life was falling apart around me. I knew I was destroying it all with my very own hands, but I couldn’t make myself stop. 

Even Isaac had stopped coming around so much. At first, he was calling and knocking on my door daily, reminding me that despite what was going on personally between Taylor and I, we had a band to think about. _Fuck the band_ I had told him. As far as I was concerned, the band was over. As dead and buried as Taylor and I. Now, Isaac came by about once a week, I assume to check on me. He never seemed pleased by what he found when he got here. He’d ceremoniously pick up my empties, dump them in the trash, shove some food my mother sent him with into my cupboards and fridge, remind me to eat. _Shower once in a while, too_ , he’d say every so often. 

I’d all but lost the will to do any of those things. Or much else.

It had been no secret that I’d always struggled with my mental health. I’d always managed to somehow keep it under control, just below the surface, a distant threat, until the day Taylor and I had returned from Dallas. It was as if the mountain in my brain was struck by lightening and suddenly rocks and debris were falling, rolling from the top all the way to the bottom, exploding in flashes of light, the smoke never really clearing. 

More often than not, I hated myself. I hated how weak I was, how I’d let him destroy me along with my entire life. I hated him in equal parts with how much I loved him, and I’d grown to accept the fact that probably, I always would. I’d started looking for ways to turn it off, shut him out of my mind. The alcohol and the weed helped, but never really to a full effect. It was more a means to dull the pain, dull the ache, forget him for ten minutes, until he came rushing back to me. 

The few times Isaac had brought him up, it seemed like his life was more than perfect without me. From what I could tell, it hadn’t broken him even a little bit, not even a fracture. Natalie had just popped out their second kid, apparently a really cute little girl named Penny. I’d never seen her, and if I were honest I was sure I never wanted to. She looks just like Taylor, Isaac told me. Great. I was thrilled for them, really. In the same way one was thrilled for a root canal, or cancer. 

Now, here I was, standing in the mirror and hating what I saw. Ripped jeans and a t-shirt, some old Chucks that had seen better days. My hair was a mess, the bags under my eyes threatening to take over my entire face. It was just after noon and I was already feeling the effects of the three beers I’d chugged, forgoing food for substances in the hopes that they’d get me through the day. A day I did not want to live, a day I was being strong armed into. 

It was Penny’s christening that morning, and Isaac and my mother has insisted I attend at least the after party. My mom, always worried about appearances, told me it would look bad to the priest my family had known for basically ever. It would look bad to the Bryant’s, and all of our extended family and friends who knew nothing of the fracture between Taylor and I, or the way that I had made myself the black sheep of the Hanson clan. 

I sighed and left the bedroom when I heard Isaac’s knocks on the door. He’d insisted on picking me up, knowing that I hadn’t been in any state to drive for quite some time now. 

“It’s open,” I called from the fridge where I was opening my fourth beer. I’d had half of it down my throat before Isaac even stepped into the room.

“Holy shit, Zac.”

He shut the door behind him as I turned to face him, beer bottle to my lips, upturned, my head back. 

I finished the drink and tossed it into the trash.

“What?”

“It’s 12:30.”

“And?”

“You need to get it together,” Isaac sighed, walking over to me where I was reaching for another beer. He grabbed my hand and placed it by my side, pushing me gently out of the way and shutting the refrigerator door. “Mom’s gonna fucking freak when she sees you like this.”

“She’ll live,” I mumbled, running a hand through my hair. 

“This is exactly the state I wanted you in when you met Nikki for the first time.”

I’d forgotten about Isaac’s girlfriend and the fact that I was supposed to make her acquaintance today. He’d started dating her right as the de-evolution of Zachary Walker Hanson began, and he’d always just thought it best not to involve her in my particular brand of crazy. Or, at least that’s what I assumed. 

“Shit, forgot about that.”

We stood in the kitchen in silence, me wondering if I’d be fast enough to whip the fridge open, grab a beer and lock myself in the bathroom to drink it. When Isaac finally spoke, I decided against it. 

“Let’s just go,” he sighed, opening the door. 

I followed him to the car where a very pretty girl was leaning against the passenger door. Isaac stopped walking inches from her.

“Zac,” he motioned to me and then to her. “Nikki.”

“Nice to meet you,” she smiled, holding her hand out for me.

“Thanks,” I limply shook her hand, forcing a smile. “You too.”

I walked past her to the backseat door and pulled it open, heaving myself inside.

The ride to Taylor and Natalie’s house felt a bit like a death march. I’d told Isaac to turn around about a mile from my driveway, but he refused. When we finally pulled up in front of Taylor’s house, Isaac parking the car by the curb, he turned in his seat and looked me directly in my eyes.

“You need to be on your best behavior. No more drinking. _I mean it_.”

“Alright, whatever,” I reached for the door handle.

“No, Zac,” his voice was stern and serious and when I looked back at him his face matched it.

“Okay,” I sighed. “Just keep him away from me.”

I got out of the car and shut the door, maybe a little too forcibly, causing Isaac to shoot me a dirty look, but he didn’t say anything else.

When we walked into Taylor’s house, Isaac and Nikki holding hands and smiling, me with my hands shoved in my pockets and my gaze trained somewhere near the floor, we walked right into the center of a conversation between the priest, my mother and Taylor, holding his new daughter. 

“Zac,” he said my name low and when I looked up at him his mouth was open, his eyes slightly wider than normal. “I didn’t know you were coming.”

“I uh-“ I nudged the toe of my sneaker against the hardwood floor and glanced quickly at the door behind me. “I can leave.”

“No!” He shook his head. “No, no. Please, stay. Eat, have a drink.”

“Okay,” I shrugged, my eyes going over to the baby in Taylor’s arms.

Isaac was right. She was the picture of Taylor, her big eyes opened to the world, her chubby little face like a photograph I hadn’t seen in a while, but would recognize anywhere. I stared at her for a few seconds before looking back up at Taylor. I opened my mouth, I wanted to tell him congratulations, how pretty she was, but instead I just shut my mouth and shook my head a little bit, walking away from him. 

“Zac,” Natalie greeted me with a big smile when I walked in the kitchen. She wrapped her thin little arms around me and hugged me tight. “I’m so happy you came.”

“Yeah,” I said, pulling myself out of her grip. “Congrats, by the way. On the baby.”

“Thank you,” she nodded, her smile even wider. “She’s just perfect, isn’t she?”

“Nat I-“ our heads turned to see the last person in the world who probably wanted to be in a room with me, her mouth hanging open, staring unblinking at me. 

“I, um-“ she finally blinked once, twice and then shook her head slowly, looking from me to Natalie, her words coming out slow. “I couldn’t find…um…that thing you needed. I, uh…”

She trailed off, looking back at me again. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her and I couldn’t make my mouth speak words, but my heart was pounding in my chest, and the feeling of being the worlds largest piece of human waste washed over me once again. 

“Kate, I-“ I took a step towards her finally, but she held her hands out in front of her, as if she were creating a barrier against something that was looking to damage her. 

“I need to get some air,” she spoke quickly, shaking her head and breezing around me as fast as she could, power walking to the back door. I moved to follow her, but Natalie put a soft hand on my arm and shook her head, frowning sadly at me.

“Don’t, Zac.”

“I just-“

“No, please. Leave her.”

 

I spent the next two hours sitting in a chair at the kitchen table getting progressively drunker. Natalie had slid a plate of pulled pork under my face at one point, demanding me to eat, complete with her Mom eyes, so I’d picked at that, it doing nothing to stave off the overwhelming amount of beer I’d consumed that day. If anyone outside of Natalie noticed that I was sitting at the table, sulking, my head spinning, they gave no indication. 

I don’t know if it was the booze, my melancholy state, or something else, but I’d spent most of the day watching Kate move around the house. She never met my eyes, as far as I could tell she was going out of her way _not_ to look at me at all. The one time we’d been in close quarters, when I was at the trash throwing away a napkin and she’d been asked to walk over and grab a towel, her arm brushed up against mine as she plucked it from the counter and I’d felt her stiffen, her jaw squaring. She glanced down at my arm before letting out a small breath and quickly walking away. 

I forgot how beautiful I found her until she was in front of me again. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed her presence until it was all around me, and every time I saw her go out of her way to not be near me, it stung a little bit. Maybe I’d made a mistake, maybe the real mistake in my life was that I didn’t marry her, that I had never fallen in love with her. Maybe if I had pushed Taylor away years ago the way I had now, maybe then I’d have been able to really dive into our relationship, learn the way to love her the way she deserved. 

When I saw her walk through the kitchen and into the hallway that lead to the bathroom, I made a split second decision. I was going to get her back. I was going to fix all of the fuck ups I’d made, and I was going to fall in love with her.

Sure, I’d said that before. But, I meant it now. I was going to love her. I _wanted_ to love her. 

I pushed my chair back lightly and walked to the hallway, stopping outside the bathroom door. I listened as she flushed the toilet, turned the sink on and washed her hands. When I heard the lock on the doorknob click open I had a fleeting second thought, but shook it off. When she opened the door and saw me, her eyes widened, but I held one finger up to my lips, _shh_ and my other hand went to her arm, pushing her back into the bathroom. I walked her backwards far enough that I could shut the door, locking it behind me. 

“Zac, what the hell?” She looked at me, her dark bangs falling into her dark eyes.

“Kate,” I sighed, brushing her hair back.

“I-“ she shook her head, her face crumpled in a way I’d never seen it.

“Kate,” I said again, pushing her back lightly against the sink’s countertop, my hands on either of her shoulders, our faces only an inch apart.

“Zac,” she was shaking her head, her hands rising to push me away. I took my own hands off of her shoulders and grabbed on to each of her hands, threading my fingers through hers. I licked my lips and leaned forward, crushing her lips with my own. 

She was stock still, her fingers standing up, not wrapped around my own. Her lips unmoving. I backed up an inch and I could feel that my eyes were pleading.

“Kate,” I kissed her cheek. “I’m so sorry.” Her jaw. “You have to believe me.” The corner of her mouth. “Please. You have to forgive me.”

My lips landed on top of hers again and after a second she hesitantly kissed me back. Her mouth was soft and it parted to my tongue easily, her arms lightly landing around my shoulders. I put my hands on her waist and pulled her close to me, not having the mind to be embarrassed when I rubbed her thigh and she gasped at how hard I already was. 

I pulled back, tightening my grip on her waist and lifting her up easily, placing her on the bathroom counter. I placed myself between her knees and my mouth found hers again, my hands landing on her thighs, slowly pushing her dress up so I could press my body up against hers. Her hands were roaming my back when I thrust my hips forward gently, groaning into her mouth when the friction shot shockwaves throughout my body. 

“Zac,” she whispered, her head falling back when my mouth found her neck, licking and sucking on the delicate skin just the way I remembered her loving. “Zac.”

“Hmm?” My tongue swirled on the skin below her ear, my teeth sinking gently into her skin.

“We can’t,” her voice was full of lust, with just a hint of sadness.

“We can,” I groaned into her neck, thrusting my hips forward again, one hand making it’s way down to my jeans, undoing the button quickly, pushing the fly down. I wiggled my body, helping my one hand to push my jeans and boxers down, they landed in a pool at my feet. 

“God,” she breathed, her knees closing around my hips when I thrust towards her again. My mouth was on her collar bone, teeth just slightly pressed into the skin. 

Had I mentioned that it had also been over sixteen months since I’d had sex with anyone besides myself? I was so hard, so absolutely turned on that I was plummeting to the edge fast. I could have came right then and there, but I was determined. Determined to be inside of her again, feel her around me, start the process of falling in love with her. It _would_ start, I just had to keep telling myself that. My drunk mind didn’t care that we’d been here before, that we’d gone on this quest and it didn’t work then. What made me think it could work now?

My mouth found hers again, my finger finding the edge of her panties, pushing them aside slowly. 

“Zac,” she pulled back, her eyes blazing. “We can’t. I can’t.”

“I need you,” I shoved my face into her neck, pulling her towards me. “I need you.”

I could feel hot tears forming in my eyes, threatening to spill out of them. 

I kissed her neck gently, running my lips slightly over her skin, landing on her cheek. I pressed my forehead to hers, looking into her eyes as I felt the first tear roll down my cheek.

“I need you,” I whispered again, my eyes pleading as her hands found their way underneath my shirt, they ran up my back and then down again, landing on the small of my back. “Please.”

We stood there, foreheads pressed together, tears silently running down my face, her knees pressed against my hips, our breathing slightly labored, lips swollen. Kate pulled her head back, examining me for a few seconds. She ran a hand lightly up and down my back again before her face softened and she nodded.

“Okay.”

I let out a whoosh of hair and put my hand behind her neck, pulling her mouth to mine. 

“Thank God,” I breathed into her, my tongue easily finding hers. The kiss was hot and fast, my body aching for more. When I put my other hand on her lower back to steady us and then pushed into her I actually let out a whimper. 

Her head fell back and she bucked into me, her legs wrapping around my waist. 

“My god, Kate,” I groaned, my fingertips digging into her hips. “Forgot how good you feel.”

Her head slowly rose, her eyes landing on mine. Her chest was rising and falling quickly, her hips still moving, guiding me in and out of her. 

“I should tell you something,” her voice was unsteady with pleasure, her walls tightening around me.

“Now?” 

“Now,” she nodded once, a small moan escaping her mouth.

“Okay.”

“I’ve fucked other people, or, I’ve let them fuck me.”

Hearing her talk like that sent a chill up my spine. Aside from a few times when she’d been clearly trying to impress me, or turn me on, she was never one for dirty talk, and outside of times of extreme anger, her vocabulary was more often than not a little more Southern Belle than what she’d just said would have you believe.

“You have?” My grip on her hips tightened a little, my thrusts speeding up, I was watching myself slide in and out of her now, the visual added to her words causing my cock to throb inside of her. “Fuck, fuck.” I moaned out, not sure how much longer I’d be able to last.

“Yeah,” she moaned then, louder than before and the brief thought of someone outside of the bathroom hearing us passed through my mind before I decided I really didn’t care. “Look at me.”

My eyes rose to meet hers again. Her lips turned up into a small smile.

“When I let them fuck me, I’d pretend they were you,” My head started spinning, everything inside me betraying my urge to do this for as long as I possibly could. “Once or twice, I even called out your name when they made me come.”

I let out a guttural groan, thrusting two more times into her before my orgasm came like a tsunami. It was as if the past year and a half’s worth of sexual activity that I’d missed out on ripped through me all at once. My legs were shaking and she was bucking her hips into me, allowing me to ride the wave of the orgasm she’d caused when I couldn’t move myself. 

When I’d finished, I laid my forehead on her shoulder, the sweat that had built up seeping into the short sleeve of her dress. It took me almost a minute to slow my breathing down, my cock still buried in her, still throbbing. The words she’d said had sent me completely over the edge, imagining her, after all I’d put her through, getting off on the thought of me while another guy was inside of her was a picture my brain just couldn’t handle. 

When I’d managed to pull myself together enough, I pulled out of her. She let out a tiny moan and I was reminded that I may have finished, but she hadn’t. 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, laying a small kiss on her mouth.

“For what?”

“Coming, I just-“ I shook my head. “Picturing you…thinking of me like that. It was too much.”

She smiled sweetly and leaned forward to kiss me slowly.

“That’s what I was going for.”

“Devious little lady,” I smirked, bringing my hand in between us, quickly finding her clit.

She threw her head back again, my name falling from her lips breathlessly.

“Your turn.”

I sank down, replacing my hand with my mouth, her legs immediately closing around me tightly.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” she moaned, her hands finding my hair. “Holy shit, Zac.”

I moved my mouth over her in a way that I wasn’t even aware that I knew how, sliding two fingers inside of her, quickly moving them in and out. Her moans turned to heavy breathing, her hips slowly rising and falling, pushing against my face, her hands holding my head steady against her. 

When she came, she called my name, three times in rapid succession, her legs loosening and her body going slack on the counter. 

I stood slowly, running my body up hers, my lips landing on her mouth, my tongue depositing the taste of her into it. 

If it could be like this all the time, I didn’t see any reason why I’d have a hard time being completely satisfied with her. Maybe I was falling a little in love with her already. 

Maybe it was all of the beer, still making my head a little cloudy, but in that moment I decided that it was her. It was definitely her.


	23. Chapter 23

It was like I was floating outside of my body watching the scene unfold in front of me. Blondie was rubbing Taylor through his dress pants as if her life depended on it, their lips were dancing fiercely with each others, tiny moans leaving each of their mouths every few seconds. 

I watched as she spread her legs open, a blood red lacy thong underneath her tiny skirt on full display. She moved his head with one hand, placing his mouth on her neck where he made quick work of kissing and sucking on her skin, her hand then moved to one of his resting on her waist. She moved their hands slowly so that they were between her legs. As she guided his hand with her own her head fell back, her blonde hair flowing behind her. 

“Yes,” she breathed, turning her body a little bit so his hand had easier access to her. I couldn’t see what he was doing with his fingers, but if her rapid breathing and chain of cuss words were any indication, he was doing it well. 

Both of her hands landed on his belt buckle, undoing it along with the button and fly on his pants. I watched as she dipped her hand into his boxer briefs, pulling his dick out. I told my body to move, storm in there and pull him away from her, _he was mine_ , but I couldn’t move. My feet were lead and they were glued to the floor. 

“Taylor,” her red lips moaned his name, her painted fingers wrapping around him. He let out a heavy moan and his head fell forward, eyes closed.

It was like watching a stranger, I couldn’t even justify what was unfolding in front of me with it being Taylor who was doing it. As far as I knew he’d been faithful to me aside from his little drunk lapse in judgement with Natalie, but judging by what I was watching happen in this strange home, I couldn’t be so sure. It wasn’t like I could even ask, he wouldn’t know any more than I would.

 

She worked him until he was panting, apparently she was very good with her hands, and then she pulled her hand away, grabbing a hold of his wrist and pulling his hand from between her legs. His eyes were heavy lidded looking at her. 

In slow motion I watched as she swung one leg over him, her hand disappearing in between them. 

“I’m going to fuck you now,” she purred, pushing herself up, a hand wrapped around the base of his cock.

His hands were on her ass, her skirt pushed up to her waist. I don’t know what made him do it, but he finally looked up at me, his eyes locked with mine and suddenly it was as if he were as frozen as I felt. 

“Zac,” he whispered my name and the girl stopped moving.

“Um, it’s Lacey,” she began to move her body down onto him again, but he gripped her waist tight, stopping her. 

“Get off,” his voice was flat, his eyes hadn’t moved from mine.

“That’s what I’m trying to do,” the girl- Lacey- giggled.

“No, get off,” he shook his head, pushing on her hips. “Get off of me.”

“What?” The girl turned her head finally, following his gaze and saw me.

“Enjoying the show?” She laughed, turning her face back to Taylor. “Come on baby, who cares if some weird perv wants to watch us?”

“Please, please get off of me,” he seemed to gain some strength out of nowhere and he lifted her off of him, depositing her on her feet on the floor. He stood and quickly tucked himself back into his pants, straightening his clothes and walking towards me.

“Zac,” he shook his head. “I- I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Let’s go,” I said evenly, my jaw set. “We’re leaving.”

Finally regaining the ability to move my limbs, I turned on my heel and walked straight out the front door of the house. I was in no mood to say goodbye to anyone. I got into my truck and turned the engine, waiting for Taylor to get in beside me. When he finally did I threw the gear shift into drive and peeled away from that house.

We didn’t say anything for a long time, but eventually I could feel my anger bubbling up inside of me to the point that if I didn’t say something, I might just drive that truck right into a wall. I cut the steering wheel hard, pulling the truck into a Walmart parking lot, throwing it into park. I turned my body towards him, his face was turned down, his eyes ashamed.

“We are _never_ seeing Mom again.”

He slowly looked up at me, his eyes confused.

“Mom? That’s who you’re mad at right now?”

I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

“She set the whole thing up, I heard Isaac yelling at her about it, that’s why I came looking for you. Don’t you see it, Tay? She wants to ruin us. She never approved of this, and she never will.”

He shook his head, I could tell he didn’t want to believe it, but he was going to have to. He had no choice at this point.

“I’m angry with you too,” I finally said. “Don’t think I’m not.”

I let out another sigh, reaching over and moving his hair from his eyes.

“But, I love you and I’m just getting you back. I don’t want to lose you again.”

“You can forgive me?” Taylor’s eyes met mine and I could see he was close to crying. “I don’t know what came over me, I was a little tipsy and she was touching me and it felt good, and-“ 

He shook his head, a tear falling. He looked so small right then, like he wasn’t really quite sure who he was or what he was doing. I couldn’t help the feeling of unconditional love that was building up in my chest and I reached over the center console and wrapped him in my arms, pulling him tight to me. I made the executive decision that we’d move on from this right then and there. As far as my thoughts went about it, this was all the fault of one person, and it wasn’t Taylor. 

“I can forgive you,” I said into his ear. And I meant it. I’m sure if I told someone, anyone, what I’d just witnessed, they’d call me crazy, tell me that maybe Taylor was up to his old ways. Maybe I should take this as a sign that even after all of these years, all of the progress we’d made together, I still wasn’t enough for him. But, I knew that wasn’t true. I knew that Taylor was flawed, just like me, but I cared about him enough, _needed_ him enough to love him through it. “But, you’re going to make it up to me when we get home.”

I pulled back, smiling at him. His eyes widened and he grinned.

“After you shower,” I added, straightening myself in my seat and putting the truck into drive.

 

When we got home, Taylor made a hasty path straight to the shower much to my amusement. I tidied up the kitchen a little bit while I waited for him to finish, but when he was in there for more than fifteen minutes, I decided that maybe I needed a shower too, wash the filth that was still rolling around in my brain away, and I made my way to the bathroom to join him. 

I stripped down, pulling the shower curtain back and stepping into the bathtub, Taylor’s head was turned back and his eyes were closed, he was rinsing shampoo out of his hair, and when I snaked my arms around his wet waist he jumped a little, shaking his head and then opening his eyes.

“Hi,” I grinned, leaning in and kissing him.

“Hi,” he said back into my mouth, running his soapy hands over my chest. “Fancy meeting you here.”

“You were taking too long,” I shrugged.

I pulled his body against mine, backing him up so that his back was against the tile wall.

“I have to admit,” I said, jutting my hips against his. “Watching you…with her…it did turn me on a little bit.”

“Yeah?” He breathed, his hands moving down to my ass, his fingertips digging into the wet skin just a little. 

“Mmhmm,” I removed his arms from around me, turning him around gently so his front was against the wall, I placed his hands against the tile on either side of his head, wrapping my fingers around myself, lining myself up with him. 

“You’re never allowed to do it again,” my other hand reached around him, wrapping around his dick. “This is mine. Only mine.”

“Only yours,” he breathed as I pushed into him. 

 

-

 

Kate and I spent the next two months barely leaving my bed. We fucked constantly, and when I say fucked, that’s exactly what I mean. It was never delicate and gentle. It wasn’t romantic and loving. We fucked hungrily, fast and rough, screaming each others names, writhing and sweating until we were too exhausted to move. 

She’d pad to the kitchen and cook me meals, bringing them to me nearly naked in bed. She put up with my constant drinking, and even tolerated my less constant, but still ever present, weed habit. 

She was near fucking perfect, and what an idiot I was for ever letting her go.

I had left the house on a rare occasion one Sunday morning to go by my parents and pick up some things my mom had picked up for me. I was in good spirits, hadn’t had a drop of alcohol yet that day and my head was clear for probably the first time in months. I unlocked the door, depositing my jacket and keys on the counter and was surprised when I didn’t see or hear any sign of Kate anywhere. 

I opened the fridge and considered twisting open a beer, but shook my head, grabbing a bottle of water instead. 

“Kate?” I called, shutting the fridge, then thinking I’d be nice, opened it back up and grabbed her a bottle of water as well.

“In here,” her voice came from the bedroom. 

I slowly made my way into the room we’d been sharing again, what used to be _our_ room, and saw her. She had the pillows all arranged at the head of the bed and she was sitting there, leaned against them, her legs drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them.

“Hey,” I said, walking over and sitting down next to her. “Everything okay?”

She looked at me and shook her head. I held out the bottle I’d gotten for her and she took it, nodding a thanks before uncapping it and taking a drink. 

“What’s going on?” She looked as if she’d been crying, her eyes red rimmed and slightly swollen. 

“You’re going to hate me,” she spoke softly, looking at her knees.

“Impossible,” I leaned over and dropped a kiss on her cheek. “Talk to me.”

She breathed out deeply before looking back at me.

“So, I’ve been feeling really weird lately,” she started, her eyes looking at my mouth instead of my own eyes. “And so when you left, I ran to the store. She leaned over towards the other side of the bed and slid the nightstand drawer open, grabbing something out of it. She held it out to me and I took it in my hands. 

“You’re pregnant?” I looked up at her, standing up from the bed slowly. She nodded, her mouth forming into a frown.

“I understand if you’re mad.”

“Mad?” I grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet. “Mad? Kate, this is amazing!”

I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her off her feet, which is amazing considering she’s considerably taller than me. I put her back down and kissed her mouth, then her forehead, both of her cheeks. 

“We’re going to have a baby?” I smiled, my arms wrapped around her. “A real baby?”

“We are,” she smiled slowly. “You’re happy?”

“Happy? I’m ecstatic. Over the moon. Overjoyed. Enthused, even!”

Kate laughed, burying her head in my chest.

“Oh God, I was so worried you were going to hate me. Throw me out, tell me I ruined your life.”

“Ruined my life? God, Kate. This is exactly what I need. How’d you know this is exactly what I need?”

I felt genuinely euphoric. My heart was beating fast, my palms were sweating. Pictures of a little baby, the perfect mix of Kate and I running through my mind. 

“Well, I didn’t plan it, but…maybe you’re right. Maybe this is the best case scenario for us.”

“It is, I know it is,” I smiled again, kissing her all over her face. We fell to the bed, laughing together, smiling. We were on our sides, looking at each other, her eyes were sparkling and she looked so happy, the happiest I’d seen her in years.

“Kate?” I kissed the tip of her nose gently.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Her mouth fell open and her eyes went large, her hand landing gently on my cheek.

“What?”

I laughed softly, leaning in to kiss her.

“I love you,” I said again into her mouth. “I love you, so much.”

And in that moment, I did. I really loved her. At least, I thought I did.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This chapter deals with some unfortunate, sensitive topics having to do with pregnancy.

It was the day of Zoe’s wedding and we hadn’t seen my mother since the shower. She’d called Taylor a few times, asking to see us, but he was always ready with some excuse to keep her at bay. 

“I feel like an idiot in this thing,” I pulled on the collar of my button down that I was wearing beneath my tux jacket. “I never liked wearing these.”

“You look hot, though,” Taylor grinned as he walked past me to grab his tie. 

The way we were with each other had evolved so quickly, we went from hesitant hand holding, a nervous kiss, to two people who could barely keep their hands off of each other. We’d just finished an early afternoon quickie before showering to get ready for the wedding and now there Taylor was, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me into him.

“Think we can go again before we have to leave?”

“No,” I laughed, pushing him away. “We’re already running late.”

He pouted, reaching for me, but I swatted his hand away, picking up my own tie.

“What if I do that thing you like, the one with my tongue?”

I stopped fiddling with my tie and leveled my eyes with his.

“That’s not fair.”

“And that other thing, with my hips?”

“Who are you, Taylor Hanson? And what have you done with my boyfriend?”

He moved towards me and wrapped his arms around my waist, nuzzling his face into my neck.

“I like that.”

“What?”

“Boyfriend,” he looked at me again. “I know I knew it, but you haven’t said it before.”

When he slid down my body and undid my belt buckle, his eyes sparkling as he looked up at me, I decided that we definitely did have time, after all.

 

Taylor and I sprinted into the church’s lobby, ten minutes late, our hair a little disheveled. Taylor had made good on his word and had done _all_ of the things I liked, leaving us no time to fix our bed mussed hair before we had to run out the door. 

The ceremony went off without a hitch, and everything was running smoothly until I left Taylor alone for ten minutes to use the bathroom and get us some drinks during the cocktail hour. When I came back, two glasses of wine- I figured it was a special occasion- in my hands, I found him backed into a corner, good old Blondie the hunter to Taylor’s prey. 

_Not today_ , I thought, making quick strides across the room, heading in their direction until my mother stepped out in front of me, seemingly from out of nowhere.

“Zachary!” She gushed, throwing her arms around my neck, threatening to spill the wine I was holding all over the both of us.

“Mom, please move,” I moved to step around her, but she followed my motion.

“I haven’t seen you in ages, how have you been?”

I squinted my eyes at her, shaking my head.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“Language, Zachary,” she shook her head.

“Fuck language, and fuck _you_. I know what you’re doing, and if you don’t mind, I have to go rescue my _boyfriend_ ,” I spat the word at her. “Because the whore you’ve sicked on him is holding him hostage.”

I stepped to move around her, but she grabbed my arm again, stopping me firmly.

“Zachary, don’t you think it’s time to admit that this thing with you and Taylor needs to end? Don’t you think he’d be happier, you’d be happier, if you were in normal relationships?” 

“We are in a-“ I shook my head, lowering my voice. “Our relationship _is_ normal. We are never going to split up, _deal with it_ , Mother. And stay away from us.”

I stalked over to the corner where Taylor was being held hostage and shoved my body in between him and Lacey, facing her.

“Do you mind?” I leveled my eyes with hers, holding one of the wine glasses out for Taylor to take.

“Excuse me?” Lacey put her hand on her hip. “Do _you_ mind?”

“He’s taken,” I rolled my eyes. “And vagina isn’t his first choice, anyway.”

I heard Taylor snort behind me, causing me to smirk.

“Seemed like he liked it the other day,” Lacey shrugged. “Whatever. If you decide you want a round two, Taylor, come and find me.”

She winked at him, actually winked at him, and walked away, swaying her hips purposefully the entire way across the room. I turned to Taylor and shook my head.

“I’m going to have to chain you to me.”

“Jealous?” Taylor grinned, wrapping an arm around my waist.

“Why should I be jealous?” I rolled my eyes. Taylor leaned over, his lips pressed to my ear.

“Because my dick’s been in her hand,” he whispered. I could feel my face heating up, and am a bit ashamed to admit, I could also feel my cock twitch inside of my pants. Taylor teeth had just closed around my ear when Isaac walked up.

“Mom told me to come over here and tell you two to separate,” he rolled his eyes. “Don’t shoot the messenger.”

“Fuck Mom,” I mumbled, turning my head and planting a fat kiss right on Taylor’s mouth, before turning back and seeing her standing about ten feet away, staring at us, her arms crossed. I plastered a giant, lopsided smile on my face and waved at her enthusiastically.

“Knock it off, Zac,” Isaac tried to be stern, but he was laughing despite himself. “Let’s not cause a scene at Zoe’s wedding.”

 

The rest of the reception went off smoothly, my mother seeming to get the hint and staying away from both Taylor and myself. Lacey also seemed to get the hint, not throwing herself at Taylor once for the rest of the night. We did catch her looking back at him seductively while shaking her ass on the dance floor, but when we both burst out laughing, huddled together at our table, she stopped that, too. 

At the end of the night we hugged Zoe goodbye, telling her what a beautiful bride she made, and we watched as her and Sullivan breezed out of the reception hall into their waiting limo that would take them to the rest of their lives.

“Romantic huh?” Taylor leaned into me, putting an arm around my shoulders.

“Yeah,” I smiled, looking over at him.

“Wish we could do that.”

“Really?” I tilted my head. “You do?”

“Yeah,” he smiled, kissing me quickly on the forehead. “I think I’d love to marry you, Zac.”

“Keep talking like that and we wont make it home, I’ll have my way with you in the car in this very parking lot.”

“Yeah?” He smirked, squeezing my shoulder. “I’d die to marry you, Zachary Hanson.”

“Ooh, you’re gonna get it,” I laughed, shaking my head before pulling myself away from him. I turned to see our mother standing behind us, a look of pure revulsion on her face. I guess she wasn’t even hiding it anymore.

“Did you hear that, mother?” I took two steps toward her, leaning in so only she, and Taylor who had followed behind me, could hear. “I’m going to fuck the shit out of Taylor. Tonight. In the car, in this very parking lot.”

Her face went white, a hand flying to her mouth.

“You _disgust_ me,” she whispered, her eyes boring into mine.

“No, Mom,” Taylor spoke, stepping in between us. “ _You_ disgust us. Zac was right about you.”

She looked from me to Taylor and then back to me again.

“You’re happy now, aren’t you? You took him away from me, just like you wanted.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, reaching out for his hand, which he slipped into mine. “I am happy. I’m very happy.”

We walked away from her, hand in hand, out of the wedding ceremony and hopefully out of her life. 

 

-

 

It was October and the air was just starting to get a little bit chilly, the leaves turning colors and falling down from the trees. I felt better than I had in as long as I could even remember, and there was no end to my happiness in sight, as far as I could see. 

I’d stopped drinking, stopped smoking, I found I didn’t have any need for my mind to be altered anymore. Life was coming together for me. I had a girl who loved me more than I probably deserved, and I was sure I loved her back. Her belly was just starting to show signs of the little life saver she was growing inside of her and every time I looked at it my heart swelled and burst.

My parents had tried to shove us into getting married, saying it was the right thing to do. Comparing us to Taylor and Natalie. They didn’t much agree when I told them that our situation was nothing like Taylor and Natalie’s, we were adults and we actually loved one another. We didn’t need to get married to prove it. And plus, the last time we tried to get married, the only thing that came from it was disaster. They’d eventually let up when I promised them that it would come someday, just not today. 

I still hadn’t seen Taylor, but I didn’t need to. I no longer spent every single day wishing that things were good between us. I didn’t need to drink away his face or his voice or his touch, because I had something better. I had someone who had chosen me, despite all of the reasons I had given her not to, she’d chosen me, and that was something he’d never done.

 

Kate and I were in my car, driving to her doctors appointment. We were going to get to see the baby today, hear the heartbeat, and I was practically buzzing with the excitement. Our hands were clasped together on the center console and we were singing along to the songs coming through the stereo speakers. I’d never felt so content. 

 

I was picking on Kate for the stupid hospital Johnny she was wearing when the nurse finally entered the room, smiling at us.

“Excited?” She asked, looking from Kate to myself and then back to Kate. 

We told her we were as she pulled her stool up to the side of Kate’s bed, little heartbeat monitor and bottle of jelly in her hand. 

“This might be cold,” she smiled at Kate, putting a cloth over her waist and pulling the hospital Johnny up to expose her just barely showing belly. She squirted a good amount of the jelly on, then spread it around with the wand used to hear the baby’s heartbeat. 

“Ready?”

“Definitely,” Kate smiled, reaching out for my hand.

We were smiling at each other, Kate mouthing ‘I love you,’ up at me, me mouthing it back. 

“I um-“ the nurse stood up, turning the monitor off. “I have to go get the doctor, I think my machine might not be working right.”

Kate let go of my hand, propping herself up on her elbows to look at the nurse.

“What? Is everything okay?”

“I’ll just be right back, you two relax for a few.”

Kate looked over at me, her face twisted up.

“What’s that about?”

“She said her machine wasn’t working,” I said, picking her hand back up and smoothing her hair down. “Everything’s fine.”

“No,” Kate shook her head, sitting all the way up. “Did you hear her voice? Something is wrong.”

“I’m sure everything is perfect,” I leaned down to kiss her forehead. “Let’s just wait for the doctor.”

The next couple of minutes felt like an hour, and when the doctor finally walked in I heard Kate let out a sigh of relief.

“Afternoon,” the doctor smiled warmly at us, sitting down on the stool that was occupied by the nurse before. She handed him the monitor and he motioned for Kate to lay back down. 

He turned the machine on and placed it on her stomach, moving it around. He did this for no less than five minutes before turning it back off, standing up and placing it on the counter next to him.

“You can sit up, Miss. Tucker,” he took his gloves off and dropped them in the trashcan before walking to the side of the bed. 

“What’s going on?” Kate asked once she was sitting, my hand clasped tightly between both of hers. 

“I’m very sorry, but it appears that there is no heartbeat,” the doctor frowned, placing a hand on Kate’s shoulder. “I’m very sorry.”

“What? But the baby was fine two weeks ago, we were just in and the baby was fine,” Kate was shaking her head. “I’m past the point where this is supposed to happen.”

“Sometimes these things happen a little later than usual, I’m very sorry, for both of you,” the doctor looked up at me and then back at Kate.

“Why?” She was still shaking her head, two tears trailing down her face. “What did I do wrong?”

“Miss Tucker, Kate,” the doctor shook his head. “These things just happen, it’s nothing you’ve done, and there’s nothing that you could have done to prevent it. Don’t be hard on yourself. We don’t have any answers for this most of the time.”

“I don’t understand,” Kate’s shoulders were shaking now, tears falling freely. I felt useless and frozen in place. All I could do was rub my thumb along her hand, my own chest feeling like it was in a vice grip.

“This is very difficult, but I’m going to write you a prescription, to help you pass the miscarriage. You’ll have to come back in in a week so we can make sure everything went smoothly.” He looked up at me again. “You’ll have to take very good care of her for a little while.”

“I will,” I said, not recognizing the sound of my own voice. 

“You can get dressed. You can pick up the prescription at the desk on your way out while you schedule your next appointment. I’m very sorry again.”

And with that he was gone. He left us in the room with our silence and pain.

 

The drive home was silent. We didn’t hold hands, and there were no songs coming from the radio. When we got home, Kate walked ahead of me into the house and straight to the bedroom, closing the door behind her. I instinctively opened the fridge to grab a beer, and then remembered I didn’t keep any in the house anymore. I grabbed my keys and walked back to my car, a twelve pack sounded good right about then.

 

The next month and a half was hell. 

Kate and I went from a reunited couple falling head over heels in love, to two strangers who barely spoke. Every time I’d enter a room, she’d busy herself with something, seemingly preferring to look at literally anything else but me. I tried, a few times, to get her to open up to me, but she seemed to be firmly against the idea.

It was the end of November and it was cold. I’d started smoking weed again, it was the only thing that calmed my head down on particularly bad nights for me, but I’d started doing it out of my bedroom window, not wanting to brave the temperatures outside. Kate walked into the bedroom, finding me standing at the open window, a joint in between my lips.

“Seriously, Zac?” She walked over to the dresser and pulled out a pair of pajamas.

“What?”

“Do you have to do that in here?” She huffed, pulling her shirt over her head and tossing it into the laundry basket in the closet. Her pants came next and I was struck by how long it had been since I’d seen her naked. We’d gone from fucking like a couple of bunnies to not even touching, and in that moment I remembered how beautiful she was. 

I snuffed the joint out on the windowsill and placed it there, walking over to her. She bent to step into her pajama pants, but I put my hand on them, stopping her.

“What are you doing?” She squinted at me, standing up straight.

“Stop,” I whispered, taking the pajamas from her and dropping them on the floor. 

I ran my palms down her arms and over her hips and then picked one up, placing it on her chest. I ran it across her smooth skin, my other hand holding onto her hip. 

“What are you doing?” She asked again, and I shook my head, looking into her eyes.

“You’re beautiful, Kate,” I moved my hand slowly from her chest to her breast, running my fingers underneath the fabric. She let out a breath and then placed her hand on top of mine.

“Stop it.”

“No,” I shook my head, bringing the hand on her waist up to her cheek, looking into her eyes. “You stop it. You’ve been miserable. Let me make you feel better.”

“No, Zac,” she shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. 

“Shh,” I leaned in and kissed her gently, backing her up until the backs of her knees hit the bed. I pushed her gently so that she was lying on her back, her knees bent over the end of the bed, her feet on the floor.

“Zac,” she whispered, the sound of my name making my stomach flip. I pulled my shirt off and kicked out of my pants, leaning over her on the bed.

“I’m going to make it all better,” I whispered in her ear, trailing kisses from her jaw down to her thigh. “I’m gonna fix it.”

I put my mouth on her, my tongue acting on muscle memory, doing all of the things that made her feel good. She nodded slowly, opening her legs wider so I could settle comfortably in between them. She was breathing heavy on the bed, her fists clenched in the sheets. When her thighs squeezed my shoulders I pulled back, working my way up the bed and planting a kiss on her mouth.

“I love you, Kate,” I wiped a tear off of her cheek, one hand moving to her waist. 

She smiled weakly, not saying anything. When I slid into her I heard her breath hitch in her throat and she turned her head to the side. I laid kisses on every available inch of skin my mouth could reach, sliding in and out of her slowly. Her hands finally landed on my back, her legs wrapping around me. 

We made love in the slowest, most tender way I’d ever made love to anyone. By the end we were both crying, our bodies pressed as close together as we could get them. 

She didn’t let me kiss her when it was over, and even though I wrapped my arms around her and we fell asleep pressed against one another, I knew she was gone. Losing our baby had been too much for her to take. After all of the things we’d been through, she’d finally found her breaking point.


	25. Chapter 25

I’d fulfilled half of my threat to Taylor. We’d made it out of the parking lot, but only long enough to make it about three miles up the road to a little tucked away clearing on a wooded road. I felt confident that we wouldn’t be disturbed there, and honestly in that moment, I didn’t really care if we were. Hearing Taylor tell off our mother had me instantly hard and I spent most of the three mile drive trying to shove my boner down so I could safely navigate in the vehicle. I shut my truck off, hopping out and opening the back door, grabbing the blankets I kept back there. Then I walked around to Taylor’s door and opened it, his eyebrows high on his forehead.

“Come on, get out, help me,” I laughed, grabbing his hand and pulling him out of the truck.

“What are we doing?” He asked, following me to the bed of the truck. 

“Well, we’re going to make love under the stars, silly, duh,” I rolled my eyes at him, a smile on my face as I brought down the tailgate, hopping inside the bed of the truck. “Help me spread these out.”

We made a little makeshift bed out of blankets in the back of the truck and then we fell onto them, kissing softly and slowly, the intimacy of our kisses drawing quiet moans from each of our lips. 

I pulled away from him, holding his face in my hands, our faces close together. We were looking into each others eyes and I was flooded with love for him. Years of love, that while it had ebbed and flowed, had never gone away, not even for a minute.

“Tay,” I spoke softly, rubbing my thumbs over his skin. “I know we’ve been…having sex, a lot. And I know you’re missing a lot of memories, and it might seem to you like all we are is sex, but we’re not.”

I shook my head, kissing him lightly again before pulling back.

“I don’t want you to ever think that, because I love you. I’ve loved you for my entire life, and I plan on loving you for the rest of it, and it’s really important to me that you understand that. That you know, you _are_ my life.”

He shook his head, smiling, his eyes were shining and God, if it were at all possible, I loved him even more than I did before.

“I know that,” he kissed me then, three slow touches of our lips. “And yeah, I might be missing a lot of time, a lot of details, but I know that I love you back just as much. I don’t think love and memory go hand in hand. The memory might not be there, I might not know all of the things we’ve been through, but I know that I’m _so_ in love with you.”

Our mouths crashed back together and we shed our clothes in a synchronized dance that I’m still not sure how we pulled off. When I slid into him, his hand clasped in mine, his eyes locked on mine, I felt tears release from my eyes, sliding down my cheeks, and for once in my entire life, they were tears of pure happiness. 

 

 

-

 

Christmas came and went, Valentine’s day flew by, before I knew it, it was the second week of March and Kate and I were still existing in my home like two ships in the night. She’d taken to sleeping on the couch, not wanting to lay her body down next to mine. She didn’t want to go home, back to Georgia. She felt like a let down to her family, as if there were anything she could do about losing the baby, as if it made her less of a woman. So, I’d agreed to her staying here for the near future even though she made it quite clear, not so much through words, but through her actions, that the sight of me caused her great pain. 

I was sitting in my bedroom, the only place in the house I felt comfortable anymore, when it dawned on me that I was stuck in this place, even though there was nothing here for me anymore. I’d thought I’d gotten Kate back, and I _had_ finally fallen in love with her, and now it was her who didn’t want me. I wasn’t seeing my family, I didn’t have any friends left. I was drunk more often than not and I was starting to hate myself even more than I had before, more than I knew was really possible. 

I stood up, collecting all of the empty bottles, shoving all the trash that I’d collected into a bag. I brought it out to the kitchen and deposited it by the front door. I walked to the door of the living room and couldn’t help but smile a little when I saw Kate sitting on the couch, her knees bent underneath her, a book resting on her lap. I walked into the room and sat down gently on the couch next to her.

“Hey,” I smiled when she turned her head towards me. It had been days since we’d even exchanged a word.

“Hey,” she stretched her legs out in front of her and placed her book down on the table.

“I just wanted to tell you, I’ve made a decision,” 

“Oh yeah?” She tilted her head.

“Yeah,” I ran a hand through my hair. I really needed to get that cut. “So, theres just nothing left in Tulsa for me, I think we both know that. So, um. I’m going to leave.”

“Leave?” She shook her head.

“Yeah, we still have that apartment in New York. It’s just sitting there, collecting dust. I’m going to call my parents in a bit and let them know I’m going to move into it, live there for a while. Find myself, or whatever.”

“You’re not leaving because of me?” 

“No,” I smiled, shaking my head. “No, Kate. I’m leaving because of _me_. I have to get out of here. I’m never going to get better, or move on with my life if I’m stuck here between all of the mistakes I’ve ever made.

She looked down at her lap, frowning.

“Am I one of them?”

“No,” I took her hand in mine, pulling her to me and wrapping my arm around her shoulder. “No, I think you’re the only thing I’ve ever done that wasn’t a mistake.”

“I’m sorry,” she faced me. “That it all fell apart. After the baby…”

“Don’t be sorry. You lost something huge, we both did. Everything was bound to change.”

We sat in a content silence, my arm wrapped around her shoulder, her head resting on mine. In that moment I wished for nothing more but to be able to rewind time, make things good with us, keep that baby thriving so we could thrive. I knew it wasn’t possible. Nothing good ever happened for me, anyway. I turned my face and placed my lips on the side of her head.

“Kate?”

She turned her head up so she was looking at me.

“I want you to know that I really did fall in love with you.”

“I know,” she smiled softly.

“I just wish I hadn’t done it too late.”

 

I’d packed a few bags and loaded them into my truck, leaving behind most of my belongings, tell Kate to keep them, to stay in the house for as long as she needed to, for all I cared it was her house now. 

I sat there, preparing myself to drive all the way from Tulsa to New York. It would take me a few days, but I was ready to get the hell out of dodge and maybe start living my life for myself. I’d lived it for Taylor for so long, and recently I’d been living it for Kate, I wasn’t even sure how to live for me, but I was going to find out. 

I pulled out of my driveway and turned the radio up, the local radio station was playing a throwback medley and of course the second song that came on was our bands one hit, a song I could die happy never having to hear again. I shook my head, turning it down and taking a turn in the road. 

I didn’t even know that I was on my way to Taylor’s house until I pulled into his driveway and saw his SUV sitting in front of the garage. Natalie’s car was gone, she must have taken the kids out for the day. I shut my truck off and got out, shoving my keys into my pocket and walking up to the door. I knocked three times and stood there, staring at the gold numbers on the door. It had been a long time since I’d been here, I wasn’t even sure what I was doing there. After a few minutes, I knocked again, and when another few minutes went by I sighed and turned to walk back to my truck, just as the door opened.

“Zac,” Taylor’s voice was surprised and when I turned I was surprised to see him standing there, hair dripping wet, a towel wrapped around his waist. “I was-“ he shook his head. “I was in the shower, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” my eyes were on his chest. I was watching the tiny droplets of water roll down, getting stuck in his chest hair.

“Do you want to come in?” His voice was hesitant and when I looked up his eyes were confused. I nodded and he moved aside, holding the door open for me.

The house looked exactly the same, like nothing had changed. Like it hadn’t been almost two and a half years since we’d really spoken.

We stood in Taylor’s kitchen, staring at each other. I cursed myself silently for the state of my half hard dick, apparently nothing _had_ changed, just the sight of him standing there in that towel was enough to set me off. 

I took two steps towards him, my brain screaming at me to stop, to back up, but when my hands landed on his chest and my mouth landed on his own, his back crashing into the wall behind him, I decided I didn’t give a single shit what my brain had to say. He didn’t even hesitate before kissing me back, his hands under my shirt, pushing it over my head, then falling to my jeans, unbuttoning them and pushing them off of me. I kicked my shoes off, the jeans to follow and pressed my entire body hard against his.

“Zac, what-“ his voice was breathy and low, he turned his head to the side.

“I’m leaving,” I said into his neck, my teeth scraping the skin, biting down, hard enough to draw blood. 

“Leaving?” His hips met mine, both of us rock hard and I let out a growl, pushing my hips harder back into his, his ass slamming into the wall. 

“Leaving, not coming back,” I pulled him off the wall, wrapping my arms around him, my hands flat on his back. I kissed him again, hard and fast, walking him backwards, leading him to the bedroom. 

It wasn’t my plan. I don’t know what my plan was, but this wasn’t it. I’d made a decision years ago that I was never going to have sex with Taylor again, and I had all intentions of sticking to that. 

We hit the bed hard, my forehead bumping his. He brought a hand up to rub his head and then looked at me.

“Where are you going?”

“Far away,” I rolled us so that he was on top of me and I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing him down my body. “Far away from you.”

He took me in his mouth with little to no prompting, my mouth falling open at the heat of his mouth, the roughness of his tongue as he licked his way up my shaft, his lips puckering around the head of my dick. I lifted my head so I could watch him, his cheeks going concave around me, his eyes shut, cheeks pink. 

I watched him bob up and down, an all encompassing heat forming in my stomach, spreading throughout my body. The thought of stopping him was nearly painful, but the thought of finishing like this was a little worse, so I pulled his hair lightly, my other hand pulling him by the bicep. I shifted my body down the bed, standing up and looking down at him. His eyes were big and he was looking at me like he didn’t really recognize me, like I was someone new to him.

I grabbed his hands, pulling him off the bed with me. I kissed him hard once and then turned him around, bending him over the bed. I was going to fuck him right out of my life.

He groaned loudly as I pushed two fingers inside of him, his head dropping as I worked them in an out of him, quickly and roughly, getting him ready for what I was about to do to him. 

“Zac,” his voice was labored and as I added a third finger he moaned, backing up against me. “Please.”

“What is it?” I gripped his hip with my other hand, working him faster, every moan that fell from his lip making my cock twitch. 

“Please,” he breathed again and I watched as his hands turned to fists, balling the bedsheet up inside of them. 

“What do you want, Taylor?” I curled my fingers, Taylor’s moan coming out long and gritty. “Say it.”

“Fuck me,” his voice came out pleading. “Please, Zac, just fuck me.”

“Is that what you want?” I leaned over him, my mouth next to his ear. “You want me to fuck you, Taylor?”

“God, yes,” he whined, still pushing himself back against my fingers. 

I pulled them out of him and he let out a whimper, his knees going a little slack. I stood back up, taking myself in my hand and shoving all of me into him at once. The loudest, most animalistic moan I’d ever heard dropping from Taylor’s mouth and bouncing off the walls around us. I felt my head go a little bit hazy, a burning heat threatening that my orgasm would come soon, and fast, but I pushed it down, refusing it. I was going to enjoy this, for as along as I could. 

I put my hands on his hips, gripping as hard as I could. He’d be bruised later and maybe he’d have to explain that to Natalie, but that was his problem. I thrust in and out of him, faster and harder than I’d ever done before, to anyone. I’d heard of the phrase hate fucking before, but I never really knew what it meant until that moment. 

I pulled out of him quickly, turning his body again and pushing him back on the bed.

“Scoot down,” I motioned with my hand for him to move so his ass was on the very end of the bed. I took his legs in my hands, putting them on my shoulders and I pushed back into him. “I want to see your face.”

Taylor was practically screaming as I fucked him and my head felt the closest thing to drunk I’d ever felt without having a drop of alcohol in my system. Despite my want to never come and spend the next six hours buried inside of him, I could feel that I was teetering dangerously on the edge. Every sound that left Taylor’s mouth, every thrust of my hips sent me spiraling towards the end.

“Jerk yourself off,” I growled, my nails digging into the skin of his calves.

“What?” He looked up at me, his face was completely flushed, and somehow, despite the fact that I was fucking him with the force of something akin to Thor’s hammer, his face was clouded completely in ecstasy.

“Put your hand on your dick,” I could barely form words, the energy it was taking to barrel into him pretty much making me useless for much else. “And make yourself come.”

“Aren’t you going to make m-“

“No,” I shook my head, bringing my bottom lip in between my teeth, watching as he wrapped his long fingers around himself. As soon as he started pumping himself in time with my fast thrusts his moans turned back to guttural screams, his head turning from side to side. He was practically thrashing underneath me and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to withstand it much longer.

“I’m going to come inside of you in less than two minutes,” I groaned. 

The pace he was moving his hand at sped up, his eyes squeezed shut. He was breathing so heavily and so quickly I almost worried that he wouldn’t recover, and then I remembered how he’d so easily decided to walk away from me and I decided I didn’t care what happened once I wasn’t inside him anymore, I’d never see him again after. Taylor Hanson would never by any of my concern again.

“Zac,” Taylor shouted, he tightened around me and the next thing I knew he was spilling his load straight at my chest. As soon as the hot liquid hit me I felt it too and I was releasing inside of him, my own cries coming out of my mouth before I could do anything to stop them. 

I hung my head, taking a few deep breaths, trying to steady myself and then I pulled out of him and walked over to the hamper he had in the corner, pulling one of his t-shirts out of it and wiping myself down with it. I tossed it at him, staring down at him still splayed out on the bed for a few seconds. He was looking up at me, his chest heaving. His eyes were full of emotion and I was tempted to crawl into that bed, hold him, tell him I still loved him.

Instead, I shook my head and started towards the door.

“Zac,” he called, when I turned he was sitting up. “Don’t leave.”

I just shook my head again and made my way to the kitchen to collect my clothes.

 

I’d been driving for nearly ten hours by the time I knew that I had to pull over. I was desperate to get as much distance between myself and Taylor as humanly possible, but I couldn’t stave off the exhaustion that was slowly rolling over me. It was nearly four in the morning, and I had no idea where I was, but I needed a bed.

I pulled off of the highway in what turned out to be Indianapolis and quickly found a cheap motel. When I walked into the room memories of being in that Days Inn with Taylor flooded my mind. When I sank down onto the bed I could see him there, hovering over me, begging me to come for him. It had been so long ago, but the memories were as clear as day. 

I stripped myself of my clothes, climbing beneath the blankets completely naked. I tried to close my eyes, but every time I did, there he was. Going to see him had been a mistake. Feeling him around me, seeing him underneath me did nothing but remind me how much I craved him. 

I felt myself growing hard as memories of us together flew through my brain like an old picture show. My hand snaked underneath the blanket and I winced when I wrapped my fingers around my length. I was slightly sore from the intensity I’d put into my earlier performance with Taylor, but I welcomed the pain. Maybe it was my turn to feel a little bit of it today. 

I started to stroke myself, long, slow movements and I squeezed my eyes shut, picturing his eyes, his lips. I could see him on his knees, looking up at me as he smirked around my dick. His name left my mouth in a whisper as I came, and when I rolled over, not bothering to to deal with cleaning myself up, his face was front and center in my mind as I drifted off to sleep.


	26. Chapter 26

I was having a great dream that may or may not have involved Taylor’s mouth doing things to me that one shouldn’t speak about in polite company, when I was violently shaken awake.

“Zac, come on wake up!” Taylor was practically shrieking as he shook my shoulder as hard as he could.

“What the hell, Tay?” I swatted him away from me, rubbing my eyes with my other hand. I lifted my head up to look at the red numbers on the cable box. “It’s 4:40 in the morning.”

“Sit up, please,” He was pulling on my arm, trying to force me into a sitting position.

“This better be good,” I groaned as I pushed myself into a sitting position against the head of the bed. “What is it?”

“I think I did something bad.”

Taylor’s face was flush. His hair was standing up every which way. He was looking at me in the way a five year old looks at their mommy when they’ve been caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. 

“What could you have possibly done while sleeping?”

“I was having a dream,” he sat back against the headboard with me and turned away so he was staring straight ahead. “And, in it, Natalie and I-“ he stopped talking for a second and then shook his head and started again. “We were, um. Sleeping together.”

“You had a dream that you and Natalie were having sex?” I was looking at him, but he wasn’t looking at me. I was aware that we couldn’t control our dreams, I wasn’t sure what he was freaking out about. “And you’re waking me up at almost 5 in the morning to tell me about it?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “It was a- uh- pretty _detailed_ dream. We were drunk, we kept saying that we shouldn’t. That it would hurt you. But, we did. I woke up in the middle of it, and when I woke up I knew that it wasn’t just a dream. I don’t know how or why I knew, but it was like something in my brain was going off and it was telling me that it wasn’t a dream, it was a memory.”

I stared at him for a few seconds before my face broke out into a huge smile.

“You remembered something?”

“Zac,” he shook his head.

“Tay! You remembered something!” I jumped up from my sitting position to on my knees in front of him and took his face in my hands. “You got a memory back!”

I kissed him all over his face, my entire body being consumed by happiness. If he remembered this, I was sure it wouldn’t be too long before he remembered everything.

“Zac,” Taylor grabbed my wrists and pushed me back a little bit. “I remembered that I cheated on you. With Natalie.”

“Pish posh,” I pulled my wrists out of his grasp, waving the thought away. “You remembered.”

“You’re not mad,” it wasn’t a question. His eyebrows were pulled together and he was looking at me as if I were an alien that had landed in our bed.

“I knew, Tay,” I shook my head, tangling our fingers together. 

“I’m bad to you,” he frowned, looking down at the space on the bed in between us.

“What?”

“Natalie…the girl at Zoe’s party,” he shook his head and then looked up at me. “How many other times have I betrayed you?”

“No,” I shook my head, moving closer to him and taking his face in my hands again. “We’re not doing this. Natalie was a lapse in judgement fueled by alcohol. We’d been fighting, Tay. And Lacey, well, she was a direct result of Mom.”

He shook his head and I could see that his realization that he’d cheated on me, more than once, was tearing him apart inside.

“Tay, forget about it, okay?” I kissed him gently on the mouth, wrapping my arms around him. “Only forward from here.”

After a few seconds I felt him nod against me. I pulled back, pulling him down on the bed so we were laying side by side. I ran my hand down his body, snaking it inside of his boxers and wrapping my fingers gently around him.

“Now, lets see what else we can make you remember.”

 

-

 

May in New York City is colder than May in Tulsa. Life in New York City is faster, more rushed, everything seeming more urgent than it would back home. 

The good thing about New York City was that there are always places looking to hire people, so within my first two days there I had a job. Nothing fancy, just schlepping goods at a used records store. How cliche, right? One Hit Wonder, washed up musician, by the age of 20 no less, spending the rest of his life surrounded by used vinyl and CD’s of other, more successful musicians.

My drinking hadn’t gotten any worse, but it also hadn’t gotten any better, harbored by the fact that there was a bar on the ground floor of my apartment building, a new development that hadn’t been there when we’d purchased the apartment. I’d wake up in the morning, throw some clothes on, sometimes they were even clean, and open the record store. I’d spend half my day there, helping people look for things they couldn’t find, playing all of my old favorites on the record player we kept behind the counter. Then I’d make my way back to my building and take up my normal seat at the bar. They didn’t seen to really care how old I was- or wasn’t- judging by the fact that they’d never ID’d me once. 

Every night it was the same scene. I’d walk in and slide onto my stool, Glen, the bartender shooting me a, ‘hey, kid,’ shortly after, sliding a frosty beer across the counter at me. Being a big city like Manhattan, there were a lot of tourists who came through the bar, but there were even more regulars. Mostly people who lived in my building, but people from the surrounding buildings as well. I’d made a few friends, something I’d never had much of back home, and I was starting to feel like I really belonged there, like I could live out the rest of my life there and be okay. 

It was a rainy night and I’d just finished my shift at work, walking the three blocks to my building. I was slightly soaked and had just peeled off my leather jacket when Hayden, a 22 year old transplant from Missouri who’d been living in the city six months longer than me, slid onto the stool next to mine.

“You look mighty cute all rain soaked there, Hanson,” he grinned, waving hello to Glen, calling for his usual.

“Thanks,” I laughed, grinning at him. “How was work?”

“Work was work,” he shrugged. “You?”

“Same.”

We sipped our beers, laughing here and there at the sitcom playing on the TV over the bar.

“So, Zac,” Hayden looked over at me again.

“Yeah?”

“I gotta know, who’s the girl who wrecked your heart, mate?”

“What?” I shook my head, placing my beer down on the countertop in front of me.

“It’s obvious that someone fucked you up pretty good. I’ve seen pretty girls come in here almost every night and try to catch your eye, and you either pretend you don’t even see them, or you’re the most oblivious guy in this bar, and that’s saying something. When they blatantly flirt with you, you turn them down every time.”

“Huh,” I said, not realizing that Hayden had been paying so much attention to my movements in the bar. “That’s a long story, Hayden. One you probably don’t want to know about.”

“Tell me the short version.”

“Well,” I picked my beer back up, taking a long sip. “The girl who wrecked my heart wasn’t actually a girl at all.”

“I knew it,” he smiled, nodding.

“Knew what?”

“That you were gay, I called it the first night I met you.”

“Oh, I’m not,” I shook my head. “Gay, that is. I’m not.”

“But a guy wrecked your heart?” Hayden raised an eyebrow, a smirk playing on his lips.

“Yeah,” I sighed, shrugging. “I don’t know how to explain it to you. I’ve been with a woman, too. There was just always something about this one guy. I’ve been in love with him pretty much my whole life.”

It felt good to talk about Taylor, something that I hadn’t expected to be the truth. I’d never had a reason to bring up his name since being here, so I hadn’t, and I realized now how weird it was that I hadn’t spoken about him in that long.

“Are you still in love with him?”

“Sometimes I don’t think so, but yeah, I think I am. I think I probably always will be.”

“Have you been with anyone? Since him, I mean?”

“No,” I shook my head, taking another sip of my drink. “The last time we were together was the afternoon that I got in the car and started driving here.”

“Have you been with any other guys? Ever?”

“Never,” I shook my head again.

“Hmm,” Hayden shook his head, signaling Glen that we each needed new drinks. He ordered us a couple shots too. “Shots are necessary after talking about someone who has broken your heart,” he grinned, sliding the two that were meant for me over to me.

We clinked shot glasses and tipped our heads back, one shot, then the other, laying them back onto the counter. 

The next couple of hours passed by in a blur of Hayden and I exchanging stories about our upbringing, what brought us to the big city, experiences we’d had in life. We’d clinked more than a couple more shot glasses together, tipping our heads back. My head was feeling light and fuzzy, my spirits high, when he leaned in close to me, his elbow resting on the bartop, his chin in his hand.

“So, what I asked you earlier, have you ever wanted to?”

“Huh?”

“Be with another guy. Aside from the dickwad who broke your heart,” he laughed. “Have you thought about it?”

“Oh,” I tilted my head a little. “No, not really. I mean, most of my life was spent with him, and the rest was with Kate, my ex,” I let out a little laugh then. “I almost married that one. Never really had time to want anyone else.”

“Well, how about now? Do you want to?” His eyes were mischievous, and his face was a little bit closer to me now.

“Are you propositioning me, Hayden?”

He looked at me for a second before nodding once, deadpanning.

“Yes. Yes I am.”

“I didn’t know you were gay,” suddenly I noticed the way he was licking his lips, the way his green eyes had a bit of a glint to them when the light hit. 

“You never asked,” he shrugged. He slid his hand across the smooth surface of the bar until his fingertips were touching mine. “So, what do you say?”

I surveyed his face, when I blinked, the thought of him naked, his shaggy dark brown hair hanging in his face, flashed through my mind and I felt a stirring in my stomach. When I finally spoke, my mouth felt a little bit dry.

“Your place or mine?”

 

We’d barely made it out of the front door of the bar before Hayden’s hands were on me. Fingertips digging into my ass, pulling my body into his. His mouth covered mine as he pushed me into the brick wall of the building. I opened my mouth and let his tongue in, thinking about how he tasted like beer and cherries. 

“I’ve been wanting to do that for weeks,” he breathed when he backed up. “You feel pretty loaded, Hanson,” he grinned as he rolled his hips into mine, brushing against my erection. 

He did it again, and I threw a hand over my mouth at the small moan I let out, which made him laugh.

“You better take me upstairs or I’m gonna fuck you right here,” he smiled, kissing me again before pulling away.

“Right,” I nodded. “Upstairs.”

We walked the five feet to the doors of my building and through the lobby. As soon as we were in the elevator he was back on me, his hands in my hair as he licked into my mouth, both of us letting out little moans, pressing our bodies together. The doors opened and we stumbled out of the elevator, our lips still together until we reached my door.

“I gotta,” I breathed, pulling away from him, but he pulled me in for another kiss. “The keys.”

I fumbled in my pocket, finally finding the keys and sliding the right one into the lock. The minute we were inside, Hayden shut the door behind us and pulled my shirt over my head, doing the same to his own.

“Where’s the bed?” 

“This way,” I turned, grabbing his hand and leading him through the living room.

“Fuck it, taking too long,” he grabbed my waist, pushing me down onto the couch, lowering himself on top of me. 

“How long’s it been?” He asked, kissing my neck, my chest.

“Two months,” I whispered, the urge to set my throbbing cock free of it’s denim prison proving too much for me. I pushed my arms between us, undoing the button and fly, wiggling out of them and kicking them and my shoes to the floor.

“Eager, are we?” Hayden smiled, standing up to remove his own jeans and then kneeling on the end of the couch in between my legs. “I was right, you _are_ loaded,” he said appreciatively, taking in my length.

“Not bad yourself,” I reached for him, wanting to pull him back down onto me, craving the warmth of another body on mine more than I realized. 

“Patience,” he chuckled, taking my cock in his hand and pulling on it lightly. I felt my back arch off of the couch at his touch. It had been a long two months and I didn’t realize how much I needed someone else’s touch until I got it. 

“Let’s not waste any time,” I moaned as he stroked me slowly, his wrist turning each time. “If you wanna jerk me off, I’m not opposed to it, but please, do it while you’re fucking me.”

“I like a man who knows what he wants,” Hayden smiled, sticking two fingers in his mouth before bringing them down and pushing them into me. He kept stroking me as he worked me with his fingers, and the heat in my stomach was growing. I _needed_ him inside of me.

“Come on,” I groaned, bucking my hips with his movements.

“Two months, Jesus, you’d think you hadn’t been fucked in years.”

He laughed, but pulled his fingers away. When he pulled his hand off of me after I whined, every nerve ending in my body screaming for action. In seconds his fingers were replaced with his cock, bigger than what I was used to. I swore as he pushed all the way into me, staying still for a few seconds, catching his bearings.

“You’re so tight,” he groaned, slowly pulling back out and then pushing himself back inside of me. 

As he gained speed, thrusting in and out of me at a steady pace I wrapped my fingers around my cock, stroking myself as in time with him as I could. 

“Fuck, you feel good,” he was watching me jerk myself off, his movements getting labored as his breathing got heavier. “You gonna come for me, baby?”

I nodded, shutting my eyes as I felt myself inching further to release. 

“When? When you gonna come for me?”

“Soon” I whimpered, tugging on my cock faster. “Fuck me harder.”

“Yes, sir,” he growled, pushing into me at double his previous speed. 

The heat in my stomach was rising, little bolts of electricity shooting from my hips to my toes. 

“I’m gonna-“ my mouth fell open as my orgasm hit me, and when Taylor’s name fell off my lips in between loud moans, my hand going limp on my cock, I heard him say _oh, fuck_ before he came, too.

 

Hayden was sitting at the end of the couch, his back pressed against the back of it, his breath still coming out jagged and heavy. I was still laying on my back, the results of what we’d just finished covering my lower body.

“Hey Zac,” he rolled his head to the side to look at me.

“Yeah?” My eyes moved over to meet his.

“You can call me whatever you want if you’re that good of a fuck.”

“I’m sorry,” I shook my head, embarrassed. I could feel my cheeks heating up. I don’t know what happened. 

“No, seriously, it’s fine,” he shrugged, smiling. “I get it, dude broke your heart. I’m your first fuck since, bound to happen.”

“Really?” I pulled myself into a sitting position, looking at him. “It didn’t bother you?”

“No, if anything, the way you said his name, I don’t know,” he shook his head. “It was like the most exotic, sensual sound I’d ever heard. If you didn’t notice, I came then and there.”

“Huh,” I said, a smile growing on my mouth. “The more you know.”

 

It was two days before Hayden and I left my apartment after that. We spent most of our time taking turns fucking each other, but when we weren’t buried inside one another, we talked. Talked about any and everything. It felt good to have someone who was so interested in me, in my life before him, in what I wanted my life to be after him.

That was the most amazing part about Hayden and I, neither of us had any expectations of some grand life together, falling more and more in love and staying that way until we died. We both knew that the other was fucked up beyond any repair we could manage, and we both knew neither of us would probably stay in New York too long term, and we were okay with that.

On the second night, when I was thrusting into him from behind, sweat dripping out of every pore on my body, and he turned his head to look back at me and said _call me by his name again_ , I knew I had found exactly the person I needed.


	27. Chapter 27

The weeks after Zoe’s wedding were some of the best weeks I could remember in recent times. Taylor and I spent them doing things we used to do together like roller blading and playing laser tag, camping and fishing. My goal was to show Taylor that our life together wasn’t always drama and difficulties, but that before now we’d lived a pretty normal life, just a regular couple who also happened to have a rocky past. 

One night, after we’d spent the day hopping from antique shop to antique shop, Taylor on the prowl for vintage cameras, we were sitting on the wooden swing on the back porch watching the fireflies zip back and forth, Taylor’s arm wrapped around my waist, mine around his shoulders. 

“I’ve hurt you,” he said slowly, straightening up and sitting back against the back of the swing, keeping his arm around me.

“What?” I turned to look at him and frowned.

“In the past, I’ve hurt you,” he said again. “It’s fuzzy, but it’s there. I did things, pushed you away.”

“You remember?”

“A little,” he nodded. “I didn’t, but I’m starting to. I was terrible to you.”

“It’s in the past,” I squeezed his shoulder. 

“Why did you forgive me?” 

“Because, you’re the most important thing I have. You always have been.”

“Zac,” he turned his body so he was facing me, our arms falling from their places around one another. “Why are you with me, really? I’m learning how difficult it’s made everything for you, I just don’t see how it could be worth it for you.”

“Because I love you,” I shook my head. “I’ve always loved you. And you’re more than worth anything that might happen.”

“After everything I did?”

“Yes,” I nodded, smiling. 

“But, I broke you.”

“Maybe,” I shrugged. “But you also fixed me.”

 

We spent hours that night talking about things that had happened, but I took his lead and didn’t go further than the things he remembered. I told him about Kate and the baby and how it pushed us apart. About how in the end, I was sure it was a good thing, because despite the fact that I had grown to love her, I knew in the back of my head that she was always just a bandaid for him and I knew it wouldn’t be fair to her to keep her with me when my heart wasn’t fully in it. 

When we finally laid down in bed, our bodies as close to one another as we could get them, we were too tired to do anything more than hold each other and sleep, and it was the most perfect feeling I remembered feeling in a long time. 

 

-

 

I’d been in New York for a year and a half when the calls started coming in.

My life had devolved into what Isaac had dubbed ‘a miserable pit of despair’ the last time he’d come to visit. I spent my mornings working, my evenings drinking and getting high, and my nights fucking and getting fucked by Hayden. 

It was easy with Hayden. I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me. The love started and ended in having our dicks buried in each other, and if you’d have asked a younger me if that was the kind of relationship I needed, I’d have laughed and thought you were crazy. But, it was. It kept my mind off of home and the things I’d left behind, but mostly it kept my mind off of Taylor. 

I knew Hayden was also sleeping with other people, but I didn’t care much. He’d told me over and over that he wouldn’t be angry if I did the same, but I wasn’t really interested. I might have sickly needed physical love to keep my head from drowning in the waters of Taylor, but I was content to only be getting it from one person, even if aside from the sex, our relationship was purely on a friendship level. 

The first call rang me awake at three in the morning. Hayden groaned from his spot on my bed next to me and shoved the vibrating phone at me, grumbling for me to shut it up. When I looked at the display and saw that it was a Tulsa number, my mind automatically went to the thought that something was wrong with someone back home, so I clicked the button to accept the call and pressed it against my face.

“‘lo?” 

“Zac,” his surprised, low voice shocked my eyes fully open and I sat up in my bed, pushing my hair back.

“Taylor.”

“You picked up.”

“I didn’t know it was you,” I whispered, glancing over to see Hayden back asleep. “Thought something was wrong.”

“Oh,” his tone was slightly dejected and my stomach did a small flip. 

The phone line went silent and I actually pulled it off of my face and looked at the screen, thinking for a second that he’d hung up. Finally after a couple of minutes passed I heard him let out an audible sigh.

“I miss you,” he spoke so low I could barely hear him, but the words were clear. I said nothing in return, but that old familiar pang, something a little bit like love, a little bit like longing, shot through me.

“Zac?”

“Yeah?” 

“Come home.”

“I can’t,” I laid back on the pillow, throwing an arm over my eyes.

“Why?”

“I have a life here, Tay. A job,” I was looking for more reasons to convince him that I couldn’t return to Tulsa, and then I heard Hayden let out a loud sigh in his sleep. “A boyfriend.”

I didn’t, and he wasn’t, but Taylor didn’t need to know that. He definitely didn’t know that I spent more time than I was proud of getting railed by a guy I had no romantic feelings for just to cope with the dark hole of misery my life had become. 

“A boyfriend?”

“Yeah, a boyfriend,” I repeated, and I almost felt bad. “He’s great, I think you’d like him.”

“I doubt it.”

Silence fell over us again. There were two parts of me warring with myself: the part that wanted to hang up on him, that didn’t think he deserved to hear my voice, and the part that’s heart was turning over listening to him breathe, that missed him so much it felt like fire spreading through it. 

“I really miss you, Zac,” he sounded unsure of himself, whether that was because he was nervous talking to me or because he wasn’t sure what I’d say, I didn’t know. “I still-“

He stopped talking and I heard him sniffle and realized he was crying.

“You still what?”

“Love you-“ he finally said after 30 painful seconds. “I still love you.”

I silently swore at myself at the triple backflip my heart did inside of my chest.

“Taylor,” I sighed.

“Yeah?”

“I-“ I stopped. Did I lie to him, or did I just tell him the truth? Did I betray myself and my new life away from him?

“I don’t, Taylor.”

I felt myself choke on the words a little bit and I shook my head. I guessed I was still weak, maybe I always would be.

“I don’t love you anymore,” I took the phone away from my face and pressed the button to end the call, tossing it on the nightstand.

I’d never lied to him before, and despite the time and distance between us, the reasons I’d left, the guilt that built up inside of me the second I hung the phone up was almost too much to take. I turned over in bed and reached out, picking the phone up again. I hovered over his number, I could just call him, tell him the truth. 

“No, you fucking idiot,” I mumbled to myself, putting the phone back down. I got out of bed and walked over to my dresser where I kept my bowl and walked to the bedroom window, shoving it open. I took a long pull off of it and then blew it out the window.

“You were doing so well,” I mumbled to myself, taking another pull. “So fucking well.”

“Who’re you talking to?” Hayden’s sleepy voice came from behind me.

“No one,” another pull. I shut the window. “Get up.”

“Huh?”

I walked to the dresser and placed the bowl and lighter back where I’d gotten it.

“Get up,” I said again, walking over to his side of the bed. “I need to fuck something, and you’re the only thing I see.”

 

I hated who I was turning into, who I’d slowly turned into over the time I was away from home, but I refused to allow that hatred to propel me back there, back to my old life where I spent all of my days waiting for Taylor to realize he wanted me, needed me, the same way I needed him. So, instead I continued to let myself spiral down into a place where I barely recognized myself. I was using sex, drugs and alcohol to cope with my shitty past and the future that I just didn’t see. 

The calls kept coming after that first night. Most of the time I didn’t answer. Sometimes I’d pick up, press the phone to my ear, listen for his breath coming through from the other line and then I’d hang up. Sometimes he’d leave a voicemail, not saying much of anything at all, most times he’d just hang up, call again, and then give up until the next day or week. Every so often, I’d pick up and snake my hand underneath the bedsheets, into my boxers. I’d listen to him say my name, begging me to talk to him. I’d stroke myself furiously, my mouth squeezed as tight shut as I could get it, not making a sound. His breathing in my ear propelling me towards orgasm. It was almost like he knew, he never hung up before I’d finished.

 

Another year went by. Christmas in New York was a beautiful time, but it was lost on me. 

Isaac, Nikki and my mom had visited me a few weeks before. Isaac appalled at the general state of my life, my mom begging me to come home. Nikki, the poor thing, was just an innocent bystander to it all, but I could see the pity in her eyes when she took in the state of my apartment, the state of myself. 

They’d spent a good amount of time trying to persuade me to come home, but I’d refused adamantly, telling them it was about time someone in this family went off and made a life on their own. I don’t think that impressed them too much, especially my mom.

Hayden and I were still enjoying our strange little arrangement. He’d ended up moving in with me, taking the spare bedroom as his own. Most nights we both ended up sleeping in mine anyway, but he’d taken to picking up guys at the bar and bringing them home every so often. I’d lay in my bed and listen to them go at it through the paper thin walls, and I didn’t know what it said about me that I wasn’t even slightly jealous. Turned on, occasionally, but never jealous. 

On the rare moment when my head was clear, I was overcome with guilt and something a little like grief about the way my life had become. Casual, albeit constant, sex with someone I didn’t have a single feeling outside of friendship for, a deep need to have my mind altered almost always, these weren’t things I’d have ever thought would be a part of my life. I would have felt bad about using Hayden to make myself feel better, if I thought for one second that he wasn’t doing the exact same thing to me. The fact that I was completely fine with being used by him was another thing I couldn’t wrap my mind around. Every month, week, day, that passed with me in New York, I drifted further and further from the me that I knew, completely morphed into someone I didn’t recognize, and honestly, wasn’t sure that I liked all that much. 

 

It was the day before Christmas when I was surprised by a knock on the door. I had just gotten done getting mind numbingly high and was opening my first beer, settling in for a night of xbox. I got up from the couch and walked over, looking through the peep hole I gasped, seeing the last person in the world I expected to see.

“Kate?” I shook my head as I opened the door.

“Hey,” she smiled at me sheepishly. “Isaac told me where you were living, he figured you could use some company for the holiday.”

“Wow, um, I didn’t even know you two were still talking,” I stepped aside and let her in, closing the door and leading her to the living room. “Sit down, sorry about the mess, I wasn’t expecting company.”

“It’s alright,” she laughed softly as she sank down into my couch. “He keeps in touch. I think they were all worried about me…after everything.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. 

“You look a little weird,” she laughed, squinting her eyes a little. 

“I’m high as a kite, honestly,” I laughed. “Literally just finished smoking before you got here.”

I picked my beer up off the coffee table and took a sip and then held it out to her.

“Want one?”

“Sure,” she shrugged. I stood and went and grabbed one for her, tossing the cap on the counter before bringing it back and handing it to her. I sat back down and turned to look at her.

“You look good,” I smiled.

“Thanks, you too. Aside from, you know, the highness.”

We both laughed, sipping our beers. We sat in a surprisingly comfortable silence for a few minutes until she broke it, her soft voice like a song I hadn’t heard in a while, but hadn’t known I missed.

“Can I- um-“ she looked around the room and then back at me. “Try it?”

“Try what?”

“You know, the uh, weed, or whatever.”

“You want to get high?”

She nodded, shrugging again.

“Yeah, I’ve never done it. I’m curious.”

“Wow, okay, yeah,” I said, getting up and disappearing into my room. I came back out with my bowl and lighter and showed her how to work it. 

I laughed softly when she choked the first time, cursing softly at herself. She tried again and did it perfectly, blowing out a thick cloud of smoke into the room. After she took another hit, I placed my hand on her wrist, telling her maybe that was enough for her first time. She smiled and placed the bowl and lighter on the coffee table, turning to me.

“Are you doing okay out here, really?”

“Good as I can be,” I smiled. “I miss home sometimes, but not enough to go back.”

“They miss you, all of them. Especially Taylor.”

“I don’t want to talk about Taylor,” I looked away, busying myself with a lose fabric on my shirt. 

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. Things just weren’t-“ I shook my head. “Great with us when I left.”

“I know, Natalie told me.”

“Let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about you, instead. How’s your life?”

“It’s okay,” I could tell by her speaking that the weed was hitting her hard, which didn’t shock me considering Kate had always been what I’d consider straight edge. She picked her beer up and took a long sip and I briefly considered stopping her, but then shook it off.

 

Kate and I had been sitting on the couch for almost five hours, talking and laughing. It felt good to talk to someone who had known me for longer than the time I’d been living in New York, and I was in no rush for her to leave.

She’d just got done telling me a particularly funny story about something Ezra had done last time she’d visited and we were practically rolling around on the couch in laugher. She’d somehow ended up laying on her back with her head in my lap, her long brown hair spread out around her head. All the beer we’d drank and all the weed we’d smoked over the last five hours had my head feeling fuzzy and when I looked down at her there, it was almost like she was glowing. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes were heavy lidded and red. I could feel myself bending towards her, and everything in my brain was screaming at me to stop, but the rest of me was telling me that I didn’t want to. I paused about halfway to her and watched as she blinked up at me a few times, a small smile playing on her lips. 

“Fuck it,” I whispered, shaking my head before bending the rest of the way and letting my lips land on hers. 

Her lips were as soft as I remembered, though the taste was different. Beer and pot instead of the sweet tastes I used to know so well. Her hand came up and she ran her fingers over my scalp, drawing a little moan out of me.

“Holy shit, you do like girls too.”

Half of my body jumped when I heard Hayden from beside the couch.

“What the fuck, man,” I groaned. Kate had scrambled to sit up, smoothing down her hair. 

“Um, I live here, remember?” Hayden chuckled, tossing his car keys onto the coffee table.

“Hey,” he nodded at Kate. “Hayden.”

“Kate,” she smiled politely.

“Wait, _the_ Kate?” Hayden fake gasped and plopped down on the couch next to her, causing her the scoot closer to me.

“Yes, the Kate,” I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be a dick.”

Kate turned to me and whispered, her speech slightly slurred, “what did he mean when he said you do like girls too?”

“What, you didn’t know?” Hayden laughed. “Zac here is a glutton for the dick.”

“Hayden,” my voice had the tone of warning in it. The last person who needed to know anything about my sexual escapades was Kate. I’d put her through enough over the years.

“What?” He shrugged. “Isn’t it obvious, anyway? I mean, I knew you sucked a mean dick the minute I laid eyes on you.”

Kate was staring at me, her eyes wide. I opened my mouth to say her name, but was stunned into silence by the next words that left Hayden’s mouth.

“Didn’t you know that’s the real reason Zac left you? He was head over ass in love with some dude nam-“

“Hayden,” I shouted, standing to my feet and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. I yanked him off the couch and pulled him towards my bedroom, which just so happened to be the closest room to us. “We’ll be right back, Kate.”

I slammed my bedroom door shut, shoving Hayden towards my bed, where he fell back onto it in a sitting position.

“What, you wanna do it right now? With your girlfriend in the living room?”

“Why are you being such a prick?” I growled.

“I’m just being myself, Zac,” he shrugged, grinning. 

“She doesn’t know, and she definitely doesn’t know about him.”

“Scandalous, Zachary,” Hayden kicked his shoes off, bringing his legs up onto the bed with him, crossing one over the other.

“Seriously, Hayden,” I hissed, moving towards him. “She’s a good girl, I’ve fucked her over enough. She doesn’t know _that_ side of me.”

“Which side?” He stood up, closing the gap between us. “The side that gets hard for people like me?”

“Shut up,” I said between clenched teeth.

“The side that gets hard when people like me do things like this?”

He wrapped his arm around my waist, his hand landing on my lower back and pulling me into him. His lips hit mine forcefully, moving over them quickly. His tongue made it’s way into my mouth as his other hand landed on my jeans right over my cock, rubbing up and down gently, but quickly.

My head swirled a little bit and the thought that I’d probably ingested too many substances flashed through my mind before, against my will, a gruff moan left my lips.

“Hayden, stop,” I turned my head away from his mouth which caused him to rub me through my jeans with more purpose.

“Why? You love this,” he turned my mouth back to him. “Would you believe me if I said I was jealous?”

“Jealous?” I shook my head. “You fuck every dude in the five boroughs and you’re jealous?”

“Yeah,” he leaned in, biting a little on my lip. “I’m jealous.”

He kissed me again, hard, his lips rough against mine. I don’t know if it was the way he was still working his hand over my jean clad erection or the way he’d admitted his jealousy, but for a brief moment I forgot I was angry with him, I forgot that someone else was in our apartment, and I kissed him back, suddenly so hungry for bodily contact. I moved us so we were standing near the bed and I was just about to sink us down onto it when I heard her soft voice from the doorway.

“Oh my god,” she breathed. “Oh..my _god_ ”

I took a step back from him quickly, turning to face her.

“Kate.”

“You,” she shook her head. “You really…”

“Kate,” I said again. I wanted to walk towards her, wrap her up in my arms, tell her I was sorry. Not only for this, but for everything I’d ever done to her, but I couldn’t move.

“You two are-“ she looked from me to Hayden and then back to me. “Are you, like, boyfriends?”

“No,” I said at the same time that Hayden said, “yes.”

“We’re not,” I shot him a dirty look and then looked back at Kate. “We’re just friends, roommates. We’re just-“

“Friends who fuck,” Hayden laughed from where he was now sitting on the end of my bed.

“I-“ Kate shook her head, taking a few more steps into the room. “I don’t understand.”

She was really drunk, and still quite high, and I almost felt bad that she’d discovered this about me in that altered state, but maybe it was actually better that way. 

“It’s easy, really,” Hayden said from the bed. “Sometimes, right here,” he motioned to the bed. “Zac and I get naked and do things to each other that would make you blush.”

“Oh,” her cheeks were flushed and she was looking between Hayden and I quickly. Finally her eyes landed on me and stayed there, her mouth a little O for a second before she blinked and walked over to me.

“Things like,” she leaned in and kissed me, long and slow, her tongue dancing with mine. She backed up and looked back at Hayden. “That?”

As he confirmed to her that indeed it was sometimes things like that, I was looking at her with my mouth hanging open. 

“Or,” she said, running her hands down my chest to the button on my jeans. I was frozen under her touch, I wanted to stop her, but I didn’t know how. She undid my jeans and slid them slowly down my legs along with my boxers, then shuffled them away. She wrapped her thin fingers around my length “like this?”

She began stroking me, slow movements making the hair on my arms stand up. I was staring at her like she was a species I had never encountered before. Maybe this was why she never drank.

“Like that,” Hayden nodded, his eyes moving slowly from Kate’s hand on me to my eyes.

Despite the fact that Hayden had seen me naked plenty of times, I felt exposed standing there, my pants off, dick in Kate’s hand. What she was doing to me felt good, great, really, but I knew I had to stop her.

“Kate,” I breathed, putting my hand on hers, stopping it from moving. “What are you doing?”

“Shh,” she took her other hand and pulled my hand gently away from hers. “I’m tired of being good all the time.”

“But-“ I shook my head, staring into her eyes, trying to find something there to explain this.

“Maybe,” she whispered, her hand pumping me. She was watching her hand move over me as if she was inspecting it, as if she needed full concentration at the job at hand. “If I wasn’t good all the time, you could have loved me.”

“Kate,” my voice was low. “I did, I did love you.”

“Shh,” she said again, turning her head to look at Hayden. “What about things like this?”

She slowly sunk to her knees in front of me, taking my entire length into her mouth. My head fell forward, my breaths coming out heavier.

“Oh yeah, _definitely_ things like that,” Hayden spoke. 

I looked up at him and he was watching Kate’s mouth slide up and down on my cock, his lip between his teeth. Out of all of the things I had done in my life, a lot of them I wasn’t proud of, this was a first for me. The lingering feeling of uncomfortableness about Kate doing anything sexual to me with Hayden in the room was drowned out by the pleasure of what her mouth was doing to me combined with the look of pure lust on Hayden’s face while he watched her. 

After working me with her mouth, my breath coming out in pants, for several minutes, Kate finally pulled back, her big brown eyes looking up at me. When she spoke, her voice was gravelly.

“What else do you two do?”

“Kate,” my voice was betraying me, displaying exactly how full of want I was. Exactly how turned on I was by this sick game Kate was playing. 

“I want to know,” she spoke evenly, rising back up and leaning in, kissing me quickly. “I want to see.”

“What?” I shook my head, not understanding. Not knowing who she’d suddenly turned into.

She took my hand in hers and walked me over to the bed where Hayden was sitting.

“Show me,” she whispered.

“Show you how?” I was looking at her, pleading with her with my eyes to tell me she was kidding, give me some sign that this was some kind of a test, but no sign of those things came. 

Instead, she pulled Hayden off the bed by his hand so we were all standing close together.

“Show me,” she said again.

“She wants us to show her,” Hayden’s voice, dripping with lust, spoke up.

He grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled my mouth onto his, kissing me slowly, antagonizing. I heard Kate let out a little gasp as his hand landed on my cock and he stroked me in the most gentle way he ever had. I knew he was putting on a show for her, moaning into my mouth every few seconds, but in my inebriated state I was helpless to do anything about it. 

He pulled back and looked at Kate.

“Is this what you wanted to see?”

I turned my head to look at her and she nodded, her eyes locking on mine. She licked her lips and gave me a small smile and a fire let loose inside of me. Her name left my lips in a moan and I reached for her, taking her hand and pulling her closer to us. She stood there for a second just looking into my eyes before she leaned in and kissed me, Hayden’s head moving out of the way a little to grant her access. 

The lips on my mouth didn’t match the hand on my cock and the contrast gave me a feeling I’d never felt before. I moaned into her mouth, my hand finding the neck line of her shirt, dipping underneath it and sliding inside of her bra. I worked her nipple causing her to return a moan into my own mouth, my cock jumping in Hayden’s hand at the sound. He took that to mean I needed more and he lowered himself to his knees, taking me into his mouth and sucking me like he was going for the gold in some kind of x rated competition. I pulled back from Kate, pulling her shirt over her head and removing her bra. I buried my face between her breasts, kissing the valley that lay there then moving my mouth to one of her nipples, licking and biting it softly until her breaths were coming out ragged. 

Hayden’s mouth left my cock and I let out a soft whimper. I raised my head and found that Kate was pulling him up from the floor, her hands pushing his shirt over his head, working on the button and fly of his jeans. When she’d succeeded she turned all of her attention to me and took my t-shirt off, wriggling out of her own jeans and panties. 

The three of us stood there for a few seconds, me staring at Kate, her looking from me to Hayden and back again. She smiled at me and then turned to Hayden, taking a step toward him and pressing her lips to his. I’d never known Hayden to be with a woman, but judging by the way he put his hand on her neck and kissed her back he didn’t look like he was opposed. I stood there, feeling a little awkward, suddenly on the outside and then she turned her head and looked back at me, holding her hand out. I took it and she pulled me to them.

“Kate,” I whispered again, still not sure I was okay with what was developing between us.

“Go down on him,” she whispered back, her eyes flitting to Hayden’s fully hard cock and then back to me.

“What?” My eyes widened.

“Please,” she smiled a little.

“Yeah, please,” Hayden’s voice sounded from beside her and he grabbed my elbow, pulling me towards him. His eyes leveled with mine, they were full of lust and want and I was reminded how attracted to him I was, even if that feeling of love was never there.

I nodded slowly, looking back at Kate while sinking to my knees. If this is what she wanted out of me after all I’d done to her in the past, she could have it. I turned my head to Hayden and took him in my hand, my lips sliding over the head of his cock. He moaned loudly as he disappeared into my mouth. I felt Kate take a step closer, her legs pressed against my back and when my eyes moved upwards I could see they were kissing over my head. 

“I’m gonna come,” Hayden groaned.

“No,” Kate breathed, putting her hand on my shoulder. 

I pulled back from Hayden and slowly stood up, turning to face Kate. 

“No?”

“No,” she shook her head. “Not yet.”

She walked around the bed and then laid down on it, gesturing for me to join her. I climbed up the bottom of the bed until I was on top of her, her legs quickly wrapping around me.

“I want him to watch, I want him to see you fuck me,” she looked over my shoulder at Hayden, her arm waving him towards us. “And then I want to watch.”

“Watch what? I whispered.

“I want to watch him fuck you.”

“Kate,” I shook my head.

“Please,” she was looking up at me and she was so beautiful and I had wrecked her in our past life. I decided in that second that I’d do anything she asked of me, forever.

I nodded, lowering myself into her, her back arching and her head falling back.

“Fuck,” I groaned, slowly gaining a rhythm. “I forgot.”

“Forgot what?” She breathed, her hand reaching for Hayden. She pulled him down onto the bed beside us.

“How fucking tight you are.”

As I slid in and out of her I watched as she wrapped her fingers around Hayden’s dick, pumping him slowly. His eyes fluttered closed and he let out a series of low moans as she picked up speed. She was thrusting up towards me, moaning my name. He was moaning next to us. It was a chorus of sexual pleasure in my bedroom and I felt like my head was going to explode, along with other parts of me. 

“Don’t come,” she whispered, and I was sure she was torturing me for all of the things I’d done. I was positive she was trying to kill me. 

“Kate, I can’t,” I groaned. I was physically aching to come at that point, I was sure I couldn’t hold out any longer.

“Zac,” she put her free hand on my face. “I’m going to come now, and you aren’t.”

I nodded, thrusting into her harder, faster. She writhed under me, still stroking Hayden like her life depended on it. 

When she started screaming out, her walls tightening around me it took everything inside of me not to let go. When she finally stopped moving, her chest falling up and down rapidly, I actually let out a sigh of relief, dropping my head down, my breathing out of control.

She put her hands on my shoulders and pushed me down her body, waving to tell me to get off of the bed. I did and she followed me, her hand in Hayden’s, bringing him with us. She placed him behind me and dropped to her knees in front of me, her eyes boring into mine. 

“Hayden,” she spoke softly and I felt his hands land on my waist.

She looked so pretty, so innocent, down on her knees underneath me. When Hayden pushed into me I let out a guttural moan, dropping my hands onto her shoulders, and her mouth dropped open. Her eyes left mine and looked around me. She watched as he pushed in and out of me, a string of cuss words falling from his mouth. Her eyes met mine again and she smiled.

“Does that feel good?”

I nodded, words a thing I wasn’t sure I could form anymore. 

“Do you like it?” She tilted her head a little. “When he fucks you?”

“Yes,” I moaned, my hands on her shoulders tightening. 

She watched for a few more seconds before her mouth was wrapped around my dick again, her eyes never leaving mine. 

I didn’t even recognize the sounds coming out of me. I’d never felt anything like that before, and I never have since. It was total sensory overload, my knees were going weak and there was a pounding in my ears. If I were honest with myself now, as good as it felt in the moment, as good as it felt physically, it felt wrong in the worst ways. 

“Fuck, Zac,” Hayden growled from behind me, his teeth digging into my shoulder. “I’m-“

He didn’t even finish speaking and he was shouting, shooting his load into me. Kate’s eyes still locked on mine, her mouth working me faster, my dick hitting the back of her throat with every downward motion she made. My nails dug into her shoulders and I screamed out, finally succumbing to everything that had been done to me. 

 

When I woke up in the morning Kate was sitting up in my bed next to be, her back against the headboard, her knees pulled up to her chest. It reminded me of a memory from the past where she’d sat just like that, except this time the look on her face was one of pure remorse, disgust. 

“Morning,” I said, rolling over to look at her. Her face turned down and her eyes met mine.

“I hate you,” she spoke softly.

“What?” I sat up.

“I can’t believe,” she shook her head. “I-“

She looked away from me and a tear rolled down her cheek. I moved to wipe it away but she flinched, pulling from me.

“I’m not like that,” she looked back at me. “I’m not like you.”

“Like me?” I shook my head.

“I can’t believe you let me do those things.”

“What, Kate-“ my head was spinning. “You wanted to, you asked for it. All of it.”

“But you know me!” Her shoulders were shaking. “You know I’m not like that, you know I’d never do those things. You let me get drunk and you let me get high and you let me do things that I’ll never be able to forgive myself for.”

“Kate, I-“

She stood up from the bed, shaking her head. She wiped her face with her palms. 

“I hate you,” she said again. “And I never want to see you again.”


	28. Chapter 28

Two days after the six month mark of Taylor coming home from the hospital I woke up in an exceptionally good mood. Taylor was still sleeping soundly next to me, so I leaned down and laid a gentle kiss on his forehead before I pulled myself out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I showered, shaved and actually did something with my hair, which I hadn’t been bothering too much with lately. I dressed quietly, careful not to wake Taylor and made my way to the kitchen. 

It had been around three months since Taylor started remembering little details of our past, but since the night in the backyard a month and a half ago, he hadn’t remembered anything else, at least not that he’d told me. Every day, seeing him become more confident in himself, made my hope stronger and stronger, though. 

When he finally walked into the kitchen forty five minutes later I had an entire spread of all of his favorites on the counter. The kitchen was an absolute disaster area, my cooking skills that of a nine year old, but there were cinnamon rolls and bacon and pancakes. Sausage and home fries. I’d even brewed an entire pot of coffee, setting the cream and sugar out for him. 

“Whoa, what’s all this?” He looked around as he walked over to me, his eyes wide.

“Well,” I leaned up and kissed him before turning back to the sink and shutting it off. “Today happens to be our four year anniversary.”

“It is?” He smiled. “I forgot.”

I laughed, smacking him lightly on the arm.

“Very funny,” I rolled my eyes, putting two plates on the counter. “I should throw all the food away for that.”

 

We ate and laughed and talked about what we should do with our day, Taylor suggesting we spend the whole thing in bed, of course. 

I was in the middle of suggesting we go to the zoo when there was a knock at the door. 

“We’re you expecting anyone?” I asked Taylor as I got up and walked around the counter. He shook his head no and when I pulled the door open I considered flinging it back shut.

“What the hell do you want?”

“Zachary,” my mother frowned. “We need to talk. About what happened.”

“No,” I shook my head. “Nope. We’re all set.”

“Are you speaking for Taylor now, too?” She crossed her arms over her chest. Maybe that’s where I got it from.

“He doesn’t speak for me, but I happen to agree with him,” Taylor was suddenly at my side, his arm wrapped around my waist. I raised my eyebrow at my mother, a _fuck you_ without saying it. 

“I was just trying to do what I thought was right for you boys,” she shook her head. “What don’t you understand?”

“What don’t _you_ understand?” I pointed at her. “You’re not going to win here, so fold your cards already.”

“I can’t let you drag yourselves down into hell.”

“Do you plan on being in hell?”

“No,” she gasped, putting a hand over her mouth like I’d just called her a cunt.

“Then that’s where I want to be.”

“You don’t understand the repercussions of what you two are doing. It’s hedonistic. Immoral. No sex in the world is worth what you’re doing to your souls!”

“Shut up,” Taylor growled from beside me and my eyes opened wider, I turned to face him. “Just shut the fuck up.”

“Taylor,” she gasped again, and I was already tired of hearing the sound.

“No. Zac was right from the beginning, I never should have pushed him into trying to fix things with you, obviously you were the only problem all along. This,” he waved his hand in between us. “Is not about sex. It’s about love. Unconditional love, something you obviously don’t know anything about. So would you kindly just get the fuck out of here and leave us to live our lives- our lives of _love_ \- without you?”

I was staring at him with my mouth wide open, completely flabbergasted by what I heard come out of him. I was shocked, in the best way humanly possible. I was going to make him feel extra good later on for that.

“Tayl-“

“You heard him,” I interrupted her. “Leave.”

“I will no-“

“Leave!” I shouted. “Get off of my property or I will call the police and have you removed. I mean it, Mom. Get out of here.”

The three of us stood there, Taylor and I looking at her, her looking between us, and finally she huffed and turned around, walking to her car. She turned back to us when she’d made it, the door open.

“I can’t believe what a disappointment you two turned out to be.”

I rolled my eyes as she got into her car and backed out of my driveway, if we were lucky, driving herself right out of our lives.

 

The next day I told Taylor that I had some errands to run, kissed him on the mouth and grabbed my keys. As I drove the short distance to Natalie’s house, I became more and more sure of the plan I had hatched in my head.

When she opened the door she smiled wide, told me she was surprised to see me and ushered me inside. She poured us some iced teas and we settled down at her kitchen table, sitting across from each other.

“I know this isn’t just a nice visit to make my day,” she grinned. “So, whats going on?”

“Well, two things,” I took a sip of my iced tea and then set it down on the table in front of me. “First, I think Taylor is ready now, to be a father, to jump back into being a big part of the kids lives. I know he misses them, he wants them around.”

She nodded a little bit and smiled softly.

“I’ve been thinking the same thing.”

“Good, so that’s settled,” I grinned. “You’re always so easy to work with, Nat.”

“I try,” she leaned back in her chair and shrugged, smiling. “So, whats the second thing?”

“Mom paid us a visit yesterday,” I rolled my eyes and Natalie frowned slightly. “She’s never going to let up, I just know it. She’s on a mission to rip us apart, and I can’t let her do that.”

“Zac,” Natalie sighed. “You may have had periods where things weren’t great and you weren’t together, but nothing in this world has ever succeeded in ripping you and Taylor apart, not for long.”

The thought, _not even you_ , flashed through my mind, and I instantly cursed myself for it. 

“But, that was before. Things are different now. He doesn’t have all of our history to back up the idea that he’s where he belongs, he’s just going on what he knows now.”

“He doesn’t remember anything still?”

“He does, little things. But not enough.”

“So, what do you propose we do to fix this?”

“Well,” I ran my finger down my glass, tracing tiny pictures in the condensation. “Hear me out here.”

“Oh boy,” she chuckled.

“I want to move,” she went to open her mouth but I stopped her. “All of us. Me and Tay, you and the kids. We have the money from selling Taylor’s house and we’ll have even more when I sell mine, I can buy us places to live. I have to get him away from here. Get us away from here. We need a fresh start, Nat.”

She looked at me for a second and I geared myself up to convince her. I had a whole speech planned. But, she surprised me when she finally did speak.

“I think that’s a great idea.”

“You do?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I do,” she nodded. “I only came to Tulsa for Taylor, I’m not overly attached to the place. I think a fresh start sounds beautiful. For all of us.”

“Good,” I smiled wide, relieved that I didn’t need to run down my list of reasons we should go. “So, you’ll help me convince Tay then, right?”

“You haven’t talked to him about it yet?”

“No, honestly, I really thought you were going to take more work to convince,” I laughed softly.

“Zac,” she shook her head, a small smile on her lips. “If you haven’t noticed yet, I’d do anything for the two of you.”

 

When I got home I found Taylor sitting on the couch laughing to an old Comedy Central Roast. I sat down and grabbed the remote, shutting the TV off.

“Hey!” He protested, reaching for the remote. I pulled it away and laughed, dropping it on the coffee table.

“I want to talk to you about something.”

“Okay.”

“I think we should move, get out of Tulsa, get away from Mom and every other bad part of our past. I think it will be good for us, for you especially. Natalie’s in, so the kids will be there, too.”

“I’ve never lived anywhere else,” his voice was hesitant.

“That’s why I think it’ll be good for you. New scenery, new air,”

“You didn’t let me finish,” he held his hand up, smiling slightly.

“Sorry,” I grinned.

“I’ve never lived anywhere else, but I’d live anywhere as long as you’re there with me.”

“You know, you’re getting pretty mushy in your old age there, Hanson,” I leaned over and kissed him softly on the mouth, three pecks one after the other.

“It’s you, you make me this way,” he shrugged.

I laughed, shaking my head and wrapped my arms around him, kissing him on the tip of the nose.

“So, are you ready to start a new adventure?” I smiled. “With me?”

“I’m ready,” he nodded, smiling. “But, you’re not the only one who has been thinking.”

“Oh no,” I chuckled. “This can’t be good.”

“I’m serious, Zac,” he said, taking my hand. “Do you remember what I said to you at Zoe’s wedding?”

“The thing about that girl having your dick in her hand?” I smirked.

“No,” he laughed, shaking his head. “The other thing, about how I’d love to marry you.”

“Yeah,” I tilted my head.

“Well, I meant it, and I mean it more now.”

“We can’t-“ I shook my head, my hand tightening in his. “We can’t get married Taylor, you know we can’t.”

“I don’t mean legally, I just mean-“ he shook his head, waving his other hand around, trying to find his words. “Who really cares about the the legal part of it? It’s just paperwork, right? The spiritual part, that’s the part that really counts.”

Spiritual. Not something I’d been much of over the last decade or two, but I had to admit, being able to call Taylor my husband sounded mighty great to me right then.

“So,” he continued, pulling me towards him and resting his forehead on mine. “I’ll move with you, if you’ll marry me.”

I smiled, pressing my mouth to his. 

“Tay, there is nothing in the world I would rather do than marry you."

 

-

 

The ten months after Kate’s unexpected drop by were some of the worst months of my life. I rotated between feeling like a useless shell of a human being and the worst person in the world. No matter what I tried to do to dig my way out of the hole I’d found myself in, I only seemed to dig deeper. She’d kept her word, refusing to answer any of my calls, eventually she changed her number and I’d never gotten to really apologize to her for what we’d done. I’d accepted my place as the worst thing that had ever happened to Kathryn Tucker and swore I’d never be that for anyone else, ever again.

I’d been in New York for over three and a half years then, and parts of me were aching to go home, but bigger parts of me were telling me that the only thing being back near Taylor would do is succeed in ripping me apart even further, and I wasn’t sure I had much further to go before it became a TKO for me. 

The calls kept coming. Every time the phone would light up, Taylor’s name flashing up at me, I’d wonder why he couldn’t have fought for me like that, held on like that, while I was still there. I’d stopped answering at all by then, preferring to just let it ring and ring until the silence came back. He stopped leaving voicemails, too. 

Hayden had moved out around six months after our night with Kate, eventually admitting to me that he wanted more from me. I didn’t have it in me to break him the way I’d broken Kate, or the way Taylor had broken me, he was my friend and I cared about him. So, we’d eventually come to terms with the fact that it would probably be better for all involved if we went our separate ways. We’d still talk at the bar sometimes, but nothing was ever really the same between us after that. 

I’d eventually found myself someone else to keep me warm at night. A guy named Kevin who worked with me at the record store, who’s idea of a perfect relationship was exactly the same as mine at that point in time. Someone to be friends with, someone to get off with, but someone to never take things too seriously with. Someone to definitely _never_ fall in love with.

It helped that he liked to drink as much as I did. We’d spend most of our nights lounging around in my bed, drinking until our eyes were droopy and our heads were cloudy. We’d lazily fuck and then he’d roll over or get up and pad off to Hayden’s old room where he’d taken up residency, and I’d roll over and we’d go to sleep. I could tell that he was like me in more ways than that, he’d obviously also come to New York to run away from something, and he was obviously coping with it by drinking it away- or trying to- just like me. But, he never wanted to talk about it. I don’t think he wanted me to _really_ know him, and that was just fine by me. 

 

By the time 2010 rolled around I’d found myself only thinking of Taylor when the phone would ring or Kevin would make a particular sound underneath me that reminded me of him, and I was happy with that. The calls still came, but less than before, down to once a week or so. I’d guessed that Taylor had learned how to be persistent and then started giving up on it, giving up on things was something he was good at, after all. 

I talked to my parents and I talked to Isaac on a pretty regular basis, making my life sound better than it really was. When I was promoted to manager of the record store, they pretended to be happy for me, but I could hear it in their voices that they thought I was undermining myself by accepting such a lack luster career. I guess they didn’t realize yet that I was nobody who deserved anything spectacular out of life. I deserved the mediocrity that I was living in, and to be honest, I enjoyed it. 

I rang in the new year that year sitting on the floor in my living room leaning against the couch, drunker than I’d ever been, Kevin lazily giving me head as the ball dropped and pushed us into 2011. 

It wasn’t much, this life, but at least it was mine. Mine alone, without Taylor.


	29. Chapter 29

“Okay, thank you,” I spoke into my phone before hanging up and placing it down on the counter. I smiled at Taylor and held my thumb up. “We did it, the house is on the market.”

“Yes!” Taylor clapped once, getting up and walking over to me. His hands found my waist and his lips found my mouth and I sighed into him. I hadn’t felt this content in a long time, and I just wanted to roll around in the feeling, never letting it go again. 

“Now that that’s settled,” Taylor smiled again, pulling back. “I’ve gotta go, I’m already late to meet with Isaac. I still don’t know what he’s planning. Said he wanted to,” air quotes. “Bond.”

“Makes sense, we haven’t gotten to spend all that much time with him lately, what with you keeping me cooped up here in your sex den all the time.”

He grinned wickedly, pulling me against him, his groin rubbing against mine instantly getting me a little bit hard.

“You’ve never complained.”

“I’m still not,” I shook my head laughing. “But if you keep this up, I’ll make you even later.”

“I could be a little later,” he whispered, pressing himself against me again while kissing me slow.

I put a hand on his chest and lightly pushed him away, laughing.

“Go, go, the last thing we need is an angry Isaac on our hands. He’s looking forward to spending time with you.”

“We always have tonight, right?” Taylor kissed me again before pulling away from me completely, grabbing his wallet and the car keys off the counter.

“We have every night,” I smiled. “For the rest of our lives.”

 

With Taylor gone, I wandered around the house for a little while, picking up things and putting them back in their places. He hadn’t really been away from me since we’d brought him home from the hospital and it kind of felt a little bit like a phantom limb that you’d gotten used to always being there was suddenly gone. I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself, and after about 45 minutes of just wandering back and forth, when there was nothing left to tidy up or put away, I walked to the fridge, pulling out a beer and making my way to the living room. I flipped through the guide on the cable box, but nothing spoke to me. I settled on some documentary about the Civil War and sat back in my seat, drinking my beer.

The first one went down smoothly and quickly so I opened a second. I’d become a pretty light drinker over the last four years. When I first returned home, I didn’t drink at all. I always had my past in the back of my mind and I was always concerned that all it would take is one small mess up to send me spiraling back down. There were a few nights when Taylor was in the hospital that I’d had a couple too many, but I found I didn’t _need_ it the way I used to, and the hangover was worse than before after not drinking heavily for so long. 

But, the combination of the boredom and the quiet house, along with how easily they were going down, liking the way my head was already feeling a little fuzzy, I’d eventually opened a third. 

I was contently sitting on the couch, thinking about the future that was laying out in front of me. Taylor and I were finally going to get out of this town, away from all of the things that threatened our relationship, all of the memories of a past that wasn’t always rainbows and roses. I was picturing a big, beautiful house, out in the woods somewhere. I’d build a picket fence and we’d sit in the backyard on summer nights and watch the kids run and play. Maybe we’d somehow even have a couple of our own, somehow, someday. Like a light switch, every beautiful thought I was thinking, wishing into existence, washed away, replaced by all of the terrible times, miserable memories that I’d shoved into a box at the back of my mind, pretending they didn’t exist. It was like the story of us, before it was good, ran through my head, picture by picture, heartache by heartache. Natalie ending up pregnant, the look in Taylor’s eyes when he’d thrusted into me, locked into the bathroom at his own wedding. Him telling me he thought it should be over between us. On and on they went, like a trip down misery lane. 

Two more beers later I was sitting there, my head in my hands, elbows resting on my knees, deciding how I was going to break it to Taylor that while _I’d_ still be moving away, I’d be doing it alone. Again. Suddenly I knew that my mother was right, that _I_ was right all those years ago when I had walked away from us. Suddenly I knew that I should have stayed gone, given Taylor the chance to have the life he deserved, with someone he could be with proudly and openly without having to worry about losing the other people in his life because of it.

 

When he finally got home he found me on the couch, slumped back into the cushions, my eyes on an old episode of Top Gear that I wasn’t really watching at all. He leaned down and kissed me on the lips before sitting down next to me. 

“You smell like beer,” he said quietly. “A lot of beer.”

“I drank a lot of beer,” I said, not turning my head to look at him.

“Why?”

“Don’t know,” I shrugged. “Look, I need to talk to you.”

“That doesn’t sound good,” he moved next to me so that he was facing me, putting his hand in mine.

I stared down at our hands, my vision slightly blurry.

“Tay, I, uh-“ I shook my head, trying to gather my strength. I moved my eyes up to his face and frowned. “I think that maybe Mom is right. I think that it will be best for you if when we close on the house and I move, you stay here.”

His face twisted into confusion and he shook his head slowly, tightening his grip on my hand.

“What? No.”

“I just, you know, I’ve been thinking. About all the hell we’ve put each other through over the years. I know you don’t remember it all, and I know you don’t understand it all, but we’re toxic. We’re bad for each other, I just didn’t see it until right now.” I looked back down at our hands and I could feel the tears stinging, threatening to come out. 

“Maybe you and Nat can work things out, get married again,” I added, the thought giving me a sick feeling in my stomach. 

“No,” he shook his head again, with more emphasis this time. “I wont let you do this. I won’t. You’re sabotaging us, you’re scared and you’re running away, just like you did before.”

My face shot back to his, my eyes wide.

“What did you just say?”

“I said,” he leaned in a little closer, his eyes firmly on my own. “You’re running away just like you did before, and I wont let you do it.”

“When did I run away?” I was speaking quietly, suddenly not feeling all that drunk anymore. The light switch that had flipped on in my head before quickly switching back off. 

“What do you mean, when? When you took off to New York!” He was getting agitated, his face turning slightly red.

“Tay,” I shook my head, me tightening my grip on his hand this time. 

“No, Zac! You’re not running away from me, from us. I’m not going to let you, I told you, I want to spend every day for the rest of my life with you. I don’t give a shit what Mom or anyone-“

“Tay, shut up,” I said softly, shaking my head again, a small smile growing on my face.

“You really are drunk,” he muttered. “You know you’re not supposed to drink like that, you don’t want to slide back into old habits.”

The smile took over my entire face then and I practically jumped into his lap, my knees on either side of him, putting my hands on his cheeks.

“Taylor, you’re not supposed to know those things, you’re not supposed to remember them.”

“What do-“ he stopped talking then, a small smile appearing on his lips too, growing slowly until it went all the way up to his eyes. “Holy shit. I remember.”

I leaned in and kissed him hard on the mouth.

“What else do you remember?”

“I…I don’t know,” he shook his head. “Nothing, I don’t think? I just-“

He wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing me quickly, once, twice.

“I came in and I saw you like this and all I could think about was how I didn’t want you to slide back into drinking too much, I know it’s been a long time since then, and I know you’re fine now, but it scared me a little bit. And then you said the thing about leaving me here, and my brain said ‘no, not again,’ and,” he shook his head again. “It’s like the memories were there, they just needed to be shaken up a little to come out.”

“You’re getting it back, Tay, I told you,” I kissed him softly and I could cry, but now it was from happiness. “I told you you’d get it back.”

“So,” he smiled. “Do you still want to leave me?”

“No,” I shook my head. “God, I’m so stupid. I was just sitting here alone, freaking out, thinking that I was doing something bad by keeping you with me.”

“If I didn’t want to be here with you, I wouldn’t.”

“I know that,” I said, sighing. “I know, I don’t know what came over me. I never want to be anywhere if you’re not there. Not ever again.”

 

We got ready for bed, tucking ourselves in under the blankets, our bodies pressed together. We kissed, slow and lovingly, taking our time building each other up. When Taylor finally climbed on top of me, sliding into me slowly, our lips never leaving each others, I really did feel a few tears release themselves from my eyes. He pulled back and kissed them away, running a hand over my cheek. 

“I love you,” he whispered. “I’ve loved you all my life.”

“I know,” I smiled up at him, feeling the familiar feeling of him bringing me to the edge. “I love you too”

“I’m going to spend the rest of my life,” his thrusts slowed down a little more, his hands slowly running all over my skin. It was tantalizing and heat was spreading throughout my body, goosebumps covering every inch of my skin. “Loving you and making love to you, and I don’t care who knows it.”

He pushed his hand in between our bodies, wrapping his fingers around me, stroking me slowly, the same pace as his thrusts.

“Tay,” I sighed, my mouth falling open as he brought me to orgasm, my eyes squeezing shut. Colors were flying behind my eyelids and my chest was tight and heavy with love.

He came a second later, resting his forehead on mine. We were where we were supposed to be, where we were always supposed to be. It may have taken us a long time to figure it out and get it together, but we had, and I’d be damned if I ever let myself live another hour without him. 

 

-

 

It was Valentine’s Day and I had made sure that I’d be spending most of the day in the record store. It’s funny what a holiday like Valentine’s Day brings out in people. You could tell who was single and who was taken just by their purchases, at least at my place of business. The taken ones came in to buy sexy records, full of crooning love songs. I’m sure they imagined placing them on the record player, sliding the needle onto them, making love to their significant others to the sweet sounds of Barry White. The single folk? Well, they bought the depressing music. The music made for the people with broken hearts.

Me? Every Valentine’s Day since I’d been working there I’d made a habit of playing heavy metal vinyls in the store. I didn’t even like heavy metal, but I also I didn’t want to think about love or loss, I just wanted to not think at all. 

I was halfway through my shift when I saw it, the blur of blonde hair outside the record shop window. 

A man, maybe a ghost, was standing there, looking up and down the road, for what, I still don’t know. My heart started pumping in my chest and I felt myself break out into a sweat almost immediately. His head never turned to look in the window, and I thank the way I was holding my breath and begging him not to for that. He finally took a step forward and that’s when I saw her standing there in front of him.

Taylor and Natalie were in front of my job. And I felt like I wanted to throw myself through the plate glass window, grab a broken piece and stab myself right in the chest with it. 

Natalie shrugged and they began to walk away.

“Hey Kev,” I called across the store. “Can you watch the store for a minute? I need to- uh- run out for a sec.”

“Sure thing, boss,” Kevin called back, walking up to the front.

“I wont be long.”

I grabbed my coat and baseball hat and pulled them on, stepping out into the cold New York air. I could see them from where I was standing, stopped across the street at the corner. They were talking, Taylor shaking his head. Natalie’s face was wearing a frown.

I pulled my hat down and walked quickly in their direction, taking the corner and crossing the street. I stood in front of the building and made my way to the end of it, right around the corner from where they were standing. I smelled the clove before I saw in between his fingers. I knew they couldn’t see me from where I was standing, and I could hear them perfectly. 

“Tay, we’re not going to find him,” Natalie’s voice was soft, loving.

“This has gone on long enough, Nat. We have to find him. He’s gotta come home.”

“I know babe,” she was soothing him, running her hand lightly up and down his arm. “But this is a giant city, it’s not like home. We’ll never just stumble on him.”

He let out a huge sigh and then hung his head, his blonde hair falling in his face. I stared at him, taking in every feature, every bit of him. He was beautiful and I wanted to walk around that corner and grab him, wrap my arms around him and pick him up, carry him back to my apartment and make love to him until neither of us could breathe anymore.

And that made me hate him even more.

“You’re right, this was a mistake. I should have listened to you.”

“No, you were right, you had to try.”

“I miss him so much, Nat,” his face crumpled and she took him in her arms, rubbing his back.

“Shh, baby,” she crooned. “He’ll come home. We just need to give him time. He’ll come home someday.”

I couldn’t take it anymore and I turned around, practically running back to the store. My head was going at a thousand miles a second and my chest was on fire. I was angry, I could feel my anger physically rolling through my body. Who did he think he was? Coming here to track me down, and what? Tie me up and force me back to Tulsa? After all these years, he thought he still had control over me. He thought he was still in charge. 

What hadn’t he learned over the past nine years? I was in charge.

I walked into the shop and locked the door, flipping the sign that said ‘Be Back in 10!’

“Kev,” I walked up to him and grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the back room.

“What’s going on?”

“Come on,” I shut the door to the office and pulled my jacket off, throwing it and my hat on the floor.

“What the hell, Zac?”

“Take your pants off,” I nodded to his jeans, unbuckling my own, kicking my sneakers off and pushing my jeans and boxers onto the floor.

“What?!” Kevin shook his head, staring at me incredulously.

“You heard me,” I walked towards him. “Take your pants off.”

“Al…..right,” he said, undoing his jeans and stepping out of them. “What’s gotten into you?”

“How do you feel about roleplaying?”

“Wha-“ he tilted his head, shaking it a little bit. “Are you sick?”

“No,” I walked over to him and turned him around, placing his hands on the desk in front of him. “Forget the roleplaying, this is going to be hard and quick.”

“Hard and-“ he tensed up and stuttered when I pushed a finger into him, adding another after a few seconds. “Oh shit.”

“You okay with that?” I asked, adding a third finger. 

“Yeah,” he breathed.

Mine and Kevin’s brand of sex had always been slow and lazy, not loving, just the kind of sex two guys too drunk to move much had. Today was going to change that. I moved my hand quickly, curling my fingers, grinning when he shouted an _oh fuck_ as I hit his sweet spot. I still had it.

“You ready for me?” I pulled my hand away, wrapping it around myself and pulling a couple of times.

He nodded and I lined myself up with him, pushing into him, first slowly until the head of my cock was in him, and then I grabbed his hips and slammed into him, pushing myself against him until I couldn’t go any further.

“Fuck, Zac, what the-“

I drew out of him slowly and then dug my fingers into his skin, pushing back into him hard.

“Oh my god,” he groaned. 

“You like that?” I hissed, pulling out and slamming into him again. 

“Yeah,” he said breathlessly as I repeated my motion, one, two, three more times.

“Who’s in charge?” I growled, bringing a hand up to his back, running my nails down the skin, watching as faint red lines appeared in their wake.

“You,” he moaned, pushing back onto me as I thrust into him again.

“Who, who’s in charge?” I repeated.

“You are,” he said a little louder.

“Louder.”

“You,” both of my hands were back on his hips and I was gripping him tightly, moving him now instead of thrusting into him. 

He was moaning, borderline screaming as I pulled and pushed him, slamming him onto me.

“Say it again, tell me.”

“You’re in charge, boss,” it was loud and guttural and it sent shivers up and down my spine. I came, so hard it was nearly painful. I held myself in him, catching my breath and then I pushed him off me and spun him around.

“I’m in charge.”

He nodded, his hand moving down to his dick, pumping himself desperately.

“I need to come,” he breathed as I pulled his hand off.

“You’ll come when I say you can.”

“I got you off,” his voice was pleading, his hand moving back towards his dick. I shook my head, moving it away again.

“I’m in charge.”

“What is _wrong_ with you?” 

I don’t know if it was the tone in his voice, or the way he was looking at me, but it snapped me out of whatever egotistical, bruised ego state I’d slipped into and I shook my head.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“What-“

“I’m sorry,” I took him in my hand, sliding to my knees in front of him.

When I took him into my mouth he groaned. I sucked him off until he was whimpering, shooting his load down my throat. I took every single drop of it, lapping it up, atoning for my sins.

I stood up when we’d finished and I couldn’t look him straight in the eye.

“I’m sorry,” I said again.

“Zac,” he spoke softly, gathering his jeans up and putting them back on. “What happened? What got into you?”

“I just-“ I shook my head. “Saw a ghost. I’m sorry. I need to go home, can you handle the store until coverage comes in?”

“Yeah, of course, I just-“ he took a step towards me as I put my jeans on, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I will be,” I said, shrugging back into my jacket and walking out of the office. 

I walked back out into the cold air and felt the wind hit my face. I was reminded that this wasn’t the first time I had found myself taking out my aggressions sexually, and I felt a little sick. I realized that I had no healthy coping mechanisms at all, no way to deal with my pain other than trying to leave it at the bottom of a bottle or trying to wash it away with sex, I didn’t know who I was or how I’d gotten to that point.

The only thing that I was sure of, the only thing that seemed to be a constant for me was the thing I really wanted to go away the most. I was still in love with Taylor and nine years after he’d told me we needed to be nothing, six years after I’d left Tulsa and him behind, he was still ruining every piece of me, turning me into a monster. 

 

When Kevin got home from work I was six sheets to the wind, slumped on the floor, my back against the couch in just my boxers. He walked over and sat down next to me. I couldn’t even look at him. I was ashamed at how I had treated him and I didn’t know how to make it right.

“Hey,” he said, nudging my shoulder with his own.

“Hey,” I said, still not looking at him.

“So, tell me about him.”

“Who?” I finally looked over at him.

“The ghost you saw.”

I shook my head, looking down at my legs, feeling like a waste of space. Sitting on a Friday night in my apartment that I shared with a guy who I had violated out of pure rage for a guy who had ruined my heart. 

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“You sure wanted to fuck about him.”

“Look, I’m sorry about that,” I looked at him again. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“If I didn’t like it, I would have stopped you.”

“You liked it?” I raised an eyebrow.

“We’ve never done anything like that before, it was kind of hot,” he grinned.

“Hot,” I grinned back, shaking my head. “I’ve been sitting here for hours feeling guilty.”

“So, about that roleplaying,” he grinned again, moving over me so he was straddling me. “What’s my name?”

“Kevin, you don’t have to-“

“What’s my name, Zac?” I knew what he was asking me, so I told him.

“Taylor,” 

“And what do you want Taylor to do to you tonight?” He bent his head, licking a small path up my neck. I let out a tiny moan, putting my hands on his hips. “Tell me.”

“What do I want Taylor to do to me?”

“Yeah,” he moved off of of me, pulling me up and guiding me onto the couch, laying me down before he took off his clothes and then climbed on top of me. “Close your eyes, pretend I’m him and tell me what you want.”

I shut my eyes as he pulled my boxers down my legs, discarding them.

“What do you want, Zac?”

“Make love to me,” I breathed, Taylor’s face swimming into my mind.

His mouth was on my neck and then he was inside of me and I felt a whoosh of air leave my lungs. 

“Like this?” He moved in and out of me slowly, one hand on my neck, his mouth kissing and sucking on my neck. 

“Yeah,” I whispered.

“What’s my name?” 

“Taylor,” saying his name pulled a moan from my lips, my back arching off the couch.

I could see him. His body hovering over me, his blue eyes looking into mine. He brushed his hair back, the muscles in his arms taut when he leaned on them, pushing into me slowly over and over again.

Kevin- Taylor’s- hand closed around me, stroking me slow, languidly. 

“Come with me,” he whispered in my ear. “Say my name and come with me.”

“Taylor,” blue eyes. Blonde hair. “Taylor.”

His moans as he came sent me over the edge with him. I said his name over and over again as I came, his hand never stopping until I was all out of steam. 

“I love you,” I whispered as the last of my orgasm rolled out of me. 

Kevin collapsed on top of me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tight.

“It’s okay,” he whispered against the side of my head. “You’ll be okay.”

I wasn’t sure. It was clear to me that I was completely broken, and I had no idea how to even begin to put my pieces back together.


	30. Chapter 30

Three weeks later, my house was in disarray, totally packed up, boxes surrounding us wherever we walked. It was finally the day, and I was more than ready to get in my truck and leave this place behind. 

The movers we’d hired to drive all of our crap to our new home were due any minute, and I was standing in the front yard waiting for them when Taylor wrapped his arms around me from behind.

“Excited?” He said into my ear. I turned myself around so I was facing him, wrapping my arms around his back.

“I’ve never been more excited about anything.”

He smiled, leaning down to kiss me.

“Thank you,” he whispered, kissing me again.

“Thank me?”

“For everything. For being you.”

I smiled, shaking my head. I heard the moving truck pulling up the driveway and I turned to look at it before looking back at Taylor.

“Last chance to change your mind.”

“Not a chance,” he smiled. “Let’s do this.”

 

All of the boxes were gone, the keys were placed in the mailbox for the realtor to pick up in a few hours and my truck was packed and ready to go. Natalie and Taylor were sitting on the steps, the kids running around in the yard. They’d be catching a cab to the airport and they’d be there waiting for us when we finally arrived at the place we’d spend the rest of our lives. 

I walked over to the steps and sat down next to Taylor. The three of us watched in quiet contentment while the kids ran around, chasing butterflies and laughing. They’d never really known hardship, and I hoped they never did. The pang of wanting some kids of my own hit me again and I smiled. After Kate, so many years ago, and the baby we had been surprised with, wanted, and then lost, I never had the urge to try again. But now? Now I thought that almost nothing sounded more perfect. 

The cab pulled up, honking twice to alert us of it’s arrival and we all stood. 

“Come on, kids. It’s time!” Natalie called across the yard. I turned to her and wrapped my arms around her.

“You’re the real hero here,” I smiled into her hair. “If it weren’t for you I’d probably be dead by now. I would have never come home. I wouldn’t have him.”

We looked at Taylor who was helping the kids into the cab, buckling them into car seats and seatbelts. 

“You two would have found your way back to each other eventually,” she smiled up at me. “I just had to help you along.”

 

Taylor and I watched the cab pull away, our arms wrapped around each others waists. When it was finally out of view he turned to me.

“Ready?” 

“ _So_ ready,” I smiled, pulling back and digging my keys out of my pocket. 

We walked to the truck and got in. I took a last look at the house I’d been living in for the last handful of years and smiled. It had been good to me, and I’d miss it, but I was ready for a new life. 

“Let’s get out of here,” I smiled at Taylor, putting the truck into reverse and backing out of the driveway.

As we drove through the streets of Tulsa, making our way to the highway I thought about all of the things that had happened to me there over my lifetime, the good, the bad, the ugly. I’d miss it sometimes, I thought, but I couldn’t wait until it was in my rearview.

When we finally got onto the highway and we were driving out of the city limits, making our way to our new life, I stuck my arm out of the sunroof and put my middle finger up, the only appropriate goodbye to the place I could think of.

 

-

 

Over a year had passed since my little freak out after seeing Taylor on the street, Kevin and I were still working together, sharing my apartment. He’d become a bit of a security blanket to me, dealing with my lowest lows, bringing me back from the brink several times. 

Things had gotten pretty bad in my head. I was back to thinking about Taylor pretty much all of the time. I saw him in places that he wasn’t, constantly looking for his face in crowds. I was driving myself crazy conjuring his presence up everywhere I went. 

There was a moment when I thought I was going to lose Kevin, the same way I’d lost everyone else in my life. It was the August after I saw Taylor. At least once a week since then I’d taken to squeezing my eyes shut while Kevin fucked me, pretending he was _him_ , screaming his name. The nights that we did this were always the best sex we had. Kevin didn’t seem bothered by the fact that I got off best with him when I was pretending he was another man, in fact it seemed to work for him, too, our normally lazy sex most times turning into animalistic fucking, taking turns pounding into each other, Taylor all around us even though he wasn’t really there. 

On a particularly bad night for me, most of a twelve pack of PBR in, after I’d spent the last thirty minutes fucking Kevin over our kitchen table, calling him Taylor and telling him how much I hated him, we’d cleaned ourselves up and collapsed on the couch side by side. 

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you,” Kevin said once we’d collected ourselves enough to speak.

“Whats up?” I looked at him, lighting a joint, taking a drag off of it and holding it out to him. He did the same, gave it back and then dropped a bombshell on me.

“The guy you’re fucking in your mind when you’re fucking me?” He started, taking the joint again and hitting it. “I know who he is.”

“What?” I took a hit of the joint and then put it out in the ashtray on the coffee table.

“I’m the same age as him, I was his age when you guys hit it big with that song.”

My heart started pounding, my ears were ringing. 

“I’ve known you were Zac Hanson _of_ Hanson since we met, I just never wanted you to know I knew. I didn’t want you to think that I wanted to sleep with you because of that.”

I stared at him, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to tell me how disgusting and depraved I was. 

“Plus, I knew you were running away from something and thats why you came here. I always just assumed it was the whole one hit wonder, fame came and went, thing that you were running from. Now I know it was Taylor.”

I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even blink. I didn’t know why he was taking so long to get to the point that he was appalled by me and never wanted to see me again, but he needed to get there and leave me in my misery already. He was the only person I had left, and if he was going to leave, I wish he’d just get on with it.

“Why do you look like your heads going to explode?” He grinned. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to freak out. I’m not judging you, I don’t know your story, I don’t know how you two got there or how you got to where you are now. I just wanted to tell you that I know, because I’ve been feeling like I’ve been lying to you all this time by _not_ telling you.”

I shook my head, not understanding. 

“You-“ I started and then shook my head again. “You don’t think I’m disgusting?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I mean, first of all, your brother is _seriously_ hot. I’d probably have fucked him too, if he were my brother. Hell, I’d probably fuck him now.”

“That’s not funny,” I looked away. The thought of anyone fucking Taylor made me want to puke.

“Sorry,” he laughed. “Just trying to lighten the mood.”

“Good try.”

“Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I know,” he put his hand on my knee. “And I don’t mind it that sometimes when you’re with me you have to close your eyes and pretend I’m him. I don’t mind that that makes you feel better, and I’m perfectly okay with continuing to do that. In fact, I’d very much like to continue to do that, because if I’m honest with you, the nights that we do that,” he shook his head and let out a breath. “It’s honestly the best sex I’ve ever had.”

He grabbed the joint out of the ashtray and lit it again, taking a deep hit, passing it to me as he blew it out. 

“All I’m saying, and you don’t have to take my advice here. I know we’re not, like, I mean, I know I’m just a guy you fuck, but. You’ve been in New York for years, you told me you guys broke up almost a decade ago. If you’re still needing to pretend the guy you’re railing is him, maybe you need to talk to him. You’re not over him, Zac.”

“I can’t talk to him,” I finally spoke, snuffing the joint out again. “I can’t.”

“Of course you can.”

“No, I can’t. We ruin each other.”

“I hate to tell you this, Zac, but you look pretty ruined without him too, from what I can see.”

I looked at him and considered what he said. He was right, I was ruined. I’d been ruined for as long as I could remember at this point. 

“Talking to him isn’t going to change that,” I said, standing up from the couch. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but I can’t. I know you don’t understand, but I can’t.”

I walked across the living room and into my bedroom, shutting the door. I laid down on my bed, the beginnings of sleep washing over me almost immediately. It had been over a year since Kevin and I had gone a single night without either having sex or doing something close to it, but I didn’t have it in me that night. I felt empty, like there was just nothing in me to give to anyone in any capacity at that moment. As I drifted off to sleep I imagined what it would be like if I called him, showed up on his doorstep, ran into him at the corner store. In every instance, he looked at me like he didn’t even recognize me anymore. I was so far from the person I used to be. 

 

 

It was July and it was hot. The air in our building wasn’t working and they couldn’t send anyone to fix it until Monday. It being Friday meant we had a long weekend of sweating ahead of us. We’d rigged up as many fans as we could carry from Rite Aid back to our building at once and had been lounging around in our underwear all day watching Doctor Who. I was drinking a beer, my sixth, while Kevin was settled on the floor between my legs, his head bobbing up and down on my dick. It just wasn’t doing it for me and I pulled him up by his hair, bringing his lips to mine.

“It’s just not going to happen, I’m too hot.”

“I’ve never not been able to get you off before,” he huffed, sinking back to his knees. “Come on, Zac.”

He took me into his mouth again, swirling his tongue around the head of my dick, going at it like he was starring in a triple x rated porno. It had just started feeling really good, my head falling back onto the back of the couch, small moans escaping my lips, when there was a knock on the door.

“Mother fucker,” Kevin muttered, standing up and walking around the corner to the door. “Can I help you?”

“Hi, um,” my eyes shot open when I heard her voice, unmistakable to me. I shoved myself back into my boxers and stood up, turning towards the door. “is Zac home? I hope I don’t have the wrong apartment number.”

“Who’s asking?” Kevin’s voice was pissy, and it was clear he wasn’t pleased about being interrupted right when things were getting good.

“Um, Natalie, his sister in law.”

“Ah, Natalie,” Kevin chuckled. “Taylor’s wife. I’ve been your husband many nights.”

“What?” Her voice was confused and I shook my head. Kevin was such an idiot sometimes. 

“Never mind,” he laughed. “Right this way.”

When she walked around the corner, trailing after Kevin, and saw me her mouth dropped open a little bit and her eyebrows came together on her forehead.

“Zac,” she said softly, walking towards me.

“Nat, I-“ I shook my head. “What are you doing here?”

“Your mom gave me your address. I begged her, I needed to find you. Talk to you.”

She took a few steps closer to me and brushed my hair out of my face.

“What's happened to you, Zac?”

I just stared at her, not sure how to answer her. My instinct was to tell her that _she_ had happened to me. She’d taken the man I loved from me and propelled me down this horrible path that I didn’t know how to get off of. But, that wasn’t fair and I knew it. None of this was Natalie’s fault. 

“You caught me on a bad day,” I shrugged. “The air is broken. I’m drunk.”

“I’m uh-“ Kevin spoke up from where he was standing. “Just gonna go in my room. Holler if you need me, Zac.”

I nodded and watched as he walked into his room, closing the door behind him. I walked over to the fridge and pulled out another beer that I probably didn’t need.

“Want one?” I called to Natalie, who declined.

I pulled the cap off and walked back over to her, suddenly feeling pretty naked. 

“I’m gonna put some pants on,” I motioned towards my room and disappeared behind my closed door. 

I walked over to the mirror and took a good look at myself. I looked like absolute hell warmed over. I put my beer to my lips and drank half of it in two gulps, went to put it down on the dresser and then thought better of it, emptying the rest of it down my throat. I pulled a pair of sweatpants on and took a deep breath, opening my bedroom door. 

Natalie was sitting on the couch looking around the room. Her face looked completely devastated by what she was seeing around her. I walked over and sat down next to her, looking at her.

The effects of chugging that beer were hitting me hard and fast and I leaned back on the couch. Natalie let out a sigh and leaned back in her seat too, turning her head so our eyes were even. 

“Zac, you look like hell.”

“I know,” I shrugged. 

“I have to tell you, my husband doesn’t look much better.”

“I don’t care about your husband,” I said and she raised her eyebrows.

“We both know that’s not true.”

“Yeah, well,” I shrugged again. “If I say it enough, it might be.”

“I need you to come home, Zac,” she reached out to me and smoothed my hair, my eyebrows. She took my hand in hers and leaned closer to me. “I need you to come home because Taylor is dying without you.”

“I’m sure he’s just fine without me, better than he would be if I were home.”

“No,” she shook her head, smiling sadly. “He needs you, Zac. He’s always needed you, and he really needs you right now.”

“He’s been fine without me all these years, he’ll be fine without me.”

“Zac,” she sat up, pulling me up with her. “ _You’re_ clearly not fine without him, and he’s not doing much better. Granted, he doesn’t smell like he just climbed out of a keg,” she wrinkled her nose up. “But, he’s lost without you. He’s completely depressed, he doesn’t shower unless I make him, I can’t tell you the last time he’s shaved. He barely eats, never leaves the house. I can barely get him to participate in raising our kids.”

“So he’s depressed,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m sure it has nothing to do with me.”

She studied me for a minute, and I could see the cogs moving in her head, could see her deciding how to say what she was going to say next.

“It has everything to do with you and we both know it. He calls you in the middle of the night, he thinks I don’t know, but I do. When you don’t answer he lays awake staring at the ceiling, mumbling to himself. He’s still in love with you, Zac, and he needs you. He needs you to come home and fix this mess with him, and I’d wager you need him just as much.”

I felt my mouth fall open. My ears were ringing and I could feel the beginning of a headache coming on. It felt like the walls around me were moving in slowly and I wasn’t sure how to stop them.

“What?” I whispered, shaking my head. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that the man who loves you, has been in love with you for as long as he’s been able to love anything, is drowning because you’re not with him. And I happen to care about that man very much and I’ve made it my personal responsibility to bring you back to him.”

“You know?” I could barely speak. I could barely think. I was sure I was dreaming.

She smiled at me then, putting her palm on my cheek.

“Zac, I’ve always known. I’ve known for as long as I’ve known you.”

“What?” I shook my head. Nothing made sense.

“Do you still love him?” Her voice was kind and warm, just like it had always been. Her big brown eyes were radiating love, a kind of love I hadn’t felt from anyone in a really long time.

I nodded, a single tear rolling down my cheek. She ran her thumb over it’s trail, wiping it away.

“We’re going home, Zac. Tomorrow morning,” she stood up, holding her hand out for me to stand with her. “You need to shower and sober up because we’ve got some packing to do. You’re going to fix things with the man you love.”

 

The next morning, I walked into Kevin’s room, finding him laying back on his bed, a magazine in his hands.

“Hey, we uh-“ I took a few steps into the room and lowered myself so I was sitting on the end of his bed. “We have to talk.”

He pushed himself into a sitting position and placed his magazine down.

“What’s up?”

“I’m, um-“ I almost couldn’t believe what I was about to tell him. I shook my head, running a hand through my hair. “I’m gonna go home.”

“To Oklahoma?” He tilted his head.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’m going to go and talk to him- to Taylor.”

He looked at me for a second and then nodded.

“I think that’s a good idea.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I told you. I think you need to, you’re clearly not over everything that’s happened between you.”

I nodded, running my finger along the seams of his comforter.

“I’m scared,” I finally whispered.

“Hey,” he scooted down the bed so he was sitting next to me. “You have nothing to be scared about. Unless Taylor is a mind numbing moron, I’m sure he’s just as in love with you as you are with him. I bet you this is the beginning of the happily ever after you didn’t even know you wanted. And, if it doesn’t go that way, you can always come back here.”

I cocked an eyebrow and laughed softly.

“That was pretty lame.”

“Yeah, well,” Kevin shrugged. “We all get a little bit lame sometimes.”

“You’re not mad? That I’m just abandoning you in the apartment out of nowhere?”

“Nah,” Kevin shook his head. He reached for one of my hands and held onto it, something we’d actually never done before. It struck me then, how odd it was that I’d spent a long time sleeping with someone and had never even held their hand.

“Look, you were a blessing for me,” Kevin said, running his thumb over my hand. “We were exactly what we needed to be for each other. I’m happy I found you, but you deserve to be with the man who you’re in love with. You should have been with him all along.”

I smiled, shaking my head. He was right. I knew he was right. Something in my mind told me that if I just hadn’t ran away all those years ago, eventually Taylor and I would have figured our shit out, I could have avoided so much.

“So, don’t worry about me, or the apartment. I’ll handle it all.” He leaned in and pressed a hard kiss to my mouth. “Go get your man, Hanson.”

 

Natalie knocked on the door at two o’clock on the dot. I opened it and she smiled, stepping inside and hugging me tightly.

“You look better today.”

“Yeah, well,” I turned and walked into the apartment, her following behind. “I feel like I could puke.”

I wasn’t the kind of alcoholic who got the shakes when they weren’t drinking, maybe because I never really went long enough to find out, but right then the thought of pouring something hard down my throat sounded like the only thing I wanted to do. 

I grabbed my wallet and shoved it in my pocket, shoving my keys in the other one. The one backpack I was bringing with me, the rest of my things being shipped to Natalie’s house, was slung over my shoulder. I looked around the apartment, looking for a sign that I should tell her I’d changed my mind, I wouldn’t go home. Not now, not ever. But, none came. I turned back to her and shrugged, my mouth in a small frown.

“Ready?” She smiled softly, holding her hand out to me. “Let’s get you back home where you belong.”

 

The airport was packed, I’m still not sure how we managed to make it through security as fast as we had. We were walking towards our gate when suddenly everything in me started to crumble. I stopped walking, covering my face with my hands. People were bumping into me, walking by, swearing at me for stopping in the middle of a walkway, but I couldn’t care less. 

Natalie turned around, noticing that I wasn’t walking beside her anymore, her hands landing on my arms, pulling them from my face.

“Hey, what is it?”

“I can’t,” I shook my head. “I can’t go back, Nat.”

“You _can_ ,” her voice was steady and her eyes were on mine, her cold litter fingers wrapped around my arms. “I’m going to be right beside you. The whole time, okay? You can do this, Zac. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

“Not anymore,” I shook my head again. “I haven’t been strong in a long time.”

“That’s because,” she sighed, smiling. “You’ve been missing half of you. We’re gonna put you back together.”

 

She somehow got me on the plane, and as I sat there, my forehead pressed to the window, my knees jumping up in down in front of me, my stomach was in knots. We took off, barreling our way to 35,000 feet. I pictured myself opening the exit door and plummeting to the ground. Maybe death was an okay way to avoid seeing Taylor again. 

 

When the flight attendant came around for drink orders I immediately looked up, asking for a beer and a vodka. She informed me it would have to be a vodka with soda or juice, so I nodded, saying soda was fine. As she walked away I called out for her to wait.

“Can you make that two vodkas?”

“Sir, I’m really not su-“

“Please,” something in my voice must have told her I needed it. That wherever I was going to, there was something waiting for me there that called for a slight buzz. She nodded curtly and walked away, returning with my drinks a few minutes later. 

I shoved the sodas in the seat back in front of me and uncapped the first little bottle of vodka, pouring it straight down my throat. My beer was next, gone in three gulps, followed by the second vodka. Natalie watched me with her mouth open. I hadn’t eaten that day, too nervous to put any food inside of me, and I almost immediately started feeling that old familiar tipsy feeling take me over.

I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes, imagining what Taylor would look like when I saw him for the first time again. Imagining the look on his face when his eyes landed on me. Would he be happy? Sad? Did he even know that Natalie had come to New York to drag me back to him? I never thought to ask. I almost didn’t want to know. 

When the captain announced that we were starting our decent to Tulsa I opened my eyes. I looked out the window and saw a sight that I remembered like the back of my hand. The feeling of being _home_ washed over me and I could help but smile out the window, it had been _a long time_ since I’d seen that sight. 

“Hey Nat,” I turned my head to see her looking around me out the window, a small smile on her lips.

“Yeah?”

“If you knew, all this time,” I shrugged. “Why’d you stay with him? Marry him? Have all those kids?”

“I love him too, Zac,” she smiled sadly. “But, as time went on, with you away, seeing how he disintegrated in front of me…”

She shook her head, putting a hand on my thigh.

“He might love me, but he’s not in love with me, not the way he is with you. He doesn’t _need_ me like he needs you.”

She wiped away a small tear that had fallen out of the corner of her eye and smiled.

“I love him enough to step aside so that he can be happy. So that you both can be happy. Together, the way you’re supposed to be.”

 

As way made our way up the gangway to the airport I suddenly couldn’t wait to breathe the Oklahoma air. It had been so long, _too_ long, and I was suddenly craving it. I couldn’t wait to get outside, feel the air hit my face. 

We walked through the airport, past baggage pickup and out the doors and I couldn’t help the small smile that I felt spread across my face. Natalie looked up at me and returned my smile.

“Welcome home.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Home.”

 

The drive to Natalie and Taylor’s house was short, and I felt a little like a prisoner being driven to his execution. I was afraid to ask Natalie if Taylor was expecting me, I was afraid to ask her pretty much anything at all. We sat in silence, the radio playing low. When she turned the car onto their street my stomach rolled and I physically felt my face go green.

“Pull over,” I whispered. 

“What?” She turned to look at me briefly before looking back at the road.

“Nat, pull over, I’m gonna be sick.”

She guided the car to the side of the road and unbuckled her seatbelt as I threw my door open and took two steps out of the car, doubling over, my hands on my knees. I emptied the contents of my stomach, which was pretty much nothing, heaving, tears streaming down my face. I felt Natalie’s hand land on my back, rubbing gently.

I stayed hunched over like that for longer than I really needed to, feeling embarrassed, I couldn’t even face him without becoming physically ill over it. Natalie’s hand stopped moving and she leaned down a little so she could look at my face.

“It’s gonna be alright, Zac.”

“You say that but somehow I just don’t feel it.”

“Come on,” she took my elbow and lead me back to the car. “Let’s get you home. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

When she’d buckled herself back in she rooted around in her handbag, finally handing me a piece of gum and smiling. 

The rest of the drive to the house was less than two minutes, the whole time my head telling me to get out of the car and run. But, I wouldn’t. Natalie had come a long way to bring me back. She was on the precipice of giving up so much, her whole life really, to bring me back. I couldn’t run on her. 

When we pulled into the driveway, Natalie parking her car next to what I assumed was Taylor’s car, a newer one than he’d had last I’d been here, she turned the car off and looked at me.

“If you want me with you the whole time, I will be. If you want me to go and leave you to talk, I’ll do that too. You just tell me what you need, and I’ll do it.”

I nodded, wondering how long I could sit there in the car, in the driveway, before getting out and walking to the house. But, before I’d made up my mind, Natalie was at my side of the car, the door held open.

“Come on,” she smiled, nodding towards the house. “Let’s go tell Taylor you’re here.”

 

We walked into the house and all was quiet. I wondered where the kids were, surely if they were around they’d be making noise, running about, but as far as I could tell, everything was still. I found my eyes scanning the room, wondering if the liquor cabinet still resided where it used to. 

“You can just put your backpack by the door,” Natalie smiled, dropping her keys on the counter. “I’m going to go get him, you just stay here, take a few deep breaths.”

She disappeared around the corner leading to the hallway that lead to the bedroom that I knew so well. Flashes of what it was like last time I was in that room went through my mind and I felt my face heat up a little bit. I walked over to the fridge, taking in all the pictures stuck to it. The kids were so big, most of them I’d never even met, and it stung a little when I realized I had missed so much, all of my own doing. I was studying a photograph of Taylor holding a shaggy brown haired boy in his arms, big smiles on both of their faces when I heard it. 

“Zac,” his voice was shocked, low and sad. I felt my whole body tense. I stared at that photograph on the fridge until my vision went blurry, and then he said my name again. 

I turned slowly until I was facing him and when my eyes finally took all of him in I felt the familiar vice grip close around my heart.

He looked a lot how I felt. Unshaven, a pair of raggedy sweatpants topped with a white t-shirt that had seen better days. He was barefoot and his hair was an absolute mess.

He was _beautiful_.


	31. Chapter 31

It took us almost fourteen hours, but eventually we pulled into the long, winding driveway of our new home in a little town outside of Atlanta. The lawn was large and slightly hilly, and I smiled thinking of all of the good times we’d have on it. There were two houses on the property, a large, white brick house where Natalie would live, the kids primarily staying there as it was bigger, and a smaller red brick house, about half the size of the other one. That was our home.

It was dark, clocking in at half past three in the morning, and I couldn’t wait to see what the place looked like in the daylight. 

We got out of the car, grabbing the small bags we had packed to keep us tided over until the moving truck got there the next evening and made our way to our new house. 

“I feel like I should pick you up and carry you over the threshold or something,” Taylor chuckled as I fiddled with my keychain to find the right key.

“We didn’t get married,” I laughed.

“Not yet,” he said, leaning over and kissing me on the temple.

“Not yet,” I nodded, smiling. I put the key in the lock and turned it, swinging the door open. “There’s gotta be a light switch around here somewhere, right?”

I moved into the house, my hand running down the wall looking for a switch. When I finally found one, I flipped it, the room brightening. 

“Wow,” Taylor said, looking around. 

The house was already furnished for the most part, and it was done beautifully. We walked further into the house, shutting the door. 

“This is all ours?” Taylor was looking around, his eyes wide open.

“All ours.”

 

We spent a little while exploring the house, looking in every room and closet, we ooh’ed and ahh’ed and you could feel a genuine sense of happiness radiating off of both of us. 

By the time we fell into bed it was almost five in the morning, the sun would be high in the sky soon and the first day of our new lives would start. Soon, I heard Taylor’s breathing deepen and I knew he was asleep. I leaned over and kissed his mouth softly, smiling when I pulled back and the corners of it lifted into a small smile. 

 

The first week in Georgia was nothing short of perfection. We spent a lot of time all together, Taylor and I, Natalie and the kids, just living and _being_. Natalie’s parents were nearby, so she still had the ability to drop off the kids if she needed to, give everyone some well needed adult time. But, so far, we’d spent all of our time just enjoying each other, enjoying our life. 

That Saturday was _the_ day, and I was standing in my bedroom, looking at myself in the mirror. A fancy button down and some nice khaki pants on, I was trying to tie the bow tie around my neck and failing pretty badly when there was a soft knock on the door. 

“Hey bro,” I turned just in time to see Isaac step into the room, shutting the door behind him.

“You made it,” I smiled, dropping the ends of the bow tie. “Could you help me with this? Where’s Nikki and the kids?”

“With Natalie, she was outside when we pulled in. How do you feel, you’re not gonna make me whisk you away to Texas or anything are you?”

I laughed, shaking my head.

“Not a chance.”

He fiddled with the bow tie for a few seconds before stepping back and taking a good look at me.

“Perfect.”

“Thanks, I couldn’t get it right.”

“Listen, I’m going to get sappy big brother for a minutes here, okay?”

“Alright,” I grinned.

“I know things were really messed up for a long time, and it hasn’t always been easy. I know that I didn’t always understand, and you guys have been through the actual ringer throughout our lives,” he shifted from one foot to the other, fiddling with his tie. “But, I’m just happy that you guys are happy and have made it, despite all of the odds thrown your way. I know that this wedding might not be legally binding, or whatever, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, because I’ve never seen two people who loved each other more, or deserved happiness more, and I’m honored that you asked me to be here with you today while you do this.”

I didn’t realize that I was crying until I brought my hand up to my face and wiped a tear away. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him tightly. I was so lucky. I might not have had many people in my life, but the ones I did have made up for any loss I’d ever felt. 

“Thank you,” I said quietly, stepping back. 

He smiled then, clapping me on the back.

“Come on, then, lets go get you married.”

 

I was standing in the back yard, my back to the houses, looking out at the little pond that was back there when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I turned and Taylor was standing in front of me, his hair slicked back, looking like a dream in a tight white button down, form fitting black dress pants.

“Hey,” he smiled, taking my hand in his.

“Hey.”

“Are you ready? To do this?”

“I was ready when I was twelve,” I laughed, leaning in to kiss him.

“Hey, no kissing until it’s over!” 

I looked beyond Taylor and saw them all standing there. Natalie, Isaac, Nikki, all of the kids, all dressed up and smiling and my heart was suddenly in my throat. 

That feeling when you’re overtaken by the amount of love you feel for people, the amount of love you can feel them pouring back onto you, where you chest is tight and your eyes are stinging because you can’t believe how lucky you are, it wasn’t a feeling I’d felt often over my lifetime, but I was feeling it then. I looked at each of them and couldn’t help but tell them how much I appreciated them. 

“Okay,” Natalie smiled, stepping up and standing in front of Taylor and I. Her eyes were shining and she was looking at us proudly, her gaze going in between us. “It’s time. Before I dissolve into a puddle, Zac, would you take Taylor’s hands and repeat after me?”

 

When night time came and Natalie and Nikki ushered the kids into the big house to put them to bed, Isaac following behind them, Taylor and I retreated to our own house, falling back on our bed. 

“I have to tell you something,” Taylor turned his head to look at me, his voice soft.

“Oh no,” I grinned, looking back at him.

“No, it’s good,” he leaned in and kissed me quickly. “Really good.”

“Okay,” I kissed him again. “Tell me.”

“I remember,” he said, one arm snaking under me, the other around me. “I remember everything.”

“What?” A smile took over my face and my eyes went large. He smiled back at me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It just happened. This morning. I woke up and it was just like it was all there. Like while I slept all of the memories were deposited back in my brain. I remember all of it, every single second.”

“That’s amazing, Tay,” I kissed him softly, smiling against his mouth. My heart was so full I didn’t know how it could possibly fit anymore love into it. “I knew it would happen.”

“I’m sorry, for doubting you about Mom, for everything bad that’s ever happened between us. I’m so sorry.”

I shook my head, pulling him close to me. 

“It’s all in the past. We’re here now, and nothing bad is ever going to happen to us again.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Taylor whispered, moving us so that I was on my back, him over me. He put a leg on either side of me, sitting up and running his fingers over my shirt, unbuttoning each button. He pushed it over my shoulders and I leaned up to help him push it off, making quick work on the buttons on his shirt myself. “But I’m gonna make up for it. All of it. Starting now.”

He undressed us the rest of the way and lowered himself back on top of me. He kissed me, his hands running all over my body. I sighed, my hands landing in his hair. I pulled his head back gently so I could look at him. 

“You have nothing to make up for. Every horrible thing that has happened to us has lead us to this moment.”

I smiled, realizing that for the first time in a long time I was finally at peace. With our past, the things that had tried to ruin us, the way we’d ruined ourselves for a while. None of it mattered anymore. None of it would matter ever again.

“Husband,” he whispered, smiling. 

“Husband,” I grinned as his mouth landed back on mine. 

Life was finally perfect. 

 

 

-

 

 

“Tay,” his name sounded foreign in my mouth all of a sudden. The person standing in front of me wasn’t the person I had left all those years ago. He was older now, tired. He had crows feet around his eyes and he looked like he hadn’t been very good to himself over the years. 

“What,” he shook his head. “What are you doing here?”

“I came home,” I shrugged. There were a thousand things floating around in my head that I wanted to say, but I couldn’t get any of them out. I didn’t know how to tell him that suddenly I knew that I’d fucked up, that I’d missed him so much that I’d driven myself into disaster. 

“Took you long enough,” he looked down at his feet, his voice flat. 

“I thought,” I shook my head, taking a step towards him. “I thought I shouldn’t.”

“You shouldn’t have,” he didn’t look up.

“Tay,” Natalie spoke softly from where she was standing behind him.

“No,” Taylor shook his head, his eyes still on the floor in front of him. “He doesn’t get to just come back here and expect everything to be fine.”

“I don’t,” my voice was shaking, he didn’t want me here. I _knew_ he wouldn’t want me here.

“No?” He finally looked up, his voice taking on a cold edge. “Isn’t that what you do? Just come and go from peoples lives and expect them to accept you back like nothing has happened? Isn’t that what you did to Kate? Until you finally fucked her beyond repair, too? Literally?”

I felt my eyes narrow and I shook my head.

“Don’t you dare.”

“What?” He jutted his chin out, his eyes suddenly full of confidence. “Don’t what, Zac?”

“Don’t you dare talk about people coming and going, you don’t have the right. You spent years doing exactly that to me, how long did you think I’d really be able to take it, Tay? How long did you think I’d be your puppet. _Of course_ I left. You’d been driving me away for a long time,” I crossed my arms. “And _don’t you dare_ talk about Kate. You don’t know anything.”

“I know that she landed on my doorstep a hollow, broken mess, after your little threesome. How did it feel, Zac?” He crossed his arms over his chest, mirroring me. “How did it feel getting fucked by a dude while your ex girlfriend blew you?”

I never even considered that Taylor would know about the things I’d done while I’d been in New York. As far as I was concerned he had no reason to, or a way to. I guess it had slipped my mind that Natalie was still Kate’s bestfriend. I guess I’d been more careless in that situation than I already knew I had been. 

The feeling of guilt at Taylor knowing I had slept with other men was quickly washed away by the feeling of pure anger at him thinking that it was any of his business.

“It felt great, best fuck I ever had,” I spat out. I uncrossed my arms, taking another step toward him. “Do you want me to tell you all about it? I will, if you want.” Another step. “I’ll tell you how it felt to be bent over, Kevin’s huge, throbbing cock slamming into me while Kate’s pretty lips were wrapped around my dick, suc-“

“Zac!” Natalie stepped between us, holding her hands up. “Zac, don’t do that.”

Her face was crumpled and her eyes sad and it took all of the steam out of my sails. 

“I’m sorry,” I shook my head, dropping my gaze to somewhere between us. “I’m sorry.”

Natalie moved from in between us, leaning up against the wall. I’d never seen her look so sad. 

“No you’re not,” Taylor said and I brought my eyes back up so I was looking at him. “You’re not sorry.”

“I am, Tay, I-“

“Why don’t you just get the fuck out of here, Zac? We both know you’re just going to leave again anyway. Just go,” his voice was full of disdain and I don’t know what I expected our reunion to be like, but this wasn’t it. I could have cried, but instead, I felt the anger bubbling, taking over the sadness and I took another two steps forward, putting my hand on his chest and pushing him into the wall.

“ _Fuck. You. Taylor_ ,” I hissed, my face close to his. “Fuck you. You’re the same piece of shit I left behind seven years ago.”

“Yeah, and you’re still the same piece of shit who left,” his eyes narrowed, his chin rising a little.

“I hate you,” I shook my head, my hand still on his chest, pushing him against the wall. “I might have forgot for a little while, but I remember now, I hate you.”

“That’s good, because I hate you too,” he put both of his hands on my shoulders and shoved me away from him, seemingly as hard as he could, my back hitting the refrigerator, pictures flying off of it. 

The sound that came out of me was a cross between a scream and a growl, and I threw myself at him, taking us both down in the process. We were rolling around the floor, each of us trying to get the upper hand when I felt two strong hands pull me off of Taylor and put me on my feet.

“Isaac,” I breathed, my chest heaving.

“What the hell is wrong with the two of you?” Isaac shook his head. “I came over to welcome you home, but it looks like the welcome is a little sour.”

“I don’t know,” I shook my head, looking over at Taylor, who was pulling himself to his feet, smoothing his clothes down. I looked back at Isaac. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“Nothing came over you,” Taylor spoke, my head turning back to him. “You’re just the same asshole you’ve always been.”

I felt my face drop. After all this time, fighting with him was the last thing I wanted. I couldn’t take it.

“Get out,” Taylor spat. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

Isaac and Natalie both said Taylor’s name at the same time, but I wasn’t going to stick around to hear what they had to say to him. I heard Natalie call for me not to leave as I swung the door open and walked down the steps, but I ignored her.

I was halfway up the street when I saw a car slow down beside me out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see Isaac, his window rolled down.

“Get in,” he jerked his head to the passenger side.

“Just leave me here, Ike,” I kept walking, but he kept rolling along side me.

“Zac, get in the car, come on. I’ll take you to my place. We’ll just give Taylor some time to cool off.”

“He hates me,” I shrugged. “I deserve it.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” Isaac said, keeping the car at a pace with me. “If you don’t get in the car willingly, I’m going to get out and throw you in.”

I looked over at him to tell him I dared him, but he looked like he meant it. I figured a physical fight with just one brother today was enough, so I shrugged and walked around the hood of the car, climbing into the passenger seat. 

“You hungry?” Isaac looked over at me as he turned off of Taylor’s street and I nodded. I hadn’t realized I was until he asked. “I bet you haven’t had Taco Bueno in ages.”

“Years,” I looked over at him and grinned. 

“Tacos it is,” he grinned back, putting on his blinker and turning onto the main road.

 

Isaac and I spent two hours inside Taco Bueno, eating and talking about all of the things we’d missed in each others lives. Honestly, I didn’t have much in the way to tell him, but he had plenty. He did most of the talking, while I shoved food in my mouth, relishing in the tastes I hadn’t had in so long. 

Once we left the fast food place and got back in the car, Isaac called Nikki, explaining that mine and Taylor’s reunion hadn’t gone so well and that I’d be staying with them tonight. I could only hear one side of the conversation, but from what I could gather, she sounded skeptical. It made me feel ashamed that a sister in law I barely even knew could feel so uneasy about me being in her home. 

But, when we arrived, she was all smiles and hugs, telling me she was happy I was home. We spent the evening sitting around the kitchen table, mugs of coffee in front of us. We talked about my life in New York, of course I left a lot of what I’d really been doing while I was there out, instead focusing on the record store. 

Around ten o’clock I could feel my eyes getting heavy and I asked if they minded if I went to sleep. Nikki lead me to the guest room where she had set up the bed for me and smiled at me softly.

“Stay as long as you need, Zac, you’re family.”

“Thanks,” I smiled at her as I sat down on the bed. It was so much softer than the one I’d been sleeping on for the last seven years. 

She left me to sit with my thoughts, which were too loud for me to handle. I laid back on the bed and shut my eyes. Maybe I’d look up flights tomorrow, back to New York. The reason I’d come home didn’t seem to want me here, it’d probably be better if I proved him right and just left again.

 

Someone was shaking my arm. 

Someone was shaking my arm _hard_ , repeating ‘wake up, wake up,’ over and over. 

I groaned, opening one eye to see Taylor sitting next to me on the edge of the bed.

“I was starting to think you were dead,” he said softly.

“What are you doing here?” I sat up, rubbing my face.

“I-“ he shook his head, looking at me sadly. “I wanted to say I’m sorry.”

“Well, you said it,” I nodded towards the door.

“Zac,” he sighed. “It took me off guard, you being in my kitchen like that. I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean any of it. I’m sorry.”

I looked at him for a few seconds. He was the same, but different, and that was weird to me, but I guess that if I asked him, he’d probably say the same about me. 

“You didn’t know she was coming to get me?” I finally asked.

“No,” he shook his head. “She told me she was jetting off to Georgia quick to do something with her mom and the kids. I guess she did, go to Georgia, that is, because she left with the kids and came back with you.” He grinned a little. 

“Are you upset?” I asked, moving a little closer to him. It had been so long since I’d been near him, and now that I was, I felt like I wanted to be as close to him as possible. I didn’t want to freak him out, though. So I scooted down the bed until I was sitting next to him, our legs bent over the sides, resting on the floor, our thighs touching. “That she came back with me?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I was shocked, but I’m not upset. I hope you can forgive me for the things I said.”

“About what you said, Tay,” I started, looking at him. “That guy, he was just a-“

He held his hand up and shook his head.

“I don’t care. We don’t have to talk about that. It’s not my business.”

“But, I want you to know that-” I shrugged. “There isn’t anyone else. There’s never been anyone else.”

“You spent your whole time out there alone?” It looked like the thought made him sad. I shook my head.

“No, I wasn’t alone. But, I never-“ I stopped, not sure what I should really say. “I never fell in love with anyone else.”

He looked at me, his eyes moving all over my face. He did it for so long that I could feel my face starting to blush under his scrutiny. Finally, he spoke.

“Are you-“ he brushed my hair out of my face, his fingertips lingering behind my ear. “Are you still in love with me?”

I nodded, almost without meaning to, and he let out a sigh, whispering ‘thank God’, his fingers moving from behind my ear to the back of my head. His lips pressed against mine and I physically felt every single moment of the last ten years we’d been apart from each other fly away from me. When he parted my lips, his tongue mingling with mine, it was like coming up for air after barreling to the bottom of the ocean, sure you were going to run out of breath. It was like coming home.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire chapter is from the past. 
> 
>  
> 
> Tentative apologies for the overwhelming amount of fluff.

The next morning I woke up to the smell of bacon cooking. As I opened my eyes I remembered that I was laying in Ezra’s bed, Taylor having told Isaac he was going to take me home last night after all. 

We’d spent a couple of hours after we got back talking. I told him about Hayden and how our relationship was supposed to be no strings attached, but how after Kate had showed up he’d expressed that he wanted more. I told him about Kevin and how much I appreciate his companionship. We talked about him and Natalie and how she’d gone to him one particularly bad night for him and told him that she knew about us, she’d always known, and that she loved him and wanted to see him better again. She’d pledged to him that night to get me back home, and she had. 

We talked a little bit about Kate, and how I still couldn’t stop myself from feeling guilty for ruining her life. He could tell it was making me upset, so he’d shaken his head and told me we’d talk about that some other time. 

We talked, but we didn’t talk about us.

He’d tucked me into bed and laid a soft kiss on my forehead, telling me we’d talk more the next day. For two hours I laid there after he’d left, closing the door behind him, thinking about where we’d been, how far we’d gone off kilter, and how badly I wanted us to move forward. When I finally fell asleep, it was with a clear head and a smile on my face.

I pulled myself out of Ezra’s bed, pulling a t-shirt on and walking towards the smell of bacon in the kitchen, finding Natalie sitting at the counter sipping a coffee. 

“Morning,” I said sheepishly, smoothing down my hair. 

“Morning,” Natalie smiled at me, sliding a plate in front of the open stool next to her, putting a few pieces of bacon and a waffle on it. “Sit, eat.”

I sat down, looking down at my plate. It had been a long time since someone had cooked breakfast for me. It was something so simple, so minor, but I could literally feel the appreciation and the love growing inside of me. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in so long, I barely recognized it. 

“How’d you sleep?” Natalie got up and walked to the fridge, coming back with a glass and orange juice. She placed the glass in front of me and filled it up before sitting back down.

“Good,” I smiled. “Thank you.”

“So,” she said, taking a bite of bacon before placing it down on her plate and pushing it away. “I’m going to be heading back to Georgia this afternoon.”

“You’re leaving?” I turned, looking at her. I didn’t want her to go.

“Just for a little while,” she smiled. “A week or so. I figure y’all need some time alone, to figure things out. See where you want to go from here. 

She picked up an envelope that was next to her on the counter, placing it in front of me.

“Make sure he puts this in the mail at some point before I get back.”

“What is it?”

She smiled and I could see a hint of sadness in her eyes.

“Divorce papers.”

“What, Nat,” I shook my head.

“No, it’s okay. I filed,” she put her hand on my shoulder. “This is what’s right, for all of us.”

She stood up then, hugging me tightly.

“I love you guys,” she whispered. “I fully expect y’all to have worked all of this out by the time I get back.”

I could only nod as I watched her grab her keys, walk to the door. She smiled back at me one more time before slipping out of the house. I realized then that I had never met anybody stronger than Natalie, and I probably never would. 

 

Less than an hour later, I was sitting at the counter, scrolling through my phone, looking at nothing at all when Taylor walked into the house, a few bags of groceries in his hands. He set them down on the counter, smiling, a small blush on his cheeks.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I said, standing up.

“I just,” he motioned towards the bags. “Went to the store, picked up a few of the things I remember being your favorites.”

“Thanks, Tay,” I smiled, my eyes hovering somewhere between his chest and his chin.

He busied himself with putting the things he’d brought home away, while I stood where I was, shifting from one foot to the other, watching him. When he finally finished he turned and looked at me. 

“Come on, let’s go talk.”

I followed him into the living room where we sat on the couch, our bodies turned towards each other, the knee of my right leg just barely touching the knee of his left. 

“I don’t know where to start,” he said, pushing his hair away from his eyes.

“We don’t need to,” I shrugged. “You know, have a big talk.”

“There are things that have to be said,” he frowned. “Things that should have been said a long time ago.”

I nodded, knowing he was right. I finally looked up at him, meeting his eyes. It had been so long since we’d been sat in front of each other, close enough to touch, I almost considered pinching myself, making sure this was real life and not some warped, really long dream. 

“I know it was a long time ago, but I’m really sorry,” his voice was low and it was like his whole face was frowning. “I’m sorry for how I treated you, for helping you escape your wedding, spending days locked in a hotel room doing things we shouldn’t have been doing and then pushing you away. I’m sorry for making you leave.”

“You didn’t make me leave,” I shook my head. “I thought it was what was best for me.”

“Was it?” His eyes were steady on mine.

“No.”

“Natalie said,” he broke our stare, looking down in between us. “She said you were really drunk when she showed up at your apartment.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I was.”

“Is it bad?”

“What?”

“Your drinking, is it bad?”

I thought about it for a minute. I knew the answer, I just wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him. But, when he looked back up at me, his eyes sad, pleading for me to open up to him I just nodded my head.

“Why?”

“It made getting through life easier.”

“God, Zac,” he blew out. He ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head. “I really fucked you up.”

“No,” I shook my head. “ _We_ fucked each other up. I spent a long time blaming you, but it was both of us.”

“I have to take responsibility, I’m older, I should have be-“

“No,” I said again. “Don’t do that, just don’t. It’s not going to make the last ten years go away or get better because you want to beat yourself up over it.”

“How am I supposed to not beat myself up over it?” He shook his head again. “I feel responsible. I _know_ I’m responsible, and you saying I’m not doesn’t change that.”

“Tay,” I sighed, putting my hand on his knee. It was amazing that such a simple action, a touch, denim separating my hand from his skin, sent a wave through my stomach. “I don’t want to do this. We both did things, we both contributed to getting us here. I just want us to be okay again.”

“Me too,” he frowned. “Do you think we can be?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I want us to be.”

“Me too.”

Taylor leaned back on the couch, bringing both hands up and pushing his hair back. He let out a breath and then looked at me.

“I’ve fucking missed you.”

“You have no idea,” I smiled, shaking my head.

 

Taylor and I spent the next couple of hours on the couch, just talking. He told me all about the kids, and his eyes lit up when he spoke about them. You could tell that they’d really been what had kept him going all the years we’d been apart. 

Any tension that existed between us and all of the horrible things we’d said to each other the night before evaporated as if it never existed as we spoke. I found myself catching his mannerisms and movements, ones I remembered as if I’d seen them yesterday, and smiling to myself. 

“Come on,” he’d finally said, standing up from the couch and stretching. “I want to take you somewhere.”

“Where?” I shook my head, grinning up at him.

“Just get up, come on,” he laughed, holding his hand out.

We walked through the house and out to the car hand in hand and when Taylor opened my door for me, I had to force myself to let go of his hand to get in the car. I wanted to make up for ten years of missed touches all at once, maybe glue him to my side so he couldn’t leave it, sew us together. 

I didn’t realize where Taylor was taking me until he turned the car onto my parents street, my eyes shooting over to him, suddenly almost as nervous as I had been when Natalie had driven me to him.

“Tay, I’m not ready to do this just yet,” I shook my head. “I just got back, we’re just straightening things out, I need a few-“

“It’s okay,” he smiled, pulling into the driveway and shutting the car off. “They’re not here. They’re always at the church at this time, volunteering for the soup kitchen.”

I felt myself relax and then confusion swept over me.

“Then why are we here?”

“Come on,” he said, getting out of the car and running around to my side, opening my door.

“You don’t have to do that, you know,” I grinned, standing up out of the car.

“I know, I want to.”

I smiled, shaking my head as he held his hand out for me to take, which, of course, I did. 

He lead me around the side of the house and opened the gate to the backyard. We walked into the trees a few feet and then he gestured up, my eyes following his hand.

“Wow, it’s still here,” I shook my head looking up at our old treehouse, looking exactly like it had the last time I’d seen it.

“Still here,” he repeated, letting go of my hand and climbing up the first few rungs, turning back to look at me. “Come on.”

I followed him up the ladder, the two of us sitting down side by side once we got inside.

“It’s exactly the same,” I looked around at what was once our little hideaway from the world. 

“I come up here sometimes,” he said, looking around. His hand found mine, our fingers interlocking. “When I want to think about you, or us.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, finally looking at me. “Sometimes it would just get to be too much, missing you. I needed to be somewhere where I could feel you. I could always feel you here.”

I closed my eyes for a second, shaking my head.

“I should have stayed.”

“You’re here now,” Taylor shrugged. “Stay this time?”

I nodded, smiling.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

He leaned in and covered my mouth with his, his arms wrapping around me. His mouth was warm and soft, removing any last shreds of doubt I had in me about coming home, staying there, or him from me. In that moment, I just knew that we were going to be okay. We were going to be okay together. 

Taylor slowly pushed himself over me, leaning me back until I was laying on the floor, his lips not leaving mine. One hand on my cheek, one holding himself up, he kissed me slowly and softly and like he was kissing the love straight back into me, filling me up with it until I felt like it was going to start overflowing out of me. 

My hands went in between us, reaching for the button on his jeans, but he took his hand from my cheek and placed it over them, pulling back slightly.

“No,” he whispered. “Let’s take it slow.”

His lips were back on mine, his hand back on my cheek and I thought that taking it slow didn’t sound so bad. Taking it slow, basking in this feeling, sounded like the best idea he’d ever had. 

It had been so long since I’d been _loved_ by someone. Since sex had been anything but a way to get my frustrations out, a way to cope with how I was alone, how I’d run away from the only thing I’d ever known that had meant anything. I could feel my heart swelling and the knowledge that I didn’t _have_ to be alone, didn’t have to punish myself anymore, washed over me. I couldn’t help the content sigh that left my lips, landing on his. 

He rolled us so that we were on our sides, our arms around each other. We were pressed so close together, our bodies blurring into one, I couldn’t tell where he ended and I began, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. Two halves of a whole, that’s what we were, what we were always meant to be.

His hand had just slipped up the back of my shirt, his fingertips trailing over my skin when it happened.

“What the hell?”

Taylor jumped back, both of our heads turning to the door of the treehouse where our mother was, a look of horror on her face. 

“Mom,” Taylor breathed.

“What-“ her face was twisted up, one hand holding onto the opening of the door, the other on the floor board. Only her head was visible to us, but that was enough to see what she was thinking.

“Mom,” Taylor said again, scrambling to sit up. I slowly sat up, straightening my shirt.

“I don’t-“ she shook her head, lowering herself, climbing back down the ladder to the ground below.

“Shit,” Taylor looked at me. “Shit.”

“Shit,” I nodded once, shrugging.

“We have to follow her,” he leaned in, pressing his lips to mine firmly before pulling back. “It’ll be okay.”

I nodded, following out of the treehouse and down to the yard.

“Mom,” he called towards her back. She stopped walking, but didn’t turn to face us. “Mom, let us expl-“

“No explanation needed,” she spoke evenly, her voice cold. We stopped walking a few feet behind her and she turned to face us. “I need you to leave my property.”

“What? Mom,” Taylor shook his head. I stood there, motionless, quiet, looking between them. 

“You’re _disgusting_ ,” she said, her arms crossing over her chest. “You disgust me.”

“Just let us explain, maybe you’ll understand.”

“Understand? What is there to understand, _Jordan_?” She shook her head. “I want you two off of my property, and you’d better do it before your father gets out here.”

“You can’t be serious,” Taylor’s shoulders fell a little. I couldn’t speak, I could only watch, look between them. The disgust on my mothers face a picture I was sure I’d never forget. “Mom.”

“Don’t call me that,” she spat. “As far as I’m concerned, I’m down two children.”

She turned back around and began to walk back to the house, Taylor taking a step to follow her.

“Tay,” I said, reaching for his wrist, wrapping my fingers around it. “Don’t.”

“Zac, she’s our mom.”

“You heard her,” I shook my head. “Not anymore.”

 

The ride home was silent. It was staggering how you could be feeling every good feeling in the world, like nothing would ever be bad again, and in a millisecond something could happen to have that all come crashing down around you. I wasn’t sure what to say to Taylor, or even if he wanted me to say anything at all. Every time I turned to look at him, his eyes were trained on the road ahead of us, his ringers wrapped so tightly around the steering wheel that his knuckles were white. 

“Pull in here,” I finally broke the silence, pointing at the upcoming intersection and the shopping plaza off to the side.

“What? Why?”

“I need to get something.”

He looked over at the shopping plaza and then back at me, shaking his head.

“No.”

“Taylor, pull in,” I repeated.

“No, Zac.”

“Tay!”

“I’m not pulling in there so you can get alcohol and go home and get blasted,” he eyes flitted over to me, his mouth set.

“I wont get blasted, I just want a beer.”

“No,” he repeated, driving by the plaza’s entrance. I slumped down in my seat, crossing my arms over my chest. Something in the back of my head was telling me he was right, I needed to learn how to cope without drinking, without inhibiting my mind, but the stubborn part of me thought that I was an adult and I was more than capable of making my own decisions. 

The stubborn part of me was probably wrong. 

When we finally got home we walked into the kitchen Taylor sighing and tossing his keys down on the counter. I walked through the kitchen and down the hallway into Ezra’s room, grabbing my wallet off the dresser and made my way back to the kitchen, heading for the door.

“Where are you going?” Taylor followed me.

“I’m going to walk to the store,” I said, reaching for the door knob.

“No, Zac,” Taylor shook his head, grabbing my hand off of the door knob and linking his fingers through mine. “Stay here with me.”

“Tay, come on, it’s not a big deal,” I sighed, trying to pull my hand out of his, causing him to hold mine tighter 

“It’s a big deal to me,” my eyes landed on his and I took in the sadness in them. He was looking at me as if I walked out the door it would crush him. I sighed again, dropping my head into my free hand. We stood there for a few seconds, our hands clasped, me breathing into my hand, before he dropped my other hand, wrapping his arm around my waist instead.

“Come on, let’s go sit down.”

He walked me to the living room, sitting us down on the couch, his arm still around me. I could see on his face that he was struggling with what just happened, yet there he was, comforting me. 

“Sorry,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I’m sorry, you’re right.”

“You don’t need to drink,” he placed his lips on my cheek. “Not anymore.”

I nodded, leaning into his kiss, my hand dropping on top of his resting on my side.

“We’re here,” he said quietly. “We’re together and we’ll get through anything. We’re all we need.”

 

That night, it was nearing midnight when I started to feel the exhaustion of everything that had happened the last couple of days starting to settle down on me. I stretched my arms out, standing up from where we’d spent most of the rest of the day together on the couch. Taylor was struggling with what had transpired at our parents house, and I did my best to keep his mind off of it, instead focusing on good memories we’d shared together. We talked and laughed and talked some more, until the weight of the day had finally fallen down on us. 

“I’m exhausted,” I yawned. “I think I’m gonna turn in for the night.”

Taylor nodded, pushing himself off of the couch.

“Me too,” he smiled. “Sleep sounds good.”

Taylor followed me through the house and down the hallway. I stopped outside of Ezra’s bedroom, placing a hand on his arm.

“See you in the morning?”

“Where’re you going?” He said softly.

“To bed,” I motioned behind me at the room.

“No,” he shook his head, taking my hand and pulling me lightly towards his room. “Sleep with me?”

“Okay,” I smiled, following him into the room. 

We quietly stripped down to our boxers, climbing in beneath the comforter facing each other. Taylor reached over to the nightstand and pulled the chain, shutting the lamp off. 

“Come here,” he whispered, snaking his arm underneath me and pulling me towards him, his lips finding mine in the dark. 

We kissed, slow and tired, our hands resting on each others hips. When he sighed into my mouth, I felt my stomach stir. It had been so long, I spent so much time sure that I’d never feel this again, that now that I was feeling it it was almost overwhelming. His fingers trailed up my side, a tiny moan leaving my lips. 

He pulled back a little, his face slowly coming into focus in the dark room. He ran his hand over my chest, down my stomach, back up my side.

“You’re still so perfect,” he whispered. “How are you still so perfect?”

“I’m not perfect,” I shook my head a little, pulling him a little closer to me, sighing when I felt that he was hard against me.

“Perfect for me,” he smiled.

“God, Tay,” I breathed, kissing him again, my whole body crying out for him. 

He shifted on the bed, his erection rubbing mine. I groaned, my lips landing on his neck, knowing exactly what to do there, exactly what he liked. 

His breathing was getting heavier as I kissed and nipped, licked and ran my lips over his skin. I shifted my body a little, my mouth moving to his chest. I wanted to kiss every inch of him, rediscover parts of him I hadn’t known in far too long.

 

“Zac,” he whispered as my mouth moved to his collar bone.

“Hmm?”

“I love you.”

My head rose so it was even with his, my hand moving from his side to his neck.

“I love you, too.”

“It’s always been you,” he smiled, his hand moving slowly up my back. “Always.”

I dropped my forehead to his shoulder, laying a small kiss on the skin of his arm. I could have died, right then and there with him, and it would have been okay. 

I moved my hips over his and my name left his mouth in a breathy whisper, his hand pushing against my lower back, pulling me back into him.

I kissed my way back to his mouth, my hips rolling into him slow, over and over again. We were panting and sighing into each others mouths, our lips lazily moving against one another’s. 

He turned his head a little to the side, his mouth leaving mine.

“Zac?”

“Yeah?” I whispered.

“Remember how I said I wanted to take it slow?”

“Yeah,” I said again, pulling my head back a little, his turning so he was looking at me. He lifted his head up and kissed me softly before dropping it back to the pillow.

“I changed my mind.”

 

We made love, slowly and tenderly, the only sounds in the room our breathing. When we finished, our hands locked together, foreheads pressed against one another’s, sweat dripping from every pore, the sun was coming up. 

“So much for sleep,” Taylor laughed softly once we’d cleaned up, laying on our sides, our legs tangled underneath the blanket, our arms hanging around each other.

“That was better than sleep,” I smiled.

“If I had to choose between you and sleep, I’d choose you every time,” he grinned, pinching my side lightly. 

“If I had to choose between you and anything, I’d choose you every time,” I returned, leaning in and kissing his chin.

“Choose me,” he said, bringing his hand up to the side of my face. “Choose me every day, let me choose you.”

“It’s going to be hard,” I said. “You heard Mom, everyone else is probably going to feel that way too. It’s going to be us against the world.”

“I don’t care,” he shook his head. “I lived without you for a long time and it was hell, I’m never doing it again. If you’ll let me, I plan to spend the rest of my life with you, other people be damned.”

I smiled, kissing him, wrapping my arm tighter around him and pulling him to me. I nodded my head, I was in this with him. Come hell or high water, I was going to spend the next ten years making up for the last ten. 

“Other people be damned.”


	33. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's very bittersweet to reach the end of this story, but here it is.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read it, either silently, or leaving comments and messaging on Tumblr to tell me how much you've enjoyed it. This was my first dive back into fanfiction in a long time and I'm so glad that people seemed to love it.
> 
> I have a feeling this might not be the last time we see this version of these guys.

Five years had gone by since the day Taylor’s memory came back, each one better than the last. I know people say things like that, corny little cliche statements making their lives sound grander than they are, but for us it was true. 

It hadn’t taken long for Isaac and Nikki to pack up house and join us in Georgia, Zoe and Sullivan soon to follow. They’d been given ultimatums by my mom, _them or us_ , and they’d chosen us. We had our family back, or at least most of it, and we had each other, as far as we could see we were the luckiest people in the world. 

I was in our backyard, finishing up work on the fence I had put up surrounding our land when I felt Taylor’s hand on my shoulder. I looked up, pulling my headphones out of my ears and smiled.

“It’s time!” He was bouncing from one foot to the other, a giant smile on his face. “She’s in labor!”

“What?!” I jumped up from where I was crouched down. “But, it’s not supposed to happen for another two weeks.”

“Can’t control mother nature,” he shrugged. “Come on, Natalie’s gonna drive us.”

We’d hired a surrogate almost nine months ago, figuring if we were ever going to do what we’d been talking about and have a baby of our own, we’d better do it now. Neither of us were getting any younger, and truth be told, most days we felt plain old. It was easy, finding someone who didn’t know who we were, didn’t know anything about us, we were surprised at how many people there are out there willing to carry this heavy load to help couples like us have a family.

As we drove to the hospital, Natalie and Isaac in the front seat, us in the back, our hands clasped together, nerves radiating off of both of us, I was struck by the feeling that if I went back to the beginning and rewrote our lives together, made things easier for us, took out all of the bad stuff and turned it all good, we wouldn’t be who we were. We wouldn’t know exactly how lucky we were to have each other. 

There were days when I missed Tulsa, missed the feeling of being in the place you were born, the place you’d spent growing and developing into the person you were. But, every day when I’d watch as Taylor played in the yard with the kids, or he’d wrap his arms around me, his mouth finding mine, I knew that I wouldn’t change anything. I was right where I belonged.

Home wasn’t a place, home was Taylor.

I was home.


End file.
